my-graines

once in a while, i get hit with a migraine. it happens maybe once a year or so, at most, and always starts with a blind spot appearing in my vision. that spot can be small, sometimes just a weird squiggly line of light in the centre of my field of vision that gets bigger and bigger until my peripheral vision on one side goes completely squiggly screwy.

other times, it's a bigger blind spot -- which i've tried to recreate in the image above -- that i immediately know is forming because i suddenly realize i can't read text properly.

regardless of how the migraine begins to manifest itself, i've come to learn that i have about a half hour of (painless) visual disturbances before the actual pounding headache begins. and, over time, i've learned that if i catch the migraine early and IMMEDIATELY take an extra-strength headache pill (containing acetaminophen, aspirin and caffeine) + half a can of Coke, i can dramatically lessen the migraine's intensity. sometimes, that medication/cola combo has even stopped a migraine from developing further, leaving me with just a very faint, dull aching in my forehead and behind my eyes and not the searing head pain that leaves me in bed in a pitch-dark room for several hours until it abates.

i think i was maybe 14 or 15 (maybe a bit younger?) the first time i ever had a migraine. i'd been outside, and came in because my head started to pound. soon, it was so severe that i started to worry something was very wrong. my mom took me to the ER (it was that painful), where they did some neurological tests to make sure i wasn't having some kind of brain hemorrhage, and then diagnosed me with a really bad migraine. fun fact: that ER visit was also where i learned that i cannot stomach demerol -- they gave me one for the pain, and i threw it up shortly thereafter.

after the above incident, migraines mostly stayed away until my 20s. then, occasionally and without any explanation, they'd pop up from time to time. a friend of mine told me that she used to suffer from them a LOT, but that regular aerobic exercise helped keep them at bay. whenever she stopped exercising for a spell, the migraines would inevitably return. so, i started getting regular (vigorous) exercise, and it seemed to work.

over time, though, the exercise-prevention strategy started to falter. i'd still get the occasional migraine even if i'd been regularly getting my heart rate up. and those migraines, however few and far between, once again just started popping up randomly. (or, seemingly randomly, anyway, as far as i can tell -- i haven't yet been able to identify any common denominators that might have triggered them.)

so it was that yesterday, about four minutes into my almost-daily one-hour power walk, my vision started to go a bit squirrelly. at first, i chalked it up to probably having glanced at a bright, sunny spot of neighbourhood, and waited for my eyesight to return to normal. but it didn't. so, i tried to read a street sign -- newp. blind spot. i thought maybe vigorous exercise might, on its own, tamp the budding migraine down, so i continued to walk for about another five minutes... before realizing that the blind spot was getting larger and obscuring my vision enough that it probably wasn't a good idea for me to continue marching through the neighbourhood. power walk: aborted.

i got home, took the medication/cola combo and a big drink of water, sat down and closed my eyes to wait for the pounding. but, thankfully, it did not arrive. i spent the remainder of the day working on condo-board stuff... which is its own special kind of headache.

topsy-turvy

oh, hi. remember back at the start of 2020, when i thought i'd reactivate this blog and write more regularly? and how quickly that faded? yeah.

it's been a crazy, chaotic month or so, and to be honest: i just didn't feel like writing. anything. every now and again, i'd get a teeny glimmer of an idea for a blog post, but just felt meh about sitting down to actually get it out. i don't have anything insightful or profound to say on global matters, and writing about frivolous, inconsequential things just seemed... frivolous and inconsequential. so, i just wrote nothing and left the blog to stagnate.

it was also my birthday last week. i'm now less than a year from turning 50. (FIFTY! it's not possible. how can i be almost 50?!?! i feel like i just finished high school. this must be a mistake.)

as most of you know, like christmas, my birthday is always a time of reflection and rumination for me, but this year it felt much deeper and more complex.

my anxiety has been hyper-charged for the past month or so, leaving my brain to gnaw on worrisome thoughts as i fall asleep each night, and causing me to wake up feeling panicked around 5am each day. it's sucked my motivation to do anything creative all but dry -- even taking photos for the photo blog has been challenging. tossing my annual birthday musing into this stress cocktail just left me feeling spun in a suffocating vortex of regret (over the past) and worry (about the future).

on my actual birthday, i went to my parents' house for presents, cake and a socially distanced lunch. while there, i went up to my bedroom and started going through boxes of childhood stuff that i'd packed away years ago. and as i looked through decades-old memorabilia and birthday cards and mementos from family vacations, i was reminded of the person i was and the person i thought i would become. as a kid and a teen, i was so hugely passionate about movies and TV and screenwriting, and making a name for myself in the entertainment industry. practically every single thing i unearthed in those boxes was connected to that long-faded dream. long-faded plan, actually.

it was bittersweet. yes, i've led a good life and had assorted accomplishments and all that stuff, but i started to think about where my life might have ended up if i'd been less fearful, less nervous, less uncertain and more confident. what if i'd truly pursued my dream instead of deferring it for easier, less scary, less risky professional pursuits? i thought about how many projects i could have completed in my 20s, 30s and 40s, and wondered if there was even any point in starting any projects at this point in my life. (i mean, yes, of course there's a point and there's no reason to throw out ambition or hopes or dreams, even 30 years later -- but my head was in a negative space around my birthday.) the COVID-19 situation has added an extra layer of regret because i think, "dammit. what if that window of opportunity is now forever closed?"

anyway, you get the idea. there's been a lot of woulda-, coulda-, shoulda-ing this past week, and i'm still trying to wade out of that mire to get myself back on some kind of creative track.

in related news, all of the above has been in conjunction with a fair amount of (growing) anxiety over the future. what growing old will be like for me. will i be alone forever? i start worrying about my mom, too. when i'm 50, she'll be 80... and realizing that makes me fearful over how many years we might have left together. will she still be here in 11 years when i turn 60? what about when i turn 55? maybe (her mother lived to 90), maybe not. this is the math that frequently creeps into my consciousness as i'm trying to get to sleep. and will we ever get back to florida? who knows.

need more? here's more! i've also been worrying about my income, or lack thereof. yes, i have a year's salary saved (yay!) and just finished a six-week assignment that helped put some $$ back in the bank (also yay!), which means i don't have to stress too much right now. but i'm a planner and like to think far ahead. so i'm already looking towards 2021. and 2022. will i be able to find work? when? from whom? doing what? if i can't get a freelance-writing gig, what will i do?

and that all circles back to the childhood dreams of writing movies and TV shows. THAT can be a lucrative career, but it's suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper-hard to succeed. if i could write a great screenplay or teleplay -- or even book -- and get it sold, that's a year's salary right there! but it's a gigantic "if."

the inertia of the past several weeks has (thankfully) been punctuated by fleeting moments of "no, wait, i CAN do this! i CAN get something amazing written! i'm gonna start tomorrow! tomorrow's gonna be the day i get back on track and get writing!"

but many tomorrows have come and gone, and not a word was writ.

until today.

because i knew that i would keep coming up with excuses not to write, or not to get back on the creativity horse, unless i actually WROTE SOMETHING.

my goal for today was small and simple: write something for the blog. just sit down and write. so here i am.

and, hopefully, this will act as a micro-defibrillator for the part of my brain that oversees creativity and words and writing, getting those neurons and pathways fired up and running again... which, in turn, will hopefully spur more writing, which will beget more writing... and so on.

your TL;DR takeaway for this long, rambling, directionless word salad: i gotta get writing again, and this blog post is step one.

i gotta get back to those three screenplay outlines i wrote at the start of 2020 and get at least one of them turned into an actual script before december 31st. i'm putting it out there (well, out here) in the hopes of making it happen by sharing it. willing it into existence. or, at least, willing myself into action. please feel free to harass me on occasion and ask how they're going -- being accountable to others always makes me much more productive and motivated than i would otherwise be if i were only accountable to myself.

