gut feelings

ugh, my tummy hurts.

well, not so much my tummy as my intestines. crampy, stabby pain, off and on. and it's been going on for about a week.

this is a flare up of IBS, something that hadn't really bothered me much over the past two years or so. before that, and for about three or four years straight (i lost count), i'd have frequent recurrent bouts of this intense abdominal pain. nothing else, just pain. sometimes so severe that i'd have to leave the office to come home. i still vividly remember trying to sit through a screening of Spotlight at a movie theatre while dealing with severe cramps, not wanting to leave because i was there with a friend.

no matter what i did during those years -- changing my diet, getting more/less exercise, taking fibre, not taking fibre, using digestive enzymes, taking peppermint capsules, chewing on fennel seeds, drinking gallons of water, trying every herbal tea/remedy out there, whatever -- nothing helped. the more i focused on the pain, the worse it got. at least once a month i'd wind up doubled over with gut pain that would last anywhere from two days to more than a week. then, magically and very suddenly, it would just... completely disappear... and i'd be totally, 100% fine for a few weeks before it returned.

[fun fact: there was a period of several months several years ago, during the flare-iest of flare-up times, when the pain would hit every day between 3 and 4pm, for no discernible reason. no matter what i did, what/when i ate, the pain showed up like clockwork. not even the gastroenterologist could explain any physical reason for that weird schedule!]

i had multiple tests, including a colonoscopy, to check for any abnormalities that might be causing the pain, but everything came back normal. through a process of elimination, the culprit was determined to be stress + hormonal changes... which, in turn, were causing my digestive system to malfunction.

once my stress levels came down, and i started taking an IBS-targeted probiotic, things improved significantly. i also started eating a lot more protein. i began paying closer attention to what i was consuming and when, and made sure to ease up on anything potentially problematic (like a giant burrito) if it felt like my insides were getting a teeny bit squirrelly or if it was getting near period time. and everything simmered down.

unfortunately, this past week, it's all come back. i'm on about day seven of this flare up and am ready for it to be over. some days, the pain has crept in by mid-morning; other days, it hasn't showed up until that "magical" 3pm hour, sneaking in with a swift kick to the midsection as the afternoon winds down.

i figure it has to do with all the COVID-19 upheaval, the change to my routine, the isolation and the overall uncertainty of the future. and, looking back, i'd probably loosened up on my dietary vigilance in the preceding months, which likely didn't help matters. i'd also been eating way less protein for the past six weeks or so, because sunday dinners chez my parents -- at which we'd typically have some sort of chicken dish and i'd take leftovers home -- haven't happened. and, as documented in an earlier blog post, my hormones have been all over the map. most of the key ingredients for a flare-up = done!

the weird thing is: while i'd definitely been feeling a bit anxious over the past few weeks, i wasn't feeling as stressed or tired as i was back in the dark days of the years-long flare-ups.

blerg. fingers crossed it's over shortly. the flare-ups, even at their worst (and there were some BAD times several years ago), have never lasted more than eight or nine days, so i should be done shortly. it's been a reminder that i need to pay better attention to where my mind and body are; to tweak my diet a bit (more protein, fewer cookies!); to keep myself pleasantly distracted; and to work on getting my stress/anxiety -- even if it's subconscious -- dialled down a touch.

to sleep, perchance to... write?

despite everything, i've been sleeping really well the past few nights. i've always had good "sleep hygiene" – i'm pretty diligent about my bedtime (10pm) and my wake-up time (usually 6:15am, without an an alarm), i keep my bedroom cool, i don't use my iPad after 8pm, i don't have much caffeine, etc. – and usually only have poor sleep due to excess hormonal changes or stress. and ever since i started taking L-theanine for the latter, i've also slept more soundly and deeply.

so, it's been a pleasant and somewhat unexpected surprise that the overall chaos of the world at the moment hasn't adversely impacted my sleepy sleeps. or at least not yet, KNOCK ON WOOD. (note: "sleepy sleeps" is what i say to gracie when i want her to go to sleep. "it's time for sleepy sleeps... did you have good sleepy sleeps?... etc.," said in a sing-songy voice.) ANYWAY...

