five more things... because i'm trying to blog more regularly...

1. over the holidays, i began watching The Wire on DVD. it's a series about police and drug dealers in baltimore. i've finished season one, am halfway through season two, and have season three sitting on my coffee table. while it's good (though hugely profane), it's no Sons of Anarchy.

2. in related news, i missed my calling in life, i think. i should have been a detective. i am very good at sleuthing.

3. this may wind up the subject of a longer post, but i'm struggling a bit to find balance in some of my relationships. that is, balance in terms of give and take, and in not feeling like i'm always chasing a friendship.

4. yesterday, my editors and i had a client meeting. one of the clients was a stunning and super-smart woman, who rattled off facts and data and research info with such smoothness and ease and dry humour that i sighed internally. of course, as soon as she'd walked in, the first thing i did was look for a wedding band -- and there, on her left hand, was a big, fat, engagement ring. just once -- ONCE! ONE TIME! -- i'd like to meet a smart, funny, gorgeous woman who's gay and single. just once!

5. though i am bummed at toronto's lack of snow this winter, i *am* happy that it means i can walk to or from work in shoes instead of boots.

five things about today

1. it was bitterly, bone-chillingly cold outside today. BUT, thanks to the newly repaired boiler in my building, my apartment now remains warm (or hot) on even the most frigid and windy of winter days.

2. further to item #1, i decided to walk to work this morning. i was wearing my woolies and hadn't really walked much over the christmas break, so out i went. and it felt great! (freezing at first, but eventually great.)

3. at the office, i spent the day working on copywriting assignments and revamping other people's bad copy. it was immensely satisfying.

4. i also brought in two barbie hats for randall the rubber rat. i think he looks fetching. (photo coming at some point.)

5. even though i spent the past week consuming my weight in cookies, there's still room for a few more.

NYE encounter in the ladies' room

on new year's eve day, YB and i went out shopping. we did quite well -- each of us managing to get everything on her respective shopping list... and, in almost every case for almost every item, on sale, to boot. score!

during our outing, we went to a large shopping mall. when we arrived, i had to pee. shopping on an empty bladder is always much more enjoyable than trying to work one's way through sale racks while mentally calculating how long it will be before a mad dash to the washroom will be unavoidable, so finding a washroom was first on the to-do list.

we walked into sears and i made my way to the ladies room. trix said she'd browse women's wear and wait for me there. when i arrived at the women's washroom, its four stalls were occupied and there was a woman waiting for her turn. i stood behind her. a stall opened up, and she went in. i moved up two paces.

the main door to the ladies' room then opened, and a plucky, plump asian girl, who looked about eight years old, cheerfully arrived.

"hi!" she chirped to me as she bounced in.

"hi!" i replied.

the girl walked up beside me, peered towards the four occupied stalls, and then looked back up at me.

"they're full," i explained. "so we have to wait."

"they're full?"

"yup," said i.

"okay. i put make-up on today!" said the girl.

i smiled. "you did?"

"yeah!" she replied, clearly excited by her accomplishment. "but not right now. before."

"oh, well, good for you!" i said.

"it's almost lunch time," remarked my chatty, non-sequiter-loving line mate without missing a beat.

i looked at my watch. "you're right. it is."

"what time is it?" she asked.

"three minutes to twelve," i said, smiling at this gal's chipper and weirdly friendly demeanour. i mean, given her exuberance and eagerness to talk, i was glad (for her) that i'm a kind and responsible adult and not someone scary or dangerous.

"do you have a kid?" she asked with complete sincerity.

i laughed. "no, i don't."

a stall opened up, so i looked down at her and said, "would you like to go first?"

"okay!"

she headed into the newly vacant stall and closed the door behind her. the woman who'd exited looked at me with an expression that said, "that little girl is such a character!" i smiled and nodded.

not two seconds later, the door to the stall swung open again. the little girl popped her head out and called to me, "this toilet is really small!" she then quickly closed the door again and locked it.

(they're not actually small -- they're just really low to the ground, as if made for people no taller than 4'6". still, it was funny.)

when another stall became available, i went in and hoped that i wouldn't have a face suddenly appear under the door to tell me about the foamy-soap dispenser or the flush volume. i also couldn't wait to get back out to YB to tell her about this entertaining exchange.

by the time i exited the washroom, the little girl was nowhere to be seen. i found trix and, as we headed towards the mall, said, "when we get outside, i have to tell you about this little girl in the washroom just now..."

