perspectives

yesterday, i saw a documentary that's hung with me even though the film itself wasn't that exceptional.

the movie was about a polish woman named kasia -- a former model -- stricken with ALS and unable to move or speak. (she died shortly after the film was completed.) yet she authored a novel, one letter at a time, using a "pointer" on her forehead to move her computer cursor from key to key.

at one point, in narrated voiceover, she expresses her frustration with the everyday complaints of the able-bodied, and says people should be grateful for being able to do all the mundane things she cannot: to stand up and stretch one's arms, feed oneself, take a shower or get dressed alone, walk, laugh, and so on. kasia was once a busy, vibrant professional; in the film, she is an immobile skeleton, completely dependent on her caregivers and at constant risk of suffocating on her own saliva.

and even though the concept of gratitude for good health and life's simple pleasures is nothing new, for some reason the concept of that kind of loss really hit me hard yesterday.

when i got home last night, it was on my mind each step of the way -- when i hung up my keys, when i washed my hands, when i made myself a snack, when i changed the channel on the TV, when i put a new roll of toilet paper on its roller, when i turned over in bed.

and i did feel grateful. very grateful.

meanwhile...

so, blogging for the next week likely won't happen.

there's just too much to do between screenings, reviews, finishing up work stuff and prepping for my vacation. and then i drop off the grid while i'm in flo-rida.

i mean, who knows, i might suddenly see or hear or do something amazing that merits writing about here, and i might suddenly have a window of an hour in which to do so, but i'm just giving you a heads-up that it's unlikely.

hope everyone is having a great week! i have 15 minutes to finish breakfast before i have to get ready to head out to today's films...

dr. textbook says...

... probably soft-tissue damage (tendonitis seems the most likely culprit), not a stress fracture.

she sent me for X-rays and gave me a requisition form for an ultrasound (of my foot) in case it's still bothering me in a couple of weeks. the earliest ultrasound appointment was during the week i'm in florida, so i said, "what if it feels fine by the time i get back?"

and she said i don't need the ultrasound, then.

so, for now, i'm RICE-ing -- Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation -- before, after and between screenings. and trying to walk as little as possible.

today's news

i think i have a stress fracture in my right foot.

as everyone knows, i've been doing a HUGE amount of walking lately and, during my lunch-hour walk to procure hot docs press materials and celebratory cupcakes, i started having sharp pain on the topside of my foot. i'd noticed similar pain (though much milder) when i *began* my epic walk with val on sunday. at the time, though, i thought it was because i'd laced my running shoes too tightly -- as soon as i loosened the laces, the pain went away.

today, the pain was more pronounced. it came and went, and was better later in the afternoon. but it returned (milder) when i walked home from the subway.

and, when i took of my socks, i noticed a red welt where the pain was. as if someone had pelted me there with a golf ball. it was definitely swollen. uh oh. (looking at the above photo, the pain and swelling are where the cuboid bone meets the cunieforms.)

googling "stress facture foot symptoms" revealed my subtle goose egg + the pain = the classic signs of a hairline metatarsal fracture.

treatment, per everyone from webMD to the mayo clinic to umpteen running sites?

go to the doctor immediately.

get a bone scan (because X-rays usually can't pick up these fractures).

STAY OFF YOUR FEET.

wear a foam walking boot or use crutches if you must walk.

healing takes four to six weeks, during which time you should avoid putting any weight or pressure on the foot.

WHAT?!

this, on the eve of hot docs, where i will not only be walking from venue to venue, but standing in line for long stretches of time.

and one week before florida, and its morning/evening beach walks.

as i type this, i have my foot elevated. i will put an ice pack on shortly. in the morning, i will likely have to call dr. textbook's office to see if i can get a last-minute appointment.

i really hope i'm wrong about my foot.

one more day and then 16 days off!

* this morning, leonard tried to make another stink -- he hadn't bothered to read, or perhaps digest, an assignment email sent weeks ago and, thus, wrote a story that had been assigned to (and already submitted by) someone else. i pointed out the error, he tried to lay blame on the other writer and, instead of trying (again) to point out leonard's error to leonard, i forwarded the entire email exchange to my boss and basically said, "we're not engaging him on this issue any further. here you go."