for the past three or four nights, i've slept especially well. i suspect it has to do with the exercise i've been getting: 75- to 80-minute walks, often at what i call a "power walk" pace, along mostly empty sidewalks, paths, roads and the like. it's been sunny and dry most days this past week, so i've been getting out almost every day for these walks, and i think it's been good for my brain and my body.

and two nights ago, as i was drifting off to sleep, i mentally composed this really great (or, "really great" as far as my almost-asleep mind was concerned, anyway) paragraph. or poem. not sure what it was. but i told myself i would FOR SURE remember it in the morning because it was too good not to remember.

yeah. well.

here's what i remember: whatever it was was poetic and imagery-driven. it had to do with isolation in this perilous time, and how wonderful it will feel when we can all be physically close again. stand together again. celebrate again. touch again. hug again. and the last line of whatever it was contained the phrase "defibrillator for the soul."

in hindsight, i wish i'd gotten up and written down whatever was swirling in my head. though, in the cold light of day, it might have revealed itself a tetch less amazing in reality than it did as a notion in that dopey, dreamy haze.

the numbers

these days, a lot of people are on edge. nervous. anxious. panicked. and although i try to maintain an even(ish) keel as best i can, my anxiety can creep in quite easily if left unchecked.

so, lately, in those moments where i feel myself starting to spiral into a fear vortex, i've found it helpful to look at the numbers. the facts. not what i think might happen or worry could happen, but the numbers and the facts.

and when i say "numbers," i don't mean the omnipresent COVID-19 case- and death-count tickers tucked on many a website and cable-news channel of late, but other numbers that help put those ticker tallies into a more mentally manageable context.

right now, every news broadcast begins with the latest info on how many more people have been found to be infected with COVID-19; how many more people died; and how many cases were discovered in a given city, province, state, country, continent or the world at large.

and seeing those numbers go up every day, often every hour, can feel very very scary.

imagine if they did that with heart-disease statistics every day -- tracking the numbers, leading with updates every night on the six o'clock news.

per the CDC, one person in the U.S. dies EVERY 37 SECONDS from heart disease. that's more than one death per minute! more than 647,000 americans die every year from heart disease -- that works out to more than 1700 people (!) PER DAY. so far, even the worst-hit countries, such as italy, haven't had COVID-19 numbers that bad. (and, per an NIH study, 99% of italians who died from COVID-19 had underlying health issues.)

so, why aren't the heart-disease stats newsworthy? why isn't everyone freaking out at those numbers?

because it's hard to sensationalize heart disease. it's not contagious, it doesn't spread from person to person, and it's familiar. it's much easier to be scared of the unknown (COVID-19) than the known.

putting numbers into perspective has helped calm me down in moments of distress.

more numbers that help? populations.

when you hear the latest update on the number of COVID cases in the world, you may do a spit-take. it sounds horrifying, and -- don't get me wrong -- it is. but when you realize the population of the world is more than 7.5 BILLION people, and we'd need to get to 75 million cases to hit 1% of that population, it can help add some context.

yes, 450,000 cases worldwide is a lot, but it's also 0.00006% of the global population. the numbers will grow and grow, to be sure, but reaching that 1%-of-the-population number (75 million) won't suddenly happen tomorrow. or this week.

or maybe ever.

the population of the U.S. is 331 million and change; you'd need to get to more than 3 million cases to hit 1%. at the moment, just under over 60,000 cases (0.0002%).

and there are more than 37 million canadians, which means we'll be at 1% when the case # rises to 370,000. right now, we're at just under 3,000 (0.00008%).

yes, it's certainly possible to hit those 1% numbers, but it's also possible that, with all the awareness and education and social-distancing protocols, we might also be able to prevent ourselves from getting there.

focusing on that has also helped settle my swirling brain.

