cuttin' loose

UPDATE: not surprisingly, my broker did not reply to my email by 9am today. in fact, by 3pm (a full 24 hours later), he still hadn't replied. so, just after 3pm today, i sent my "we need to see other people" email and officially ended our broker/client relationship. i also asked, very politely, that he please return all my financial paperwork -- which is apparently a very reasonable request, given that i was the one who had to make the copies in the first place. it's now almost 9:30pm and, shocker, i still haven't heard a word.

i think it's time to fire my mortgage broker.

if you recall, he became harder to reach as soon as he had all my paperwork. then he announced, after he'd already left, that he'd be in arizona until the end of october. he's answered my interim emails sporadically and, usually, with brief, incomplete text messages. many of my questions have gone unanswered.

so, today, i begrudgingly followed up (which should have been *his* job, not mine) about a face-to-face meeting so he could go over with me the pre-approval he'd secured, and what all the various terms and conditions mean. i asked if he had some time in the next week or so to get together to do so.

he replied that it'll be "tough to meet" next week because he "leaves for the south" on thursday morning, and is fairly booked up beforehand. he asked if we could set up a phone call instead... which would have been fine if he'd bothered to reply to my week-old email asking TO SET UP A PHONE CALL but now just looks like he's not paying attention.

i sent him an email asking whether he has time *this* week (tomorrow or friday), and said that i would be more than happy to come to his office so that he doesn't have to go anywhere.

that was around 3pm today. he has until 9am tomorrow to reply.

if not, i've already drafted my "this is no longer a good fit for me" email and will then send it.

(even though i'm genuinely terrified that he's going to retaliate somehow and use allllll that personal data i gave him -- financial records, tax returns -- to screw me over somehow.)

oh well...

i was 99.9% sure i was going to put in an offer today, but when my agent contacted the listing agent, he told her it sold.

no idea when, since the broker listing still indicates it's for sale.

but, that's the end of that.

i will admit that i'm disappointed. but wiser for the experience.

so...

... i might put an offer in on the condo tomorrow.

much of today was spent talking... and talking and talking and talking... about the condo and my indecision. for me, talking things through is how i find answers and come to realizations and make decisions. sometimes that means i need to talk about the same thing over and over again until an epiphany pops out.

i saw my therapist this morning, and we had a great discussion about it all. "this will be a very challenging experience for you," she said, citing my need to have all the answers even when there are unknown variables. she knows about my fence-sitting and she knows exactly why it exists. and, after talking things through with her, so do i.

in the afternoon, i went into the office for a baby shower and lots of visiting with my colleagues. so, more talking. more thinking out loud. more revelations. and one co-worker who, after listening to me talk about all the things i like about the condo, said, "uh, you sound like you love it."

"no, no. i do like it, though."

"no," she said. "i'm listening to you and you sound like you LOVE it."

she then added that, if what i really need is someone to ORDER me to go for this condo, she would do it. "i can be that person for you!"

and what i discovered through all of this (though, mostly after my own blog entry yesterday) is that the actual condo itself -- the inside, the unit, the space in which i will have my things and the place i will call home -- is what matters most to me. i mean, the neighbourhood matters -- i don't want to live anywhere sketchy -- but it's my home that's tops on the priority list between the two.

when i clued in to that, it suddenly became easier to entertain the idea of possibly moving to this condo and living there. and i realized that a lot of things i'm dreading about buying a condo will apply no matter which one i choose or when -- i'll still have to pack all my things, i'll still have to find a mover, i'll still have to adjust to a new building and new neighbours and a new life.

so, at the end of my day at the office, i decided to take matt's suggestion and join the evening commute "home" to the condo building. i was leaving work at about 5:45pm, which is about the time i'd normally be heading home, so i just stayed on the subway past my stop and timed my journey.

desk to door (because i went right to the condo building without going inside) was 43 minutes, and that included a longer-than-normal wait for a bus.

43 minutes ain't bad, and is only about 15 minutes more than my current commute.

then, i took another of matt's suggestions and walked around the area at night. not up and down side streets (it was dark and rainy, after all), but down the main street, past shops and restaurants and what i believe is one of toronto's only jamba juices.

and it didn't feel weird.

it didn't feel scary.

and i didn't feel a big thud in the pit of my stomach.

so. we'll see what tomorrow brings...

some (very small) photos of the condo

the den. (it looks small, but it's 8'x8'.)

the kitchen. (14'x8'.)

living/dining room, angle one. (22'x12'.)

living/dining room, angle two.
yes, there's a breakfast bar into the kitchen.

main bathroom (there's also a really nice powder room).
i think that bathtub is the reason it's not selling.

i have a permanent indentation on my ass...