* speaking of work, tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of my five-week job. as such, i'm going to get myself a cupcake at lunch time, and some of my co-workers may come along. also at lunch time, i'm going to pick up my hot docs package -- screenings start on friday and i'll likely be seeing 20-ish films before i head south! :-D

* speaking of heading south, i am counting the days to flo-rida. i am making a shopping list. i am imagining the beach walks and pool swims and snack foods and U.S. cable TV. and i am wondering if the owner of the condo we rent has maybe, just maybe, finally replaced the decades-old mattresses in the bedroom.

getting called out

know how i started my day?

waiting for already-three-business-days-late copy from my problematic colleague (let's call him leonard), who'd been told we needed his revised stories "no later than 10am" today.

"no later than."

which he evidently thought to mean "sometime around."

so, when -- in a fit of long-pent-up frustration -- i emailed him at 10:01am to ask after his delinquent copy, i decided to pull no punches. i reminded him of the courtesy revision deadline he'd been given, and that his work was already three days past due. i explained that he was holding up the entire department (which is true) because the designers can't actually start laying out the pages without the text. i also reminded him that these as-yet-unstarted layouts are due to the client this thursday and that they therefore need to be started ASAP.

i CCed my boss and the magazine's managing editor on the email.

a few minutes later, leonard sent a reply. "i'm sending it in a second. what's your number?"

i emailed my number and, within about 30 seconds, my phone rang.

and leonard let me have it.

he wanted to know why i'd been sending such condescending emails, why i needed to CC our superiors on them and why i would send an email ONE MINUTE past the deadline (ignoring, of course, the fact that he was THREE DAYS and one minute past the deadline).

his anger was unexpected and so, because i will ill-prepared to be shouted at, i fumbled. i didn't say what i should have said -- which is, "your copy is consistently late, error-laden and sloppy, and we're all tired of having to fix it over and over again" -- and instead explained that we'd been instructed to draw a hard line when it comes to deadlines and copy (which is true). i said i was being the "bad cop," and (GROAN) i actually apologized for my tone.

when he said, "so, what, is this not working out?", i said that was a conversation he should be having with our boss, not me, and that perhaps we all need to sit down before the next issue to discuss process. (personally, i think leonard should be "relieved" of a number of his duties.)

i managed to remember to point out that this last-minute work he was scrambling to get done today could easily have been done three weeks ago (he's had more than a month to get this work finished), and he conceded that he hadn't done a good job of "following up" with people. i actually believe he didn't even start the stories until last week, and that his current predicament is a result of heinously poor time-management skills.

by the time we concluded our call, leonard had calmed down and things seem okay. he submitted one of his late stories within five minutes of our call... and it was 250 words too long, with plenty of typos. his other story came in pieces (many incomplete) throughout the remainder of the day. i eventually just gave up and did the work myself.

more frustrating than leonard's behaviour today, though, is the fact that ALL of this could have been avoided if his editorial delinquency had been addressed, oh, last year when i first started raising the issue. but he's been allowed to coast and coast and coast, and he actually said to me that he hasn't heard anything from our boss about sub-par work.

i sent a recap email to the boss and, frankly, i'm done trying to handle the situation. it's not my job to manage leonard, and i'm tired of having to do that.

walk shots

my pal val and i met up at yonge and bloor at 9:30am. just in time to see thousands of participants
in the yonge street 10k.

looking south over the runner-less track at varsity stadium.

tulips in little italy.

that's how far west we went. dufferin. then all the way back to the eaton centre from here.
we walked about 14km together, and then i walked
another 2.7km  after we had brunch.

gettin' ready

* in a couple of weeks, i'll be in flo-rida, swimming in that pool (above), eating american junk food, shopping at proper targets, and beginning and ending each day with a walk on the beach. i can't wait! last night, i packed about 90% of what i'll be taking with me (which isn't actually much) -- because hot docs starts this week and i'll be seeing films right up until mom and i leave, so i'm going to be busy. earlier this afternoon, mom swung by my place with the car so i could hand off my mostly packed duffel. that way, all i have to do is bring along the last few items (that i still need until our departure), and not a big bag, with me on the subway on the night before we leave. YB will be driving us from my parents' house to the airport just after 6am the following morning.

