germy literary paralysis

five days of cold medication = stomach upset by day five.

five days of cold medication = frequent drowsiness, but complete insomnia on night four.

five days of cold medication = depressive side effects resulting in general weepiness.

five days of cold medication = more pronounced dizziness.

five days of cold medication = intermittent fever of fluctuating severity.

five days of cold medication = zero appetite...compounding concerns over existing weight loss.

five days of cold medication = confirmation that summertime cooties suck.

i think i might love overture films

overture films is a relatively new kid on the movie-production block but, in the past month, i have been moved to tears by two of their projects. one (The Visitor) was released a while back; the other (Henry Poole is Here) will be released shortly.

both deal, in different but equally effective ways, with the themes of loneliness, isolation, hope and connection. i highly recommend checking them out.

the visitor

henry poole is here

summertime cooties

having a cold or flu during the summer is just wrong.

and yet, despite nearly two full years without either ailment (likely due to my OCD-like hand-washing and love for antiseptic-gel), i find myself entertaining one at the moment.

i have summertime cooties.

right now, my sinuses are congested, my nose is runny and i have an on-again/off-again low-grade fever of about 99.3ºF. but i don’t feel bad. a little tired, maybe, but otherwise pretty good. i had a sore throat for about a day-and-a-half, and that was unpleasant, but i think battling germs in summer might actually be easier than during other seasons.

it’s warm and humid out, which goes a long way towards clearing things up inside your nasal cavity or lungs. moist air is way better for colds and flus than dry air. symptoms, for me anyway, are also over and done with much quicker – for example, that day-and-a-half sore throat would have lasted three days minimum had it hit in january. it’s like everything is accelerated with cooties in the summertime.

similarly, if you do have to venture out of the comforting bosom of your home, it’s not a shock to the system. you don’t need to bundle up, and being outside in heat might actually make you feel better.

summertime cooties are also less intent on destroying your life than their wintertime counterparts. this week, i have a whole bunch of events and screenings and coffee meetings and the like. in winter, i would have likely cancelled them all right now...knowing that i would be at the mercy of the cooties for at least 10 days. instead, i’m dosing up on fluids and vitamin C and zinc and nighttime cold relief, and i expect to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by tomorrow.

or, at least, awake, alert and coherent. and maybe...cootie-free.

the further adventures of four loud, obnoxious, drunk girls

so, it seems like the trashy quartet are making their loud, obnoxious, drunken deck BBQs a tuesday-night thing.

about an hour ago, i heard the first twitters.

then i looked out my window and saw two of the four loud, obnoxious, drunk girls reclining on deck chairs, GIGANTIC glasses of wine in hand. uh oh. the cover had also been removed from the BBQ...as though grilling will ensue at some point.

at the moment, there are only two of them in attendance. that's why it's still (relatively) quiet.

but -- SALVATION! -- there are pitch-black clouds coming right for us. a wall of giant, dark, thunderous portents of doom and, i hope, super-soaking rain. they show up red and yellow on the doppler.

the drunk girls don't seem to care, and i would LOVE it if they ignored the impending weather, piled their food onto the BBQ and then had mother nature (come on, i think she'd be on my side for this) POUR DOWN UPON THEM. yes, there would be the initial squealing and shrieking, but it would be followed by blissful silence as the heavy rain would force the twits indoors for the night.

i wonder if i can pray for rain every tuesday from now until november...

edited to add: it is now 10:08pm, raining and quiet.

sometimes

sometimes, i wonder why i bother.

sometimes, i ponder the future, filled with optimism.

sometimes, i believe hope is a lead apron.

sometimes, i want to clean the slate and start over.

sometimes, i think it’s not worth the effort.

sometimes, i feel like i’m not worth the effort.

sometimes, i cling to illusion at the expense of my sanity.

sometimes, i let things slide way too long.

sometimes, i get lost in my head.

sometimes, i remember that the only constant is change.

sometimes, i peel the band-aid off too slowly.

sometimes, i need to be the one on the receiving end.

sometimes, i question everything i do.

sometimes, i worry too much.

sometimes, i forgive too easily.

sometimes, i wish too hard.

sometimes, i prefer to be left alone.

sometimes, i just need a hug.

sometimes, i drown in my own self-consciousness.

sometimes, i find boundless delight in spaghetti and root beer and a Friends rerun.

sometimes, that’s the way it is.

sometimes.

but not always.

a Moskito Finito® update

i came home tonight and saw one of those giant flying crickets sitting on my white curtains.

i fetched the MF® and armed it.

i walked calmly over to the curtains.

given that the cricket was on the curtains -- and i figured i didn't want it taking flight -- i kind of swatted it where it sat.

there was a blue spark, a brief zzzap sound...and the cricket kind of spread its legs. but it remained.

then it sort of started to crawl, very wobbly like, UP the curtain, but only made it about an inch before it lost its grip and fell.

