christmas eve mass with father malaria joe

you'd think we would have learned our lesson.

last night, YB and i decided to go to christmas eve mass. we opted to attend mass at the church that's within walking distance of YB's house. some of you may recall this parish, because it's the one we foolishly opted to attend back in april when we wound up sitting through the worst easter mass ever. we reasoned, though, that last year's christmas and new year's masses at this particular church were actually okay, and that the congregation would be outraged if the parish tried to eschew traditional holiday hymns for some awful, modernized hooey. plus, it was close, and we could walk there, and mass was nice and early in the evening.

so, off we went.

at first, everything seemed to be going well. there was no band, there were no screens or projectors with lyrics to songs no one had ever heard of before, and the mass began, as it should, with O Come All Ye Faithful.

however...

shortly after mass began, trixie leaned over to me and pointed out that one of the priests assisting with the mass clearly had one mother of a cold or flu. he wasn't presiding, but he was certainly participating.

his nose -- which he kept blowing over and over again throughout mass -- was bright red. he was coughing a lot. then drinking from the water bottle he'd tucked nearby. then coughing some more. then blowing his nose.

ew.

i was horrified -- he was like a giant petrie dish. i promptly dubbed him "father malaria joe."

surely, i thought, he'll sit out the exchanging of peace. years ago, when toronto was hit with SARS, the archdiocese instituted new practices so that parishioners and celebrants no longer shook hands. instead, you would offer a sign of peace in the form of a nod or a smile or some other gesture that did not involve any person-to-person contact so as to prevent the spread of germs.

yet when it came time for this portion of the mass, father malaria joe not only participated, he shook the hands of the presiding priest, the deacon and all FIVE of the altar servers. some churches now have pumps of hand sanitizer beside the altar so that everyone can quickly and easily sanitize before, say, handling the communion wafers or chalice of wine, but this parish didn't have any. at all. so, there he was, passing his peace and his germs to a whole slew of people who had nothing with which to clean them off.

despite my shock at father malaria joe's seeming cluelessness about germ-spreading, i was certain -- certain -- he would be sensible enough to sit out communion. there was no way he'd dare distribute communion with the same cootie-addled hands into which he'd just spent the prior 40 minutes sneezing and coughing. he couldn't be that inconsiderate or dense.

oh, but he could.

because, just a few moments later, there he was, chalice in hand, standing at the front of the church as folks queued up to receive communion.

without even looking at trix, i said, "no."

even worse, the section of church in which we were sitting was the one he'd been designated to serve.

"no."

i purposely joined another line, and received communion from a lay minister who'd been nowhere near father malaria joe and who hadn't had to shake his germy hand.

yet to my amazement, one after another, parishioners by the dozens stood before father malaria joe and took communion. some even had him place the wafer on their tongues.

and, just to punctuate the proceedings with one last spritz of viral nastiness, as he finished communion and headed back to the altar, father malaria joe let out one more set of coughs.

i was stunned. at the church i'd normally attend with my mom, the head priest would outright forbid ANYONE with a cold or flu from participating in mass at all. in fact, he's often reminded the congregation that, if they're sick or coughing, they should actually stay home so as not to infect their pew mates.

but not at this church.

in addition to his mass duties, father malaria joe finished the evening by standing in the rear vestibule to wish parishioners a merry christmas as they headed out. and so many of them were shaking his hand.

seriously.

i mean, i know i'm germ-phobic, but this was way too irresponsible on the part of the priest and the church. many of the people he was touching, or whose communion wafers he'd handled, are seniors. they really don't need to be taking a flu home along with the weekly newsletter.

as trix and i walked back to her place, we both expressed our surprise and dismay. i said, "i guess a bunch of people will be getting more than the gift of the holy spirit for christmas this year."