* today, i've been Vickie Cleaning™my apartment. that way, it'll be ready for my hardcore filmgoing and all the other work i'll need to get done before my last day at the office. (to be clear, i mean my last day before i take two weeks off, not my last day ever.) this coming thursday will be my two-year anniversary at what was originally supposed to be a five-week job.

* i spent a couple of hours researching this morning. i have two more stories for the entertainment magazine due on may 1st but, again, i want to get them finished before the festival starts. or, at least, mostly finished, so that i only have to chip away at them a little more on the days when i'm seeing docs. note: this is in stark contrast to the problematic freelancer at work, who has two stories which were done so poorly that we sent them back and asked for revisions. the stories were already submitted late, and now they're even more late, which subsequently puts our designers behind since they can't start designing and laying out pages without, you know, the copy. ANYWAY...

* i have a piece of mom's homemade citrus cheesecake thawing for my evening snack. i think i'll have a breaded fish fillet and a baked sweet potato for dinner. after i take my post-cleaning hot shower in what will be a spotless bathroom. and then, tonight, i may watch Red Lights, which looks like it might be too scary to watch when it's dark out.

opinion polled

has anyone else discovered that, often, when someone asks for your opinion, what they actually want is just for you to say, "it's great!"?

it's a phenomenon i find happening with increasing frequency, both personally and professionally. people solicit opinions when what they're really seeking is praise or approval, not an actual opinion or a response such as "i didn't really like it" or "well, here's what could be improved." and, when given something that isn't abject praise or approval, they balk or scoff or harumph or react in an otherwise unpleasant manner.

my stance has always been: if you're not prepared for all possible answers, maybe you shouldn't ask the question. because, sometimes, you might get an (honest) answer you don't like. you'll have someone -- who doesn't see the value in pretending everything's great when it isn't -- actually give you a real opinion. i will fully admit that, on occasion, my degree of tact can be lacking but, overall, i try my best to be honest without being harsh, and to give feedback that also offers constructive suggestions instead of just an explanation-free "whoa, that blew." (note: i would never, ever respond to anyone with "whoa, that blew.")

i'm not sure why people are so quick to dismiss or denounce an opinion after they've invited it. and i'm not talking about "does this bathing suit make me look fat?" scenarios, where "honesty" can be perceived as a personal attack and where great care must always be taken, but situations where it's a product or service or thing in question, and the opinion is about that product or service or thing, not the person behind it.

whenever i submit copy to any of my editors, i always say, "let me know if you have any questions or concerns, or if you'd like me to tweak anything." and, when i say it, i actually mean it. of course, like anyone, i always hope there are no concerns or tweaks but, if there are, then i'll address them. if you didn't like it, that's okay. feel free to say so AND tell me why! when i ask for feedback, i actually want feedback, not platitudes. unless it's worded to the contrary, i don't tend to interpret an opinion on something i've written as an opinion of me. "that doesn't make sense, can you clarify?" doesn't mean "vickie, you are a half-wit," and "that's not right" doesn't translate to "vickie, you can't write."

to be honest, i'm growing a little weary of apologizing for my opinion when someone inevitably takes offense. because, of course, that's what ends up happening in those instances where someone's feathers have been ruffled by an opinion i've given: i suddenly feel the need to make things better, smooth things over... sometimes at the expense of what i actually think.

i will take ownership of that less-than-ideal, people-pleasing, don't-hate-me apologetic behaviour, and it would be nice if the opinion seekers would maybe start taking ownership of theirs.

today's newsflashes

NEWSFLASH: seeing an action film in IMAX demands post-screening anti-nausea medication.

NEWSFLASH: having w-aucamole wednesday eight days after tex-mex tuesday can result in a burritoverdose.

NEWSFLASH: climbing up and down six flights of stairs every day gets easier with each passing day.

NEWSFLASH: getting home at 9:46pm means getting to sleep by 11pm is unlikely.

