pawsing to say...

earlier today, i received a mildly panicked email from one of my editors, who asked if i could come up with a two-page story in the next two days because one of her features had to be dropped at the last minute. so, in addition to the two-page story i have due on wednesday, i now have one due on thursday.

that's a lot of writing, especially when i'll also be working in the office, on two other magazines, this week.

so, if i don't blog for a couple of days, that's why. and i do have bloggable material, most notably in the form of george, the world's most affectionate, lovable cat. honestly, i believe he was heaven-sent -- he's done so much to heal the hole left by kyle, and my mother has a best buddy again.

he follows us around constantly, and wants to be in someone's lap, being cuddled, ALL the time. as soon as you sit down, there he is, shoving his head into your hand or pushing his body into yours to get a belly rub. after nine years of a cat who, while loved beyond measure, was nonetheless aloof and not terribly interested in PDAs, this is exactly the kind of welcome change we all needed.

i babysat him this afternoon while mom took dad for his daily radiation treatment. given that george had only been in the house for a day, they wanted someone around to keep an eye on him. we spent almost the entire two hours sitting together in a chair, or sitting together on the floor, or sitting together on the stairs.

he is a most excellent cat.

george

it is often said that you don't adopt cats, they adopt you.

such was the case earlier today, which is why a knock-kneed, über-affectionate, medium-haired brown tabby named george is, as i type this, curled up on the footstool between my mother's ankles in my parents' house. sleeping.

yesterday, my mom had called to see if i wanted to have a "day out." we'd planned to go shopping and to lunch, and we arranged a meet-up time. later in the day, she called and asked if i'd mind if we changed up the itinerary a bit. "sure," said i. "what did you have in mind?"

and she said she wanted to look at cats. if you recall, a couple of weeks ago, she and YB and i had gone to look at cats, and she'd said afterward that it was "too much." that it was "too soon." and that she wasn't ready to have a cat, so she didn't want to look at cats anymore.

evidently, though, things had changed.

the idea was fine by me -- i LOVE looking at cats! -- so i met her for mass this morning and then off we went. she'd packed a cat carrier in the trunk of the car, "just in case," but she said (and i agreed) that the day was just going to be for *browsing* available cats. checking them out, seeing if any clicked, and then thinking about it for as long as necessary AND with the assurance that she did NOT have to take any cat home today or tomorrow or any until the one where she felt ready.

we visited our local branch of toronto animal services, and found a lobby full of kittens. we asked where the older cats were, since we'd seen a bunch online, and we were directed to the rear of the shelter. there, we found a large adoption room with about 12 cages and 12 dog kennels, all housing cats. there was a fluffy grey cat named bruce roaming the room, and a RIDICULOUSLY loud kitten (seriously, this cat would not stop yowling and he was llllllllllllllllllllloud) making his presence known. his info sheet said "marty is a dominant cat." no kidding!

mom was chatting with the very helpful and friendly volunteer, who was wearing an ID tag that said "cat cuddler." her job was as its description implied: to cuddle the cats, play with them and socialize them. she was muslim and was wearing an abaya (a black, floor-length cloak/dress), and she was covered with cat hair. we all traded stories and she introduced us to each of the cats in the room.

that's when we met george. his name then was "dawson," which did nothing but conjure images of james van der beek and did not suit him at all. mom had it in her head that she wanted to adopt a black cat, because black cats are the hardest to home, but dawson was brown and stripy and fluffy. "do you want to meet him?" asked the cat cuddler.

"sure!"

i immediately sat cross-legged on the floor outside dawson's kennel and the volunteer opened its door. dawson hopped off the chair he'd been sitting on, walked right out and right into my lap, where he flopped down and nuzzled my arm with his head. it took all of two seconds for him to say, "hi. when are you taking me home?"

and he just SAT there. content. completely relaxed. we tried brushing him -- he loved it. i maneuvered to rub his belly -- no problem! i touched all his paws and pressed on his toes -- he didn't even flinch. he didn't care what i did to him, he was just happy to sit in my lap. he was stocky and pretty, with sharp and pronounced markings on his face, shoulders and back. he had pretty eyes and a very gentle demeanor.

then it was mom's turn. she sat down on a chair, i gently nudged dawson off of me and he walked over to her. she patted her lap as if to say, "up!", and he immediately hopped up, flopped down and settled in. "i think we have to take him," mom said, with a kind of what-else-can-i-do?-this-cat-loves-me kind of smile.

while cuddling dawson, we hemmed and hawed for a long time over whether to adopt a buddy for him. but none of the other cats were as affectionate or interested in us -- we let a few out of their cages and they were far more interested in playing with toys than coming over to where we were. thankfully, dawson didn't care a whit that these other cats were around or sniffing his tail or looking him in the eye. (had he been kyle, mayhem would have erupted the second he would have seen a cat, let alone experience one roaming free within a few feet.) where kyle hated other cats, dawson seemed to welcome their presence.

