4 more days

i have four more days of work and then i'm off for a whole week. FOUR MORE DAYS! i can't begin to express how excited i am that, in a week, i'll be able to exhale. i'll be able to spend my days not sitting at a desk for 12 hours. i won't have to answer emails from clients, won't have to track freelancer invoices, won't have to go to meeting after meeting.

in a week, i'll be able to blog (!) freely. and i'll be able to go to movies, meet friends for mid-afternoon snacks, take a shower at 1pm if i so choose, go for big walks, take photos and generally catch up on life for a while.

work has been a slog. i've given up trying to get through to anyone about the slack editor of the tech magazine. if all goes as planned, he'll be moved to another magazine in the next little while, and they'll hire a new editor who'll (hopefully) actually want to work.

but that's enough about work. YB has an excellent policy that i'm going to try to adopt: don't talk about work when you're not at work. her job is as stressful as mine, and she – like me – has piles of work and tons of responsibility. but, a while back, she realized that even talking about her job raised her stress levels... and she wanted her time away from the office to be stress-free. so, no more work talk on the weekends or in the evenings. she actually stopped me last weekend when i started to get riled up about my work situation. "don't talk about it," she said. "it's just going to make you upset." and she was right.

in other news, i did a lot of reading on white noise last night. the girls living upstairs have been particularly thumpy this past week, and i'm not sleeping well. so, i did what anyone would do when desperately seeking possible remedies: i hopped online. and i learned that white noise (or, more to the point, "pink" noise, which is gentler than true white noise) can be a life-saver when it comes to sound sleep. you can read about the science/benefits here.

anyway, after researching umpteen white-noise machines, i came upon an interesting tip online: instead of buying a machine, just tune your clock radio (or any radio) between stations for that audio "snow," and voila! white noise. sadly, my clock radio just has dead silence between stations – no snow – so that was a bust.

but then i remembered: the TV in my bedroom only goes up to channel 41. beyond that, it doesn't pick up stations, just snow. this could work, thought i.

and you know what? IT DID.

when i went to bed, i popped in my ear plugs (as i do every night, and as i've done ever since i moved into hell house 14 years ago), turned on my TV, flipped to a "dead" station and draped a T-shirt over the screen to eliminate the glow. i pulled out an ear plug to make sure the white noise wasn't deafening (and wouldn't wake my neighbours) and it was perfect. loud enough that i could hear the hissssss through my earplugs, but low enough that it wouldn't disturb anyone else.

and, for the most part, it worked really well. i'd made the mistake of having juice earlier in the evening, so i had to get up to pee a few times in the night, but i swear that white noise made it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep, otherwise. i'm going to try it again tonight.

today, i've got some writing to do for the entertainment magazine. then, just after noon, i'll meet up with ericanddan for some eating and wandering and maybe a movie. the skies have darkened outside, and the forecast is for rain later, so sitting in a (dry) theatre sounds like not a bad idea.

holy crapballs

found this in bew-falo during our road trip in june.

i can't believe it's been more than a week since i last blogged. and, even then, my last entry was a video clip.

there isn't much to report beyond being totally buried at work. i didn't leave the office before 7pm any night this past week. my boss keeps saying, "why don't you just leave on time and do that tomorrow?"

and i keep explaining to him that the amount of work that needs to be done cannot be completed in a seven-hour workday. it could if the editor of the magazine actually, you know, pitched in.

but he continues to slack off. we had an "emergency preparedness" meeting on friday to figure out how stuff will get done during the week i'm off for TIFF. the powers that be seem to think the delinquent editor will, with some help, get it all taken care of.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

this should be good. i don't think any of them have really grasped the sheer volume of the stuff i do... but i suspect they'll have a pretty good idea of it during those five vickie-less days.

speaking of being off, today i finally went through the TIFF film list to make my selections. i'll find out on wednesday how many of those films i'll actually be seeing. i've been given a decent order window, so it should be fine.

in other news, ericanddan are coming to toronto next weekend, so i am very much looking forward to a few days of photo-taking, video-making and general silliness. i just have to get through the upcoming week first.

in the meantime, my grocery shopping is done and, shortly, i will shower and change into my pyjamas to be ready for Big Brother, and a slice of raspberry coffee cake, at 8pm.

i have one episode left to watch...