NEWSFLASH: a piece of chocolate often makes everything better.

grief porn

dear television media: ENOUGH ALREADY.

while the events in boston are terrible, the degree to which television networks are bombarding the viewership with "coverage" is ridiculous, shameless and, largely, pointless.

it's grief porn.

wall-to-wall coverage, news specials, catchy title graphics -- it's not about bringing the public the news, it's about all these stations jockeying for ratings. it's about which reporter can snag the most heartbreaking interview, which channel can secure the most shocking footage, which network can find the most experts to offer the most speculation that might turn out to be somewhat accurate when and if the actual truth comes out. it's about quantity, not quality. they will run the story into the ground, and air the same footage over and over and over and over again, until it slowly loses its meaning and impact. 

you just know that, right now, every network is fighting for the right to the first interview with the runner whose son was killed, and whose wife was badly injured. not because he has an amazing story to tell, but because it's a tragic one, and the networks believe that viewers want to see this poor grieving man weep while he talks about the death of his young son. do they really think we don't KNOW he's grieving? that he's in pain? that this was likely the worst day of his life? do we really need to hear him have to say it?

it's about competition, and who gets the exclusive FIRST, nothing more. and, with each passing tragedy in america, and sometimes elsewhere in the world (the tsunami in japan, for example), it becomes more obscene. it's like the worst kind of feeding frenzy.

do we need hour-long primetime specials on "the boston blow-up" (or whatever your channel of choice opts to call it) – wherein one victim or bystander after another is interviewed about what they saw, heard, felt and did – in order to understand or appreciate the gravity of what happened? no. we don't. or, maybe, some people do, but i don't. 

if there's breaking news, then break into programming and share it. if there's an important development -- such as finding the person(s) responsible -- then broadcast it. but please scrap all the talking heads and analysts and rehashing of the same details. please stop shoving a microphone in front of anyone you can find, and pointing your camera at anyone willing to appear on the air.

social media is almost as bad. i don't care what celebrities "tweeted" or how they reacted on a red carpet when they found out. yet it's being reported as news. of COURSE people are going to think the situation is tragic and of COURSE they're going to be supportive -- do we really have to broadcast it? the words "my heart goes out" have lost all meaning. nevermind the atrocities that take place all over the world every single day -- does anyone's heart go out for that suffering? or is it just sympathy for the suffering the media happens to be covering most?

grief porn feeds on itself -- the more attention it gets, the more people want to join in, which leads to more attention, which leads to more grief… and so on. i'm not saying people shouldn't be saddened and alarmed by what happened (they should), i'm not saying it's not a horrible thing (it is) and i'm not saying we don't want important news updates (we do).

put the public spectacle being created by the television media is morphing into something else altogether.

and not something good, IMO.

"stone-cold normal"

those were the words the neurologist used to describe the results of my complete neurological exam this morning. so, that was a relief!

dr. brain was a very petite, hyper-articulate, nice enough fast-talker, who spent about 40 minutes testing everything from my eyesight to my balance, reflexes, muscle strength and ability to tell whether she was pulling my big toe up or down when she did it.

she said the test results rule out "anything scary." she doesn't know what's causing my back tingling/numbness/icyhot, so i'm booked for a follow-up in september to see if the tingling is still happening and whether it's progressing. if anything gets worse in the meantime, she said to call her office and she'll squeeze me in before september.

as for the ass, i correctly guessed that it's a result of positional pressure on a nerve somewhere. if it's still bothering me in september (or if it gets worse), she'll book me for a thoracic X-ray to look for any bone/joint degeneration or misalignment that might be causing nerve irritation. otherwise, it may just be one of those annoying things that happens when i stand a particular way.

and that's the update.

matters of the mind

tomorrow, i have an appointment with a neurologist. dr. textbook referred me back in january, and april 15th was the earliest appointment i could get.

if you recall, back in november and december, i'd been having recurring episodes of numbness and tingling in my ass and on the left side of my back. the ass tingling was less worrisome, because i could get it to stop just by changing my posture -- meaning it was (and still is, since it still happens on occasion) a result of pressure on a nerve somewhere.

but the back tingly-ness was harder to explain. sometimes, it would feel (out of the blue) like someone had just smeared IcyHot on me. other times, it felt like my back had been "asleep" and was getting that familiar pins-and-needles feeling of blood returning to the area. and then other times, it would feel like pressure, as though someone were pressing against me.

by december, this was happening at least twice every single day. always as a result of nothing. i'd be brushing my teeth or making breakfast or stepping out of the shower, and there it was.

now... at the time, my thyroid was (unbeknownst to me) out of whack, and dr. textbook said it was possible the tingly-ness was a side effect of that. perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, now that my thyroid is no longer out of whack, the episodes of tingly-ness have declined dramatically. the ass tingles still happen, and can still be alleviated by moving; the back tingles now only happen once in a while... but they still happen. they happened twice today.

so, tomorrow morning, i'll tell the above story to the neurologist to see what she'll have to say. i'm really hoping everything's fine, and that this is all due to an irritated nerve somewhere. i use my left hand to use my computer mouse, and i spend a lot of time at the computer, and all my issues are on the left side, so maybe i'm straining something?

fingers crossed!

in 139 days...