the only thing that gave us pause was a note on his kennel that said he required a special diet. when we asked why, we were told he's had an upset stomach (read: diarrhea) and was being feed sensitive-stomach food. they figured his issues would settle once he was out of the shelter and in some kind of normal routine. (a few hours after he arrived chez mes parents, he made a normal poop.)

we didn't find a second cat we liked as much, so we opted to make dawson an only cat (for now -- we can always add to the family later on). we thanked the volunteer profusely and she said goodbye to dawson, adding, "he's such a sweet cat." then we took his info sheet to the front desk to fill out his paperwork. "we need to decide on his new name before we fill it out," i said to my mom. "they'll need to enter whatever his new name is on his microchip before we leave."

my mom was leaning towards miles, but i pointed out that he was such an oafy, lovable goof that he looked like a "george." (also, there's that looney tunes cartoon about the abominable snowman wanting a pet bunny rabbit and saying "i will love him and hug him and name him george." i knew my dad loves that cartoon, and so does YB, so i figured they'd get a kick out of the name... which they did.)

and that's when dawson was rechristened.

while mom filled out the paperwork, i called trix and my dad. they were thrilled (dad especially). a short while later, george was corralled into the carrier, we were given his license and a big bag of stuff (some of his food, a free bag of new food and a reuseable "i adopted my cat at toronto animal services" shopping bag), and we were on our way. oh, and just before they brought him out, the front-desk attendant made an announcement on the building-wide loudspeaker:

"can someone bring dawson to the front please? he's going home."

a family who'd been browsing nearby turned to congratulate us, which i thought was very nice. the little boy with them wanted to know if we were getting a dog. "no, a cat," said my mom. "we're cat people." and the boy's mother smiled at us.

george did well on the 20-minute car ride to my parents' house, though he did start panting at one point so mom cranked the A/C and he was fine about 10 seconds later. george settled in very quickly and immediately proved himself to be the opposite of kyle where affection is concerned -- he never left the side of any human he could find. where mr. poo was aloof, george was clingy.

he's not declawed (kyle was), so he's already tried to stretch using the arm of the sofa and a chair, but he stops immediately if anyone "no no no!"s him. plus, we bought a couple of scratching devices, and we still have mr. poo's old cat condo with its long scratching posts. we're all hoping he takes to those and not every piece of upholstered furniture in the house.

he absolutely lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves being brushed, and we got at least a dozen brushfuls of hair out of him... likely because he's gone unbrushed for so long. he rolls on his back so you can get to his belly, and he wants more as soon as you put the brush down. this is refreshing and a relief -- the better brushed a cat is, the less likely he is to have hairballs.

but, as we played with him, i noticed it looked like he was limping. he was walking sort of like german shepherds walk, with their hindquarters lower to the ground so they sort of lope. i stood behind george and noticed that his back legs were knock-kneed and his back paws were turned out, charlie-chaplin style. later, when he tried to go up the stairs, he kind of slid and flopped, as though his back legs weren't quite working properly.

going down the stairs was even worse. it was like he didn't know (which is possible) and he sort of flopped and slid on the descent, as well... so much so that he was then scared of even trying. he would stand at the top of the stairs and just kind of look down like he had no idea how to move himself from step to step.

we're hoping it's just a result of him being in the stair-less shelter for two months, and that his strength will get better once he's moving around in a space larger than his kennel. he'll have his first proper vet appointment on tuesday, and i've suggested to mom that she ask for a full work-up -- physical exam, bloodwork, X-rays if needed -- so that we know what might be causing his awkward gait and stair phobia. it could be a birth defect, it could be the result of being hit by a car (his tail also looks wonky, as though it was broken at some point) or it could be something like hip dysplasia, which isn't curable and would mean he'd have to be a one-storey-home cat. mom's a little worried about him ("i can't have another sick cat"), but we're waiting to get the vet report before we panic. trixie has already said she will take him, no problem, if it turns out he's a special-needs cat. she loves him! (he spent a good half hour in her arms, just relaxing, being brushed and dozing.)

for now, george is exploring the house and making himself at home. here he is in one of kyle's favourite spots, looking out into the backyard:

because his chin is white, it kind of looks like he's always smiling.

reality cheque

earlier this week, i spoke to a mortgage broker. i am not yet ready to pursue mortgage pre-approval because i'm not yet sure i'll be buying a home in the next three to six months. nonetheless, i had questions and she had answers.

by the end of it all -- and after reviewing my financial portfolio -- she told me what i would probably qualify for, amount-wise, were i to seek a mortgage right now. turns out, it's more than i thought, which is simultaneously a relief and not a relief. i'm pleased that my initial math had been accurate, and that i hadn't been leading my real estate agent down a garden path lined with notions of homes out of my price range. at the same time, there was a part of me that had hoped this broker would come back with a hypothetical mortgage amount so low as to render any further home hunting a moot point.