to me, getting back on that writing horse, especially with all this virus-induced social distancing and excessive amounts of time to work on something meaningful, might help calm some of the anxiety. alleviate some of the regret. ease some of the worry.

i think i owe it to myself to make a better, more concerted effort. i certainly owe it to my younger self. and the self i'm gonna be next year at this time. when i'm 50. (FIFTY!)

the secret railroad

there used to be a rail line that ran through what is now a large industrial park near my neighbourhood. some research reveals that line was built in 1884, and a station built in 1894. the latter was in use until the 1970s and the line itself until the 1980s.

when i go for walks through this area, fragments of this rail line's history can still be found. an abandoned train car where no train cars should be, for starters. but also remnants of the actual tracks, which can still be found here and there.

so, back in early april, i took photos of some of the railway reminders i spotted while out on a walk. and here they are.

this track remnant crosses a street from one curb to the other, but nothing beyond either curb.

another curb-to-curb section of track, but this one continues (in pieces) towards the trucks in the distance.

this is my favourite fragment because it's small and is kind of hidden/obscured by the grass.
plus, it has a distinct end point, which makes me wonder if this was a piece of one of the "parking" track offshoots
where a train might sit overnight. who knows.

deeply personal anonymity

[disclaimer: please let the record show that this post was actually started a week or so ago, and subsequently thwarted when i spilled a glass of water all over my desk mid-post. some water found its way into my keyboard – i thought everything was fine and kept right on typing, but then hit the "delete" key to fix a typo and... it just kept deleting. i couldn't stop it. it feverishly ate half of what i'd written before i finally copied what was left of the rapidly disappearing text and THAT got the cursor to stop eating my words. anyway, onwards...]

the internet is a funny thing. last weekend, someone i don't know died. i mean, i knew him as much as anyone can know someone else when you're both engaged in a discussion on an anonymous online forum. and i actually cried when i found out about his death. but we didn't really "know" each other – he didn't know my name, or anything about me or anyone else, really.

in the nearly two years that he posted about his situation in a discussion thread on that forum, i felt like i (and other anonymous posters) got to know a side of him that he admitted he kept hidden from his family and friends. he was a pop artist -- successful enough that his work hangs in some prominent places across the U.S.

a former executive, he'd left the corporate world behind to follow his creative dreams in tennessee. he was 61 years old when he first started posting, had just been diagnosed with cancer and was thinking that maybe he should end it all rather than subject himself to treatment and surgery – the repercussions of which would dramatically affect his quality of life and not necessarily guarantee he'd be cured... or even survive.

this particular online forum, which i've been a part of for more than 20 years, is known for typically being a harsh, often snarky and sometimes downright mean space. but, occasionally, it boasts the brightest beams of compassion and light. this particular thread did. it brought out the best in the posters who commented – posts were filled with support, encouragement, care, humour (occasionally much-loved gallows humour) and kindness. brian shared his name and his website with the group, removing his anonymity. early on in the thread, he even offered small (free) paintings to any of us who wanted one, just as token of his thanks for our support. i am kicking myself for never taking him up on it – and not just because his paintings typically sell for several thousand dollars.

he'd been saying for a while that his doctors had told him his death would likely be quite sudden, and his prognosis had long been poor. over the past few months, he'd been having issues with pain management. but his spirits were usually pretty high, given his circumstance. he faced his surgery (which he did wind up having and which was ultimately unsuccessful), his treatments (debilitating and also unhelpful in the end), and his future with such grace and dignity. it was almost matter-of-fact: ah well, nothing's worked, so i guess i'll be on my way out, soon... but i'm going to keep painting while i'm here!

his last post to the group, roughly two weeks ago, was that he'd been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and was in extreme pain. his last words to us fellow posters? "wish me luck, gang!"

some of us knew what he meant and wished him a peaceful journey. some thanked him for everything he'd brought into their lives. others said they hoped he'd bounce back soon.

he never posted again.

after that last post, i started keeping an eye on the obituaries in his area. since his family and friends were unaware of the discussion thread, i didn't think we'd find out if/when he passed away otherwise. although i hoped he'd be back posting in the thread ("hoo-boy that was a scare! i'm back!"), last week, i found his obit and posted it to the group.

many of us were sad but relieved he was no longer suffering. some of the posters were devastated (almost to an unsettling degree) to learn of his passing – and it drove home how connected we can become online, even to people we will never know or never meet. none of us knew brian personally, but we'd shared this collective experience for almost two years. and, for some, that connection was clearly quite profound.

for me, it was nice to be a part of his life, even anonymously, for a little while. that's one of his paintings above. not surprisingly, his bright, cheerful, whimsical style is right up my alley.

what's up?

since i have to wait for my dryer to stop before i can head out for a walk on this extremely cold and windy may morning, i thought i'd take some time to fill you in on what's been going on of late.

let's start from this morning and work our way backwards!

my tasty gryfe's bagels of a few weeks ago ran out on thursday, so i decided yesterday that i'd head out really early this morning (as in: out the door by 6:45am) to procure some more. but at about 6:43am, gracie decided to throw up all over my bed -- which, thankfully, i'd already made. (aside: gracie throws up whenever she eats kibbles and then drinks water too soon afterwards. that's what happened today.) i was getting ready to put on my shoes when i heard the distinct GLUG-GLUG-GLUG sound gracie makes right before she heaves, and knew it was coming from the bedroom. i ran in, but it was too late -- she'd hurled right on the bed.

and the very watery vomit (mixed with undigested kibble) instantly soaked through the cotton bedspread, duvet cover and into the duvet before i could stop it, meaning i had to scrap my leave-early plan to take care of the throw-up clean-up. removal of the soiled items and liberal soaking in oxy cleaner followed, and i managed to get out the door by 7:10am. still, my morning was thrown off.

most things in toronto are still closed, so the roads were still nicely empty as i drove to the bakery. i parked, went to the meter and dropped in a quarter... at which point the meter THEN started blinking "out of order." since it was so early, i reasoned that i likely wouldn't be ticketed and took my chances. i arrived at the bakery entrance, waited my turn and went in. i order the usual -- a dozen poppy-seed bagels -- and then, just as i was about to pay, added, "you know, i've never tried your sesame-seed bagels, so may i also have two of those?"

and the nice woman working the cash threw them in for free! SCORE! we had a nice chat about the business -- happily, gryfe's huge corporate/grocery orders have not changed, so they're doing fine (PHEW!) -- and the stresses of COVID-19, then i headed home. when i got back to joel: no ticket. yay!

and now, as i type this, i am enjoying a fluffy, chewy poppy-seed bagel (completely plain) with a coke, the best way to have these bagels when they're fresh! actually, i lie: the best way is to have one plain with a barq's root beer. THAT is heavenly.

now, going backwards...

• today is the day mom and i would have left for our annual trip to florida. and, had we done so, it would have been the coldest departure date ever -- the wind chill this morning was -6ºC (!) and it's been snowing (!!) off and on. no accumulation, thankfully, but still. i know mom's really sad that we're not in florida. tomorrow will be the first mother's day in 20+ years that she WON'T be there, won't be starting the day with a walk on the beach, won't be wandering countryside mall in the afternoon, won't be looking for dolphins in the intracoastal waterway. i, too, am bummed and desperately miss my morning swims in the empty pool. *sigh*

• for mother's day, i'm making mom homemade turtles and stovetop popcorn (both of which she loves). YB is picking up slices of mom's favourite torte from her favourite european bakery, and making her a couple of cloth face masks. we picked up a bottle of her favourite moisturizer (which she asks for each year) and will be dropping everything off tomorrow.

• this weekend would have also marked the conclusion of hot docs 2020. the festival announced this week that it would be running a scaled-down online-only event starting on may 28, but i've browsed the films they'll be screening and only a handful sound appealing. many of the docs i'd hoped to see won't be part of the online festival, and each film will cost $9 (+ tax) to view... so i think i'll be skipping the "festival" entirely this year. *sigh again* BUT, in some ways, it's handy that the festival isn't running, because...