... i will be reunited with ericanddan for fun times and laughter and LOTS of posing.

that's today's big, happy news. :-D

hank!

gettin' busy

right now, i'm stepping into another "wait, HOW many assignments?!" period, where i have a pile of articles to write. i'll be working from home for the next couple of days, and plan on buckling down this weekend, so i can get all the stories in early -- once hot docs starts (on april 25th), my full attention will be given to the festival, and to writing about the films i'll be seeing. and, next week, i've got more screenings, at least two days in the office and lots of proofing and editing to do.

at the moment, i have an 800-word story on work/life balance, a 1000-word story on quirky hollywood actresses, a one-page infographic, six pre-festival hot docs capsule reviews (which will become eight by mid-afternoon tomorrow), a short feature on a west-coast business owner and one pending piece on the best and worst movie sequels.

even though these are always busy, exhausting stretches -- where my brain runs out of words and my ass goes numb from sitting in my desk chair for 12 hours a day -- i do love the challenge. the satisfaction of getting them done, one by one, makes the stress worth it.

and the paycheques at the end of it all don't hurt, either. largely because i realize that i am doing now something that i thought would never really happen: i'm earning a good living as a freelance writer.

let's go for a walk

one of the things i love most about where i live is the fact that i can go on long (or short) walks through amazing neighbourhoods, along gorgeous streets, past beautiful old houses and lush gardens and chunks of toronto's history. pretty much in any direction.

this fact is always at the forefront of my mind at this time of year, when i'm frequently walking back and forth between home and the bloor cinema, where all the hot docs pre-festival screenings take place. every day that i attend screenings, i choose a slightly different route to get to and from the theatre. but, no matter which route i take, or how many times i trek through the annex, i always feel so hugely lucky to be able to do it.

i can leave my apartment at 9:15am, make my way to madison or howland or any number of side streets, stroll through the quiet and take in the majesty of what seems like endless rows of unique, and gigantic, heritage homes, and be in my seat, ready for the movie to start, by 9:55.

along the way, i catch details i pass: original stained-glass windows, expansive old porches, decorative architectural features (this morning, i saw a house with a gargoyle on the second floor!) that you simply don't see anymore and front yards slowly sprouting with signs of spring.

today, it was raining when i left home, but -- even though i am without rain boots and my keens are slowly surrendering to their age -- i wasn't about to not walk. and it was wonderful! the streets were silent, save for the sound of the light rain. it was screamingly peaceful, and i had this sudden "i wish everyone could see, hear, smell and feel what this walk is like!" because i know there's no way to fully capture the magic in writing.

so, even though it won't help with the majority of the senses, i invite you to take a moment and go on a virtual walk along some of these streets.

1. go to Google Maps

2. enter any of the following street addresses:

* 10 madison avenue, toronto
* 3 howland avenue, toronto
* 28 albany avenue, toronto

3. click on the little "street view" icon (a yellow human figure in the bottom right of the photo in the left-hand sidebar)

4. make sure the direction arrow has north facing straight up on your screen (so that your "view" is facing north) -- click and hold the "N" until it's at the top of the circle

5. start "walking" by clicking farther ahead on the road, remembering to turn the directional dial so you can check out the houses

enjoy!

tex-mex tuesday and other delights

* last week, i suggested to a few of my co-workers that we go for burritos sometime this week. there's a great burrito place within about 10 minutes of the office, and i figured a field trip would be fun. so, today, five us embarked on the inaugural tex-mex tuesday... and it was fantastic! the food was DELICIOUS -- with my burrito, i had something called "corn fritters," which are a new menu item and which were so tasty i am craving them again right now -- and we fit our outing nicely into our lunch hour. plus, we went early enough (arriving just before noon) that we missed the tsunami of customers that poured into the place between 12 and 12:30.

