deepak-ing and de-packing

today, was a day of planning and purging. getting ready for 2009 and getting rid of a bunch of stuff that didn’t work in 2008... and some things that haven’t really worked for at least a decade.

for the past couple of years, i’ve taken some time at the end of december to write down my hopes, wishes and goals for the upcoming year. these aren’t resolutions but, rather, a blueprint for the universe. a to-do list. it was inspired by deepak chopra and his book The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire, which suggests writing down, in a tangible form, everything you want from your life. in every arena. home. work. relationships. finances. health. spirituality. growth. the whole shebang. (it really does work, i swear.) i talked a bit about this last new year’s eve, and was careful to include the caveat about the importance of details.

i maintain that details are key. and, though the list i wrote last december 31st was meticulously detailed, there were still a number of unforeseen challenges in 2008. universal loopholes, if you will, because the universe is terribly clever. but, as i did as 2007 drew to a close, i’m choosing to view them all as lessons. i made mistakes, but i did learn.

nonetheless, with the eve of the 31st looming, i knew i had to get my 2009 universe list ready to go. i’ll be spending this new year’s eve the same way i spent last new year’s eve – on my own, in my apartment. but, this time, i’m okay with that. at the end of last year, i wished as hard as i could that NYE 2008 would not be the same... that i wouldn’t be alone. AGAIN. but part of what’s happened over the course of the year is a letting go of the fear and sadness around solitude. sure, i totally would have loved to share the night with someone else, but i’m okay with the fact that it just wasn’t in the cards in 2008. so, it’ll be a quiet, reflective evening with snacks and movies and my list.

but i digress.

TODAY... today was a day for working on my deepak/universe list. not finishing it, but getting it going. much to my delight, m-dub had suggested a while back that we get together to brainstorm because she, too, has a deepak/universe list. by doing this together, we figured we’d both be able to find each other’s “blind spots” – the key details we might miss or forget on our own. we could play devil’s advocate for each other, and make sure that we were both being honest and thorough in our list-writing.

so, over she came and lists we did write. we covered all the key areas, and honed in on the ones that were of particular concern or focus for each of us. we took our time, asked probing questions, jotted down notes and ate lunch. after a couple of hours (yes, hours), as we were wrapping up, we somehow stumbled upon dressing. as in, how we dress not what we put on salads. i made an offhand remark something along the lines of, “yeah, i need to do a wardrobe overhaul.”

m-dub’s eyes lit up the way mine do when presented with a tray of cupcakes.

“LET’S DO IT!” she exclaimed.

“no,” was my rather flat reply.

“LET’S DO IT!!!!!” came her increasingly fervent battle cry. “LET’S DO IT!! LET’S DO IT!!!” she was starting to bounce on the couch.

and, as i do with most everything, i resisted. put up a fight. i didn’t want to do it. not right then. not today. but m-dub was having none of it. as i threw up obstacles to her sudden plan, she actually started SCREAMING at me (with affection) in my living room, calling me out on doing exactly what we had just deepak-listed i wouldn’t do in 2009: create obstacles for myself and my own growth and the opportunity for my awesomeness to shine.

fearing for my life (not really... but sort of... i’m kidding... but i’m not... yes i am...), i finally relented. FINE. we’d purge my wardrobe. we would, under m-dub’s watchful eye, get rid of anything in my closets that did not support an image of vickie that fell into one of four categories: confident, sexy, sophisticated or creative. preferably, any items i would keep would meet all four criteria... but they had to meet at least a couple in order to spared from the “donate” pile.

channeling both stacy and clinton (look ‘em up), m-dub supervised as i brought out all the clothes i know i should have purged long ago. “HOW MANY PAIRS OF PAINTER PANTS DO YOU OWN?!?!?!” asked a horrified m-dub when i pulled out my multi-coloured collection from U.S. road trips gone by (back in the day when old navy did not exist in canada, and old navy painter pants were my guilty pleasure). there was also the array of unflattering plaid shirts from the period where i decided to emulate skateboarders in my choice of fashion (don’t ask, it was years ago but i’d kept the shirts), and some big coats that made me look like i was wearing hand-me-downs from an older brother.