... from all the fence-sitting i do.

the home hunt is no exception and, even though it's been three days since my last post about indecision, i remain undecided. though, as my friend matt has wisely pointed out, i've probably made up my mind even though i haven't made up my mind about making up my mind.

i spent a lot of time pondering this condo unit over the weekend. as i mentioned last time, it has a LOT going for it, and the chances of me finding something that big, at that price, in a closer-to-the-core neighbourhood are slim to none. it affords great views and tons of light, and a huge galley kitchen that, with a spiffy IKEA reno, could be amazing.

but something just feels off.

i haven't yet gone for a walk around the neighbourhood because the weather's been crappy and wet, so that remains on the to-do-before-a-final-ruling list. with matt's help (thank you!), i've google-walked through the area and discovered some okay (if not great) walking options, and there are definitely amenities within a 15-minute stroll in more than one direction. it would be closer to mom and trix, with easier access (transit-wise) to their houses, and it's in a really well-built, well-managed building where condo fees are unlikely to suddenly spike because the hallways need to be jazzed up or a sinkhole opened in the parking garage. and did i mention it's huge? because it is.

but still.

fortunately, the same crappy weather that's kept me from touring the neighbourhood has also meant no one else has gone to view the unit over the past few days, and i don't expect anyone will until the winds die down and the rain lets up. so, maybe wednesday. as such, i don't feel rushed. and, if someone else does go to see it in the next couple of days and falls in love with it and buys it on the spot, then i wasn't meant to live there, anyway.

but i don't know. i'm trying to figure out what's more important to me: a great home in a so-so neighbourhood, or a so-so home in a great neighbourhood? i mean, i want my condo to be someplace i can't wait to get home to... so maybe that means it's what's inside, not outside, that should matter more.

the undecided

about four hours ago, i thought i was ready to make an offer on a condo. the same condo i saw on wednesday, which mom and trix came with me to see again today. they both really liked it for its size, natural light and potential. they also liked the building. we spent about an hour in the unit with my agent, imagining redecorating and how much new floors would cost and where i'd put my desk.

when we left, i was feeling really anxious and uncertain -- i felt like i should move forward and take the next step, but i wasn't 100% sure. so, i headed back to the 'burbs with mom and trix, and we spent the afternoon doing yard work in YB's backyard.

over dinner, i continued to feel like maybe i'd found my condo. maybe this was where i was meant to live. trixie, mom and i talked about it for the next hour, and i was getting increasingly confident that this would be the place for me.

then one of them, i can't remember who, made some kind of passing comment about walking, and i was suddenly hit with this wave of sadness that, in this condo, i would no longer be able to walk downtown. or walk to work. or go for long walks in a beautiful neighbourhood. i've been doing all of those things, and loving it, for the past 13 years. despite its many problems, even hell house was located in a beautiful part of the city, within a 25-minute walk of the centre of downtown and surrounded by big old houses and towering trees.

when i remarked at the sudden gut-punch of sadness, my mom tried to smooth it over by, unfortunately, pointing out that i'll be 50 in nine more years and maybe i won't want to walk such great distances for much longer. (yeah, all that comment did was make me feel even sadder -- about getting older and maybe getting all my big, long walks in now.)

trix wisely said, "well, you need to decide how important that is to you, and then figure out what you want to do."

turns out, maybe proximity to the core of the city is more important than i thought. (i laugh now when i think of my early notions of moving waaaay outside of toronto to oakville or newmarket.) after that sadness-wave moment, i couldn't get back on the "yeah, this is the right place for me!" bandwagon. something was just gnawing at my gut, and every time i thought about the not walking, that pang of sadness returned.

now, to be clear, i fully realize that i could still take the bus or subway to get myself closer to downtown and then walk, but it's not the same thing as waking up, lacing up your shoes and walking our your front door to wherever you want to go. to TIFF, to hot docs, to screenings, to the ferry that takes you to the toronto islands (admittedly, that's an hour-long walk, but still totally do-able).

when i thought about the earlier condo i'd gone to see and had pondered buying -- the one that was sold before mom and trix could see it -- i suddenly felt like that one would have been a much better fit. something about the idea of a condo in that neighbourhood, with its mature trees and million-dollar homes and shopping street and renovated library and one-hour walk to the centre of toronto, felt (feels) more right somehow. the problem there is that the number of one-bedroom units is very small, and the turnover is very low, so there's no guarantee that any units would become available anytime soon, or even within the next year.