* today, i designed a real layout for the business magazine. another designer had worked on it, but the work wasn't good. since it was my story (i.e., i also wrote it), i offered to take a shot at it. and, tonight, i did it! there are probably all kinds of design tweaks that will need to happen -- spacing, colour fixes, whatnot -- but the art director said my layout (flaws and all) was "already a million times better" than what had been done previously. yay! it pained me to leave the design at 7:45pm. i'm not in the office tomorrow (more hot docs screenings), so the AD will finish up the final touches, but i crave the satisfaction of completing the ENTIRE layout myself. next time.

* there's a chance i will be put in charge of a new website and/or new newsletter at work. this could be very cool. and, of course, mean more hours... which means more money.

* i had a great night's sleep last night and, after my hearty meal and creatively fulfilling day, i expect to have another one tonight.

loudness lurlene

as i mentioned yesterday, press screenings for this year's hot docs festival have begun (hooray!), and that means i frequently spend entire days in a dark theatre watching documentaries alongside assorted peers and industry types.

one of those people is loudness lurlene. i don't actually know her name or who she is, but i know enough to know she's not well-known, and doesn't actually work for any of the major newspapers or TV shows or websites or festivals.

LL is the kind of person who sucks all the air out of a room when she enters... and, when she enters, it's usually with a blustery swirl of notice-me noise. there's frequently a loud, exasperated sigh of some sort, followed by loud greetings to the handful of folks she knows and then a loud recounting of whatever befell her prior to her arrival at the theatre. OMG THE SUBWAY WAS CRAWLING! OMG I FORGOT TO BRING AN UMBRELLA YESTERDAY! OMG I TOTALLY WORE THE WRONG SHOES THIS MORNING!

LL likes everyone to hear her opinions on the films she's seen, and why attending screenings can be such a chore for her, and what happened that one time she interviewed that barely famous person and realized afterward her recorder hadn't been on. OH, THE DRAMA!

during films, if something moderately funny or ironic or whatever happens, LL has to guffaw loudly. or gasp, if it's shocking. or "tsk!" if someone onscreen just said something ridiculous or offensive.

i don't know why LL's behaviour drives me absolutely mental, but it does. it's like a dripping faucet -- i can't UNhear her. she cuts through the peaceful pre-film quiet with her aurally offensive blatherings. i want to stand up and scream, "HOLY HELL, NO ONE CARES!"

but i don't. because i love hot docs press screenings, and if listening to LL is part of the deal, so be it. there's also a tiny part of me that actually looks forward to whatever inanity she'll loudly spew when next she saunters in to take a seat.

and, so it went...

* after the somewhat taxing "should i, shouldn't i?!" week of real-estate ponderings i had last week, i logged off -- or, rather, blogged off -- for a few days. i was tired of self-analysis and list-making.

* found out this afternoon that, while i was away at my parents' last night, the building fire alarm went off. twice. seems the workers working on the elevator did something to trip the alarm around 7:30pm, and again at about 4am (presumably, this happened without the workers, who would have gone home by then). yikes. the fire department came the first time, issued a warning to the clueless workers... and i don't know what happened the second time. i found all this out from a neighbour who'd emailed me about it. the property management company is dumb, and this is just further proof of their dumbness. further further proof? they shut down the building elevator last tuesday, but haven't posted any signs, warnings, caution tape or anything ANYWHERE in the building to prevent people from, oh i don't know, pushing the call button and having the seemingly disabled doors accidentally open to an empty elevator shaft. it's fine if they want to assume tenants should know, but what about delivery people? guests? the mail carrier?

* i bought a new kind of granola today. with pumpkin seeds and flax seeds. it's meh. i wanted to buy muscat grapes, but the grocery store at which i shopped was out.

* tomorrow, press screenings for hot docs begin! yay! i'm SO excited -- there are eight screenings this week, including a slew of films i'd already earmarked as "must sees." and i've decided to treat myself to lunch at a great restaurant between screenings one and two.

* the hydrangea i won at the pysanky party is flourishing. i named it "hank," and hank's getting pretty lush. :-)