that is, i figured if she told me all i'd qualify for would be $12 and a tim horton's gift card, i could guiltlessly and without question call off the home search, resume the status quo and that would be that. off the hook! i wouldn't have to think about making a gigantic purchase, i wouldn't have to worry about moving before i was ready and i wouldn't have to feel melancholy each night as i watch the sun set behind the big, beautiful church across the street and think about leaving this space i love.

because, as i mentioned in my previous entry, one of the things this home hunt has done is show me how great my current place/situation actually is. there's no way i'd ever find the amount of space i have, in this neighbourhood, for the amount i pay in rent each month. in fact, if i were to move out today, the incoming tenant to my vacated unit would be paying almost $300/month more than i am right now... so i doubt i could even find a rental unit in the area at an affordable price. sure, there are the asshats in the house next door and the prospect of a giant condominium eclipsing my building entirely once it's built but, for now, the pros of living here outweigh the cons.

knowing what i can afford and how much a lender will let me borrow is good information to have. it gives me some parameters in terms of cost. what it doesn't do is help me figure out what to do next.

vickie's home hunt -- day two: the panicked room

the photo accompanying this entry is one i took yesterday in one of the condo buildings we visited. that elevator call button was on the 12th floor of a 23-storey building... yet it only goes down. in fact, you can only opt for "down" on any floor other than ground. we tried pressing the button, getting on and pressing a higher floor -- no dice. evidently, if you live on seven and your best friend lives on 15, you can't just hop on the elevator and ride up.

you've got to go all the way down to the lobby and then back up.

in addition to being a rather curious building feature, it's also, i believe, a fitting metaphor for how my day went yesterday. it was, in a word, discouraging.

we began by sitting down in my agent's office, going over all the properties in my price range in the entire GTA that have sold in the last 90 days. it was an exercise to see what's been out there, and what kind of places i could have purchased had i been actively looking in, say, may.

the news was not surprising, really, but was still kind of a bummer. for the most part, the houses that had sold were in areas of the city in which i would not want to live, let alone walk through alone at night after getting off a bus. and the condos, while a little better, still weren't anything exceptional. most didn't have in-suite laundry (my non-negotiable) and the ones that did... well, see above about sketchy neighbourhoods.

i mean, yes, it was encouraging to know there ARE houses that exist within my budget, so i'm not completely crazy to think i can afford something. i just have to believe that something not condemned will show up somewhere not horrible. eventually. (though, i don't just want "not condemned" and "not horrible." i want something i love in an area i at least like.)

anyway...

we went to see five properties. four were in a series of buildings fairly close to YB and my parents. they were all huge and affordable, but with very high monthly condo fees. here is the coles notes breakdown:

building 1, unit 1: old, dirty and in dire need of massive updating and overhauling. "well, this is a sad little space, huh?" said my agent as we walked through. it was also in the "armpit" of the structure, so its windows and balcony look directly into the adjacent windows and balcony.

building 1, unit 2: better, but still nothing spectacular. the laundry "room" was, in fact, a closet. its laminate floor, while clean, was unusually bouncy. especially in the enclosed balcony, which created the effect of feeling like the whole thing might just crack and drop off the side of the building. view of the highway off ramp.

building 2, unit 1: this was the one i'd most wanted to see (it looked really nice online) and it turned out to be the most disappointing. for starters, the washing machine was in the kitchen. a big, extra-capacity washer, sitting on its own (i.e., not even integrated into the design or layout!) in the kitchen. the dryer? alone in a closet. also, the unit clearly belonged to a smoker and its laminate floors were buckling. lower-floor view of the highway off ramp.

building 2, unit 2: this was the one i'd least wanted to see, and had only put on our to-see list because it was in a building we were already visiting. turns out, it was actually the one i liked best of the four (which isn't the high praise that it seems, under the circumstances). it was huge, had a wonderful view and had a massive laundry ROOM (with a window!). its big downfall were all the appliances and kitchen cupboards, which were all reeeeeally old and would need to be replaced. all i could see were dollar signs. had this been a dirt-cheap unit, i might have considered it. but it's not, and the building lobby smells like cigarette smoke... which was a big deterrent.

the view from the fourth place we saw.

oh, did i mention it was EIGHT THOUSAND DEGREES and HUUUUMID out yesterday? and that we had to cross back and forth between the buildings via a big, shade-free parking lot? and that my agent's car is black and essentially a heat sponge? and that we did nothing but sweat profusely within it as we drove, even though the air conditioning was on full blast? by the time the day was done, i was exhausted, sweaty and hungry.

but i digress. we went to see one more condo before the day was done.