• i've been working! for the first time in 2020! (and i wouldn't have been able to take on the assignment if i'd been eye-deep in documentaries.) one of my former editors emailed me a few weeks ago and asked if i'd be available to help with a fairly sizeable project... to which i replied, "erm, i'm not doing anything at all, so YES, i'm totally available!" the gig involves rewriting a bunch of content from his company's website and elsewhere, and it's all science-related. he'd warned me it wouldn't be very exciting, but i'm actually really enjoying it and learning a lot! his company matches post-grad university researchers with companies looking to do research, and they specialize in stuff like clean technology and artificial intelligence... so it's all been unexpectedly cool. it also means a good chunk of money and about four weeks' worth of work. of course, this same editor is the one who offered me a five-week gig back in 2011, which then stretched into eight years. so, who knows!

• happily, i've still been going for hour-long walks most days, and have been enjoying turning random corners in my neighbourhood and discovering brand new (to me) streets/routes. i've stumbled upon some really pretty areas, cool houses, fun sidewalk art. and the colder, windier weather of the past week has cut down on the number of other pedestrians and cyclists i encounter, which has been nice. it also helps that i've started going for my walks before breakfast (as i typically do in summer when it's too hot to go after about 8:30am), when barely anyone is out. it's incredibly peaceful, even when the weather is blustery.

• it's funny how uneasy i get now when i'm around anyone not wearing a mask or face covering, especially when grocery shopping. i'm not sure what's so hard for people to understand: if *everyone* covers their face, the spread of the virus can be dramatically slowed down. yesterday, i went to one grocery store that doesn't (yet) have a "no mask, no entry" policy, and was surprised how many people (staff and shoppers) were mask-less. it was disappointing. then i walked to another grocery store a few blocks away, where masks are mandatory, and felt so much more relaxed. i feel like mask policies will become a must across the board, retail-wise, and will be what eventually allows society to return to some degree of normalcy.

• there is a serious snow squall happening outside my window right now. on may 9th. in toronto.

time to take out the dryer load and throw in the next one...

sock it to me

first, a quick update: remember those bright-green winter-hiking boots that were the source of such sturm und drang for months? and how they eventually dropped in price, but ultimately didn't fit right?

well, the retailer from whom i'd purchased (and subsequently returned) those boots had a MASSSIVE sale over the weekend, and the price of the boots dropped to $30 (!!!!!!!!!!!). THIRTY DOLLARS. for boots that were originally $300. WHAT?! for $30, i'd put up with a slightly wonky fit, or maybe order a half-size up... but, sadly, by the time i found out about the sale and checked the store's website, only one gigantic-sized pair was left for sale. fin.

now,  moving on...

SOCKS!

as noted in a previous post, my time in self-isolation has left me missing the act of browsing in stores. meandering. perusing. window shopping. and, as the weeks have gone on, i've also come to yearn for random impulse buys. nothing extravagant or anything, just the odd item you toss in your shopping basket because you stumbled upon it and it looked cool or fun or useful or whatever.

so it was that, one day a few weeks ago, i clicked on a facebook ad for a sock company that had some kooky socks. i poked around their site but wasn't overly impressed. the socks were expensive. they weren't a canadian company. blah blah blah. onwards.

thing is, when you click on ANY facebook ad, the site's algorithms take note and your FB feed soon becomes populated with ads for OTHER companies offering the same (or related) products.

click on a petsmart ad? suddenly become inundated with ads for pet valu or petco or etsy shops selling coffee mugs with "i love my beagle" on them.

click on a winterlicious ad? find yourself drowning in ads for every restaurant in your city that's participating in winterlicious.

and so on.

unsurprisingly, therefore, it was only a matter of minutes before my facebook feed found itself targeted by sock-company ads. but, much to my surprise, one ad in particular resonated with me.

it was an ad for a company called soxy. they were having a "pay what you want" (!) sale on ALL their inventory as a way of keeping their employees working. the socks in the accompanying image were STUNNING in their bizarrely patterned beauty -- bright colours, cool patterns, everything right up my fun-sock-loving alley. (it's their products which are pictured above.)

so i clicked on THAT ad. their click-bait-sale ad worked.

and it led me to the company website: a magical land of gorgeous, unique, lust-worthy socks in a dizzying variety of colours and patterns. i'm a fan of all things geometric, and their selection was vast. i lost myself for a good hour just browsing all the options.

then i checked out the "pay what you want" sale. turns out, customers have four options: 45% off, 25% off, 10% off or full price -- and for any full-price sale, the company said it would donate a free pair to healthcare workers. not a bad deal, i thought. not to mention a clever way of ensuring their virtual doors stay open.

the socks themselves are not cheap. a single pair runs about $12, with bundles ranging from $35 (for three pairs) to $55 (for five pairs). still, $11 for a pair of socks is steeeeeeeeeeeep (for me, anyway). i typically buy my stripy or patterned socks at dollar tree. if i decide to splurge, it might be on a $2.50 pair at walmart. but $11? nope.

still, there was that 45%-off option. if i bought two $55 bundles and applied the discount code, my order would come to $60.50... so, just over $6 a pair.

plus, i'd qualify for free shipping (phew) AND i'd get a free bonus pair of my choosing (yay!) thrown in just for being a first-time customer. 11 pairs of socks for $60.50 would drop the per-pair price down to $5.50. not a steal, but not too bad considering the sheer beauty of the socks i'd chosen. plus, i reasoned that i could give my mom and YB each a pair to boost their spirits. and, heck, we're eye-deep in a pandemic -- we deserve some expensive fun socks!

but nowhere on the site did it indicate whether the company was canadian or american, nor whether the prices were in CDN or USD. with the exchange rate being abysmal, those are two key factors for any canadian shopping online these days.

eventually, after putting the bundles in my shopping cart, i discovered the prices were in USD... because those three letters suddenly appeared next to my items in the cart.

ah. okay, time to redo the math.

using the exchange rate at the time (+38%), plus the foreign-transaction fee a credit card company would then apply on top (1%), my USD$60.50 order would suddenly balloon to CDN$84.10. throw in the sales tax (i figured around 7%) and i'd be at about CDN$90.

CDN$90 for 11 pairs of socks means each pair would be just over $8.

suddenly, a lot less appealing.

also, receiving a $90-in-value order from a U.S. address would also mean i'd be hit with duties.

FFS. why even bother at this point?

i abandoned my sock plan and moved on with my life.

but those soxy ads kept popping up in my FB feed. those beautiful socks kept tempting me. taunting me. every day. multiple times a day. i told YB of this saga. she laughed and said, "if you want the socks, you should just buy them anyway. it's a pandemic. no one is going to judge you."

i hemmed. i hawed. much like those expensive green boots, could i really justify (to myself) paying roughly $10 a pair for SOCKS that i don't really need????

as a writer, i fell back on old habits: research. i did some digging and found out the company was started by two friends in... TORONTO! socre! maybe the socks would ship from canada, then, and i'd be spared the duty! i started to reconsider.

to be 100% sure of what to expect, and to avoid any sudden added expenses i might incur if i went ahead with an order, i decided to contact their customer-service department to inquire about the shipping origin. so, i sent them an email and waited. i got an auto-reply within a few minutes, advising that they'd received my email and someone would get back to me within two business days.

five business days passed and i didn't hear anything from anyone.

so i sent a follow-up email.

no response.

that was more than a week ago. i started to sour on the whole idea. who wants to buy from a company that doesn't respond to your inquiry -- AS a prospective customer ready to buy the stuff they're selling! -- after two attempts over two weeks?

in the interim, i started to read the comments on the ubiquitous FB ads that were still filling my feed. while the majority were complimentary ("i love these socks!"), there were some that could be filed squarely in the "disgruntled consumer" category. in fact, there were a few from people who said they ordered socks, the price was charged to their credit cards, but no socks had been received. in fact, no socks had been shipped even though those orders had been placed a couple of weeks ago.

zero response from the company to any of the comments. zero response from the company to posts from customers asking questions on their FB page.

and, as of this posting, still zero response from the company to my two emails.

as someone who's worked in content marketing for the past eight years, i can tell you that a company that ignores its customers on social media is making a critical error. if you have a social-media presence, you're supposed to use it... otherwise, your lack of response is viewable by everyone (like me) who checks out your posts. and you start to look a bit sketchy. or, at the very least, apathetic to your customers.

in the end (yes, we've finally reached it -- thanks for hangin' in!), i didn't buy the socks.

i didn't feel like supporting a company that, it turns out, isn't *really* a "small, family-run business" (as its FB ads declare), but a multi-million-dollar corporation. and one that, apparently, doesn't actually care whether i buy from them or not, anyway.