YB sort of gasped and then laughed.

"OMG, while i was waiting for you, this little girl came out of the washroom and hurried back over to her father and said, `i made a friend!', and i just knew she was probably talking about you!"

:-)

to do in 2012

over the past couple of weeks, i've been pondering the end of 2011 and, more importantly, what i want out of 2012. i'm not really sure i know, actually, but i figure i need to give the universe at least some vague ideas so that i can continue to progress and grow and evolve.

to that end, i've begun a (short, at the moment) list. sort of a to-do list of aspirations, goals and plans... even if i don't yet know which items should fall under what heading.

* i'd like to learn how to make cheesecake. more to the point, to perfect a basic cheesecake (i've never even tried to make one before) so that i can create more elaborate, delicious varieties.

* i want to learn, or to teach myself, graphic-design software like indesign. or perhaps photoshop. or some similar and less-expensive programs. i feel like marrying words with pictures is something i'd be good at and really enjoy doing.

* i will make my short film before the year is over. i've been sitting on a script for the past couple of years, and i think i've finally figured out how to turn it into an actual short in the easiest, quickest way possible. and, hopefully, a way that doesn't actually cost me any money.

* i want to improve on my 2011 income by 25%. if i hope to buy my own place -- even a small, cozy one -- someday, my tax returns for the next few years need to prove i'm gainfully employed.

* i'm quickly losing patience with people and their addictions to their cell phones... and i will be spending less time with folks who'd clearly rather be spending time with their mobile devices instead of me. sorry.

* i may revisit The Artist's Way to go back and complete the dozens of homework assignments i did not complete in the first go-round.

* i hope to see ericanddan, and some of my reykjavik pals, again. not sure how, not sure where, don't know when... but there you go. i've learned they're really good for my heart.

and

* unless there are extenuating circumstances (like a tight deadline), i'll be shutting down my laptop by 9pm nightly from now on. i've realized my sore back doesn't need the added desk time, and i really don't accomplish much online by that time of day, anyway.

goodbye, and thank you, 2011...

holy cow. it's new year's eve, and i kind of can't believe 2011 is over. it feels like the past 12 months have flown by so quickly and, for the first time in at least four years, i'm actually looking back on everything and smiling. feeling really good about it all, and great about some of it.

when 2010 ended, i was just coming out of a long stretch of proverbial darkness and, though cautiously optimistic, was melancholy. things had begun to pick up in september of last year, and work had finally started to trickle in, but i was still tethered to past sadness. i had no idea, at the time, just how steadily the balls that had started rolling would keep right on trucking in the year to follow.

because 2011 was, overall and certainly comparably, pretty awesome.

the year was filled with positive changes, right from the get-go. i was determined to turn things around, and i started on january 1st. i launched my 365 photo project, and embarked on the creative-recovery workshop outlined in The Artist's Way. baby steps turned into a steady pace, and spawned further goodness. i scored a regular freelancing spot at an entertainment magazine, landed a gig transcribing videos and then, in april, started a five-week in-office editorial assignment -- when i said "yes" to the position, i immediately went from unemployed to senior editor of two vastly different magazines. that job not only stretched into 19 weeks, but has since turned into a cyclical position where i'll likely work three or four months, break for six to eight weeks, and return to work. lather, rinse, repeat. hooray!

though it was fabulous to finally be earning a steady income again -- especially after a two-year drought -- the biggest benefit of returning to this sort of work was the feeling of accomplishment that accompanied it. it was like long-dormant parts of my brain sprang back to life, and new synapses fired daily. i got stuff done, and done well. having a routine, and some structure, did wonders; being reminded that i'm very good at what i do did even more. and with all those things came renewed self-esteem and self-worth, a feeling of purpose (even if that purpose was rewriting the world's worst copy written by the world's crappiest freelancer into something coherent and readable), and a whole bunch of new friends.

in fact, "new friends" was a recurring theme this past year, thanks in large part to the job and to my trip to reykjavik. REYKJAVIK! in iceland! more than 2600 miles from toronto! were it not for my dear friends, ericanddan, and their august nuptials in the land of volcanoes, hot dogs and skyr, i wouldn't have flown across the ocean to a foreign -- and über-friendly -- land, i would never have visited gulfoss waterfall or eaten pylsur by the water, i wouldn't have seen puffins up close and i never would have met the amazing guesthouse owner who now wants me to come visit him in paris. so much warmth in such a (fantastically!) chilly climate.