it was out of my price range, but in a really lovely neighbourhood and in a really lovely building. so, what the heck, we went. the building was very fancy, and the unit was likewise quite nice (and fairly new)... but tiiiiiiny. a good 50-60 square feet smaller than my current apartment! and the bedroom had a sliding door out to a shared balcony, which i thought would be a security concern should i decide to open my door for some overnight air. and, again, at the price they wanted, i wasn't interested. had it been about $80,000 cheaper, i might have entertained it... but, even then, it would have been a case of "this'll do" and not "i love this."

so, my agent dropped me off and suggested our next outing be to look at houses. we'll likely do that on the weekend.

and, as soon as i got home last night (after going to see Rock of Ages, which i really enjoyed, with a friend), i started to panic. like, full-on "what the heck am i THINKING?!" panic. suddenly, i didn't want to move. didn't want to buy anything. i was overcome with feelings of "i love my apartment, i love my neighbourhood, i love my view... WHY would i want to leave it?!"-ness. i didn't sleep at all, and turned myself into an anxiety-ridden, headachy stressball by morning.

i think i was (and still am) a little overwhelmed, both by the process (which suddenly felt very lonely and gigantic and scary) and my prospects (which appeared to be less-than-thrilling and unplentiful). both YB and my movie pal said, "why are you looking to buy now?", and both suggested maybe i need to be renting a while longer so as to keep building my down payment. i mean, i don't hate where i live. in fact, i love most things about my apartment, and there's no WAY i could afford to buy a place in the vicinity right now. though, once in a while, a real-estate anomaly does happen.

so, i've asked my agent if we can slow down a bit and just browse to gauge whether it makes sense to search for real right now. i don't want to buy something i don't really want, just for the sake of buying. but i also don't want to waste her time (or that of a mortgage broker) if it's better to suspend my search for a little while and hope the market improves. we'll see.

and, in the meantime, we'll continue to tour properties...

vickie's home hunt - day one: it begins

for a moment, i thought about starting a whole new blog dedicated solely to my search for a home. it could be like the anti-Hell House Nightmares blog. but then i figured: it would likely wind up one more neglected space on the internet, and would result in me trying to double-blog.

so, i'm going to write about it here. for now.

and, today, the search officially gets underway. i'm meeting with my amazing real-estate agent at 10:30am. we'll have an intensive Home Buying 101 refresher course (it's been six years since i last browsed the market in any kind of serious capacity), review my finances (turns out, i can afford more than i thought... comfortably) and then head out to see five properties.

all the places today are condos, and all are in the north suburbs. i have zero interest in living downtown, so condominiums in the core of the city -- of which there are, quite literally, tens of thousands -- are not, and won't ever be, on the to-see list. i'd love to live where i live now, but this is an EXTREMELY expensive neighbourhood. the condos a block away *start* at almost $1 million... and that's for the bachelor unit next to the garbage bay.

four of the condos today are more than 1000 square feet. all have two bedrooms. all also have their own dedicated laundry rooms (about 5' x 8'). but they're in older high-rise buildings and, despite a very-affordable-for-that-kind-of-massive-space purchase price (and evidently motivated sellers), their condo fees are quite high. and the complexes are very, very large. and they have forced-air heat. and i don't know that i want to live anywhere where i'm going to wake up every day worried that someone in the building has bed bugs that might have crawled through the ductwork to my place under cover of night.

my mom is all for these particular units because they're gigantic and have killer views and did i mention, gigantic? plus, they're a 20-minute walk from my parents' house in one direction, and a 20-minute walk to YB's house in the other. but there's a tiny voice in the back of my brain saying, "this might not be the right option for you..." when i think of this particular complex.

the fifth place is a pricier -- and smaller (by about 350 square feet) -- one bedroom + den in a better neighbourhood. but it's not handy to the subway, so i'd be at the mercy of the bus system.

more and more, i am leaning towards purchasing a house. not a big house -- two bedrooms would be more than fine -- but a detached home that would be all mine and would not share walls or roofing with anyone else's home. in toronto, even the tiniest detached houses in decent neighbourhoods start around $450K, which is way too much for me. the tiny toronto houses i *can* afford are in neighbourhoods where i'd be afraid to walk home alone at night... so, they're out.

but if i look north of the city (newmarket) or west of the city (mimico), suddenly i have options. i would be trading my current, heavenly commute -- namely, that i can walk to work in 40 minutes, and to the center of the city in about the same -- for affordability, and it's a trade-off i'm considering. i could afford a three-bedroom detached house with an in-ground pool if i wanted one. [note: as nice as it sounds in theory, i do not want to own an in-ground pool.] i could have two storeys and a yard. of course, it would take me more than an hour to get to the office, but still. it's food for thought.

and i suspect i'll be gnawing on it all for a while.

in the meantime, for today, i have packed my notebook and camera and open mind. i have no idea where this Big Fat Journey will ultimately end up, but i'm looking forward to finding out.