when we got to shoes, i thought m-dub’s head might actually explode right off her body. i have many shoes, and many of them really needed to be put out to pasture long ago. the process of purging footwear went (comparatively) more smoothly... except when it came to one particular pair which i refuse to get rid of and which m-dub tried valiantly to get me to toss. they are still in my closet. i don’t care. i drew the line at those shoes.

BUT... i do now have two and a half garbage bags full of clothes and shoes ready for donation. two and a half bags of the past. two and a half bags of someone i no longer am. two and a half bags' worth of opportunities for growth next year.

it was a fairly sizable undertaking, but it had to be done. and i’m so glad we did it. i’m glad m-dub used some tough love. two and a half garbage bags is a LOT of volume and, as m-dub repeated several times, getting rid of all this stuff that doesn’t serve me in any way will make way for the amazing new things that will.

and this big wardrobe purge will help polish the outside of vickie in 2009, while the deepak/universe list continues to work its magic and inform the inside.

already looking forward to january...

i can't wait for the second season to start.

evaporation

today, a lot of snow melted.

a sudden thaw is underway, with temperatures well above normal, and the piles of snow that blanketed the city last week are now rapidly withering and disappearing. this process has also caused massive amounts of fog, as the melting snow literally evaporates into thin air. small, often dense clouds of white mist rise from the snowbanks and front lawns and soccer fields, rising heavenward through the warm air.

and, as i watched it today, i thought what a fitting post-christmas metaphor this phenomenon is. that, two days after one of the biggest, most-celebrated holidays of the year, it's over. all the preparations and lead-up and excitement and hopes and anxieties and wishes and hoopla are already fading into memory.

disappearing into the ether.

christmas in a nut(cracker)shell...

"... and the wise men came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and purr."
(copyright: young beatrix, 2008)

in no particular order:

* my sister and i began the day by going to mass this morning. we refuse to go with my father, because he always behaves poorly and completely misses the point of church to begin with, so he goes with mom to one mass and we go to a different one. unfortunately, this meant we did not get the fun, dry, sarcastic priest we enjoy tremendously, because he presided over my parents' mass. trix and i got the old, s-l-o-w, brink-of-mandatory-retirement priest, who left out a few key items (like the opening sign of the cross), lost his place in the service several times and, much to trixie's alarm (because she works with stroke surgeons and is tuned in to these sorts of things), suddenly stopped and went silent altogether for a good five or six seconds. also unintentionally entertaining at the parish today: the only-on-christmas-day mass schedule, which found a few folks wandering in at the wrong time because their usual 10am mass had been moved to 9am; the random cell phone that rang and rang and rang and rang and rang until its moronic owner FINALLY pulled it out and shut it off on ring #9; and the ever-dramatic church singers, for whom i've imagined all sorts of dramatic interpersonal goings-on in their private lives... all of which will totally be fodder for a short film at some point.

* in terms of gifts, all i wanted this year was stuff i could use. i have enough hat-and-scarf sets to last me the rest of my life. (see also: slippers, towels and mittens.) so i asked that my gifts please be completely unglamourous, non-exciting, fully useful items. like a box of swiffer duster refills. or a roll of non-stick aluminum foil. or subway tokens. things i need and can use and won't have to go out and buy for myself. AND THAT'S WHAT I GOT. (along with other similarly themed stuff.) i was thrilled. seriously!

* christmas dinner -- which was actually a very-late lunch at 2:30pm -- was roasted turkey breast (laden with a wide variety of herbs and spices), baked sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts, corn, stuffing, egg-and-onion rice and cranberry jelly (or sauce, depending on one's preference). it was good. and filling. the cookies are simply left out all the time at this time of year, so they were grazed upon throughout the day.