... of the most amazing series i have seen in a while.

well, that was a good day!

* i talked to my boss about what happens after the film festival. he told me how happy they am that i've stepped into my role, and agreed that my fee should be upped again (probably another $2/hour or so) based on the amount of work i'm doing. i was able to dictate vacation time -- off between christmas and new year's, for hot docs, for florida and any other time i wish -- so i agreed to continue as managing editor until at least december.

* we're in a bit of a lull, work-wise, so i was able to leave on time today. i also had time to catch up with friends in the office, walk to whole foods for lunch and, best of all, WRITE. (today's assignment: five reasons you need to be watching Homeland.) though it's technically part of my job, the luxury of actually just sitting down and writing something fun during the work day is a rare thing.

* last friday, my chiropractor taped a vaccaria seed in my left ear. it's an acupuncture treatment that uses a small seed in lieu of a needle. its purpose is to stimulate an accupressure point when i press it, and that accupressure point helps relieve stress. she'd tried it in my right ear a week and a half ago, but it didn't really do much. but, ever since friday, i've felt a bit more relaxed. i've been sleeping better. whether it's a coincidence, psychosomatic or legitimately working -- who knows? but i'm happy with the result.

* the new IKEA catalogue arrived last night and, because i'm home "early" tonight, i plan on savouring it over snacks and before i continue watching Orange is the New Black, which i started last night.

i forgot my camera

no joke.

after all my plans to enjoy a relaxing weekend of photo-taking, i forgot my camera at home. i was en route to my parents' place in the 'burbs by the time i remembered. argh!

instead, YB and i had to try to teach our father how to use his new camera -- an expensive nikon with a telephoto lens (all purchased as part of a package) that is, to be honest, way too sophisticated a camera for him to use or understand. despite the fact that he never goes more than 20 feet from his recliner and spends every single day at home, indoors, he decided that, since i bought my rebel a couple of years ago, he, too, wanted a fancy new camera.

to take photos of what? george? the living room? his breakfast? it has been an ongoing source of contention -- largely because he kept browsing online for pricy, fancy cameras that will be, in the end, a colossal waste of money. nevermind that he bought a digital point-and-shoot several years ago that has essentially become an untouched paperweight with a scarcely populated memory card of photos he has no idea how to download.

so it was that, while YB and mom were away for a few days, he decided to go online and buy himself a  nikon 5200. with a telephoto lens. $1000 plus tax. my mother was so upset that she said she doesn't want to know or hear anything more about the camera. and, as predicted, dad has no clue how to use it.

he called me on tuesday and asked if i would come to teach him this past saturday. first, i had to get past the fact that he went ahead and bought this camera. i asked him why he bought such a camera when he doesn't use the one he has. i asked him what, exactly, he planned to take photos of when he doesn't actually go anywhere. and, most importantly, why he wasn't spending the week with the camera in hand and manual in his lap, reading and learning. the sum of his answers amounted to: if i want to buy a camera, i'm going to buy a camera, and if you don't want to help me, then don't help me.

*sigh*

i told him i would come, but that, in the meantime, he was to spend the week practicing. "don't just leave the camera sitting in the box until saturday," i said. "take it out, try out the buttons, get the manual and practice." he muttered that he already tried and felt that he'd done all he could do, but that he still couldn't even turn it on. i pointed out that maybe, if you can't even figure out how to turn on a device, it might mean that device is too sophisticated for you. he argued that he just needed someone to show him how to do it.

when i arrived at my parents' place on saturday, mom was away on a day trip to niagara and a peach festival. (side note: she had a lovely time.) YB was seated at the dining-room table with dad, the camera and all its accessories spread out before them. i could tell by the tone in her voice that she was likely on the fifth explanation of the exact same button. "no, we went over this," i could hear her saying. "you don't need that button."

i sat down and we tried to explain the camera... no easy feat when you've got a fancy digital display with eight thousand readings. "what does THIS do?" dad kept saying, pointing at different buttons. we would explain, he would nod ("right, okay, okay..."), and then ask again two minutes later.

and we kept showing him the big diagram of the camera and all its buttons, right at the front of the manual. "when you see a button," trixie would say slowly. "you turn to this page and you find the button on the picture. then you go to the corresponding number in the list to see what that button is. then you turn to the page beside the description to see how to use that button."