making the call

earlier today, for the first time in my life, i called the police.

i've always assumed that my inaugural call to the authorities would be to complain about noise or a psychotic neighbour or an accident, but no. turns out, my first ever call to police was because an old man needed help.

i was heading to the post office and library, and i came upon a clearly disoriented elderly man at a major intersection. he was standing on one corner opposite me, sort of talking to himself and waving his arms, and folks were giving him a very w-i-d-e berth when passing.

thing is, he didn't look homeless. as i approached, i saw that the bridge of his nose was bruised and bloodied, as though maybe he'd fallen and hit his face. he was dressed normally -- golf shirt, shorts, visor -- but was obviously not aware of his surroundings. i felt like i should help him, but wasn't sure what to do... and, like so many others, i hoped someone else would step in.

no one did. instead, this man began crossing the intersection and then stopped right in the middle of the street. a young guy hurrying past him told him, "the light just changed!", but didn't actually help the old man to the curb. instead, much to my horror, the elderly man just stood there, IN TRAFFIC. others around me craned their necks to see, but i didn't notice anyone whip out a cell phone to call for help.

the elderly man made it safely to the other side of the street (thankfully, the oncoming cars stopped to let him finish crossing) and there were a few folks standing near him. surely, i thought, one of them has a cell phone and will call police to have them come help him. the man might have wandered away from a nursing home, or might have been out for a walk (he also had a black cloth shopping bag with him) and become confused. either way, surely someone would do something.

by now, i was kitty corner to where he was, and i continued on to finish my errands.

but when i came back to the intersection 10 minutes later, he was still there. still talking to himself. still criss-crossing through the intersection dangerously slowly.

so, i went for help.

because i don't have a cell phone, i went into one of the nearby office buildings and headed to the security desk. i explained the situation to the (thankfully) very concerned security guard. even though the elderly man was on an opposite corner a block away, and out of this guard's jurisdiction, he came outside to get a look at him, then said i could call police from his desk phone.

and that's what i did. i was wary of calling 911, since it wasn't an emergency, per se, so i called the main police-inquiry line. i figured if, after hearing my story, they deemed it an emergency, they could be the ones to connect me to 911.

funnily enough, as i waited for someone to answer, i also wondered if whomever answered would think this was unworthy of police intervention. but then i remembered how many times over the years i've seen "missing senior" alerts on the news, and how it's always been the police who have handled the matter.

after about seven seconds, a very nice woman answered the phone. she agreed this was a potentially dangerous situation for this man, so she took down the location and all the info i had on him (i made sure to note everything he had on, and which direction i'd last seen him walking, before going into the building to call), then asked for my first name.

"thank you, vickie," she said, "we'll have a car there as soon as we can to check it out."

i thanked her and said i hoped the elderly man would still be in the vicinity when they arrived.

and that was that.

the security guard thanked me for my concern, and said he's never had anyone come to his desk to do something like that before. i told him i just did what i would hope someone else would do for my parent or grandparent if they were spotted walking into traffic.

when i left and carried on towards home, i looked to see if the man was still around. it took me a few seconds to spot him, but i did -- he'd wandered about another half block south. i went back inside to the security guard and updated him on the man's location, just in case police came inside to ask him what had happened or where the guy had gone (i'd told the operator where i was calling from when i spoke to her).

then i went home. part of me feels like i should have chased after the man and stayed with him, but i didn't. i only hope the police arrived soon after and that they took him back to wherever it was he needed to be, or that some other good samaritan along the way felt the same way i did and also stepped in to do his or her good deed for the day. i want to believe someone would and did.

5 quickies

* my apartment building was sold to a new property management company. after a night of worry (what if they ruin the building? what if they turn it into hell house v.2.0? what if everyone i like moves out and i'm stuck here with nightmare neighbours???), i decided it's time for me to buy a home. to take control of my living quarters. not to think about doing it in a few years, but to get the ball rolling. now. so, i emailed my real estate agent and we're arranging an official sit-down.

* in related news, i think i might have found a great condo building with massive units. it's an older property, but it's in a good location. i'd have my OWN LAUNDRY! in its own LAUNDRY ROOM! (not tucked in a closet or planted in the kitchen!)

* YB has not adopted any cats. my mother has declared she's not going to even LOOK at cats anytime soon. seems our weekend visit to toronto animal services -- and subsequent cat therapy with a young mother cat and her five kittens -- proved too much her. and YB is realizing how hard it is to make this kind of decision.

* in related news, *i* actually started seriously considering adopting a couple of those siblings. or just a cat or two, in general. i had a lengthy discussion with my therapist about it and why i keep talking myself out of it. though, if i do plan to move within the next year, it might be better to wait until i'm settled in a new place.