most importantly, in addition to adventures and spending time with ericanddan and my seattle pals, had i not gone to iceland, i wouldn't have met a bunch of fabulous new folks whom i now consider friends, and the wound i'd been carrying around for more than a year would not have been so profoundly, spontaneously healed. and, honestly, that is probably the absolute best thing to come out of the past 12 months -- finally, finally, finally shedding a huge emotional weight and letting it go.

plenty of other stuff happened this year, and i'm extremely grateful for it all, but the events that meant the most -- both personally and professionally -- are the ones i've written about above. i'm not the same person i was last year at this time, and they're why. i pray my evolution continues on this trajectory in the year to come.

having 2011 draw to a close feels a little like turning the last page in a novel i truly enjoyed. i feel very satisfied with the stories, pleased with the character development and, though a teeny tiny bit sad that it's over, very much excited, curious and hopeful about what the next instalment holds in store.

happy new year, everyone. :-)

random 2011 numbers

* 1040 -- kilometres, give or take 200, i walked this year.

* 364 -- photos i've posted, as of today, on my 365 photo blog.

* 2 -- continents i was on.

* 4191 -- kilometres, as the crow flies, between toronto and reykjavik.

* 3 -- seasons of Sons of Anarchy, the best show on TV, i watched. (season one happened in december 2010.)

* 115 -- pounds of emotional baggage i shed.

* 15 -- new friends i made. (and counting.)

* 28th -- the day in november when the psycho at the end of my hall finally moved out.

* 1000 -- the percentage by which my income increased over the past 12 months.

* 2000+ -- laughs i laughed.

holiday-themed photos...

... are up at the photo blog.

i decided that every shot between december 1st and 25th should have something to do with christmas. and, though the results may be uninspired on some days, i'm pleased with the results.

and i also can't believe i'm two photos away from hitting 365. a whole year of pictures!

post-christmas update

* i love christmas. i love everything about the season. i love the christmas songs playing while you shop and radio stations swapping out their regular programming for 24-hour-a-day christmas music. i love christmas-themed movies and TV specials. i love the decorations splattered over every inch of retail space. i love that people bring baked goods into work every day the week before the break, and how talk turns from work-related issues to "any plans for the holidays?" , and how cubicles get bedazzled. for the most part, people also seem to be a little more cheerful, a little kinder, a little more considerate. (shopping mall crowds and parking-lot behaviour notwithstanding.) and, as everyone knows, i really really really love the lights.

* to that end, YB and i went on a hunt for fabulous christmas-light displays last friday. we met up for an early dinner (BBQ chicken for me, ribs for her) and then wandered around the downtown core for a couple of hours. it was a gorgeous night -- cold, crisp, clear -- and we saw some pretty displays. given that it was also december 23rd, and a friday, the financial district was deserted, which made for quiet and peaceful meandering.

* last week, i think 90% of my diet consisted of sugar and butter. after four days (!) of baking with mom -- which was lovely -- i went into work, where one person after another (me included) brought in snacks and candy. there was one delicious tin of a homemade québecois confection, the name of which i cannot remember, that was like the love child of maple fudge and a praline (minus the nuts). oh, it was goooo-ood.

* i spent christmas eve chez YB. we had a modified portuguese stir fry (frozen vegetables instead of fresh) and watched the first couple of episodes of The Wire. the series had been critically lauded when it aired (back in 2002 - 2004) but, as of yet, it hasn't hooked us at all. it's no Sons of Anarchy.

* boxing day was spent tiling my parents' kitchen. specifically, installing a backsplash. my mother has never, ever had one, but always wanted one. she had an estimate done by a pro, but it was pricy. so, when YB's pal, anunciata, offered to do it for free (she's done three backsplashes before, and is a DIY home-reno expert), mom jumped at the chance. it was a process not without its problems. for starters, 'nunce arrived with a faulty tile cutter. the one she was meant to bring was broken, so she borrowed a second one from a friend… but that one was a big dud that chipped every tile we tried before its blade came right off its mooring. after an hour of trial and error, i suggested we go to home depot to rent a wet saw. which we did. when we brought it home and filled the water bin, all the water leaked out. so, we went back to home depot (a 20-minute trip in each direction, btw), had the problem fixed, returned to my parents' house and began… four hours after our actual start time of 8:30am.