because the other thing that's important to remember is that no one knows where this will go, or what the final numbers will be. there are projections and predictions, sure, but the true end result could be better. or it could be worse.

as mentioned, the fact that so many people around the world have sprung into action is a great sign, IMO. scientists, researchers and medical professionals are all on the case in numerous countries, testing drugs, developing treatments, working on vaccines. ordinary citizens are practicing social distancing, new protocols have been put in place across the globe and awareness is a top priority for almost everyone almost everywhere.

all of those things HAVE to be making a difference. they have to be helping.

it just doesn't feel like it yet because it's still too early -- we only just started this last week, and the new cases being recorded (and splashed across tickers) this week are people who would have been infected two or three weeks ago.

are people still being actively infected at similar rates today? how many people contracted (not "were diagnosed with") the virus today? how many new cases will pop up two or three weeks from now? too soon to tell.

we'll know in a couple of weeks when we see what effect it's all had on the curve. we'll be able to see how much our social distancing has helped. and, for now, i'm hopeful that we'll see positive results -- and reassuring numbers.

looking ahead to hindsight

during this current global turmoil, i keep wondering how we'll all look back on this time five years from now. or ten years. or 50 years. what will we think of the year 2020, when toilet paper became more precious than diamonds and everyone scattered to the four winds?

will we look back and think, "wow. thank goodness we did what we did. and look at us now!"?

will we say, "oops. we destroyed ourselves economically to help ourselves medically"?

what will the take-aways be?

what will the long-term fallout/benefits be?

how long will it be before everything returns to normal? or even normal-ish?

and will we be better prepared for the next pandemic?

will new technologies, therapies, protocols and treatments be developed, or will we still be scrambling for proverbial band-aids when a crisis emerges, and reacting instead of responding?

even in the not-too-distant future -- say, by christmas -- how will our lives have changed?

i know it's not particularly healthy to focus on the unknown, especially if you're already anxious, but i'm trying to do so with a bit of optimism. the world could be careening to hell in a handbasket right now, but i'm hopeful our current predicament might lead to positive change worldwide.

in the meantime, it's sunny and crisp out today. so i'll probably go for a long walk.

what a difference a week (or so) makes -- an amendment

much like everyone else on the planet, i've been a bit preoccupied of late. literally 24 hours after my henny-penny rant -- which i've actually reverted to draft mode because i've revised my thinking, and some of what i wrote has since needed correcting -- the world turned upside down. and i suspect it won't right itself for a while.

COVID-19 has taken over, well, everything. almost every facet of life as we know it has changed, or will change shortly, and news coverage has been unprecedented.

i still think people are panicking, and needlessly hoarding when they should be SHARING. i still think the the executives who own the media outlets are loving this pandemic to some extent because it means everyone everywhere is watching TV, reading newspapers and generally consuming information across all available platforms. news anchors have basically become an essential service to people across the globe. and rightfully so.

but i've also come to realize that a degree of hysteria is probably required to get people to wake up, to take precautions seriously and to STAY AT HOME. (obviously, my earlier suggestion to wander in a mall is no longer a good idea!) that said, it *is* a good idea to get some fresh air, ride a bike, go for a walk, sit in a park, etc., because decompressing, getting some exercise and taking care of your mental health helps boost your immune system. you just need to do it while safely social distancing or going solo. and, for heaven's sake, NOT if you're sick.

given that so many people are still ignoring the social-distancing recommendations, i'm also totally OK with the government and decision-makers shutting stuff down -- schools, restaurants, bars, events. hot docs and my annual trip to florida are my absolute FAVOURITE 20 days of the year, and both have now been cancelled. but that's fine by me. people have proven they are unable or unwilling to stay home, or away from others, on their own, so i say: g'head and do it for them.