yet when i think about walking around that neighbourhood, and living there, i get an excited feeling in my tummy. when i think about the condo we saw today, and walking around that neighbourhood and living there, i don't have that feeling. even though the condo unit itself is great and huge and has so much of what i'm looking for, i can't shake the feel that i'd be settling. that i'd be giving up something that i love and that there would be a sense of regret.

maybe that's just panic talking, maybe not. i really don't know.

so, for now, i'm sleeping on it. probably for more than just one night.

in decisions

so, i saw an interesting condo yesterday. it was, unexpectedly, filled with potential.

even though it was above my price limit, i suggested to my agent that we go see it. for me, it was more of an exploratory mission -- i wanted to see what the area was like and whether the building (or the neighbourhood) would be one in which i'd want to live. the unit itself was just the way in.

my agent initially resisted, saying that she'd been in that building before and that it was WAY too close to the highway. but when i google mapped the building, it didn't look as snug up against nine hundred lanes of traffic as the other buildings in the complex, so she agreed that we should go take a look.

and we were both very pleasantly surprised by what we found. the building was, as google promised, not right next to the highway -- i mean, it's close to the highway and you can certainly hear cars, but it's not noisy and, with the window closed, actually very quiet.

the unit is large -- more than 900 square feet -- with lots of big windows that let in a ton of natural light. it faces north, just like my apartment does now, and affords treetop views (albeit with a highway in the foreground). there's a full bath and a big powder room, which is cool. there's also a room off the living room and off the kitchen, with big windows, that would make a perfect office or dining room. if i used it as a dining room, my office would just go where the current residents have their dining table.

it *has* in-suite laundry, which is good, but it's a laundry closet with one of those two-in-one stacked/attached machines, which is less good. the washer capacity is fairly small (compared to a full-sized, stand-alone machine), and the two-in-one-ness means that, if either the washer or the dryer goes kaput, the whole unit is out of commission.

the kitchen needs some work -- there are two different types of countertop, presumably because the current owners decided to expand the kitchen and just bought a counter that was "close enough" the colour of what was already there. the floors also need some redoing -- there's ancient wall-to-wall in the bedroom that needs to go, and the laminate in the living/dining/den, while fine, would probably drive me mental over time.

all this to say, it's become a contender. i'm going back to see it again on friday, and mom and YB will be coming along to give me their opinions. for now, i'm weighing pros and cons:

PROS

* very large space
* lots of room for storage options, furniture
* powder room
* very nice, well-managed and well-built building with an older demographic (lots of seniors)
* pet-friendly
* air-conditioned
* lots of windows, lots of light
* nice view, north exposure
* within walking distance of a library, grocery store, shops and transit (bus stop right at the door)
* 20-minute walk to the subway
* right off the highway, so easy access for YB and mom + unit is closer to them than where i currently live
* office space
* in-suite laundry

CONS

* the unit is right next to the elevators (on one side) and the garbage chute (on the other)
* it would mean a longer commute to and from work/downtown/screenings by about 20-30 minutes, and walking to the office or downtown would no longer be an option (it would take more than two hours in each direction)
* the in-suite laundry is small
* it's priced too high right now (but the seller is "motivated" and the unit has been on the market for more than a month)
* floors and kitchen need work
* bathtub, which is very deep, has been retrofitted to make it wheelchair-accessible... so, no baths unless i buy a new tub

i could not be more on the fence. any suggestions or questions to help me pick a side are welcome!

an autumn day on the island

i didn't want to stay home today. i knew if i did, i'd spent all of it at my desk, surfing the 'net and waiting for my mortgage broker to reply to my emails. i knew it would be a waste of a beautiful day.

it was gorgeous out -- sunny, mild and screaming out for photos of fall colours -- so i hemmed, hawed and eventually decided to head to toronto island for the day. i'd gone for a walk there early last november and absolutely LOVED it, so i figured it was time for a return visit.

and today's trip was just as fabulous as last year's. for two and a half hours, i walked around. often, i was completely by myself, without anyone anywhere nearby or even within earshot. it was like i'd been dropped on a deserted island, so it was just me, my camera and whatever wildlife and nature was around.

thankfully, the wildlife and nature both delivered. it was actually quite warm, so there were plenty of gnats flying around. i was glad i'd put sunscreen on before leaving home.