[TL;DR -- i overthink everything. and i saw some really pretty socks online, thought about buying them, but didn't.]

found art: a photo essay

yesterday, during my daily walk through the neighbourhood, i took a slightly different route and stumbled upon an alleyway full of enormous, stunningly beautiful graffiti.

toronto has many well-known, oft-photographed "graffiti alleys" -- the most famous of which frequently plays host to rick mercer's rants (that particular rant is seven years old but still timely!) -- but i was unaware that this one existed. and so close to home, no less.

so, i pulled out my little point-and-shoot and tried to snag some images. it was hard to capture the full splendor properly because a lot of the art is on the south side of the alley, which means it's backlit almost all of the time. but here we go...

this first shot is of a series of garage doors, each in a different style. i'm not sure if one artist painted them all or if each one was created by a different person, but i found them all striking.
(there was no way to shoot them head-on due to space, so this was the best i could manage.)

another garage door. i'm not really sure what's happening between these two -- are they dancing? fighting? was she dancing and he's trying to stop her? -- but i liked how simple and stark
this piece was compared to all the others in the vicinity.

these flowers are actually huge. if you look closely, you can see the cables running from the top-right corner, which will give you a better sense of scale. they covered a two-storey wall.

see what i mean about backlighting? alas. the owl and the adjacent colourful swirls were
really cool, especially juxtaposed against the swimmer and her friends.

i loved how the metallic staircase cut through the swirls and the dragon, and how it was all framed by the second-floor-deck fence. the garbage and recycling cans
tucked in the bottom corner were a nice touch, too.

speaking of garbage and recycling bins... i liked how these ones were lined up under that gorgeous flower. (lucky tenants: each one gets his or her own bin!)

this one is my favourite because it's just kind of there, randomly, along a stretch of fence.
obviously painted by whoever painted all the other swirls in the other pieces.

and those shots are just a sampling. the alley only runs about a block but is filled with art. it was a lovely discovery.

pot-pourri

• social isolation is starting to make me irritable, i think. as time drags on, and i'm holed up at home week after week, more and more things are starting to annoy me. silly things. friends posting too often on facebook, or sharing incorrect information, or linking to iffy sites/businesses without first verifying they're legit. i scroll through my feed and find myself mentally judging people more harshly than i should.

• at the same time, i think i'm slowly growing desensitized to the trauma and sadness of the global situation. i'm no longer moved by videos of things like healthcare workers doing choreographed dances or clips of grandkids visiting their grandparents through panes of glass. i don't go outside to clap for frontline workers every night at 7:30 (to be honest, my entire neighbourhood is totally silent -- it seems no one is out there making noise at the designated hour). i no longer seek out news about the pandemic, and barely watch CNN anymore. it seems i've grown a bit numb to it all, especially the grief porn that flooded the airwaves for a while, wherein every news outlet was trying to out-sad the competition by finding the most tragic COVID cases to share with the public. oh, and for the record, i'm so over hearing "lean on me" and "amazing grace" sung by... anyone.

• yet, weirdly, i find myself moved by some of the commercials circulating out there. it seems advertising agencies have (for now, anyway) found their sweet spot in targeting me as a consumer. so, while i don't really tear up at the news, i do find myself getting misty because of, say, the Uber ad (asking people to stay home and *not* use Uber), or the IKEA tribute to "home," or the apple commercial highlighting creativity. i think it's partly due to the message and the smart use of the right music, but also me being impressed with how inventive advertisers can be when they can't actually shoot anything (with pro equipment) themselves at the moment, and have to rely on shared footage shot on mobile devices.

• gracie is stressed, i think. she, like me, is sensitive, and i think she's picking up on my discontent and the general uneasiness of the world at large. for the past couple of weeks, she's been on and off her food -- some days, she eats normally; other days, she picks at her food all day and doesn't consume a full serving of anything. i need to order a new flavour (salmon) of her wet food from petsmart to see if that'll hit the spot. i know she's just being fussy and that she DOES have an appetite -- if i sprinkle crushed treats on her wet food, she *will* begrudgingly eat it. but i test drove a single can of salmon several weeks back, just before everything shut down, and she loved it. and, of course, she will ALWAYS eat treats on their own. so, we'll see.

• on a more positive note, i'm working on a drawing to send to a creative friend, who's started hosting crafting-for-kids videos on youtube and who invited his viewers to submit drawings to accompany a fun poem he wrote. so, yesterday i sketched my image, and today i'll ink it and colour it in. i've already told him to expect a contribution from me, so we'll see if it makes it into the follow-up video.

• as the weather gets nicer, the sidewalks in my neighbourhood are getting busier, making my almost-daily walks more challenging in terms of avoiding others. i loooove long stretches of empty sidewalks, not sidewalks cluttered with parents wheeling strollers, kids on bikes, couples walking dogs and the like. so, on a whim, i decided to seek out solitude and explore the industrial wasteland nearby. it's filled with lots of factories and warehouses and construction sites, but is virtually devoid of humans. the other day, i ventured through and felt like i'd struck gold: NO ONE WAS AROUND. occasionally, a car or truck would rumble past on the road, but the sidewalks were virtually barren, save for the odd worker popping out to get a coffee. BINGO. it's not the most scenic route, but -- despite the industrial nature of the area -- is, strangely, much more serene than the residential streets i'd been frequenting. hopefully, the area remains a walker's secret for a little while longer.

shopping mauled

yesterday, i threw out my lower back.

while standing still.

i was at the kitchen sink, finishing the dishes, and was about to head out towards the living room. i started to take a step and BAM! my lower back totally seized up. i hadn't done anything extreme, hadn't moved or twisted or turned in any kind of weird way... it just happened.

and i know why: because, earlier in the day, i'd gone grocery shopping.

more specifically, i'd stood in line repeatedly and for extended periods of time while grocery shopping.

and, as often happens during film festivals (where standing in line for an hour or more is de rigueur), my lower back gave out from all that standing.

*sigh*

shopping of any kind used to be fun. grocery shopping. shoe shopping. clothes shopping. whatever.

once upon a time before the world went haywire, i loved going shopping. not to buy things -- because i'm not a shopper so much as i am a browser -- but just to wander. to look. to be out in the world. to see what was new. to people watch. to grab a snack. to spend time with my mom. heck, YB and i love shopping so much we'd actually drive to another country just to do it!

it was a source of stress relief.

now, it's just a source of stress.

gone (for now) are the days of on-a-whim walking to one of the four major grocery stores in my neighbourhood to pick up a few essentials. or one essential. or no essentials. or spending a saturday out on a mini road trip with YB, hitting up shops in newmarket or markham or mississauga or port hope, just for kicks.

shopping has morphed into an ominous, time-consuming, military-operation-esque undertaking.

now, i have to plan: what do i NEED to get? which store is least likely to be insanely busy? which one will have the shortest lines? which store is most likely to be well-stocked, so that i can get everything in one place and not have to repeat the whole lining-up process someplace else?

i have to write down every single i need to get, and then consult that list frequently while in store, because shopping has become so overwhelming and psychologically chaotic that, without the list, i'd completely forget EVERYTHING the minute i'm (finally) allowed through the store doors.

