dear JC Penney: learn math!

yesterday and today, i experienced what can only be described as trickle-down corporate ineptitude at one of america’s leading retailers: the JC Penney department store.

before i launch into the following tale of mathematical angst, allow me to establish the following absolutes:

1. i needed new bras
2. JCP had bras on sale
3. this should have been a simple process

it was not.

the bras were priced thusly: $20 each, or two for $30. last wednesday, i purchased two for $30. this wednesday, the price had dropped to two for $24. the JCP store policy allows for a price adjustment (if the price of the items changes) within seven days of purchase and, since it was a $6 difference and $6 is nothing to sneeze at, i decided to pursue such an adjustment yesterday afternoon.

and so began The World’s Longest and Most Complicated Price Adjustment Ever (TWLAMCPAE). i can’t even begin to tell you how convoluted a process this was, due largely to the fact that, here in florida, retailers apparently haven’t adequately instructed their staffers what a price adjustment is and how one is handled when requested by a customer. this sort of thing is done all the time in toronto, without much fuss or fanfare, but not here. young beatrix had a similar realization when, one day after buying two pairs of pants, the price went down $2 a pair and she tried to get a price adjustment (also at JC Penney). the clerk looked at her like she was speaking latin when she asked if a price adjustment was possible.

“a what?” said the perplexed clerk.

young beatrix tried to explain the process – “well, i paid $22 a pair, now they’re $20 a pair, so may i please have $4 back?” (i’m paraphrasing) – but it took two confused clerks and a department manager before everyone was on the same page. she got her $4.

then it was my turn.

i won’t bore you with the endless details of TWLAMCPAE because, honestly, i would be typing for pages and pages and pages. the entire process took A FULL HOUR. i kid you not. an hour. we arrived at the store at 2pm and walked out, exhausted, at 3pm. sweet mother of all that is holy, i thought i was on some kind of hidden-camera show. i mean, it’s a simple enough thing, isn’t it? something that was $30 is now $24, so i should get $6. right?

oh, but no. this turned into an extravaganza of having to (fake) return the two items i bought, and then re-buying them at the new, lower price. but the JCP computer system had the incorrect new price in the system ($27), so we had to redo the entire process four hundred times. okay, not four hundred times, but at least three. and it took forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrever. the poor clerk was on the brink of a nervous breakdown by the time the whole ordeal was over (trixie said, “you know she’s going to have PTSD now, right?”), and the helpful and fully understanding department manager asked me if i wanted a job there as she bagged the bras. i wasn't entirely convinced that i won’t wind up with all kinds of extra charges on my amex come bill time but, for the time being, all seemed okay. finally.

until today.

today, at a different JC Penney, i decided to buy two more of the fun, funky bras. there was a big sign on the display that said:

10% off!
2 for $30, now 2 for $24!

aha.

now, logic and rudimentary math skills will tell you that 10% of $30 is $3, and 30 – 3 = 27. so, really, the sale price *should* be $27 if the 10% off part is true; but the sale price should be $24 because, you know, it’s cheaper and better for me and it’s printed right there on the sign for all the world to see.

tell that to the snarky department manager at today’s JCP, who was convinced that i was wrong when the bras rung up at $13.50 apiece and i pointed out that they should be ringing in at $12 each. i explained the two for $24 sign, and she told me i must have been confused and read a sign for a different product. (at this point, i could feel myself bracing for a price fight.) i calmly said that, no, i wasn’t wrong and that the two for $24 sign was on all the displays for this particular line. she shook her head and said she had to go see for herself. fine. young beatrix escorted her to the displays and the two of them stood there for a good five or six minutes before returning to the cashier’s desk.

“well, the sign’s wrong,” said the manager to the clerk (in a very exasperated, dismissive tone) who’d been waiting to process my purchase. “but i’ll give it to her for that price.”

damn right, lady. it’s not my fault some soon-to-be-fired twit at JCP head office doesn’t know how to do percentages. a sign's a sign. so, the manager handled my purchase and, when she’d finished, she stuffed the bras into a bag and thrust them – yes, thrust them – across the counter at me with a decidedly unfriendly, “here you go.” as in, “ooooooh, here you go, you big cheapskate! here’s your big huge savings! now get lost.” i wanted to tell her to lose the attitude because those same signs were appearing at every JC Penney across america right now (seriously, those of you in the U.S. should check the flirtitude displays in the lingerie department at your local JCP anytime between now and monday – betcha they’re the all using the same lame math!), but i refrained.

[as an aside, while i was waiting there was another customer buying a stereo at the same checkout, and its price also rang in incorrectly. is there no calculator in the entire JC Penney corporation???]

young beatrix and i finished our shopping at the mall (finding even more sale items at other stores with much less hassle and much better math in place), but we had to pass through the JCP lingerie section on our way back out to the car. as we walked through, we noticed that the peeved manager had taken one of the incorrect signs and turned it backwards (so that the text was hidden) as a way of thwarting other bargain hunters...but hadn’t bothered to adjust any of the other five or six identical signs on other racks three feet away.

i hope she gets one woman after another walking up the checkout with two bras and $24 in hand all weekend long...