* we did nothing after that. but we did watch Yours, Mine and Ours (the stinky remake with dennis quaid and rene russo) because we were that desperate for entertainment by 7pm and it was on TV. sad but true.

* and now, at 11:20pm, everyone here has gone to bed, and it's just kyle and me still up. which is fitting, since he's the poster boy for this entry.

* merry christmas to all of you, and to all of you... g'night!

the day the downy died

um.

can downy fabric softener spoil? is there an expiration date on their bottles that i'm just not seeing?

because i went to do laundry the other day, and carted along my trusty blue-and-pink bottle of freshness as i always do. but when i opened it and started to pour out a capful, what emerged was not the downy i know and love.

it was... gelatinous.

as though it had congealed. or froze partially (impossible, given the fact that my apartment is always hot in winter and the laundry stuff is stored in the bathroom closet, which is an extra few degrees warmer than everywhere else).

wait. good grief. did i somehow cook the downy?!

regardless, the lumpy goo that plopped into the cap did not further liquify when added to water, so i think i'm left with no choice but to toss the remaining 1/5 of the bottle. yes, i've had the downy for almost two years and was coming to the end of the road with it anyway, but still.

chunky, goopy downy?

really?

why?

just in case...

oh. hello.

were you at m-dub's birthday soirée yesterday?

have you come here looking for tales of your shenanigans?

expecting to maybe see something about toes or dancing or aluminum tape or madonna or goggles or leopard-print fun-fur pants or delicious lemon creme topping?

well, i'm afraid you'll be disappointed.

'cause i said i wouldn't write about it.

and i won't.

your insanity is safe with me.

this just in...

we’re having a snowstorm. i love a good snowstorm. and i think more people would love snowstorms if they were properly dressed for the weather. converse sneakers, an open jacket and no hat? on a day like today? really, joe cool? no wonder you look like you hate your life.

if you read my dec. 14th entry below, you know i became an insta-fan of sharron matthews and her Sharron’s Party last saturday. guess what? she’s just announced another show in toronto on january 19th. AWESOME.

i’ve been trying my hand at new forms of creative expression of late. writing stuff in new formats. and i’m loving it.

i refuse to see Marley & Me. sorry, not gonna do it. why? because one look at the trailer and i instantly knew how the movie would end. and i try to avoid sobbing in public if at all possible. (see also: vickie won’t be checking out Benjamin Button during its theatrical run.)

sometimes, i really love curling up on the couch in front of the TV on snowy nights, in the glow of the christmas lights, with slippers and a crocheted blanket.

yesterday morning, i remembered how much i miss the series Third Watch.

my mother finished her christmas baking today, and an anxious public awaits her wares.

sharron matthews is a goddess

this woman is beyond delightful. watch the clip.
seriously.

um. excuse me. WHY did no one ever tell me about sharron matthews and her Sharron’s Party cabaret show? why? because, after last night, i feel like i’ve accidentally stumbled upon the beatles, like, four years after the rest of the planet.

she. is. AWESOME.

for the uninitiated – a group that would have included me some 28 hours ago – sharron matthews is a brilliantly talented and super-hilarious actor-singer-comedian-entertainer-storyteller-rabblerouser-cool-lady. if you want to know more about her, it’ll be quicker if you just visit her website, or read her blog, or check out her YouTube channel filled with videos like the one above. off you go. come back when you’re informed.

so, anyhoo, a group of us decided to go to Sharron’s Christmas Party last night. i was a Party virgin, and didn’t know what to expect. i’d heard good things about her from friends, and everyone in the venue seemed pretty pleased to be there, so i figured i’d be in for a treat.

and i was.

for starters, like any good hostess, sharron began the night before she ever stepped onstage, working her way around the room (amid rows of seats and a few tables and chairs set up near the stage) in the pre-show half-hour to greet everyone. INDIVIDUALLY. (i know!)