there are signs and tape and guidelines posted everywhere. "line up over here," "maintain a six-foot distance," "cashless payments only," "don't touch items and put them back," "now stand over here," "no, HERE"... and so on. hours are restricted. items are limited. shoppers are all wandering around anxiously -- some wearing masks and gloves, others not, everyone looking much more tense than they would have been, say, six months ago. occasionally, there's a sense of camaraderie when encountering someone else as you both wait to get in or check out -- "isn't this crazy? how long have you been waiting? oh, it's my turn! stay well!" -- but it feels like most people are now too nervous to engage with a stranger in the cereal aisle, even momentarily and from a safe distance.

huge swaths of store shelves are empty. did you need flour? tough luck. it's gone and it's been gone for weeks. want pasta? you have a 50/50 chance of it being in stock when you arrive. rice? nope! salt? maybe. eggs, milk, bread? so far,  no issues (knock on wood)... but if any of those things are on sale, you'd best get there early or risk going home empty-handed.

speaking of sales, i no longer have the desire to seek out the best deal. and, as a life-long frugal shopper, that's really tough for me. i LOVE a bargain. i love seeking out the lowest prices. in the past, i'd go to multiple stores to get specific items (on sale) at each: frozen fish at loblaws, sweet potatoes at sobey's, ice cream at longo's, shampoo at no frills... etc.

now, because i've grown to dread shopping, i choose the store that has the greatest number of sale items and just do all my shopping (for everything) there, higher prices on non-sale items be damned. i'm positive i'm spending more as a result (paying more than 99¢ for a package of pasta PAINS me), but after finishing at one store, the thought of having to repeat the process somewhere else is not at all appealing.

then there are the lines. lines to get in. lines at different counters. lines to pay. so much standing. yesterday, between two stores and four lines, i probably wound up standing in place for over an hour. (i should note that i did run into some neighbours in the parking lot of store #2, and wound up standing outside with them, chatting -- easily ten feet apart -- for an additional half hour.) i do not like standing in line. my lower back does not like me standing in line.

did i mention i don't enjoy grocery shopping right now?

and i'm not alone. no one, it seems, is enjoying grocery shopping anymore. after several weeks of staying at home and having YB or me do her shopping for her, and despite every medical and governmental official telling seniors to please stay at home for their own safety, my mother decided to suit up (mask and gloves) and do her own grocery shopping last weekend. we'd cautioned her that it was not like the shopping experience she knew -- things would be VERY different and decidedly unfun. she decided to go anyway.

so, she went. i encouraged her to please go during the dedicated "senior hours" so that she'd at least be spared the longest lines and most stressful shopping times. she agreed, did her shopping, got everything she wanted... and then said she wasn't going again until things were back to normal(ish). one trip was all it took to scare her straight. she did not enjoy it. at all.

who can blame her? it's not enjoyable. on the upside (?), it has served as a super-effective deterrent to me leaving home to shop.

this pandemic has sucked on multiple levels and for many reasons. but turning me into a giant stressball whenever i have to get milk or restock my juice supply has probably been one of the suckiest.

pardon me while i get the heating pad and some tylenol.

oh, fer... what fresh hell is this?

when i'm stressed, my body does weird things.

as previously discussed, my digestive system goes all wonky and behaves as though it's trying to kill me with pain. that's been a pretty reliable barometer of stress for me over the years. but then there are the seemingly random, bizarre, inexplicable side effects that have run the gamut.

during the height of my work-related stress a number of years ago, i had myriad ailments... all caused by stress. there were the oral mucoceles -- teeny-tiny little water-filled blisters (about the size of sesame seed) that would form on the roof of my mouth, way at the back, usually after i ate something salty (like chips) or zesty (like tomato sauce). with my tongue, i could feel them appear. there was no remedy or treatment save for patience: they'd arrive one at a time, then eventually vanish after a couple of days. then another would appear. and so on. i can't remember when it all began or when exactly it ended, but one day they just didn't show up anymore. and haven't since.

there was that area on my back -- middle of the left side, sort of around the kidney -- that would randomly go all pins-and-needles tingly, like when one of your extremities goes numb and then "wakes up." the tingliness would be fleeting, lasting less than a minute, and there was no rhyme or reason to when it would appear, though it seemed to pop up more often in the mornings. long story short: i had a bunch of tests, went to a neurologist and the best guess anyone had was that maybe i was momentarily irritating a nerve somehow.

those tingles also just went away one day. they still happen on occasion, but not very often.

then there was what my useless former family doctor (dr. textbook) misdiagnosed as ringworm (!). it was a rash on my left forearm, just below the elbow crease. it had started as one teeny red bump but eventually grew to be about two inches in diameter. i jokingly called it my "stress rash."

i nonetheless went to dr. textbook to get a proper diagnosis.

she took one look at it -- from across the room -- and told me i had ringworm.

what the WHAT?! how on earth did i ever contract ringworm????

i was panicked. if you don't know a lot about ringworm (as i didn't at the time), lemme tell you a few key facts: it's a fungus, it's very contagious and you basically have to wash everything you own in scalding hot water all of the time in order to kill it and prevent anyone else from catching it. you also have to apply fungicide to the affected area to kill what's already living on your skin.

so, dr. textbook prescribed a fungicide and off i went.

i applied it, washed all my clothes and bed linens in eight-thousand-degree water, and made sure to keep my arm malaria far away from anyone. i was nervous about sleeping over at YB's place, or even sitting in her living room in short sleeves, because i didn't want to infect her or larry (since cats can catch and spread ringworm, too).

for weeks, i was hyper-vigilant... and the rash kept growing. AND spreading! a similar rash appeared on my right forearm, then another patch near my right elbow. what the EFF?!?

i went back to dr. textbook, who seemed perplexed (shocker). she referred me to a dermatologist and said maybe it wasn't ringworm, after all. gee, YA THINK?!

while i waited for my appointment with the dermatologist, i consulted dr. google, who suggested (via multiple websites) that my rash might actually be eczema.

eczema requires moisture moisture moisture moisture. know what ringworm needs? to be DRIED OUT.

so, i started saturating all the rash spots with moisture -- specifically, coconut oil. and, very slowly, the rashes started to shrink and looked a lot less angry. by the time i saw the dermatologist, the rashes had improved dramatically. the dermatologist took one look at them and said, "that's not ringworm. it's eczema." (so, basically, i'd made them worse while following dr. textbook's guidance.) he said to keep doing what i'd been doing with the coconut oil, but to come back if the rashes were still there in a month.

they weren't.

and, knock on wood, they never recurred.

all this to say: when i'm under stress, my body often sends up attention-grabbing signal flares.

so it was that, earlier today after i'd finished lunch, i thought i had a piece of rice stuck under my tongue. i tried to maneuver it out *with* my tongue, to no avail, and then realized: what if it's not a piece of rice? i felt around with my finger -- there was a smooth round bump. i immediately went to the bathroom mirror, raised my tongue and there it was: a blister -- about the size of a small kernel of corn -- filled with blood.

fer cryin' out loud. where did THAT come from?!?! it wasn't there this morning, i don't remember "injuring" that spot in any way... argh.

i consulted dr. google, who informed me that blood blisters in the mouth aren't a big deal and will resolve on their own. and while reading the various reasons one might form -- among them, scraping your mouth with crunchy food, or undergoing chemotherapy -- there it was: stress.

and so i wait. ::: eyeroll :::

things i miss right now

• hugs... actually, human contact of any kind

• hanging out with YB and larry

• wandering through a shopping mall or a grocery store just to wander

• press screenings

• eating at a restaurant

• sunday lunch at my parents' house (and the dessert and the leftovers)

• planning for florida

• not feeling tense anytime i'm within ten feet of another human

• not immediately wanting to scream at other humans who are not at least ten feet apart from each other

• having my hair cut

• lobby or hallway chats with my neighbours

• turning on the TV and hearing about news that isn't virus-related

• work... routine... a schedule... normalcy.

gut feelings

ugh, my tummy hurts.

well, not so much my tummy as my intestines. crampy, stabby pain, off and on. and it's been going on for about a week.

this is a flare up of IBS, something that hadn't really bothered me much over the past two years or so. before that, and for about three or four years straight (i lost count), i'd have frequent recurrent bouts of this intense abdominal pain. nothing else, just pain. sometimes so severe that i'd have to leave the office to come home. i still vividly remember trying to sit through a screening of Spotlight at a movie theatre while dealing with severe cramps, not wanting to leave because i was there with a friend.

no matter what i did during those years -- changing my diet, getting more/less exercise, taking fibre, not taking fibre, using digestive enzymes, taking peppermint capsules, chewing on fennel seeds, drinking gallons of water, trying every herbal tea/remedy out there, whatever -- nothing helped. the more i focused on the pain, the worse it got. at least once a month i'd wind up doubled over with gut pain that would last anywhere from two days to more than a week. then, magically and very suddenly, it would just... completely disappear... and i'd be totally, 100% fine for a few weeks before it returned.