INTO MY SPIDER PLANT.

it landed on one of the thin fronds. i shook it loose and it fell.

INTO MY RADIATOR GRATE.

now i can't see it. but i know it's in there.

i have no idea if it's dead, or just stunned, or stunned enough that it will be unable to fly or walk and will just lie inside my radiator grate until it dies. there's a lot of dust in there...and cobwebs...so i'm hoping it's suffocating as i type this. (note: the radiator cover goes wall-to-wall and is not removable. if it was, i'd have pried it off by now and confirmed death...because the uncertainty will no doubt keep me awake tonight.)

when bad things happen to good food

a turkey burger died in my apartment today.

not just any turkey burger, either. one of oprah's.

it was a senseless death, and one that could have been prevented had my short-term memory not trotted off for a short-term holiday.

if you recall, part of the rainy-sunday checklist involved watching young beatrix prepare oprah’s favourite turkey burgers, which we later consumed with crinkle-cut fries and fresh vegetables. it was a delicious meal.

now, because my diet is sorely lacking in protein, and because young beatrix had enough of the turkey-burger mixture to feel a family of 12, she made some extra patties and then packaged them up for me to take home and reheat at my leisure! awesome! each pattie was wrapped in non-stick foil, so that all i’d have to do is unfurl the foil, pop the burger (on the foil) into my toaster oven and presto! instant meal with about 18g of protein.

so.

i got home from my parents’ house last night and promptly began unpacking all the leftovers i’d brought home. since trix had given me two patties, and because i knew i’d eat one today and save the other for another time, i wanted to put one in the fridge and one in the freezer.

i removed one of the wrapped patties from the ziploc bag that housed them both, put the still-ziplocked bag into the fridge and put the other pattie (which would eventually go in the freezer) on TOP of the fridge while i went to get a second ziploc bag.

well, somewhere between putting the pattie on top of the fridge and taking my next breath, i was distracted. or i had to pee. or who knows what. but that little well-meaning pattie wound up abandoned on top of the fridge – in my 80ºF+ apartment – for MORE THAN EIGHT HOURS.

yes, i went about my evening while the patty slowly died. i put away all the other food, checked my email, surfed facebook, had a snack, did the dishes, took a shower, brushed my teeth, changed and WENT TO BED. all the while, the little pattie sat there atop the fridge, wondering when it might find refuge in the freezer and growing increasingly despondent as each hour ticked by. i can’t imagine how it felt when it saw me click off the light and head to the bedroom. had i not had earplugs in, i'm sure i would have heard a teeny tiny cry for help coming from the kitchen.

anyway, i couldn’t sleep and tossed and turned for a few hours. then, just after 2am, i had this sudden flash of the stranded pattie and FLEW out of bed to make sure i was somehow remembering things wrong. maybe i’d just forgotten putting it in the freezer...surely it couldn’t STILL BE SITTING THERE, could it?

oh, it could. and it was. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

i put it in the fridge, knowing it was probably a lost cause. i consulted YB this morning to see whether it might somehow still be safe to eat.

her vote: no. toss it, just to be safe.

alas. R.I.P., little guy.

rainy-sunday checklist

* oversleep

* have homemade chocolate chip and pecan cookies (with milk) for breakfast

* watch young beatrix prepare oprah's favourite turkey burgers

* read the newspaper

* go shopping

* nap

* cook and consume oprah's favourite turkey burgers

* watch a movie

* sleep over

addendum at 10:19pm: the nap was replaced with "make spicy stovetop popcorn," and i did not sleep over, after all.

feeling rash

so, i have a rash.

it appeared without explanation yesterday morning, and remains -- red, bumpy and strong! -- today, right now, some 30+ hours later. it covers most of my upper body like a T-shirt: my chest, shoulders and about 1/3 of my upper arms. this morning i noticed that it had spread to the backs of my hands, with some rash-y sprinklings along my forearms.

i went to the doctor yesterday, but she was of no help. after hemming and hawing and looking at it and furrowing her brow and asking me all kinds of questions about my recent sun exposure (which was zero), she said she thinks it's probably a heat rash. and, to be honest, that's really what it looks like.

last night, i trekked to my parents' house to procure young beatrix's coveted (and dwindling) bottle of bath & body works' after-sun cooling aloe gel ("with botanicals and cooling moisture beads"), a magic elixir she picked up years ago on one of our road trips to the carolinas. problem is, it was a discontinued item at that time, and we only ever found that one lone bottle...so we have been carefully rationing it ever since.