i swear, between the two of us, we must have said that to him at least a dozen times. and we were only explaining the auto functions, not any of the manual settings, buttons or features.

dad wanted to go through every page of the manual and read each one as a group. trix and i explained that a manual is not a novel, and one doesn't need to read it cover to cover, in page order. "you use it when you need to know something," YB said. besides, there was no way either one of us wanted to spend the next eight hours reading aloud.

we eventually finished after about an hour and a half. dad packed his camera into its accompanying, part-of-the-package camera bag (after YB cut off the tags and attached the strap, and i attached the camera strap to the camera), and then put it aside. i reminded him that he shouldn't be putting it away, but that he should now be putting into practice all the things we'd just taught him.

instead, he went to take a nap.

and that camera stayed in the bag for most of the weekend. he took it out momentarily to try to take a photo of "kyle's rose" in the backyard (a rose with which he is completely obsessed, btw). then he told YB and me we should use the camera to take shots of george.

"no, YOU should be using the camera," i said, my comments falling on deaf ears for the umpteenth time.

years ago, when we were growing up, dad was the family photographer. he had several cameras, multiple lenses, flashes, a tripod, the whole deal. but all his gear was more about having stuff than actually enhancing the art of photography. (note: all those film cameras are still sitting in his closet.) he doesn't follow the "less is more" approach; for him, more gear = better photos... but i've argued repeatedly that a good photographer can take amazing shots with the crappiest of cameras. you don't need a thousand accessories (especially not for the purpose of snapping four pictures of the cat or a flower in the backyard), you just need a good eye.

but, again, i'd have better luck having that conversation with my microwave or a bus-stop pole.

because, yesterday afternoon, i saw him browsing lenses online.

when, my blood pressure rising, i asked why, he started to explain that he'd heard the blah-blah-blah lens was great for... and i cut him off. i told him he should learn to use the gear he JUST bought first, and then actually USE it, before buying MORE stuff that will just sit and collect dust.

but i fully expect that stupid lens to be in his hands within a couple of weeks, and to get a call asking when i can come over to teach him how to use it.

i'm taking out my camera this weekend

all week, i've been looking forward to the weekend as a chance to de-stress.

between the new stompy neighbours, the leaky bathroom, the wait for a plumber and the ever-present job-related demands, i am mentally and physically wiped.

and, just now, i realized how i can remedy that: taking some photos!

so, that's on the agenda. not sure when, where or of what, but there you have it.

i also have eight pilot episodes for new fall shows, which i plan to watch.

and YB and i will likely resume our swimming on sunday morning. we were both under the weather last weekend and, thus, did not go.

maybe this will help...

my therapist has been out of commission since about last november and, while things have been pretty okay in the interim, the changes in my life over the past couple of months have really amplified for me how much i still need that impartial ear and guidance.

because sitting in my apartment, with my mind racing and my anxiety levels climbing, is becoming increasingly uncool.

as everyone on the planet knows, work has been stressful. a huge amount of work, a huge amount of responsibility, and no signs of any of it letting up anytime soon. my brain is fried, i'm tired all the time and my life revolves almost entirely around the office. even as i drift off to sleep, i'm thinking about what needs to be done the next morning, what didn't get finished in the day that's ended, and how much longer i want to stay on in this role.

my only solace has been coming home at the end of each day to the comparative peace and quiet of my apartment... peace and quiet that have now been thwarted by the arrival of new upstairs neighbours.

last friday, on my way out of the building in the morning, i saw the super. i asked if anyone had yet rented the unit above mine and she said, "yes. they move in today."

my heart sank. "they?"

(if you recall, the property-management company decided to turn the one-bedroom apartment above mine into a two-bedroom unit. the second "bedroom," which is actually a shoebox, is above my office/living room. the management did this so that they could double the rent for the unit.)

the super said that my new neighbours are two girls -- students at the university of toronto.

"oh no," said i.

"they're high-class girls," said the super, in a bid (i think) to reassure me. though, i have no idea what "high-class girls" means.