* because we got such a late start to the tiling, we didn't finish until 9:30pm. i was EXHAUSTED. but i discovered that i LOVE cutting tile and am actually really good at it. the wet saw scared me at first -- i had visions of losing a digit or two -- but, once i overcame that fear and dove in with my first test cut, i was hooked. 'nunce did the measuring and applying; i did the tile cutting. still, the novelty of the process wore off with each successive hour and, by the time we were done, i was at my tiling limit. unfortunately, because my mom hadn't worked out in advance what, exactly, would be included in nunce's offer to tile, we were left to clean up after she headed home to her family. she helped a little, but then (as it was nearing 10pm) packed up and left. i wasn't overly thrilled that i was stuck cleaning all the tools and that mom was up way past her bedtime washing drop cloths and vacuuming the floor… but there you go.

* on the upside, mom LOVES the backsplash. we do the grouting tomorrow, but i think it already looks great. my father, of course, didn't help with the clean up. instead, after we'd done all the cleaning and were finishing up around 11pm, he walked into the kitchen, looked at the backsplash and said to my mom, "so, do you love what they did?" my mother said she did, and that she thinks the backsplash looks gorgeous. "i think it's dark," said my ever-supportive and encouraging father. when i pointed out that i'd just spent 12 hours putting up that tile, and that perhaps he should say nothing at all if he can't come up with anything positive to contribute, he said, "i'm just giving you my honest opinion." i informed him that no one had ASKED FOR IT.

* in case it's not clear from the previous point, i have reached my holiday-tolerance point with dad. i am thisclose to telling him to eff off if he makes any further negative remarks. about anything.

* yesterday, because we had to let the tile glue set for 24 hours, mom and i took the day off and went shopping. there were still plenty of deals to be had -- i wound up getting a $70 shirt for $5!

* today, we shopped a little more in the morning, then i came home to paint the wall in my bedroom. the wall with the mural. the mural is now gone. RIP art project. i also adjusted the positioning of all the framed drawings on the opposite wall -- ever since i moved my bed, i've been irritated by how off-center they are. so, after much measuring and hammering, those, too, are fixed. and tonight, YB and i are going frame shopping at michael's because they're having a big frame sale.

* last week, the furnace in my building needed serious repairs. evidently, it hadn't been cleaned in years and years. happily, this means i now have proper heat in my unit (as does everyone in the building, not just the first few floors) and my apartment stays warm even when the north winds blow. unfortunately, the work on the equipment meant air got into the steam pipes, so i now have the constant sound of trickling water running through my rads. it's a closed system, so i have no control over the rads and when they're on or off and, as such, i can't bleed them to get the air out. the main boiler needs to be bled, and i left my super a message last week to point it out, but the babbling brook continues. it's like a dripping faucet: no, it's not the end of the world but, once you notice the sound, you can't un-notice it.

* i think this completes my updates. hope your holidays have been merry and bright!

let your heart be light

merry christmas!

pre-christmas office vignette

yesterday, at the printer, a few of us were standing around chatting.

one of the women i work with, who's quite beautiful (and married with two kids), asked what i'd be doing during my christmas break. i told her about the backsplash project at my parents' house, and she told me about the problematic drawers in her kitchen, which don't open properly. she said she feared her un-handy husband would try to fix them.

today, as i was getting ready to leave, i stopped at her desk to wish her a merry christmas.

"have a merry christmas!" she said to me. "and have a happy new year! i hope your reno project goes well."

"thanks!" i replied. "i hope your... drawers open?"

and then we both doubled over laughing.

fin.

christmas-baking weekend is underway!

