today's discussion topic
what do you do if the life that you imagined for yourself is not the life that you are living?
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the misadventures of a gal with a laptop, a love of cake and an insatiable hunger for all things silly.
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i write for a living, hence the name of the blog. i'm a freelance lifestyle and entertainment writer, and you can find me in assorted print and online publications. one day, hopefully some day soon, i'll be a produced screenwriter. my mother still clings to the hope that i'll develop a sudden interest in medicine or law and get a Real Job™ that doesn't allow one to perform one's duties in pyjamas, but i'd rather write about movies and television and get paid for that. i love cake. i think squirrels are endlessly entertaining. i'm hopelessly addicted to film festivalling and spend far too much time dissecting same. i have a fear of gnomes, leprechauns and porcelain dolls that come to life at night and kill you in your sleep.
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25 comments:
My immediate response to your question is that I never imagined my life. But after more thought, I think there are aspects of my life that I did assume, that I would work, for example, that I would have children. I am much older than you, so I have been on the receiving end of life's curves--the very early death of my husband, an unplanned pregnancy, the consequences of indiscretion. No one can--or would--imagine these events. So while I think we can manage our lives to the best of our ability by pursuing education, cultivating good friends, valuing family, being honest and compassionate--we are still going to be affected by the unforeseen, and how we cope with those can be a measure of our human capacity.
interesting.
the question was actually sparked by the last seconds of this morning's Today show...kathie lee or hoda (don't remember who it was) was pitching ahead to tomorrow's show, and i heard her ask the question as it relates to someone who'll be a guest.
and i thought it might make for an insightful dialogue...both on and off the air.
personally, i have no clue what you do. and, for me, the question has more to do with "what happened to the dreams you once had?" than anything else.
as in, when did you stop dreaming those dreams? and why?
I've had similar discussions with students--young students, 18-22 or so. They tend to still believe that they can be anything they want to be, and that for anyone to dispute this belief is to destroy their self-esteem.
In these discussions, I use myself as an example of one who would love to play ball for the Lakers. Then, I ask them to list reasons why this won't happen. At least we get started with a laugh.
I also use Thomas as an example. At age 3, Thomas wanted to be the guy who drives the big growling trash truck with the fork lift. By age 5, he wanted to be a zoo keeper. Right now, he wants to be sponsored by Nat'l Geographic to research aspects of the animal kingdom around the world.
I ask my young students to remember what they wanted to be at 5, at 10, at 15, and how it is that these desires changed. They begin to realize that their talents and areas of ineptitude narrowed the field. A student with poor vision learned early that he would not be an astronaut after all. A student who hated to read figured out that he was not going to be a lawyer--no matter how vivid his images of himself living life on a lawyer's salary and prestige.
I cannot abide Kathie Lee. Gack.
but what about one's imagined life in a more abstract sense, forgetting things like physical or financial or educational limitations? stuff that, conceivably, you could still do...but aren't doing?
Okay. That might be painful territory. Because if a person is not pursuing what is truly within her grasp and would fulfill her imagined dream of her own life, there has to be a reason.
this is what i'm saying.
and i think that's why the question resonated so strongly with me.
So go look for your reason. :-)
Lou, I thought this sentence of yours was really interesting, and would be like a resonating slap in the face to most adults:
They begin to realize that their talents and areas of ineptitude narrowed the field.
I knew a guy who fell apart, because all his life he planned to be a lawyer. He just assumed it. But he failed the bar twice, then ended up flailing in misery, moving back in with his mom, and wallowing for two years. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I'm curious.
When I turned 30, I sure was not where I expected to be (oh my god! I'm unemployed and don't know what I'm doing!!).
I think if your expectations depend on external circumstances (i.e. "I will be with the love of my live. I will have an amazing job. I will have 2 children, a dog, and a great house..."), well I'm sure most people will be surprised by what life deals them.
But as a contrast to Lou's above sentence, hopefully people can learn to be flexible, and find their other talents and come to peace with things changing. I don't know anyone that has "ended up" like they thought. But I also know several people that completely switched gears after 10 years in a field to at least try that thing they've always wanted to do, and to see if it indeed is what they thought they should be doing...
dialogue! i love it. :-)
as sort of a post-script to the intial question: i tuned in to Today this morning to see what the deal was with this topic, and the main guest was a woman in what appeared to be her late-40s or maybe early 50s (i missed the intro) who had, within a very short span of time, endured a number of setbacks in her life (illness, job loss, divorce, etc.) and had to re-examine where she wanted to be vs. where she thought she would be.
then there were a few other women who joined the discussion later, who'd had similar "setbacks" in their 40s.
so, in the context of the show, the subject was totally in line with lou's first comment...about how you live your life when all kinds of wrenches are thrown into the mix.
but, for the sake of THIS discussion, i like the dreams vs. reality discourse far more interesting.
carry on...
(btw, i know there are far more of you reading along than just lou and linda, so feel free to chime in with your two cents.)
^^ i *find*...i *find* the discourse far more interesting.
Live your life keeping in mind this quote from Monty Python:
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
(aka, just when you think you have your life mapped out... so much for that!)
