a customer-service triptych: “hi, my tax package is missing...”

panel one: robot

my first call of the day was to revenue canada, to inquire after my MIA tax package. after wading through a few automated steps, i was immediately connected with “desirée.” desirée wasn’t her actual name, but i’ve decided it should be because of the breathy, computer-generated, synthetically soothing quality to her voice. make no mistake, she was a real human being, but she was speaking so clearly and calmly, and enunciating so well that she sounded like S1m0ne, the lead character in the movie where al pacino creates a movie star on his computer.

anyway...

desirée listened to my question, asked me several security questions to ensure i was whom i said i was, and then told me – as though reading from a script – that my package had, indeed, been mailed out. when i asked whether i should be worried that it hadn’t arrived, she suggested (again, in a robotic but pleasant monotone) that i could pick up a package at my local post office, or request (from revenue canada) that another one be mailed out.

“i think you misunderstand,” i said. “i’m not worried about not having the package in my hands, i’m worried about the possibility that it’s in someone else’s hands.” i cited the SIN number, and identity theft, and desirée suggested i call service canada to ask them whether it might be a cause for alarm, and to find out what, if anything, i might want/need to do.

“if you’d like, i can connect you directly,” said desirée in that strange, hypnotic tone.

“that’d be great, thank you,” i replied.

desirée hit a few keys on her phone and then connected me.

to a busy signal.

fin.


panel two: apathy

after getting the busy signal, i looked up the necessary service canada number myself and dialed it. shockingly (not really), no busy signal.

i went through i don’t know how many automated options, pressing one key after another in the hopes of funneling myself through the governmental maze to the correct department or individual. when i finally hit the final key, the one that would get me to where i needed to go, the recorded voice said the following:

if the line is busy, please hang up and try your call again later.

what?! if the line is busy? did i not just meander through a hundred menus to get here? and now there’s a chance i may have to hang up and try to retrace all those steps to try again?

i waited and mentally pleaded that i’d hear it was ringing.

thankfully, it rang.

unthankfully, i wound up talking to “althea,” who seemed kind of irritated from the get-go. (again, not her real name but one i feel suits her personality.)

i explained my situation, and that someone at revenue canada had suggested i call, and then waited for her words of wisdom.

“well, if you want, you can call the two credit agencies and get your credit report to see if anything’s wrong,” she said in a very blasé tone. “but, really, that’s kind of overkill.”

when i pointed out identity theft, and asked whether people stealing revenue canada packages was common, she said, annoyed, “i don’t work for revenue canada.”

oh. i see. this is how it’s going to go. got it.

i rephrased the question, and asked whether mail theft was a common M.O. for identity theft and she said, “oh yeah. it happens all the time.”

“it happens all the time?!” i replied, mildly panicked.

and althea then clarified that it would be a more constant stream of missing mail, or me having lost a wallet, that would lead to identity theft. “unless someone really wanted to target you specifically,” she added.

by now, i had lost hope that althea would: a) be of any help, or b) even understand what i was asking and why.

so i thanked her and said goodbye.

fin.


panel three: relief

once i’d bid adieu to althea, and with my fears still lingering, i decided to call revenue canada again, in the hopes of maybe being connected with someone not inhaling ether.

i dialed.

i waited.

i got “jake” this time around.

and he was a godsend. friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and relaxed.

he and i went through the same set of questions i’d been through twice already. he, too, suggested i pick up a tax package or order another one, and i feared we were veering down the same path i’d just traveled with desirée and althea.

“is there anything else i can help you with today?” he asked.

“well, jake,” i began. “you haven’t really said anything that makes me not worried about my missing package.” i went on to explain the SIN situation, and identity theft, and then it happened.

he gave me a solid answer.

jake told me that an identity thief would need more than just the limited information on my tax package to do anything. “they could even steal your tax assessment and it wouldn’t be enough.”

ahhhhhh. that was what i’d hoped to hear.

“there! now THAT makes me feel better! thank you!” i said.

fin.