* it's been ridiculously hot in toronto for the past few days. it's cooler tonight and will be comparatively cool tomorrow... before it gets hot again on the weekend.

office vignette: distracted driving

the other day, my editor and i were going up a central set of stairs in our office building. as we ascended, a stunningly beautiful woman began to come down the stairs and passed us. i wondered who she was, and i wondered if my editor knew.

when we reached the landing at the top of the staircase, my editor whispered, "wow."

i thought, "ah, he noticed her, too!", but decided to play dumb.

"what?" said i, as we continued walking to our department.

"he's lost about 35 pounds and he looks phenomenal."

wait. what?

"who has?"

"that guy on the web team."

huh? i wondered if this was a weird non sequitur or if i had clearly missed something.

"who? the guy who worked on our father's day project?"

"yeah. he looks amazing."

"did we pass him or something?" i said.

"yes! didn't you see him? he was standing by the kitchen when we came up."

"he was?"

"yes," said my editor -- who's gay and who knows i am, too -- with a laugh.

"oh! i didn't even see him! i was totally distracted by that beautiful woman we passed on the stairs!"

my editor paused. "there was a woman on the stairs?"

fin.

a round on me

* today, one of the magazines at the publishing company launched its iPad app and, to celebrate, hosted a candy buffet! there was SO MUCH CANDY. a bunch of us gathered to enjoy it and to make repeated return visits to the enormous bowls full of candy (jelly bellies, M&Ms, pearson's mints, wine gums, sour keys and red licorice!) until we'd filled our cupboards (and stomachs) with enough to last a lifetime. or, at least, until next wednesday. mmmmm, free candy!

* both mom and YB are thinking about adopting cats. in mom's case, and especially now that my visiting aunt (read: a distraction) has left, the house feels empty and she misses the constant company kyle provided. she wants to wait until after my father's radiation treatments are done, though… or, at least until they've settled into a routine with it. for trix, it's the need for a pet (she would go for "cat therapy" chez mes parents, but can no longer do that) and the desire to perhaps discourage wayward mice from taking up residence behind her walls or in her attic. she's heard tiny scratching sounds of late, and i think that's amped up her desire to have a four-legged friend padding around her pad before autumn hits. oh, and she says she'd actually get two so they wouldn't be lonely during the say while she's at work. two cats! :-D

* it continues to be hot in toronto, though we did have a few days of much more moderate, breathable, livable weather, which was very nice. today, though, the heat has returned and, with it, my after-work loitering at the office. i'll likely be here until about 7pm today, and then i'll walk home so that i don't get into my apartment until closer to 8, when the sun is already lower in the sky and isn't baking my north-facing windows so much. on the upside, being at work late means i stay cool for a few more hours; on the downside, it means i get home more much later than normal… so, it'll probably be cereal for dinner tonight.

* unless i stop at whole foods on the way home and pick up something easily portable and heatable there. but whole foods isn't cheap, and i'm not sure i want to carry a container of spillable food for 20 minutes. going uphill. the waffling continues.

* yesterday, i did seven phone interviews in a row. one right after another. it was for a testimonials-based story, and i was chatting with many seniors who'd all gone on the same cruise. initially, i thought the day would be an absolute nightmare (based on what the client wanted me to mine from these folks for the piece), but it turned out really well. everyone was very chatty, even the ones i'd feared would be monosyllabic and uncooperative. now, of course, i have to transcribe all these interviews, which is not an easy or speedy process. i am procrastinating as i type.

* i have found a new writer whose work i enjoy tremendously. well, she's not new to the world or anything, but i've just newly found out about her. her name is sloane crosley, and she writes hugely witty, smart and clever essays that make me want to be a better, wittier, smarter and more clever writer. plus, her first book is called I Was Told There'd Be Cake… so, you know. sold.

* Big Brother starts tonight! and, thus, for the next 14 weeks or so, i will spend sunday, wednesday and thursday nights with julie chen and company. bring on the slop pass! in related TV news, i have started watching The Big C and like it very much.

* facebook has, once again, become a source of frustration for me. more and more, i find my FB friends are using the site almost exclusively for repeated marketing messages, and are confusing "friend" with "fan" or "client." in my opinion, if you have a business or a project or an event, create a page or group for it, let your friends know, let those who are interested join, and then direct all your online marketing to THAT page and its members. not your friend list. a few messages are fine. daily reminders? exhausting and annoying and cause to embrace the "hide" function. i'm pretty sure the CEO of sears isn't regaling his personal contact list with announcements about appliance sales or discounts on towels, and i can almost guarantee the president of ford isn't inundating his college buddies and grandkids with status updates detailing new leasing options for the fusion. working for the business magazine, i've learned a lot about how best to maximize social media as a marketing tool, and having your friends (on FB, twitter or wherever) turn you off completely because you've buried them in self-promotion, advertising or pleas for cash is not the way to go. smart businesses follow the 1-in-10 rule: for every marketing message you put out, you need to engage your followers with 10 non-marketing messages. not the other way around. and i would think that goes doubly when it comes to your friends. /end of rant.

