oh look! a MONTH has passed!

good grief. i knew i'd been lax in blogging, but i hadn't realized HOW lax until just now.

it doesn't feel like a whole month has passed, but it has. adjusting to not working full-time has been a challenge. because i don't really have a title anymore, or a set schedule, and because there's no clear job description, i feel a bit out of sorts. unfocused. directionless.

back in june, i thought i'd want – and need – to be in the office as much as possible once my mat-leave gig was over, but i quickly realized i was wrong. as time went on, i felt more and more like an interloper – someone uninvited, who was lingering at the party too long. my friends at work were often busy, or growing distant, so the social aspect of being in the office was also evaporating. i was out of sight and, quickly, out of mind for many. for now, i no longer feel like i belong there.

for the past month, maybe a little longer, i've also just been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything. i'm getting all my work done, that's no problem, but actually getting other stuff done – or even wanting to get it done – not so much.

i haven't updated this blog in a month, despite my thought (in my last entry) that i'd actually start a third blog filled with essays. i haven't updated the photo blog in a few weeks, either, because i started to question why i was bothering with it. i forgot my camera at home for a couple of days and, presto, the posting chain was broken. i still want to keep it going, but i don't feel driven to ensure i'm keeping it up.

i thought about volunteering to fill some of the hours in my days, but i have yet to actually pick up the phone or send an email or even investigate opportunities properly.

work on the condo has kind of slowed to a crawl. there seems like so much left to do, and i've just lost the energy or desire to do more of it right now. i find myself saying, "it's fine for now" a lot, even though i know i need to keep it moving or it'll wind up "fine" for years. i did, however, book the handyman for next week, so that the toilets can be replaced and the master bathroom repaired. maybe that'll spark a second wind.

even TIFF felt strangely underwhelming this year. the movies were great, and i enjoyed myself, but i didn't finish the festival feeling inspired or creatively rejuvenated.

when i went to see my therapist this week, i relayed all of the above to her. i'm a little worried about the "bleh-ness" i'm feeling because i don't want it to grow. the natural progression of this familiar feeling is me subsequently becoming more and more critical of myself and my life -- why am i directionless? why am i not better at getting things done? why am i alone? and so on. good times!

my therapist stressed that this is still part of the transition period, and that it will likely take me a while to settle into a new routine. she also suggested i pay attention to how i'm feeling for the next couple of months, in order to assess whether what i'm feeling now is just a product of the transition (and will pass), or a sign that what i really need is a regular job, with a title and responsibilities and structure (if it doesn't pass). she also recommended i be patient with myself, and not so hard on myself. to step back and acknowledge that i'm in this weird place, but not to dwell on it or somehow turn in on myself.

after all, she pointed out, it did take me a long while to get used to being in the office full-time, and to adjust to the routine, so it might take me a while to get used to not being there.

in the meantime, she's advised me to seek fulfilling distraction, so that i have less time to think (and reflect and obsess and fall into a negativity spiral) and so that i'm occupied with something that makes me feel good and somehow helps others. hence the pondering of volunteering.

no idea what shape that will take yet, but i'm hoping to have made some kind of progress, on something, by the next time i post.

which will be sooner rather than later. no more one-month breaks!