... and i am up to my elbows in deliciousness.

prayer for a stranger

this morning, i decided to go for a long walk from my place all the way downtown. it normally takes an hour, but i knew i'd stretch that out by wandering up and down streets, looking at christmas decorations and browsing in stores that hadn't yet filled with holiday shoppers for the day.

part of my route took me through toronto's fanciest shopping area, where you can find stores like prada and tiffany and gucci and endless boutiques where the price tags start in the three digits. i was waiting to cross the street at an intersection when i noticed an older man, maybe in his late 70s or so, standing a short ways ahead of me.

what follows took place within no more than 10-15 seconds.

the man looked like your average middle-class grandpa -- dark corduroy pants, winter jacket, older-man fedora. he wasn't homeless or crazy-looking. just average. as i approached the intersection, i saw that he was sort of shaking his left leg, as if trying, very subtly and without excessive movement, to work out a kink. that's when i noticed a small puddle of what i thought was canine diarrhea right next to his left foot.

almost immediately, i saw that the diarrhea was actually running down the back of this man's ankle and shoe, then onto the sidewalk. he hadn't stepped in it. it was very obviously coming *from* him.

my stomach lurched.

not because i was grossed out, but because i realized what must have just happened -- this man had suddenly lost control of his bowels on a downtown sidewalk on a sunny friday morning -- and how mortified, and possibly scared, he likely was.

it was as if time stood still for the next four or five seconds while we waited for the light to change. my mind raced: what should i do? should i do anything? was anyone else witnessing this? what should i do???

i quickly glanced at the man and his body language suggested he was trying not to draw attention to himself. there didn't seem to be any stains on the back of his pants yet. he wasn't freaking out or looking around for help -- he just kept stepping to the side, away from the first small puddle and then the second. and then, as the light changed, he calmly began walking across the street. it was as though he hoped no one would notice.

my heart was pounding -- did he need help? would he find it? would someone else come to his rescue? how far was he going to walk in his condition? it's not like he could easily hop in a cab, sit down and ride home to a shower and clean clothes. the nearest public washroom was a block away. there weren't any affordable stores around where he could quickly buy a pair of cheap pants.

i started walking behind him across the road, and then around him, but i felt psychologically paralyzed. i felt as though i should do *something*, but i had no idea what. or how.

and so, feeling like i might start to cry, i turned the corner and the man went in the other direction.

i felt horrible, as though i had just literally and figuratively turned my back on someone in need. but, i kept asking myself as i walked, what should i have done? what would have been the appropriate action? (even now, three hours later, i don't know.)

so, as i continued on my way, the image of his shoe burned into my brain and the idea of his embarrassment weighing on my heart, i did the only thing i could think to do: i said a tiny prayer.

i silently asked that the man would find his way safely home and that he would easily find help if he sought it.

and i really hope one or both of those things happened.

edited to add: 

later in the afternoon, as i walked to the subway to head to my parents' house (where i am now), i was suddenly hit with a lightning-bolt realization, and its words rang in my head as clear as a bell: COLOSTOMY BAG. 

it's entirely possible, if not probable, that this man had a colostomy bag -- the kind you strap to your leg -- that leaked or ruptured. that would explain why he had no stains on the back of his pants, and would also explain (perhaps) his remarkably calm demeanor and the consistency (sorry) of what was pooling at his feet. though still embarrassing, having a colostomy bag fail is probably frustrating or infuriating, but much less mortifying or alarming than it would be having one's body fail.

while you wait...

the photo blog has new material. (mainly because it takes all of five seconds to upload.)

back's getting better... i'll be back very soon...

in the meantime, this:

taken with my rebel, which i am very much enjoying.

around the yuletide dial: reminder

when you hear this song on your local all-christmas-music radio station this holiday season, remember i'm in the chorus and also one of the people clapping.

:-)

saying "no, thank you..."

remember that meeting i mentioned in my last entry? about the potentially lucrative project?

well, i had the meeting yesterday. and, within about two minutes, i knew this project was not one for which i'd be signing on. like, at all.

for starters, i arrived at the designated meeting room a few minutes early. then i waited. the guy who'd set up the meeting arrived right on time. his two colleagues, however, showed up late even though the meeting room was literally down the hall from their offices. and those two were the ones running the show.

as a writer, i really had only two key questions going in:

1. what is it, exactly, you need me to do/write?

and

2. what will the fee be?

i never actually got to question #2 because they weren't able to answer question #1 in any kind of clear, articulate, direction-giving way. the sales guy reminded me of anthony bourdain -- which isn't a good thing -- and came off as insincere and almost condescending; his co-boss, a woman who spoke so quickly that i sometimes had trouble following what she was saying, kept giving me information i hadn't requested, that also had little to do with whatever i'd asked. the project manager who'd initially approached me was the only one i liked, but he was very young and fairly new to the job, so he wasn't really "in charge" so much as "liaising."