burying the lead

at about 8:45am this past monday, my phone rang. since it was a holiday in toronto, and since i'd just seen everyone in my family the night before, i found this pre-9am ringing curious. "who'd be calling me at this time?"

i picked up the phone and it was my father. super. he rarely calls (thank goodness), and certainly not this early in the day, so this was odd.

after he'd identified himself, he paused. then he said, rather solemnly, "there's been an emergency."

immediately, my heart raced -- what had happened?!?! had mom fallen or had a heart attack??? did something happen to trixie??? had my visiting aunt choked on a cookie??

quickly, and slightly panicked, i said, "what happened????"

"well..." he began, and then paused again. why? because he's been self-medicating with tranquilizers and anti-depressants since his cancer diagnosis, so his reaction time is now only slightly quicker than that of a napping sloth and his brain processes ingoing and outgoing information very s-l-o-w-l-y.

"WHAT IS IT?! JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!!!" i shouted.

"tony had a heart attack."

huh?

WTF?

"tony WHO?" i asked, feeling my blood pressure slowly returning to normal.

he went on to explain that it was a cousin of mine -- the one who'd gotten married the weekend before. blah blah blah. and then he said, "so, i just thought you should know your aunt's staying with us for a few more days."

THAT'S IT?!?!?!

"so, trixie's fine and mom is fine and that's all you called to tell me?" i said, trying to swallow my frustration.

"yeah, that's it," he said.

i told him perhaps he should have OPENED with "your aunt is staying with us for a few more days" and then proceeded to the heart-attack story. geez.

updates: volume two!

* it has been exceedingly hot in toronto this past week, as it has been in much of north america. i know there are people who enjoy this weather, but i would be willing to bet almost everything i own that those same people ALL have air conditioning. that is, they love the heat to an extent and because they can choose to escape it if needed, but wouldn't actually want to live in it for any longer than tolerable. no un-air-conditioned person i know enjoys temperatures in the 90s and low-100s. not a one. why? because we all know what it means to have no choice but to exist, night and day, in that kind of heat. to sweat just because you're breathing. to have hot toothpaste and hot shampoo and hot floors. to eat only cold meals -- nothing boiled or baked or toasted. to sleep spread-eagled, not moving. to watch TV with your feet in buckets of cold water. i've lived without air conditioning for the past 13 summers, so i've grown used to it and have learned how to cope. but i still hate it and long for autumn and winter.

 * due to the heat, i will likely forgo the annual outdoor art exhibition downtown. it doesn't open until 10:30am daily and, by that time, the sun is already baking the city.

 * last night, i had an odd dream about jillian michaels. for the uninitiated, she's the fairly-newly-out-but-long-known-to-be lesbian fitness guru most recently seen as a loud, maniacal trainer on TV's The Biggest Loser. i've always found JM to be super-hot in kind of a terrifying way (you know, because she is always screaming but still gorgeous), but this was her inaugural appearance in my subconscious. in the dream, she was a designer and she was redecorating my bedroom (not a metaphor) for a TV show. the bedroom in question was not my bedroom in my waking life but, instead, this enormous space filled with the ugliest colours and patterns and upholstery and linens. everything was loud and mismatched, which a very calm and very sweet jillian kept pointing out to me. as she explained the design makeover she had in mind, i remember thinking how incredibly lovely she seemed -- nothing at all like the shrieking crazy lady audiences had come to know. i also remember thinking, "if she didn't have a partner, i might have a shot." we were getting along really well, she was funny and smart, and we wound up sitting on the massive (like, double-king) bed talking about her life. then i woke up… and wondered what it all meant.

 * much to my delight, esthero has returned from oblivion and is releasing new music. i've played her first, and best, CD -- released waaaay back in 1998 -- at least several thousand times over the years.

* mr. poo's ashes arrived. they came in a teeny, adorable urn with a certificate of cremation and a really moving condolence card from the pet hospital. for now, the urn and its contents are still in their box, tucked away in a cupboard with some of kyle's other things, because none of us are ready to have them on display yet. it's still brings up sad memories of our velvety little buddy's last few days. in time, though, my parents will move the urn to a special spot somewhere.

* a while ago, my friend lou wrote about finding the meaning in one's life and one's days. right now, i'm having some trouble finding the meaning in what i'm doing with mine. not to say, at all, that i find my life meaningless, but i am struggling to feel fulfilled at the end of each day. it's part of the reason i stopped the photo blog and left this blog sporadically attended-to for so long -- i was wondering why i was keeping up either, and whether i was actually getting anything out of them anymore or if posting had become a duty rather than a form of creative expression. i'm still not sure. i'm just feeling like i'm not really getting as much out of my days -- or my life -- as i could, and i'm trying to figure out how to remedy that.

