the hug

i have written about my dreamlife, and dreams, several times before. i’ve described how they occasionally offer me comfort or insight, and that i even find solutions or resolution within them once in a while.

i’ve written about the rare but profound love dreams and the powerful emotion they contain.

i’ve written about strange and symbolic dreams, with their confusing imagery and curious messages.

and i’ve written about outright nightmares that leave me shaken once i wake.

last night, i had a dream that, in terms of classification, wasn’t necessarily a love dream but would probably come closest to the feelings i experience in them.

and all it took was one hug.

it was a hug that i need in my real life, but one that may or may not ever come. so, i suppose, my subconscious conjured it for me it in my sleep.

it began filled with awkwardness and hesitation, with unspoken sentiments swirling around like leaves in a windstorm. both my hugger and me afraid of making the first move, so to speak. even though in my waking life i am almost always the one who cracks first and reaches out first, in my dream it was my hugger who offered a smile, then a word, then a shimmer of tears welling in her eyes. and, in that instant, as tears welled in mine, i knew everything was okay.

i took a few steps forward and we hugged. then just... stood there and held each other. not in a sexual way or a creepy way; a quiet, loving one.

and, in that embrace in my dream, i was overcome with deep feelings of acceptance and healing, of being forgiven, of being comforted and of offering comfort, of understanding and kindness, and of a gentle, soul-calming peace. i can’t articulate the feeling well enough to properly convey its potency, but it was as if it wrapped around every cell in my body until my heart felt like it might be glowing.

slowly, the metaphoric distance vanished and we both tightened the hug, as if to say, “good.”

and then i woke up.

the dream’s soothing warmth hung on briefly as i lay in bed staring at the ceiling, then the hug began to evaporate and, inch by inch, give way to the awareness of its absence in my waking life. and i felt a heaviness in my chest. it was a bit like going from feeling full to feeling hollow.

the more i turned the dream over in my mind, trying to remember every detail and savour the good feeling as long as possible, the more i began to realize that there might be more to its meaning than simply the power of a much-needed embrace from another. we are, after all, every person who appears in our subconscious, each one representing us to ourselves in some way.

yes, the hug from my hugger as it happened in the dream would be undeniably wonderful and healing were it to happen in my waking life, but perhaps in order to achieve that blissful state of peace and calm for real, the person from whom i most need forgiveness and acceptance and understanding is myself.