whenever i asked about what i'd be writing, i got answers about clients and programs and the readership of the magazines in which this supplement would run. i asked about the tone of the piece, and got more demographic info. initially, i didn't understand why they seemed to be avoiding my questions, but slowly began to realize why: these folks didn't know what they wanted me to write. in fact, the sales guy started talking about how i'd "go out into the industry" and "conduct interviews and do research" and that i would then build stories and angles based on whatever i gleaned -- stories and angles that would, of course, first have to be cleared and approved by this sales team and, more importantly, their clients. more and more, i realized this would be a very time-consuming, labour-intensive and potentially exhausting undertaking.

in other words: i'd be doing a lot of legwork before ever sitting down to write anything, and i'd have to build some kind of new, fresh angle on a project that, it turns out, they put out every year.

when i found out this was an annual thing, i immediately wondered where its previous writer(s) had gone. why wasn't the same person writing it this year? probably because, as my gut was telling me, this would be a writing gig that wasn't worth the effort, and one that i would likely regret if i said "yes."

i also found out the "kill fee" -- i.e., the amount i'd be paid if, for some reason, this supplement was scrapped and didn't wind up running -- would be only 50% of whatever my agreed-upon fee would be. so, in theory, i could be doing all this work and then, perhaps, only getting half of the money for it.

no, thank you.

as i said, within a couple of minutes of sitting down with these folks, i knew i'd say no. nothing about the assignment appealed to me -- honestly, had i clicked better with the people running it, or been interested in the subject matter in some way, i might have said yes… but none of that happened. so, i kind of stopped listening to their sales speak and just kept nodding my head, mentally planning how i'd word my rejection.

thankfully, when i returned to my department and went over this meeting (and the project) with my editor, he agreed that i should say no.

which is what i did.

please note: i have not vanished

no, i'm still here. and so my aching back. it's been bothering me off and on for the past few weeks, but has definitely been ON for the past several days. as such, by the time i've spent the day sitting at my desk at the office, the desire to spend more time sitting at my desk at home has waned. mainly, i just want to sit -- or, more specifically, lie -- on my couch. or the floor.

normally, i'd just write a blog entry or two on my lunch hour at work, but circumstances of late haven't afforded me that hour (i've had appointments and such that eat up that time)... so, no blogging at the office, either.

in related news, i went to the chiropractor today, who said, "why didn't you come in sooner?!?!"

other tidbits:

* mom and i went to a christmas concert at her church tonight. i haven't been to that kind of christmas concert in decades and it was very, very nice. heartwarming and sweet. we did not win any of the door prizes (thank goodness), nor did we win the 50/50 draw. and i cried during O Holy Night.

* as noted above, work's been busy. not so busy that i'm swamped, but busy enough that i end each day feeling like i was productive. (lack of blogging notwithstanding.)

* today, i was approached by a project manager in another department to write a supplement that will run in three magazines, including two of canada's big financial publications. he didn't have many details of what the project entails, and i have heard horror stories about these sorts of projects gone awry, so we have a meeting tomorrow to flesh out all the details. my editor (who's not part of this project) said i should up my fee and charge them a premium since they approached me, and not the other way around. if i take the gig, i totally will.

* if all goes well, YB and i will be having our fourth and final (for 2011) Sons of Anarchy weekend this weekend. four seasons in eleven months. and then we'll have to wait until next december to see season five. i've missed gemma and company.

* i have to see Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked on saturday morning. i'm not excited.

* christmas is less than three weeks away. i cannot believe how fast a year has flown by.

toenail soup

on thursday, at the office, i made a lunchtime error.

almost every day, i head down to the cafeteria to see what kind of soup is available. there are two varieties every day -- one with meat, one that's vegetarian -- and the flavours rotate so that none are repeated on back-to-back days.

some of the soups are delicious. i always go for the vegetarian option because i don't trust meat i can't see. i lurrrrrrve the carrot-ginger. the lentil is always hearty. the curried squash is tasty. and once, sometime in june (but, tragically, never again since), they had a spicy black-bean soup that was so beyond amazing that i still think fondly on it.

but they're not all winners. i'm not interested in "onion" anything, so i never have the swiss-onion offering... which is basically a brown broth jam-packed with huge slices of onion. i don't like mushrooms, so cream of mushroom will never be my friend. and, though it smells great, i won't touch the mexican vegetable because there are copious quantities of black olives swimming through it. and i can't stand olives of any variety.