it was exceedingly peaceful and relaxing. i didn't think about my home hunt or my mortgage broker or work or all the renovations happening in my apartment building that are driving me nuts or anything, really. i just walked and walked and walked, took a ton of photos, then sat for a while and just listened to the wind and the water.

it was a very good day.

here are a few more leftover shots from my jaunt:

i followed this ladybug along this curb.

i found my favourite swing and swung for a good long while.

the colours and reflections were amazing.

orange juice: 0 // questions: ∞

it's been a week (sorry), and i still haven't finished the coconut milk.

what i have done is get myself eye-deep in anxiety and worry about my home hunt and my mortgage pre-approval.

for a few days there, everything looked pretty sweet: i'd nixed the bed-bug broker, found one who was responsive and savvy, and was paving the way for a smooth(er) home-buying journey.

then things got a little rocky.

after handing off all my paperwork -- essentially, a bunch of personal data and my entire financial history (which is required by all brokers) -- my broker suddenly became a lot harder to reach. he secured me a pre-approval for way more than i will ever need or want, and then... crickets. i sent him a couple of emails at the end of last week and expected, based on his almost-immediate responses in the preceding week, speedy replies. but they didn't come.

my mind started to race: why was he so attentive before having all my info and then, once it was all in his hands, suddenly so elusive? i'm not exaggerating when i say all kinds of identity-theft fears ran through my brain.

i tried to snap myself out of the panic spiral. okay, i thought, it's the weekend. he'll get back to me first thing on monday. after all, he's the one who said he's usually up and working at 5am every day.

but, on monday morning, my inbox was empty. monday at noon? still empty. just before 2pm, i sent him a "hey, are my emails getting through? or are your replies just not reaching me?" email and he replied very quickly... that he would answer my questions shortly.

three hours later, he replied but hadn't answered all my questions. his "emails" are also frequently just extended text messages because he's tapping them on his blackberry.

he also said that he was now in arizona (where he has a vacation property). until the end of october. WTF? i was not impressed -- we'd just begun this fairly important financial relationship and he takes off for more than two weeks without letting me know? i had tons of questions about the pre-approval he'd secured, and whether he'd be approaching other lenders, and all kinds of things.

"what happens if i find a property while you're away?" i asked.

"i'm just an email away," he replied, assuring me that he could handle things remotely. (which is fair enough -- most brokers deal with their clients solely over the phone or via email.) so i replied, reiterating the questions and adding new ones... then i waited. and waited.

when he hadn't replied by wednesday (!) afternoon, i sent a follow-up email, asking the questions AGAIN. he replied yesterday (thursday) afternoon, again having only cherry-picked a few questions to answer and not answering all of them. i sent an immediate reply and am, once again, sitting here waiting for an answer.

it's becoming very frustrating. there are some mild inconsistencies in what he tells me, and i genuinely don't know if it's because he's forgetful (he seems that way) or sloppy, but neither are qualities i really want in someone who's going to be handling an investment of this size on my behalf. i want someone who's on top of things, who keeps me informed (without me having to ask) and, i think, who types in complete sentences and paragraphs. i don't know what his personal circumstances are, or if he had to fly out to arizona suddenly because his house burned down or became infested with scorpions -- i don't know. but i shouldn't have to chase down my broker and keep repeating myself to get the information i need.

i know that i am especially prone to needless worry, and that i tend to think the worst in the absence of information to the contrary, but my broker isn't doing anything to calm my fears or erase my concerns. and, given that he'll be away for another 10 days, i kind of think he should. i keep clinging to the fact that he came highly recommended by my editor, and that my editor had been referred to him by his accountant and his financial advisor. but that's starting to wane.

yesterday, i sent him an email suggesting that we set up a day/time to talk on the phone instead of sending emails back and forth. i'm hoping he replies this afternoon. if he doesn't, and if there isn't an email in my inbox by first thing monday morning, i'll take my business elsewhere.

five things i did today

1. went for a walk/hike through edwards gardens and wilket creek park to take photos (like the one above) of the (turns out: not-yet-in-full-splendor) fall colours.

2. browsed many condo listings on MLS in anticipation of mortgage news. (nothing of interest today.)

3. had ice cream and chips for lunch. (i'm not proud of it. just sharing.)

4. went for my semi-annual haircut after realizing i hadn't had it cut in six months. (i mistakenly believed i had it cut in may... then i checked my calendar and said, "d'oh!")