YB works in research at a hospital and found out yesterday that she'll have to go in for two days a week, every other week, starting next week (she'd previously been told she could work from home). this is worrisome for me -- less so because of the hospital, but because she'll need to take public transit to and from work on those days. i'm hoping the subways are relatively empty and not the packed-sardine-can experience they typically are during rush hour. this also means she will not be able to visit my parents -- she'll be risking exposure on various fronts, so they've been told she won't be hanging out at their place for a while. i'll be doing any grocery or necessity shopping they need and then dropping stuff off at their door.

for me, the ongoing outbreak has resulted in minor changes to my day-to-day. i'm fairly socially isolated as it is, and a homebody by nature, so keeping to myself isn't really a problem. being sequestered in my condo is also OK and, as a germophobe, i'm already well-versed in hand washing and preventative measures. i *am* much more mindful of how much space exists between me and anyone else anywhere i go now -- even going for a walk along virtually empty sidewalks, i leave a w-i-d-e berth between me and anyone i pass.

as a member of my condo's board of directors, i've been coordinating our communications to residents -- most of whom are over 65, and many of whom are in their 70s and 80s -- regarding what to do, how to do it and where to go for information. so, there's been a bit more work on that end.

but, otherwise, i'm trying (somewhat unsuccessfully so far) not to overconsume news. it's easy to get sucked in to hour after hour after hour of CNN -- succumbing to that jittery "I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING!" feeling which is common among those of us with anxiety. i initially thought i could limit myself to one hour-long news broadcast a day but that's proved totally futile, due largely to the number of times a day that regular, non-news programming is interrupted with a press conference. so, instead, i've set a cut-off time: no news after 7pm! i need my brain to not be in a state of high alert and/or alarm when i go to bed.

i'm trying to get at least *some* exercise each day. some days, it's an hour-long walk. some days, it's 40 minutes of taebo. other days, it's 20 minutes of weights... or just a quick jaunt to loblaws for cheese and ice cream.

i'm trying to stay connected, virtually, to my friends. that might be emails or social-media posts or facetime coffee dates (my first one is tomorrow!).

and i'm trying to find positive distractions, such as watching HGTV (where news interruptions never happen) or movies on netflix (same), or continuing to take photos for my photo blog (which will be updated today with a slew of images).

likewise, i'm trying to provide positive distractions -- calling my mom to chat, finding cute or funny videos to share, or just looking for good-news stories amid the grim onslaught.

to that end, i'll conclude with a piece of good news: remember that men's deodorant i bought and subsequently thought i'd have to return? i used it for a few more days and have grown to love it. :-)

what's your type?

last week, i watched a documentary called California Typewriter. released in 2016, the doc revolves around the eponymous repair-and-sales shop in berkeley, CA, and is something of a cinematic love letter to a lost (or faded-but-experiencing-a-resurgence, anyway) art form. the film itself is okay – its assembly and narrative is kind of jumbled and confusing, and i had no idea what was going on for the first five minutes or so – but the information, history and personalities it contains are fascinating.

who knew tom hanks loved typewriters so much that he's collected hundreds of them, and frequently gives them away as gifts?

who knew there were so many typewriter aficionados around the world?

and who'da thunk john mayer would prove to be so insightful (and enthusiastic) about embracing an analog "technology"? his comments regarding the immediacy and freedom of typing – and how the spontaneity and organic flow of words/creativity can be rudely interrupted by things like spellcheck and the delete key – really struck a chord.

often when i write, i rewrite before i'm done... which can be a problematic practice. i find myself stopping, starting, stopping and starting again, and sometimes a fleeting hint of a possibly great (or potentially leaden) idea evaporates because i'm distracted retracing previous words or correcting a typo or some such. for the record, i've tried writing longhand, but it presents the opposite problem: it's slower than typing, i can't always get the ideas out fast enough, and the rush to spew everything onto the page quickly results in some seriously questionable legibility, handwriting-wise.

so, i started thinking: what if i picked up an old manual typewriter somewhere, and used it for fun, stream-of-consciousness writing exercises to see of john mayer was right? you know, to just sit down and type out whatever nonsense or profound musings or rambling prose floated into my brain.

for one thing, it could add some novelty to the daily task of writing... at least until using a typewriter becomes hum-drum, anyway.

