ultrasound-off

this morning, i got up at 6am to get ready for my transabdominal ultrasound. its other name is a pelvic ultrasound and, just like any medical procedure that includes the word “pelvic,” it isn’t much fun.

this is the kind of ultrasound where you have to drink copious amounts of water an hour beforehand, and then try not to pee (or cry or scream) while a technician pushes a transducer against your stomach and your increasingly distended bladder for about 10 minutes. it doesn’t sound overly awful, i know, but i did not enjoy it. at all. and the environment in which i had it done didn’t help matters much.

my appointment was at a relatively swanky downtown imaging centre where they do ultrasounds and mammograms and the like. i decided to go down very early this morning, and to drink all my required water once already in the clinic’s vicinity rather than trying to ride the subway with a full bladder.

so, i took my water, a magazine and sat in an empty food court at 7am. by the time i headed to the imaging office at 7:45am, i was ready to pee. badly. when i arrived, the receptionist was checking in someone else, so i waited. squirming. i knew it would still be about 10 minutes before the test would even start, and then at least another 10 minutes for the procedure, and i honestly had no idea how i would hold it that long.

the receptionist noticed my obvious discomfort and suggested i “go release some of it. but not all, try to keep some in there!”

easier said than done. but i knew my body well enough to know my bladder would be full again pronto, so i returned to the office very relieved.

she checked me in, brought me to their dressing rooms, gave me a spa-like wrap-gown and instructed me to wait in the secondary (interior) waiting room when i was changed. done and done. i could feel my bladder refilling, but i knew it wasn’t yet full, and i hoped the lab tech would be a little understanding and just wait an extra five minutes for it to reach the required volume.

fat chance.

why? because i had ludmila (not her actual name, but it might as well have been), the disgruntled russian lab tech, performing the ultrasound.

actually, i should back up a bit. i was welcomed into the exam room by oksana, a twentysomething (also russian) girl, who informed me that she was “in training” and that her supervisor, ludmila, would be observing and guiding her, as needed. figuring two heads are better than one, i said, “no problem” and lay down on the table.

i informed the duo of my recent... erm... “voiding,” and that they may have to wait a minute or two, and oksana said, “that’s okay. we’ll try anyway.”

“try” became the operative word, as oksana “tried” to do the ultrasound. but, based on the number of times a frustrated ludmila corrected her, i’m going to assume she wasn’t at the top of her game. for me, the process was becoming increasingly uncomfortable – my bladder was full and she was pressing on it nice and hard – and, for oksana, it seemed to be getting more and more confusing.

now, this kind of ultrasound is one that the patient wants over with as soon as possible, but the fumbling and correcting was stretching it out. i was lying there, staring at the ceiling, wincing and willing it to be finished. instead, ludmila – who’d clearly grown tired of her student’s ineptitude – took over.

and she was none too pleased about it.

when i asked how much longer she thought it might be, because i was actually starting to writhe on the table, she snapped, “i don’t know.” when i followed it up with, “what happens if i get to a point where i can’t hold it any longer?”, she scowled at me and said, “then we have to end the exam!”

as i tried to breathe through what was now pain, she scolded me, “this is all in your head! your bladder is not full. it can hold 600 CCs.”

but i was barely paying attention because all i could do was think “do not pee, do not pee, do not pee, do not pee” over and over again in my head. i actually started trembling involuntarily despite trying to focus on not freaking out.

finally, it was over and i leapt off the table. the instant ludmila was no longer jamming the transducer into my stomach, i felt better, and oksana quickly directed me to the washroom... but not before ludmila offered one last “helpful” suggestion.

“maybe next time you should prepare yourself better, mentally,” she advised in a very snarky tone.

wow.

nothing like being nervous, undergoing a highly unpleasant test and then being blamed for its unpleasantness. as though the whole thing would have been a breeze otherwise.

i felt like saying, “thank you so much for your awesome bedside manner. maybe next time you should go f**k yourself.”

but i didn’t. instead, i simply explained that i was new at this, and didn’t know how much longer the test would take. had she said at the outset, “this will take ___ minutes,” i would have been able to gauge how soon i’d find sweet, sweet relief.

as it was, the entire procedure probably took about 17 very-long minutes, but it felt like an hour. if you don’t believe me when i say it was painful, next time you have to pee... don’t. hold it. and then keep holding it for another hour, preferably while pushing your abdomen into a railing of some sort. after a while, not peeing really hurts.

needless to say, i was very happy when it was all over. i have never been so relieved to see a toilet in all my life.

and, as i collected my things and got dressed, i thought about the imaging centre’s website, and its claims that they take “pride” in creating a friendly, welcoming atmosphere. it actually says:

We make what frequently is an unpleasant necessity of life ... pleasant!

walking out of their offices, i felt like sending them an email with that quote pasted into it and then, underneath, just writing “no.”