[fun fact: there was a period of several months several years ago, during the flare-iest of flare-up times, when the pain would hit every day between 3 and 4pm, for no discernible reason. no matter what i did, what/when i ate, the pain showed up like clockwork. not even the gastroenterologist could explain any physical reason for that weird schedule!]

i had multiple tests, including a colonoscopy, to check for any abnormalities that might be causing the pain, but everything came back normal. through a process of elimination, the culprit was determined to be stress + hormonal changes... which, in turn, were causing my digestive system to malfunction.

once my stress levels came down, and i started taking an IBS-targeted probiotic, things improved significantly. i also started eating a lot more protein. i began paying closer attention to what i was consuming and when, and made sure to ease up on anything potentially problematic (like a giant burrito) if it felt like my insides were getting a teeny bit squirrelly or if it was getting near period time. and everything simmered down.

unfortunately, this past week, it's all come back. i'm on about day seven of this flare up and am ready for it to be over. some days, the pain has crept in by mid-morning; other days, it hasn't showed up until that "magical" 3pm hour, sneaking in with a swift kick to the midsection as the afternoon winds down.

i figure it has to do with all the COVID-19 upheaval, the change to my routine, the isolation and the overall uncertainty of the future. and, looking back, i'd probably loosened up on my dietary vigilance in the preceding months, which likely didn't help matters. i'd also been eating way less protein for the past six weeks or so, because sunday dinners chez my parents -- at which we'd typically have some sort of chicken dish and i'd take leftovers home -- haven't happened. and, as documented in an earlier blog post, my hormones have been all over the map. most of the key ingredients for a flare-up = done!

the weird thing is: while i'd definitely been feeling a bit anxious over the past few weeks, i wasn't feeling as stressed or tired as i was back in the dark days of the years-long flare-ups.

blerg. fingers crossed it's over shortly. the flare-ups, even at their worst (and there were some BAD times several years ago), have never lasted more than eight or nine days, so i should be done shortly. it's been a reminder that i need to pay better attention to where my mind and body are; to tweak my diet a bit (more protein, fewer cookies!); to keep myself pleasantly distracted; and to work on getting my stress/anxiety -- even if it's subconscious -- dialled down a touch.

to sleep, perchance to... write?

despite everything, i've been sleeping really well the past few nights. i've always had good "sleep hygiene" – i'm pretty diligent about my bedtime (10pm) and my wake-up time (usually 6:15am, without an an alarm), i keep my bedroom cool, i don't use my iPad after 8pm, i don't have much caffeine, etc. – and usually only have poor sleep due to excess hormonal changes or stress. and ever since i started taking L-theanine for the latter, i've also slept more soundly and deeply.

so, it's been a pleasant and somewhat unexpected surprise that the overall chaos of the world at the moment hasn't adversely impacted my sleepy sleeps. or at least not yet, KNOCK ON WOOD. (note: "sleepy sleeps" is what i say to gracie when i want her to go to sleep. "it's time for sleepy sleeps... did you have good sleepy sleeps?... etc.," said in a sing-songy voice.) ANYWAY...

for the past three or four nights, i've slept especially well. i suspect it has to do with the exercise i've been getting: 75- to 80-minute walks, often at what i call a "power walk" pace, along mostly empty sidewalks, paths, roads and the like. it's been sunny and dry most days this past week, so i've been getting out almost every day for these walks, and i think it's been good for my brain and my body.

and two nights ago, as i was drifting off to sleep, i mentally composed this really great (or, "really great" as far as my almost-asleep mind was concerned, anyway) paragraph. or poem. not sure what it was. but i told myself i would FOR SURE remember it in the morning because it was too good not to remember.

yeah. well.

here's what i remember: whatever it was was poetic and imagery-driven. it had to do with isolation in this perilous time, and how wonderful it will feel when we can all be physically close again. stand together again. celebrate again. touch again. hug again. and the last line of whatever it was contained the phrase "defibrillator for the soul."

in hindsight, i wish i'd gotten up and written down whatever was swirling in my head. though, in the cold light of day, it might have revealed itself a tetch less amazing in reality than it did as a notion in that dopey, dreamy haze.

the numbers

these days, a lot of people are on edge. nervous. anxious. panicked. and although i try to maintain an even(ish) keel as best i can, my anxiety can creep in quite easily if left unchecked.

so, lately, in those moments where i feel myself starting to spiral into a fear vortex, i've found it helpful to look at the numbers. the facts. not what i think might happen or worry could happen, but the numbers and the facts.

and when i say "numbers," i don't mean the omnipresent COVID-19 case- and death-count tickers tucked on many a website and cable-news channel of late, but other numbers that help put those ticker tallies into a more mentally manageable context.

right now, every news broadcast begins with the latest info on how many more people have been found to be infected with COVID-19; how many more people died; and how many cases were discovered in a given city, province, state, country, continent or the world at large.

and seeing those numbers go up every day, often every hour, can feel very very scary.

imagine if they did that with heart-disease statistics every day -- tracking the numbers, leading with updates every night on the six o'clock news.

per the CDC, one person in the U.S. dies EVERY 37 SECONDS from heart disease. that's more than one death per minute! more than 647,000 americans die every year from heart disease -- that works out to more than 1700 people (!) PER DAY. so far, even the worst-hit countries, such as italy, haven't had COVID-19 numbers that bad. (and, per an NIH study, 99% of italians who died from COVID-19 had underlying health issues.)

so, why aren't the heart-disease stats newsworthy? why isn't everyone freaking out at those numbers?

because it's hard to sensationalize heart disease. it's not contagious, it doesn't spread from person to person, and it's familiar. it's much easier to be scared of the unknown (COVID-19) than the known.

putting numbers into perspective has helped calm me down in moments of distress.

more numbers that help? populations.

when you hear the latest update on the number of COVID cases in the world, you may do a spit-take. it sounds horrifying, and -- don't get me wrong -- it is. but when you realize the population of the world is more than 7.5 BILLION people, and we'd need to get to 75 million cases to hit 1% of that population, it can help add some context.

yes, 450,000 cases worldwide is a lot, but it's also 0.00006% of the global population. the numbers will grow and grow, to be sure, but reaching that 1%-of-the-population number (75 million) won't suddenly happen tomorrow. or this week.

or maybe ever.

the population of the U.S. is 331 million and change; you'd need to get to more than 3 million cases to hit 1%. at the moment, just under over 60,000 cases (0.0002%).

and there are more than 37 million canadians, which means we'll be at 1% when the case # rises to 370,000. right now, we're at just under 3,000 (0.00008%).

yes, it's certainly possible to hit those 1% numbers, but it's also possible that, with all the awareness and education and social-distancing protocols, we might also be able to prevent ourselves from getting there.

focusing on that has also helped settle my swirling brain.