Aren't the wrenches the reality? I'm a little confused about the topic you'd like us to focus on, victoria.
Anyway, this darn sentence: "They begin to realize that their talents and areas of ineptitude narrowed the field."
Linda, the students I teach are in developmental writing classes because they aren't ready for college work yet. Their thinking tends to be provincial because they have read little and have little experience outside their own family, neighborhood, high school, TV. So while it seems natural to me that a person's perception of what she might be someday is shaped by her talents (likes to draw and draws well, so she thinks about fashion design), this is not always the case with my students.
The "wrench" in their lives is that they come from an affluent area where children are expected to do well--enter college, graduate on time, duplicate their parents' earnings and life style. What happens to that dream when a person can't, just can't? Not won't. Just can't.
We love the tale of the kids that we say "fell through the cracks," yet here's the Great Teacher who inspired them and they all became doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs. The story is inspiring, indeed, but kids with inadequate intelligence, learning disabilities, autistic barriers will struggle, and that struggle is not pretty in its reality because it often entails substance abuse, financial problems, a daily series of difficulties that, as a colleague says, burn daylight.
I feel like I'm on the soap box for my students, when all vickie wants to know is whether she should pursue her dream. I thought you were, cake lover--you aren't? Why not?
One thing I've discovered about curveballs and Spanish Inquisitions is that they have a way of knocking you down a peg and making you feel that that is your lot in life. You've got responsibilities, you've got worries, and yes, you definitely are the sort of person that these things happen to. It's hard to hit your stride when you're dealing with stressful situations, and sometimes it's hard to go after your dreams without feeling selfish.
I think one of the most important things we can do is to give ourselves permission to shine. The rest, after all, is just life.
lou, you guys can focus on any topic you'd like. :-) i'm quite happy to have all permutations of the question answered and discussed.
as for why i'm not pursuing my dream...i dunno. maybe it's because i'm not sure what it is anymore. i feel a bit untethered and adrift, and i'm sure that has a lot to do with it. i know the life that i imagined for myself isn't the life i'm living, but i'm not sure that imagined life is right for me any longer. and i don't know what life *would* be.
jen, i like your remark about shining. a friend of mine, upset at my modesty or self-deprecation or both, once chastised me with, "why do you always hide your light under a lampshade?!"
and sometimes i think back on that comment and wonder why myself.
I think Jennifer is right about not letting yourself shine, though I think that resistance may afflict many, maybe especially women. It seems immodest, or undeserving, or selfish, or ill-gotten, or something.
It's difficult to examine ourselves objectively. You might try looking at the other women in their family. Do they do that, let themselves shine? When? How? Why not?
i think part of letting yourself shine is being true to yourself.
my friend darren, ever the sage and often blunt advisor, told me back in june that he's found the key to living the life you want is to "live your truth."
that simple phrase holds different meaning for different people, and can be interpreted in many different ways. it's not to say "live selfishly," but rather (IMO, anyway) to be honest with yourself. about what you need, what you want, what you like, what you don't, etc.
i've been trying to do that, with varying degrees of success, ever since he said it. but i also know that i've grown comfortable under the lampshade, and taking it off will be a process.
Being "honest with yourself about what YOU need" is particularly difficult for a wife and mother. I had just reached that point in my life where I could let myself live for me, when Tom's spinal cord injury occurred. Now I find myself with a new responsibility and a huge change in my plans for the future.
At first it was a huge struggle for both of us to realize how different our plans for the rest of our lives were going to be. However, it also gave us a true appreciation for what we CAN still do and I think for me, I thrive on making it through adversity.
I have always said that I like change. This is good as it seems my life is full of it. I don't think, that beyond my desire to have children (and I was blessed there), I had a vision of my life.
I think it is very hard to figure out what is true for oneself, and then to accept that this is your truth.
(((Lou)))
Whoah. That lampshade comment really cuts to the quick, because on some level, I think most of us know that we're not really living up to our potential. And for myself, in some sick way, I think I fear success. Like I'm not sure what the reward would be if I put myself out there and succeeded, and I'm not sure I'd have the tools to handle it, so I sort of wait for posthumous recognition or something.
VERY self-defeating.
Let's take those shades off and shine, baby!
This made me chuckle, Jennifer, so I think you should write for a living . . . "so I sort of wait for posthumous recognition or something." :-)
Thank you, Lou. I kind of needed to hear that :-}
Incidentally, the "removed by author" post was me. My comment just posted twice.
I am certainly not living the life I imagined for myself years ago. And I realize now that I was aware the life was different, but not REALLY aware.
And now I'm trying something new. I'm imagining a new life I want to live and struggling to move forward as though I believe it. Struggling is an important word, there. I hope I believe it soon because damn, I'd much rather be living the life I now imagine than imagining the life I want to live.
That made sense when I was typing.
It did.
isn't it strange how what we imagined would be perfect, say, ten years ago...even five years ago...can be so different from what we now imagine? and what we now want?
i'm finding this in my own life. and part of my struggle is overcoming the paralytic regret that can come with that realization. the "i should have done this YEARS ago! why didn't i????" self-flagellation.
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