the show itself was fantastic. a witty and clever and occasionally spontaneous and unexpectedly touching (come on, a room full of people all singing White Christmas has “vickie will get choked up” written ALL over it) amalgam of music, storytelling, christmas reminiscing, comedy and, as noted, audience participation.

so. much. fun.

in addition to sharron, the two-hour extravaganza featured guests sarah strange, a young actor-chanteuse who sang a couple of songs, and jean stilwell and patti loach, who blew the audience away with their performance of the number in that clip and another sadder, more sombre one. there was also an appearance by b-dub (so handsome, so terrific!) and a duet between sharron and a 13-year-old boy (whose name is completely escaping me... dammit) with a HUGE voice.

honestly, such a grinchload of entertainment for only $20. it was money SO well-spent.

and i will TOTALLY be at subsequent Parties because, honestly, it was that good. if you ever get wind that she’s playing in your area, GO. just go.

good things

* amanda peet on ellen

* a TSH of 4.24

* jugo juice's copa banana smoothie

* a sale on tank tops at old navy

* a brisk walk in crisp december air

* truly heinous christmas-special performances by hinges

* a cozy afternoon in slippers

* warm tea and conversation

* fresh pasta with tomato sauce

* enthusiasm, encouragement and excitement

* awesome, creative, fun, talented, inclusive new friends

* starbucks' mini mint brownies* (*now fortified with extra goodness and a dash of crack)

* the reappearance of chet the anole

* amanda peet on jimmy kimmel

* my friday

the bonehead and the book

once upon a time, there lived a young woman who was something of a bonehead on occasion. for the purposes of this story, let’s pretend she’s me. only, she really is me and i only wish this was a work of fiction.

anyhoo...

a lot has been going on these past few months. a lot of great things. a lot of new friendships. a lot of laughter. a lot of fun. and while all this merriment has been taking place, a lot of changes have been happening, as well. with me. in me. now, as anyone who knows me will attest, i don’t really do well with change... but imagine my surprise when i realized that even positive change in my life can give me a case of the heebie-jeebies. so amid this delightful swell of joy came an unexpected undertow of uneasiness. worry. sadness. a sinking feeling of some sort.

those things went hand-in-hand with a sort of emotional unraveling... which is not nearly as dire or freaky as it sounds the way i’ve written it there. if you recall, earlier this year i wrote about vickie 2.0 and change, and how i felt like the tumult of the past couple of years may have all been a part of a bigger picture. well, guess what? i was right. and even though the seeds of that change were planted years ago, and i only recognized what was happening back in september, it wasn’t until the past couple of months that the changes really began manifesting themselves in concrete ways.

thing is, when you’re suddenly in the throes of change, it can cause you to unravel a bit. or a lot. i fell somewhere in between.

after adopting my typical coping mechanism – i.e., doubting myself, retreating, starting to panic a little, dwelling in fear, worrying needlessly – i had a wonderful, enlightening chat with moob and realized that everything, all my inner angst and the self-defeating internal dialogue that becomes the soundtrack for my life during these times, had one common root: fear. all kinds of fears, in fact. not just now, but always. fear and a serious lack of love and respect for myself. wow. it was an epiphany, to say the least, and i felt kind of relieved to have that light bulb click on in a significant way.

nonetheless, i was still feeling adrift. uh oh.

when this odd unmooring occurred, m-dub attempted to throw me something of a metaphoric life jacket. a book. “get this book,” she urged. “this is what you need RIGHT NOW.” in a fit of tough love, i got a little talking-to (affectionately, please understand) about why this book could help me, and what i might learn, and how i could undo my patterns to get over the fear (and all its side dishes) and keep on truckin’ in a thousand great ways. book book book book BOOK.