and, who knows, maybe it really might change the way i write for the better, preventing me from editing myself prematurely and forcing me to just live with whatever lands on the page.

armed with this newfound excitement and a readiness to welcome a manual typewriter into my life (OMG, what if i could find one in a cool colour like red or blue or green?!), i googled.

then i did a spit-take.

first, you can't actually buy a new manual typewriter anywhere... a fact i should have known because the documentary (again, made several years ago) covers the closure of the very last typewriter-manufacturing plant in the world.

dur.

i also discovered you also can't buy a new electric typewriter anywhere, either. at least, not anywhere in toronto that i could find.

you can find all kinds of typewriters (manual and/or electric) on kijiji, and there's a toronto store (not unlike california typewriter, which is still operating!) that specializes in the repair and restoration of vintage machines, but i'm just not willing to shell out $250 or more on what's essentially a whim. not right now, anyway.

so, i'll keep an eye out at thrift shops, where they're typically $20 or less. i know YB and i have seen typewriters on our jaunts to cobourg, orangeville and alliston. and, yes, i know whatever i find will likely need to have some work done, but hopefully any fixes (and a new ribbon) wouldn't break the bank.

or maybe this whole notion of a typewriter will fade and i'll stick to what i know. or suddenly get excited by some other long-gone way to write stuff.

i'm sure feather quills would be pretty cheap.

three strikes!

and now, an update on the various purchases outlined in previous posts.

1) the boots!
they arrived today. they were SOOOO PRETTY. they were SOOOO LIGHT. they were SO cushion-y and bouncy. and, sadly, they were SO NARROW. too narrow. despite so many of the online reviews citing ankle-area discomfort, my issue was tightness around the toe box – specifically: the baby toes on both feet. length-wise, the boots were fine, but the toe boxes were snug so that as soon as i walked around them for a bit, i could feel the sides of both baby toes literally being rubbed the wrong way. i know that if i were to wear these beauties on any kind of extended walk, or even once around the block, i'd come home with bloody blisters on both pinkie toes. and, given the boots' materials, there's no way they'd ever "stretch" to fit better. BOO. the "will they or won't they be magic?!" mystery has now been solved, and they will be going back.

2) the OTHER boots

on the same day i ordered the merrells, i noticed that there were some keen winter boots on clearance at another retailer. they were also comfy-looking, and they had my size... plus, they were $119. might as well order those, too, i figured. that way, i could compare both the keens and the merrells together, and keep whichever pair fit better and felt better. (given the long-term relationship i've had with my existing keen winter boots – probably about 15 years – i actually suspected i'd like the keens more.)

the keens arrived today, as well, about two hours after the merrells. they, too, were light. and cushion-y. not pretty at all, though, but that's okay. i'm all for function over form. plus, they reminded me of my current keens, and looked similar, style-wise.

BUT THEY WERE TOO SMALL.

*sigh*

despite consistently wearing a men's size 8 in keens, these 8s were more like 7.5s. yes, i could still order the next size up (they do have a pair of 8.5s left), but at this point – and after multiple failed attempts at buying shoes (which i haven't already tried on in person somewhere) online – i think i'll call it a day on the great winter-hiker hunt of 2020. at least as far as online shopping goes.

so, tomorrow i'll be trekking downtown to return the keens, and then returning the merrells to a different retailer closer to home. easy come, easy go!

3) the antiperspirant
after wearing it for 24 hours, i've decided the scent is too strong/not right for me. i thought maybe it would grow on me, but it still has something of an aftershave-y bouquet that i don't love. thankfully, i have two weeks to return the unused sticks for a refund... which i'll likely do on the weekend.

this might be a new record

further to my post about the discontinued fleecy...

one of the discontinued products on my current roster is my antiperspirant. for some reason, nivea decided to discontinue the "energy breeze" scent, which i've used for a number of years. (note: apparently, it's still available -- roll-on format only -- in europe, but i would imagine its demise there is imminent, too.)

it vanished from stores pretty quickly, and i only realized i'd missed my "stock up now before it's gone!" window completely by chance when i was browsing the deodorant section at my local walmart and noticed my fave scent missing. "huh, that's odd," i thought... and about three seconds later that familiar panic set in. "WHAT IF IT'S BEEN DISCONTINUED?!?"

because if a giant retailer like walmart was no longer stocking it, chances were good that every other retailer would likewise have removed it.

since i still had two sticks left (one in use and one not yet opened), i wasn't shopping to stock up, but quickly realized i should check other stores and stock up immediately if i could find any left anywhere.

sure enough, it was gone everywhere.