because the other thing that's important to remember is that no one knows where this will go, or what the final numbers will be. there are projections and predictions, sure, but the true end result could be better. or it could be worse.

as mentioned, the fact that so many people around the world have sprung into action is a great sign, IMO. scientists, researchers and medical professionals are all on the case in numerous countries, testing drugs, developing treatments, working on vaccines. ordinary citizens are practicing social distancing, new protocols have been put in place across the globe and awareness is a top priority for almost everyone almost everywhere.

all of those things HAVE to be making a difference. they have to be helping.

it just doesn't feel like it yet because it's still too early -- we only just started this last week, and the new cases being recorded (and splashed across tickers) this week are people who would have been infected two or three weeks ago.

are people still being actively infected at similar rates today? how many people contracted (not "were diagnosed with") the virus today? how many new cases will pop up two or three weeks from now? too soon to tell.

we'll know in a couple of weeks when we see what effect it's all had on the curve. we'll be able to see how much our social distancing has helped. and, for now, i'm hopeful that we'll see positive results -- and reassuring numbers.

looking ahead to hindsight

during this current global turmoil, i keep wondering how we'll all look back on this time five years from now. or ten years. or 50 years. what will we think of the year 2020, when toilet paper became more precious than diamonds and everyone scattered to the four winds?

will we look back and think, "wow. thank goodness we did what we did. and look at us now!"?

will we say, "oops. we destroyed ourselves economically to help ourselves medically"?

what will the take-aways be?

what will the long-term fallout/benefits be?

how long will it be before everything returns to normal? or even normal-ish?

and will we be better prepared for the next pandemic?

will new technologies, therapies, protocols and treatments be developed, or will we still be scrambling for proverbial band-aids when a crisis emerges, and reacting instead of responding?

even in the not-too-distant future -- say, by christmas -- how will our lives have changed?

i know it's not particularly healthy to focus on the unknown, especially if you're already anxious, but i'm trying to do so with a bit of optimism. the world could be careening to hell in a handbasket right now, but i'm hopeful our current predicament might lead to positive change worldwide.

in the meantime, it's sunny and crisp out today. so i'll probably go for a long walk.

what a difference a week (or so) makes -- an amendment

much like everyone else on the planet, i've been a bit preoccupied of late. literally 24 hours after my henny-penny rant -- which i've actually reverted to draft mode because i've revised my thinking, and some of what i wrote has since needed correcting -- the world turned upside down. and i suspect it won't right itself for a while.

COVID-19 has taken over, well, everything. almost every facet of life as we know it has changed, or will change shortly, and news coverage has been unprecedented.

i still think people are panicking, and needlessly hoarding when they should be SHARING. i still think the the executives who own the media outlets are loving this pandemic to some extent because it means everyone everywhere is watching TV, reading newspapers and generally consuming information across all available platforms. news anchors have basically become an essential service to people across the globe. and rightfully so.

but i've also come to realize that a degree of hysteria is probably required to get people to wake up, to take precautions seriously and to STAY AT HOME. (obviously, my earlier suggestion to wander in a mall is no longer a good idea!) that said, it *is* a good idea to get some fresh air, ride a bike, go for a walk, sit in a park, etc., because decompressing, getting some exercise and taking care of your mental health helps boost your immune system. you just need to do it while safely social distancing or going solo. and, for heaven's sake, NOT if you're sick.

given that so many people are still ignoring the social-distancing recommendations, i'm also totally OK with the government and decision-makers shutting stuff down -- schools, restaurants, bars, events. hot docs and my annual trip to florida are my absolute FAVOURITE 20 days of the year, and both have now been cancelled. but that's fine by me. people have proven they are unable or unwilling to stay home, or away from others, on their own, so i say: g'head and do it for them.

YB works in research at a hospital and found out yesterday that she'll have to go in for two days a week, every other week, starting next week (she'd previously been told she could work from home). this is worrisome for me -- less so because of the hospital, but because she'll need to take public transit to and from work on those days. i'm hoping the subways are relatively empty and not the packed-sardine-can experience they typically are during rush hour. this also means she will not be able to visit my parents -- she'll be risking exposure on various fronts, so they've been told she won't be hanging out at their place for a while. i'll be doing any grocery or necessity shopping they need and then dropping stuff off at their door.

for me, the ongoing outbreak has resulted in minor changes to my day-to-day. i'm fairly socially isolated as it is, and a homebody by nature, so keeping to myself isn't really a problem. being sequestered in my condo is also OK and, as a germophobe, i'm already well-versed in hand washing and preventative measures. i *am* much more mindful of how much space exists between me and anyone else anywhere i go now -- even going for a walk along virtually empty sidewalks, i leave a w-i-d-e berth between me and anyone i pass.

as a member of my condo's board of directors, i've been coordinating our communications to residents -- most of whom are over 65, and many of whom are in their 70s and 80s -- regarding what to do, how to do it and where to go for information. so, there's been a bit more work on that end.

but, otherwise, i'm trying (somewhat unsuccessfully so far) not to overconsume news. it's easy to get sucked in to hour after hour after hour of CNN -- succumbing to that jittery "I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENING!" feeling which is common among those of us with anxiety. i initially thought i could limit myself to one hour-long news broadcast a day but that's proved totally futile, due largely to the number of times a day that regular, non-news programming is interrupted with a press conference. so, instead, i've set a cut-off time: no news after 7pm! i need my brain to not be in a state of high alert and/or alarm when i go to bed.

i'm trying to get at least *some* exercise each day. some days, it's an hour-long walk. some days, it's 40 minutes of taebo. other days, it's 20 minutes of weights... or just a quick jaunt to loblaws for cheese and ice cream.

i'm trying to stay connected, virtually, to my friends. that might be emails or social-media posts or facetime coffee dates (my first one is tomorrow!).

and i'm trying to find positive distractions, such as watching HGTV (where news interruptions never happen) or movies on netflix (same), or continuing to take photos for my photo blog (which will be updated today with a slew of images).

likewise, i'm trying to provide positive distractions -- calling my mom to chat, finding cute or funny videos to share, or just looking for good-news stories amid the grim onslaught.

to that end, i'll conclude with a piece of good news: remember that men's deodorant i bought and subsequently thought i'd have to return? i used it for a few more days and have grown to love it. :-)

what's your type?

last week, i watched a documentary called California Typewriter. released in 2016, the doc revolves around the eponymous repair-and-sales shop in berkeley, CA, and is something of a cinematic love letter to a lost (or faded-but-experiencing-a-resurgence, anyway) art form. the film itself is okay – its assembly and narrative is kind of jumbled and confusing, and i had no idea what was going on for the first five minutes or so – but the information, history and personalities it contains are fascinating.

who knew tom hanks loved typewriters so much that he's collected hundreds of them, and frequently gives them away as gifts?

who knew there were so many typewriter aficionados around the world?

and who'da thunk john mayer would prove to be so insightful (and enthusiastic) about embracing an analog "technology"? his comments regarding the immediacy and freedom of typing – and how the spontaneity and organic flow of words/creativity can be rudely interrupted by things like spellcheck and the delete key – really struck a chord.

often when i write, i rewrite before i'm done... which can be a problematic practice. i find myself stopping, starting, stopping and starting again, and sometimes a fleeting hint of a possibly great (or potentially leaden) idea evaporates because i'm distracted retracing previous words or correcting a typo or some such. for the record, i've tried writing longhand, but it presents the opposite problem: it's slower than typing, i can't always get the ideas out fast enough, and the rush to spew everything onto the page quickly results in some seriously questionable legibility, handwriting-wise.

so, i started thinking: what if i picked up an old manual typewriter somewhere, and used it for fun, stream-of-consciousness writing exercises to see of john mayer was right? you know, to just sit down and type out whatever nonsense or profound musings or rambling prose floated into my brain.

for one thing, it could add some novelty to the daily task of writing... at least until using a typewriter becomes hum-drum, anyway.