* in antithetical-to-finding-meaning news: Big Brother starts in one week. and my summer evenings will once again involve words like veto, slop and HoH. the news that four of the houseguests will be power players from seasons past fills me with anticipation and dread.

 * work has been going well, though it's been fairly quiet at the office. i've been doing more editing and freelancer management in recent weeks, which is fine. i've written a bunch, too, but nothing that's been super-exciting. i did get to write two articles for the august issue of the entertainment magazine, which my bank account appreciated. actually, i'm on track to have an excellent 2012, income-wise… which is good, because the idea of purchasing my own home (be it a condo or house) is still in my head as a goal for 2013 or 2014.

* today's photo was taken on may 1st. it's a small café table shot through a waterfall.

updates: volume one!

* my birthday road trip with YB was delightful… despite the fact that she came down with a nasty cold the day before we left and we actually came thisclose to cancelling the trip as a result. but she was a trooper and did all the driving even though she had a killer sore throat (first two days) and a totally congested head (last two days). we ate lots of junk, scored a number of deals ($3 shirts! $1 socks! $15 shoes!) and, thankfully, did not find any bed bugs when we thoroughly tossed the hotel rooms upon check-in. [honestly, it amazes me that anyone would check in to a hotel and not give the beds a once-over before climbing in. in this day and age, that's just foolish.]

* at our first hotel, which was advertised as a smoke-free facility, we encountered cigarette smoke coming in under our door both nights of our stay. after extended (and futile) back and forths with the front desk, and after filling out an automated "how was your stay?" survey a few days after we got home, i was actually contacted via email by the general manager… who informed me that, despite their "policy," they can't actually do anything to a guest who's found smoking. "we can only politely ask them to stop," she wrote, "and some of them just refuse." when i replied to her message, i asked what the point of having ANY policy is if there are no actual consequences that might encourage guests to actually follow the rules. she had no response, but emailed back to say she hopes we'll consider staying at that hotel on our next visit to cleveland. meh.

* my father has been diagnosed with cancer. again. this time, it's his prostate. it's not serious, though he now has to undergo radiation treatment: five days a week for the next eight weeks. i mention this not because i'm at all concerned about my dad -- he's done nothing at all to improve his health or even follow his doctors' most basic instructions (evidently, "drink water" and "get out of your recliner" are simply too difficult and taxing for him), so i have zero sympathy for him -- but because it means my mother will spend the next two months shuttling him back and forth to his treatment. monday to friday. 40 appointments, not including follow-ups and the like. and i am already fuming that he is not thanking her every waking second.

* instead of thanking her every waking second, he's complaining. and i am ASTOUNDED at his complete lack of perspective and gratitude. did i mention my parents have been hosting my visiting aunt (my dad's sister) on and off for the past two weeks? she's in town from arizona and has been staying with assorted relatives -- a few days here, a few days there -- since mid-june. of course, when i say my parents have been hosting her, what i really mean is that my mother has been hosting her and my dad (her brother!) has been sitting on his ass in his recliner. complaining. about everything. my aunt says she's having a great time with my mother… and she says it in such a pointed way that her subtext might as well be actual text: "but your father is an asshat."

* i was somewhat surprised by how many friends of mine either forgot about, or chose to ignore, my birthday this year. i'm not saying i wanted a pony and balloons and a fireworks show, but there were a few people who didn't acknowledge it at all. no card, no phone call, no email, no facebook message… nothing. at first i thought it might have been because so many folks knew i would be away over the weekend, and had maybe decided to withhold greetings until they knew i was home, so i held out hope that maybe i'd get belated birthday wishes upon my return. nope! after a lengthy discussion about this with my therapist today, i feel better about things and have my own sense of gratitude back.

* as some of you may have realized, i have abandoned the photo blog. posting photos and then having no one actually visit the blog -- despite linking to it elsewhere -- was discouraging. after a while, the whole thing felt pointless. i would get maybe four or five hits per week, and they were usually my own visits. i'd started that blog as a way to kick start my creativity and to see whether i'd be able to maintain it for 365 days. turns out, yep, i could! every day for a year (actually, a year and several months), i took a photo. i proved to myself i could do it. no need to keep proving it to myself over and over again. so, the image above is one of several remaining daily shots that i'll be burning off. i took that one on may 6th.

yep, hang on a second...

i've had lots to write about. i've also been feeling apathetic about writing. or i've been tired. or i've been away. or it's just been too effing hot. lots of reasons. pick the one you like best.

but i do have a big pile of updates. hopefully, i'll post them tomorrow. it'll be a slow day at the office, so maybe i'll do it there. in the air conditioning.

in the meantime, i leave you with this belated photo from the june 21st office "party" (read: afternoon snacks) to celebrate those of us with birthdays in late june: