un petit rant

for a long while, the majority of my writing assignments could be done without actually having to involve other people. film columns and oscar stories and the like just meant i had to do things like watch movies or conduct research before sitting down to write. every now and again, i’d have to interview someone about something, but the someone was usually famous in some way and often had a diligent publicist who ensured that everything went smoothly and on time.

lately, though, all that has changed. i’ve been assigned a number of stories that not only require the involvement of others, but depend upon it. many of you will recall the weeks of frustration that stemmed from my famous-canadians story. many of you will also recall that i vowed never to tackle such a story again, only to turn around and do exactly that.

and, not surprisingly, i once again find myself waiting.

so, while i wait, i thought i’d run through my interview wish list, just in case some prospective subject magically meanders through this blog and takes notes on how not to work my last nerve.

for starters, dear interviewees, please be on time. and by “on time” i mean: if you say you’re going to call me at 1:30 in the afternoon, please call before 2pm. if i tell you i’m going to call you at 1:30 in the afternoon, i do. down to the minute. so is it too much to ask that you at least aim for something within the ballpark of a half-hour of our scheduled appointment? as a corollary, if i say i’m going to call you at a specific time and you agree, could’ja please BE there when your phone rings?

if you’re not going to be on time, please let me know. just shoot me a quick email or get someone to call me. please don’t leave me sitting by my phone indefinitely. i can tell you it’s no fun. at all. as fascinating as you think you are, i’m not that unoccupied that i can afford to sit around for hours on the off chance you might call. similarly, don’t tell me you’ll “try” me tomorrow; trust me, you are TRYING me this very instant, and i won’t want to sit around tomorrow any more than i wanted to do it today.

please don’t tell me you “might” call me “around” X o’clock. pick a time and stick to it.

if you miss interview appointment #1 and then you yourself schedule appointment #2, for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, please keep THAT one. you do realize that my distaste for you grows with each passing minute you don’t call, right? and that the careful, affectionate, sympathetic tone that i might have used to write about you is evaporating faster than sprinkler water on noonday asphalt? suddenly, i don’t care about you or your story or your anecdotes anymore, and i just want to be done with you as soon as humanly possible.

don’t get snippy with me about how busy you are, especially not if you’ve already failed to do any of the above. i don’t care. all i need is a tiny fraction of your time for a story about you, so how about you just throw me a bone and play nicely for all of 10 minutes? is that so hard?

and, when i finally do manage to get you on the phone, please SPEAK. in, like, sentences and stuff. please don’t regurgitate press releases or hand me monosyllabic morsels which serve neither of us. believe me, i can tell when you don’t want to be speaking to me, so at least fake it better or be honest and say so. it’s no picnic on my end, either, and it might be best if we just skip the whole thing if you’re behaving as though i’m about to perform a root canal on you.

right now, i'm looking at my clock and realizing my afternoon interviewee is now more than FOUR HOURS late. WTF?

all i ask is that my interview subjects extend to me the same courtesies i extend to them. is that too much to ask?