and, who knows, maybe it really might change the way i write for the better, preventing me from editing myself prematurely and forcing me to just live with whatever lands on the page.

armed with this newfound excitement and a readiness to welcome a manual typewriter into my life (OMG, what if i could find one in a cool colour like red or blue or green?!), i googled.

then i did a spit-take.

first, you can't actually buy a new manual typewriter anywhere... a fact i should have known because the documentary (again, made several years ago) covers the closure of the very last typewriter-manufacturing plant in the world.

dur.

i also discovered you also can't buy a new electric typewriter anywhere, either. at least, not anywhere in toronto that i could find.

you can find all kinds of typewriters (manual and/or electric) on kijiji, and there's a toronto store (not unlike california typewriter, which is still operating!) that specializes in the repair and restoration of vintage machines, but i'm just not willing to shell out $250 or more on what's essentially a whim. not right now, anyway.

so, i'll keep an eye out at thrift shops, where they're typically $20 or less. i know YB and i have seen typewriters on our jaunts to cobourg, orangeville and alliston. and, yes, i know whatever i find will likely need to have some work done, but hopefully any fixes (and a new ribbon) wouldn't break the bank.

or maybe this whole notion of a typewriter will fade and i'll stick to what i know. or suddenly get excited by some other long-gone way to write stuff.

i'm sure feather quills would be pretty cheap.

three strikes!

and now, an update on the various purchases outlined in previous posts.

1) the boots!
they arrived today. they were SOOOO PRETTY. they were SOOOO LIGHT. they were SO cushion-y and bouncy. and, sadly, they were SO NARROW. too narrow. despite so many of the online reviews citing ankle-area discomfort, my issue was tightness around the toe box – specifically: the baby toes on both feet. length-wise, the boots were fine, but the toe boxes were snug so that as soon as i walked around them for a bit, i could feel the sides of both baby toes literally being rubbed the wrong way. i know that if i were to wear these beauties on any kind of extended walk, or even once around the block, i'd come home with bloody blisters on both pinkie toes. and, given the boots' materials, there's no way they'd ever "stretch" to fit better. BOO. the "will they or won't they be magic?!" mystery has now been solved, and they will be going back.

2) the OTHER boots

on the same day i ordered the merrells, i noticed that there were some keen winter boots on clearance at another retailer. they were also comfy-looking, and they had my size... plus, they were $119. might as well order those, too, i figured. that way, i could compare both the keens and the merrells together, and keep whichever pair fit better and felt better. (given the long-term relationship i've had with my existing keen winter boots – probably about 15 years – i actually suspected i'd like the keens more.)

the keens arrived today, as well, about two hours after the merrells. they, too, were light. and cushion-y. not pretty at all, though, but that's okay. i'm all for function over form. plus, they reminded me of my current keens, and looked similar, style-wise.

BUT THEY WERE TOO SMALL.

*sigh*

despite consistently wearing a men's size 8 in keens, these 8s were more like 7.5s. yes, i could still order the next size up (they do have a pair of 8.5s left), but at this point – and after multiple failed attempts at buying shoes (which i haven't already tried on in person somewhere) online – i think i'll call it a day on the great winter-hiker hunt of 2020. at least as far as online shopping goes.

so, tomorrow i'll be trekking downtown to return the keens, and then returning the merrells to a different retailer closer to home. easy come, easy go!

3) the antiperspirant
after wearing it for 24 hours, i've decided the scent is too strong/not right for me. i thought maybe it would grow on me, but it still has something of an aftershave-y bouquet that i don't love. thankfully, i have two weeks to return the unused sticks for a refund... which i'll likely do on the weekend.

this might be a new record

further to my post about the discontinued fleecy...

one of the discontinued products on my current roster is my antiperspirant. for some reason, nivea decided to discontinue the "energy breeze" scent, which i've used for a number of years. (note: apparently, it's still available -- roll-on format only -- in europe, but i would imagine its demise there is imminent, too.)

it vanished from stores pretty quickly, and i only realized i'd missed my "stock up now before it's gone!" window completely by chance when i was browsing the deodorant section at my local walmart and noticed my fave scent missing. "huh, that's odd," i thought... and about three seconds later that familiar panic set in. "WHAT IF IT'S BEEN DISCONTINUED?!?"

because if a giant retailer like walmart was no longer stocking it, chances were good that every other retailer would likewise have removed it.

since i still had two sticks left (one in use and one not yet opened), i wasn't shopping to stock up, but quickly realized i should check other stores and stock up immediately if i could find any left anywhere.

sure enough, it was gone everywhere.

OH FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

that was about a year ago. in the months since, i'd put the remaining energy breezes i had on ice and tried other varieties of the nivea line. i wanted to have a replacement in place before i used up my remaining supply. the other nivea scents i bought were okay, but didn't smell like me. i also purchased a degree (a brand i used to use before they -- say it with me -- discontinued my scent of choice!), but it was so overpoweringly strong once i actually put it on that i couldn't bear to wear it. and i'd smell-tested every single women's antiperspirant stick for sale to no avail.

secret, ban, degree, dove, speed stick... everything was too fruity or too floral or too perfume-y. and the "powder" scent makes me gag across the board. i don't want to smell like pineapples or vanilla or lilies or some bizarre combination thereof. i just want to smell CLEAN. like a nice soap. (not a fan of "unscented," either, for the record.) i resigned myself to the fact that i'd have to resort to one of the meh niveas going forward.

then yesterday happened.

during an early morning shop, i stopped at the deodorant section and decided to explore the men's options. almost all were way too potent and cologne-y for my liking. one variety of men's speed stick was an "irish spring"-scented option, which wasn't terrible... and then i saw it: speed stick stainguard "clean scent."

"clean scent"? that sounds... somewhat mild. and it has "clean" right in the name.

i popped the cap off and gave it a whiff.

not bad! not too strong, not too cologne-y... and almost twice the size of any women's antiperspirant stick for the same price. in this case, $3.48.

"hold on," i told myself, "that's regular price. speed stick is ALWAYS on sale somewhere for $2. cool your jets, go home, see where it's on sale and then go buy it there. or bring the flyer back here and they'll match the price."

pleased with myself, i carried on with my day. i got home, checked flipp to see who had speed stick on sale (rexall for the win at $1.99!) and then figured i'd walk to my nearby rexall later in the day to grab a stick.

but rexall didn't have any "clean scent." not even shelf space for it.

uh oh.

so i continued walking and headed to an adjacent loblaws. nope, they didn't have it, either. i checked three more stores on that walk and NONE of them had "clean scent" men's speed stick.

"did i just find a new product to like AND discover it's been discontinued... ALL IN UNDER SIX HOURS?!?!?!"

yep.

a new record!

when i got home, i checked online retailers and every single one had some variation of "out of stock" or "no longer available" slapped on the product.

what to do?

hop in joel, go back to the first store, bring the rexall flyer and get some?

or put it out of my mind and move on since the product was already discontinued, so why purposely buy something i won't be able to buy again?

to say that i hemmed and hawed and weighed my options for FAR TOO LONG would be an understatement. yes, the rational part of my brain was like, "dude, why bother? find something else!"

but the rest of my brain was all, "just buy a few to tide you over until you find another variety you like! you've already tried so many and came up empty -- this is one you smelled and LIKED. what's the harm?! IT'S ONLY TWO DOLLARS. if you buy it and hate it, it's not like you've wasted a ton of cash."

very long story marginally shorter: this morning, after rush hour, i hopped in joel – flyer in hand – and went back to store #1, bought three of the speed sticks and came home. i did a taebo workout, took a shower and test drove the new deodorant thereafter: not bad. a little stronger *on* me than i initially thought. we'll see if it's a keeper or winds up relegated to occasional use. i'll use it for the next few days and, if i decide i'm not a fan after all, i can return the two unused sticks on the weekend.

or just leave them on the give-away table in our building, so some older gentleman can grab them and stay fresh. for free.