5. realized that i forgot, for the fifth day in a row, to pick up orange juice. (i refuse to make smoothies with water, and i'm running out of milk.)

and then... i wait

at 9am today, i met with my mortgage broker. i handed him copies of my entire financial portfolio, copies of my last three tax returns AND last three assessment notices, and a completed application authorizing him to check my credit and proceed with the mortgage pre-approval process. it was not without some trepidation and a faint whiff of panic. i am, after all, paranoid about identity theft, so this felt very much like handing my life over and hoping no one steals it out from under me.

he will now shop me around to various financial institutions to see what kind of mortgage i can get. after he reviewed all my paperwork this morning, he said, "you won't have *any* problem." i am financially very sound, and my credit rating is stellar (he emailed me a couple of hours after we met to tell me so).

he said he should have some information for me -- about lenders, amounts, rates and terms -- tomorrow or friday. after that, it's sitting down to figure out which one is the best package for me. the mortgage amount is important, sure, but so are the mortgage terms and conditions... so i won't just be choosing the bank that's willing to give me the most money. (in fact, i want a relatively small mortgage because i know what i can very easily afford.)

so. standing by.

what we saw

this is the floor plan for one of the two units we saw today.

it's affordable and huge (~950 square feet... which is huge for a one-bedroom condo in toronto!).

all those windows face south. (it has air conditioning, btw.) look at the size of that laundry room!

but it's RIGHT over the main entrance of the building. it's been on the market since june.

and the building is, as i mentioned below, in the middle of nowhere.

which is why it's so affordable.

and why it's not selling.

and then, some open housing...

just got home from two open houses (well, open condos) with mom and YB, who came along for second opinions. honestly, i had ZERO interest in living in these condos, both of which were in the same complex, before we went -- i was just going to see them because doing so would make me feel like i was being proactive in my home hunting. so, you know, why not?

thing is, i unexpectedly REALLY liked the building -- large units at affordable prices, an older demographic as far as my fellow residents are concerned, in-suite laundry *rooms* in every condo, heat pumps.

but the building is in the middle of NOWHERE. i mean, it's a nice nowhere -- sort of an industrial park with beautiful landscaping and lots of corporate-HQ buildings... but a long, long, long, long, long walk to anything. and the only "anything" around is a big grocery store -- no libraries, parks, banks, shops or the like. it's definitely not a residential 'hood.

so. that was interesting.

the week that was

oh, hello. where have i been for the past week, you ask? i have been up to my eyeballs in home-ownership research.

my casual toe-dipping into the real-estate market has become a more serious step over the past week... largely because i realized i'd gone far enough to the process that changing my mind, turning back and saying, "know what? i'll just stay where i am for another year!" was no longer a viable option.

my real-estate agent and i went to see another property -- a gorgeous, spacious condo in an undesirable neighbourhood, and with an asking price out of my range. it taught me that i care more about location than i do about nine-foot ceilings and a heat pump. it also taught me what a heat pump is, because i really didn't know. it's basically a mini furnace, and having one means you don't share vents and ductwork with your neighbours... an important selling point for me, mainly because it reduces the likelihood that i'll be living with a bed-bug highway connecting me with all the people living around me. but the building, while well-built and nicely soundproof, had helltown on one side, and a giant hydro field on the other, so it was not at all appealing to me.

nevermind that, on our way out, we passed a woman on her balcony who was SCREAMING into her cell phone and swearing up a storm. it reminded me so much of the psycho who used to live at the end of my hall and left me with a decidedly unpleasant taste in my mouth about the whole place. soundproof walls or not, i don't want loud, screamy neighbours.

over the course of the past week, i also did a LOT of mortgage homework. i compared rates, called around to inquire about my eligibility and what lenders thought i might be able to secure. i had a meeting set up with a broker my real-estate agent had suggested, but i never really got a great feeling from her. something was just... off. we didn't click. she was fairly humourless. i mean, she knew her stuff, but i just didn't see us having a great relationship. and, when it comes to choosing the person who's going to oversee a HUUUUUUGE chunk of my finances, i want it to be someone with whom i'm comfortable and in whom i have great confidence. she wasn't that person.

nonetheless, i felt i should meet her. our meeting was scheduled for yesterday at 11am. but when she sent me her office address on thursday morning, i realized it was, in fact, a condo unit downtown. hmmm. i knew the address, knew that it was residential and not commercial, and felt like i should check the bedbug registry before heading there.