“get the book!” she yelled lovingly, threatening to pester me like a mosquito at 3am until i did.

and i, of course, immediately resisted the idea. because that’s how i roll.

i put a hold on the book at the library, but m-dub encouraged me to just fork over the money and buy it. it was that important, she felt. hmmmmmmmm. maybe... but no.

she offered to come with me to get it. ummmmmmmmmm. nah.

my argument was that i would wait to get it from the library, even though there were 122 people ahead of me on the hold list. “i’ll get the book when the universe wants me to have it, which is when i’m supposed to get it,” i said, all proud of my rationalization. i believe the response i got was a rather (rightfully) exasperated “WHATEVER.”

now, to put this all in context: the book cost $16. it’s not like it was some precious manuscript that would set me back a huge amount of money. $16. that’s it. about the price of a movie in toronto. less than the cost of a theatre ticket. moving on...

after mulling over the whole book idea, i decided i’d get it, after all. i went to a bookstore, found the book and started flipping through it... almost as if i was looking for justification that this wasn’t for me and that i should put it back on the shelf and just wait for the library (and the universe) to drop it in my lap in good time.

so i did.

i skimmed the book’s contents, checked the price again (yep, still $16!), put it back on the shelf and left the store. in that moment, i felt like i was making the right call. why bother wasting good money on something i can get for free in a couple of months? i decided it wasn’t worth it.

cut to this morning...

in recounting this story of the book buy gone awry to moob, it was as though i was suddenly smacked upside the head and hit with a bucket of cold water: the book, and this whole episode involving my reluctance to buy it, was a blindingly obvious metaphor for me and the way i treat myself in life. namely, i always put myself last because, somewhere deep down, i must think i’m not worth it.

given the amount of time, energy, money and effort i expended on other people in 2008, how dare i balk at shelling out a measly $16 for myself? for something that might not only guide me through the rough waters of change and fear, but actually help me treat myself a little more kindly?

it immediately seemed incredibly ridiculous.

and so, bundled up for the frigid outside air, i took a lovely, quiet 35-minute walk to the bookstore, pulled the book off the shelf again, and bought it. the universe obviously wanted me to have it today, and made sure i woke up to the same realization.

because, really, if i don’t think i’m worth at least $16, how i can i ever expect anyone else to think i’m priceless?

sentimental vickie and the cavalcade escapade

when i sat down to write this entry, i had every intention of simply recapping the delightful events of this past saturday night, when b-dub and dan2 invited me to join them for their annual outing to the cavalcade of lights kick-off. but the more i thought about what i wanted to say, the more i realized that, while i had SO much fun and the whole night was 12 shades of fantastic, there was more to its festive magic than just the tree lighting or the squeaky singing or us laughing at scary elves in christmas windows or splitting an asymmetrical bowl of sweet-potato fries in the warm glow of a post-shenanigans sit-down at a pub.

see, it’s december 1st. and in december, more than any other month of the year, sentimental vickie emerges. oh, you recall sentimental vickie – she swings in here every so often, usually to post something introspective or emotional or corny; she pops up around the holidays to ruminate on feelings or memories or both; she writes mushy, gushy emails or cards and pours out her heart whether you like it or not.

and, occasionally, sentimental vickie is a bit of a downer because she morphs into melancholic vickie... who’s a little less fun and decidedly more reflective. don’t believe me? just reread some of the entries from last december.

but this december 1st, sentimental vickie is feelin’ the love, literally and figuratively. and, if saturday night was any indication, it’ll be a good month...

weeks ago, b-dub and dan2 extended their invite and i enthusiastically accepted. i love stuff like the cavalcade of lights (henceforth known as CoL), but it tends to be a depressing undertaking when one flies solo to such an event. so, having a pair of giddy kippers taking me along sounded perfect.