which brings me to last thursday's soup: cream of vegetable.

a while ago, i figured out the chefs' "recipe" for their routine cream of vegetable offering: take all the leftover vegetarian soups from the week, put 'em in a food processor with cream, potatoes and TONS of butter, and blend. then serve.

as such, i don't choose the cream of vegetable unless i'm REALLY craving soup. it basically tastes like cream and butter and potatoes, with a hint of vegetables of indeterminate origin.

but, last thursday, i was really craving warm soup and a bagel. when i went to the soup vats and saw "cream of vegetable," i sighed. my art director friend was with me as i lifted the lid of the vat to have a look.

"why is it grey?" she asked.

i didn't think it looked grey, per se, but it didn't look super-appealing. still, it was soup, and i wanted soup, so soup i did ladle out for myself. i picked up a fresh bagel, as well, then we headed back upstairs.

as soon as i lifted the lid of my soup container at my desk, the blinding, fluorescent light of truth revealed that my soup was, indeed, a curious shade of near-grey. i gave it a stir and let out something akin to a gasp-whine.

floating around in the creamy, off-colour slop were distinct chunks of black olive.

and then i remembered that one of the vegetarian soups earlier in the week had been the aforementioned, olive-heavy mexican vegetable.

OH, F-WORD.

not only were there olives in my soup, there was macerated olive pulp! that's what was making it GREY.

i gave it my best shot. i tried to eat the soup. i told myself to pretend there were no olives in it. but it was getting increasingly difficult to swallow each successive spoonful.

because, for me, finding out that my soup had olives blended into it was like finding out someone had dropped a toenail into the pot during cooking: i might not have been able to taste it or see it, but knowing it was in there was enough to make me gag.

i think i ate 1/3 of the bowl before giving up and dumping the rest in the toilet. lesson learned.

cream of vegetable has since been officially redubbed "toenail soup." and i'm never getting it again.

[please note: the accompanying photo is NOT a photo of my toenail soup, but that's kind of what it looked like, colour-wise.]

squeezed!

i'm happy to report that the mammogram was a breeze. i did have another russian tech, but she was pleasant and efficient.

it took maybe six or seven minutes, total, and didn't hurt at all. i kept waiting for it to hurt, but... nope. (thank goodness for small breasts!)

like dr. textbook, the tech also mentioned that i might be called back for more pictures. so, now i wait. if i don't hear anything by next wednesday, everything should be fine.

the big squeeze

tomorrow morning, i'm going to have my first mammogram.

i turned the big 4-0 this summer, so it's time for a baseline look at what, exactly, my breasts are up to. hopefully, nothing at all.

as usual, dr. textbook -- who was weirdly chatty and friendly when i went for my annual check-up a few weeks ago -- wasn't super-helpful or informative about this inaugural mammogram. she gave me the requisition form and mentioned that i shouldn't worry if i was called back for additional images because that's normal.

when i got home that day, i began googling "my first mammogram" to better inform and prepare myself. to be honest, i wasn't (and am not) scared. i'd much rather have a mammogram than another ultrasound. googling is, however, always a risky undertaking -- i found plenty of "it was easy! didn't hurt at all!" stories and also inevitably stumbled upon occasional tales of pain and woe and bruises and dismay that made me a little queasy.

thankfully, the good ones outnumbered the bad, so i'm choosing to hope for the best despite the fact that i'll be having mine done at the same imaging center where i went for that horrible ultrasound early last year. if the mammogram tech is anything like ludmila, i'll not be returning… especially since all the photos i found when i did a google image search for "mammogram" featured kindly looking technicians, hand gently placed on their respective patients' backs, smiling. (see: above right.) nary a surly russian among them, so i'm hoping i'm likewise well taken-care-of in a softly lit room with fresh flowers in a pretty vase and a lady in pink scrubs who's friendly and nice.

i'll admit i'm a little nervous about just how much it might hurt, and i'm so paranoid that (per the explicit instructions) i'll forget *not* to put on deodorant in the morning that i've already packed my antiperspirant in my knapsack so it's out of arm's reach after my shower in the morning.

there's also that tiny part of my brain that's piped up with "what if" wonderings about what the results might be.

as i said, hopefully everything will go well and be fine and my breasts will be pronounced healthy and clear.