sure enough, the building had bed bugs back in 2009. in fact, per the reports, a "terrible bed bug problem." ON HER FLOOR. no other floor was cited -- just the one on which this mortgage broker had her "office." no. no no no no no. my stomach sank. i knew there would be NO WAY i'd be able to focus on anything she'd tell me at a meeting there because i'd be completely paranoid about whether there were bed bugs in her office, or in the upholstery, or crawling into my bag if i set it on the floor. sure, the infestation was three years ago... but that didn't matter to me.

so, i cancelled the meeting and said i'd decided to go with another broker.

which i did. and i'm very happy with the guy who'll be handling my affairs. my editor had recommended him highly, so we met for coffee yesterday. he was super-informative and knowledgable and, best of all, didn't push. he gave me a bunch of information, we chatted about how much i was looking to spend and where i was thinking of buying, and then he handed me some forms.

"there's no rush," he said. "you can fill these out and send them back to me whenever you're ready. and, if you decide to talk to some other people and go with someone else, no problem."

this was in stark contrast to my experience with a large, well-known brokerage firm earlier in the week...

i'd called the company and a very friendly woman answered the phone. i said had some questions about mortgages and she was happy to answer them. we chatted about real estate and she was just about to set up a time for me to come to her office for a formal meeting when she said, "so, how did you hear about us?"

i told her YB has her mortgage with them (which is true) and she asked if i knew the name of the broker who'd arranged trix's mortgage. i said no, but that i knew he didn't work there anymore (also true). she looked up YB in the system and said, "oh! her broker was mr. X! he's actually still here. i'll put you through to him."

wait. what?

i said "whoa! whoa! whoa!" and asked why i was being handed off to someone else when i'd just established this nice rapport with the person to whom i'd already been speaking for several minutes. she explained that the company has some kind of policy whereby friends and family are handled by the same broker. WTF? she assured me that mr. X was "a great guy" and that i'd be very happy with him. so, she put me through.

mr. X was friendly and jovial, but clearly a salesman. i said YB had been very pleased with the mortgage he'd secured for her, so i was curious about what i might get. he asked me some basic questions and then asked for my email address. he said he would send me an application to fill out and that we could then get the pre-approval process underway.

"hang on," i said, stopping him. "i'm not ready to apply for anything yet. i'm just doing my homework for now."

he backed off, said that was no problem, gave me his number and said i could call him directly when i was ready to move forward.

as soon as i got off the phone, i emailed YB to tell her what had happened. she emailed back right away and said, "uh, my mortgage broker was NOT mr. X. it was mr. Y, and he left the company a few years ago. i know because i got a letter informing me that i could contact ms. W about my mortgage, because she would be taking over my file." and, i suppose, ms. W must have also left the company because now mr. X was the default broker.

i was peeved. both people to whom i'd spoken at the brokerage totally skipped over the fact that mr. X had absolutely NOTHING to do with YB's mortgage. she's never even spoken to him. yet they were willing to hand me off to him as though he and trix had a longstanding business relationship. it put me off the company. nevermind that he wanted me to apply right away, before even meeting him. (i know plenty of people are fine doing it that way, but i'm not -- i want to meet my broker face to face.)

anyway, the broker with whom i'm now working was not like that. he wanted to make sure i understood every step of the process, and to move forward whenever i'm ready.

and, that readiness has fluctuated this week, as well. i've had more than a few moments of "OMG, what the hell am i doing?!" panic, and a sense of dread about launching a process that i can't really stop. it has nothing to do with money (i'm fine there), but about feelings and fear. during one particularly anxiety-ridden spell, i also had the ominous thought that whatever i buy will probably be where i'm living when my parents die. that did not help the hamster of doom hop off his wheel of terror in my brain, i tell you.

i had a discussion with my therapist about these conflicting feelings, and why these waves of fear wash over me so regularly. and i realized, as we talked, that buying a home is a step into my future... and, because i view that future with a fair amount of anticipatory worry, it feels like stepping toward something negative. something sad. something dark. i mean, i've never ever thought anything like "the place i buy will be where i'm living when i meet the love of my life!" or "the place i buy will be where i'm living when i make my first million!", it's always been the opposite. that it'll be the place where i'm living when i get older, when my parents get older, when they die, when i might get very sick, when trixie might get very sick, when bad things will happen... and so on. and, when i'm in my apartment at night, sitting on big red, wondering about all of this, it can feel quite overwhelming.

so, in addition to figuring out mortgages and seeing properties, i need to figure out how to change that tune so it feels like i'm stepping towards great, magical things instead.