"i'm not worried about that," i said, "i'm worried about noise."

my super said that she's already told the girls this is a "quiet, professional building" and that they should "keep it down." i did not feel any sense of reassurance that this would actually work.

university students have spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e almost everywhere i've encountered them as neighbours. back at hell house, before all the ex-cons and crack addicts moved in, my across-the-hall neighbours were, for a while, a young brother and sister who were students and living away from home for the first time. recurrent DEAFENING music, friends coming and going at all hours of the day and night, parties... all despite repeated warnings from, and being yelled at by, the super. good times. in this building, i had the asshat next door for a while -- he of the 3am hammering! -- and more than a few elsewhere in the complex, who trashed their places, had loud parties and the like.

and let us not forget the big house next door to my building, where most of its four or five apartments have been inhabited by assorted university of toronto asshats and loud, obnoxious drunk girls for most of the six years i've lived here.

my previous super would never have put two students above me. but the new property management company (and, by proxy, the new super) would love it if my apartment were to be vacated so they can transform it to a two-bedroom, as well, and likewise jack up the rent. as such, they don't care if a herd of buffalo move in above me -- if it means i move out sooner, great!

so, ever since my previous upstairs neighbour (who was very quiet and who i only ever heard on occasion, usually when she'd clickclickclick her way to her front door in the morning to leave for work in her heels) moved out, i have lived in fear of who might take up residence upstairs. i'd prayed it would be a quiet, middle-aged woman who'd live alone and use the extra bedroom as her office. or a family of pillows.

instead, it's two university girls.

and, on friday, they moved in.

saturday was, understandably, a little noisy... but surprisingly quiet. almost as though they'd moved stuff in on friday and then went away for the weekend. i wasn't home all day yesterday and spent last night chez mes parents so, when i came home in the middle of the afternoon today, i actually ran into one of the girls in the elevator and, for the first time, got a look at what i'll be dealing with.

she was petite, maybe 5'1", and looked like a teenager. not especially "high-class," just very young. when we got on the elevator and she pressed the floor above mine, i said, "are you new in the building?"

she said she'd moved in two days ago, and i asked which unit. then i told her i was her downstairs neighbour. "oh! did you just move in, too?" she asked.

"no, i've lived here for almost seven years."

we didn't have a lot of time to chat (we weren't going up that many floors), but i introduced myself and she told me her name is cara. i got off the elevator and, as i walked to my door, i could hear her in the (carpeted!) hallway overhead, clomping to her front door above mine. the floors are cement under that carpet, btw.

that was around 3:30pm, and she and her roommate (or just her by herself?) have been thudding back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for the past six hours. they've been moving furniture, opening and closing doors, moving furniture again and, from the sounds of it, bouncing a giant yoga ball to and fro (i have no idea if that last on is what they've been doing, but it's what it SOUNDS like they've been doing).

and all it's done is send my anxiety through the roof. what if they're like all the other university students i've lived near? what if they throw a loud party? what if they keep on thudding day after day and night after night? the more i thought about it, the more panicked i felt. i started searching rental apartments in toronto. i started looking for rental houses, reasoning that i clearly can't cope with the stress of neighbours. i started recalculating down payments and mortgage payments and the like, trying to figure out what i can afford now should i choose to buy. i even started to figure out how i might manage moving in with YB if i had to.

and so on and so on and so on. i wound myself up so tightly that i didn't finish any of the work i needed to get done today. i didn't have dinner until 8 o'clock and, even then, it was a toasted baguette with butter and some juice. i keep trying to talk myself down off the anxiety ledge, because i know my mind is catastrophizing everything. my hell house PTSD is flaring up -- as it did when my first super left, and then when the building was sold, and then when they announced a condo building might be going up next door, and then when my second super left.

and i keep telling myself that, when each of those things happened, i felt the same sort of jittery panic i feel now but that, in each of those instances, my fears were somewhat unfounded. only the change in management has proven to be an ongoing challenge, but that's largely because of the non-stop construction noise in the building.

now, its choice of tenants. and, this time, the anxiety is triggered by the constant thudding and the fear of what else might come with it.

this is exactly the type of stuff i'd be going over in depth with my therapist, but she's not back for another month. and i don't want to work myself into a frenzy (or any more of a frenzy, anyway) in the meantime.

i thought maybe typing this all out in a stream of semi-consciousness way might be helpful. i put headphones on and have been listening to music... but i can still hear/feel the thudding.

and now, i think there's a leak in their bathroom/shower. the wall above my showerhead has suddenly (as in: within the last two days) started to blister, and i can hear a "drip drip" behind the wall.

f-word.