saturday morning, i conferred with b-dub about a rendezvous spot. see, he and dan2 have a very specific itinerary for CoL night, so i just needed coordinates because i was ready to jump into whatever they had planned. i learned that their tradition always starts with a meet-up at starbucks for holiday beverages and ends with a repose over drinks and snacks. in between, the tree lighting, a tour of the holiday-decorations floor at the bay, and a promenade around the exterior of the bay store to view all the christmas windows (in the proper order, of course). b-dub gave me the details and said their friends j-dub (no relation) and p-dot (a -dot instead of a -dub because she’s wee) would also be coming. awesome! this is definitely the sort of outing that’s merrier with more people.

i bundled up in more layers than a scott mcgehee and david siegel movie (somewhere, ericanddan just smiled), donned my gigantic red down jacket, packed my camera and headed out. i arrived at starbucks and met up with j-dub – a phenomenal opera singer and, thankfully, a totally welcoming, big-hearted goofball – before the rest of the gang showed up, gathered their drinks in the PACKED coffee house and we all made our way to nathan phillips square.

p-dot, who has the dry kind of sense of humour i love, and i weren’t overly keen on being packed into a crowd (in fact, dan2 might be the only one who loves it), but it turned out to be quite spacious and relaxed for the most part... save for the occasional hip-check from someone trying to shove their way past to get closer to the tree or the stage or their gaggle of friends elsewhere in the square.

the opening ceremony was a little drawn-out, but fun nonetheless. the tree lighting itself was grand, the fireworks display was very impressive and the concert portion of the evening was capped off by a performance from the canadian tenors, who pretty much had the audience in a yuletide trance. they were excellent, and organizers were wise to save them for the finale.

the second the fireworks were done, we made a mad dash for the street – no easy task when you’re in a group of five trying to wind your way through throngs of people all headed in the same general direction. no joke, we actually held hands at one point to form a human chain, lest one of our group be swallowed by the masses. but we cleared the square, hopped a guard rail (oh, how i wish i'd taken photos of that process!) onto bay street and proceeded with the night’s plan.

next stop: The Land of Christmas! 5th floor. the bay queen street.

once there, amid the glittery, sparkly, kitschy displays, b-dub, dan2 and i all took out our cameras and launched a decorations-driven photo shoot that had us posing with trees, balls and joan crawford. seriously. i’m not sure how long we were there (half an hour? 45 minutes?) but it wasn’t long enough.

ding! it was time to move on. p-dot bid everyone goodnight, and the remaining four of us trekked back outside and walked around the block that houses the bay, following the story of the christmas windows from south to north, and then east to west. the sidewalks were PACKED with people doing the exact same thing. lots of photos being taken (by us and by everyone else), plenty of commentary (from us, alternately reverent and snarky, but ALWAYS entertaining) and an overwhelming air of JOY. it’s hard to articulate, but it was like everyone out there was, for the most part, on the same page – just completely engaged in the spirit of the night and the windows and all of it. i couldn’t help but get this big, warm, fuzzy feeling. this is what december is supposed to feel like, i thought, and it hasn’t felt like this for me in years.

once we finished gazing at the windows, we walked to a nearby pub for post-festivities eating and drinking and reviewing of the night’s photos before eventually heading home, tired but full in every sense of the word.

and, let me tell you, i walked into my apartment grinning like a fool. to say i had a good time would be an understatement, because (as i mentioned at the outset) i had a truly fantastic night. sentimental vickie was blissed out... but it wasn’t just because of what we did or what we saw. it was because of the company, and the comraderie, and the inherent awesomeness of this great group of people into which i’ve fallen. a fun, creative, weird (in the best possible way), kind, loving and generous batch of folks... which, btw, also includes m-dub of the hinges story, who’s become a tremendous friend in a very short period of time. i can’t begin to express how grateful i am to these people for basically just opening their arms and their hearts and going, “hey! COME ON IN!” b-dub led the charge, for sure, and everyone else has done exactly the same.

it’s awesome. they’re awesome. the night was awesome.

not too long ago, i wrote about how the universe sometimes gives you what you need, even if it’s not necessarily what you want (or think you want).

on saturday night, it gave me both.