OH FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

that was about a year ago. in the months since, i'd put the remaining energy breezes i had on ice and tried other varieties of the nivea line. i wanted to have a replacement in place before i used up my remaining supply. the other nivea scents i bought were okay, but didn't smell like me. i also purchased a degree (a brand i used to use before they -- say it with me -- discontinued my scent of choice!), but it was so overpoweringly strong once i actually put it on that i couldn't bear to wear it. and i'd smell-tested every single women's antiperspirant stick for sale to no avail.

secret, ban, degree, dove, speed stick... everything was too fruity or too floral or too perfume-y. and the "powder" scent makes me gag across the board. i don't want to smell like pineapples or vanilla or lilies or some bizarre combination thereof. i just want to smell CLEAN. like a nice soap. (not a fan of "unscented," either, for the record.) i resigned myself to the fact that i'd have to resort to one of the meh niveas going forward.

then yesterday happened.

during an early morning shop, i stopped at the deodorant section and decided to explore the men's options. almost all were way too potent and cologne-y for my liking. one variety of men's speed stick was an "irish spring"-scented option, which wasn't terrible... and then i saw it: speed stick stainguard "clean scent."

"clean scent"? that sounds... somewhat mild. and it has "clean" right in the name.

i popped the cap off and gave it a whiff.

not bad! not too strong, not too cologne-y... and almost twice the size of any women's antiperspirant stick for the same price. in this case, $3.48.

"hold on," i told myself, "that's regular price. speed stick is ALWAYS on sale somewhere for $2. cool your jets, go home, see where it's on sale and then go buy it there. or bring the flyer back here and they'll match the price."

pleased with myself, i carried on with my day. i got home, checked flipp to see who had speed stick on sale (rexall for the win at $1.99!) and then figured i'd walk to my nearby rexall later in the day to grab a stick.

but rexall didn't have any "clean scent." not even shelf space for it.

uh oh.

so i continued walking and headed to an adjacent loblaws. nope, they didn't have it, either. i checked three more stores on that walk and NONE of them had "clean scent" men's speed stick.

"did i just find a new product to like AND discover it's been discontinued... ALL IN UNDER SIX HOURS?!?!?!"

yep.

a new record!

when i got home, i checked online retailers and every single one had some variation of "out of stock" or "no longer available" slapped on the product.

what to do?

hop in joel, go back to the first store, bring the rexall flyer and get some?

or put it out of my mind and move on since the product was already discontinued, so why purposely buy something i won't be able to buy again?

to say that i hemmed and hawed and weighed my options for FAR TOO LONG would be an understatement. yes, the rational part of my brain was like, "dude, why bother? find something else!"

but the rest of my brain was all, "just buy a few to tide you over until you find another variety you like! you've already tried so many and came up empty -- this is one you smelled and LIKED. what's the harm?! IT'S ONLY TWO DOLLARS. if you buy it and hate it, it's not like you've wasted a ton of cash."

very long story marginally shorter: this morning, after rush hour, i hopped in joel – flyer in hand – and went back to store #1, bought three of the speed sticks and came home. i did a taebo workout, took a shower and test drove the new deodorant thereafter: not bad. a little stronger *on* me than i initially thought. we'll see if it's a keeper or winds up relegated to occasional use. i'll use it for the next few days and, if i decide i'm not a fan after all, i can return the two unused sticks on the weekend.

or just leave them on the give-away table in our building, so some older gentleman can grab them and stay fresh. for free.