it really is magic, though -- it's the only thing that remedies the inevitable allergic-reaction rashes i get whenever i apply sunscreen, and works wonders on heat-rash unpleasantness. so i was eager to apply some to the ever-expanding rash. i also picked up some benadryl, just in case what i have is actually some sort of allergic response to something my body very obviously doesn't like.

but, alas, the rash remains today. the magic gel + the benadryl didn't really improve things. of course, toronto is under an extreme-heat alert at the moment, so i suspect me trying to get rid of a heat rash while i'm in the heat would be sort of like bringing your air conditioner outside to cool down your backyard. pointless.

random excerpts from four loud, obnoxious, drunk girls having a loud, obnoxious, drunken BBQ outside my windows tonight...

please imagine the following shouted at top volume, slightly slurred:

“LIIIIIIIIKE, she can be, like, SO selfish!”

“fucking STRIPPERS! bringing people they met at SKY BAR!”

“i heard he was GAY! at one point there was, like, gay-ish talk.”

“she’s pretty but, like, reeeeally trashy.”

“i’m gonna fuckin’ FREAK OUT!”

“who’s this JENNY girl?! how did he MEET her? she’s fucked UP!”

“skinny AND sketchy! sketchy and skinny! skinny and sketchy.”

“she, like, just wouldn’t, like...like, i know she’s INSANELY jealous!”

“i didn’t even realize until LATER ON that i had, like, SLUGS ALL OVER ME!”

“dave was about to kiss me and i was like, `AAAAAAAAGH!’”

“THE CAT saunters OUT of the BEDROOM!”

“i am ANGRY! you MADE ME this angry!”

“does him and her have kids?” (yes, that’s how she worded it)

“in high school, we could DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANTED!”

“i’m hungry! i’m HIIIIIGH!”

“but is that your ass OR HIS?”

“i have to go to new york at 9am TOMORROW!”

“they were sitting and watching a movie with the DOG, and her DAD was LEAVING, and somebody said, `goodnight FATTY!’”

“there are a lot of girls who wanna have your fuckin’ baby!”

“dooooon’t! DON’T DO IT! you are SO WASTED!”

“i am SUCH A BITCH! i need to, like, keep my mouth SHUT sometimes!”

“ARE WE THAAAAAT LOUD?!?!?! why don’t YOUUUUU shut the FUCK UP!” (screamed in response to a disembodied voice in the darkness telling them to shut the fuck up.)

“i lovvvve her, i really do.”

in search of stillness

"you need not leave your room. remain sitting at your table and listen.
you need not even listen, simply wait.
you need not even wait, just learn to become quiet and still, and solitary.
the world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked.
it has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
- franz kafka

dear mother nature: i still love you!

mother nature and i have been getting along really well this summer. she’s made sure that, for the most part, temperatures have been reasonable, and the blistering-hot days have been kept to a minimum. i made sure to appease her with gifts and kind words and, in return, she stayed the temperate course. but now, per the weather network, a stretch of really hot weather is on deck...and i am panicked. i need to distract her with shiny baubles and fun presents so that she’ll once again reward me with nights in the low-60s and little to no humidex.

here, then, is what i plan on giving her:

* the DVD boxed set of Planet Earth

* an earth, wind & fire CD

* cupcakes

* a Moskito Finito®

* a guest spot on The Nature of Things

* tickets to see the weathergirls in concert

and

* a pony

i really hope this works...

wistful literary paralysis

sometimes, i wish i could come home and walk through my door to find someone waiting for me.

waiting to wrap their arms around me and say nothing.

just waiting to love me.

sometimes i think that would be heaven.

if you're not watching SYTYCD...

...you're missing things like this.

instructional literary paralysis

today’s random lessons:

wimbledon announcers think like i do.

sometimes, unexpected detours lead to the most interesting places.

when you forget your words, just fake it. or say something funny. or watch a random hair float gingerly from above.

medical concerns + google = fear, panic, hypochondria and sleeplessness.

stone is a liquid.

set your VCR (or PVR) when you think of it.

set your alarm when you think of it.

write down that clever rhyme when you think of it.

if you try really hard not to think about something, that thing you don’t want to think about is all you will think about.

think about it.

literary paralysis revisted

it will pour tonight.

my dosage is incorrect.

i need some assignments.

don mckellar was there.

today is cod's birthday.

multigrain bread is good.

i've been writing poems.

i forgot the strawberries.

brought to you buy the letter “eh?”, the number 99 and the country of canada...

today is july 1st. it’s canada day. in honour of our country’s 141st birthday, here’s a list of 10 cool, unusual or awesome things invented by canadians:

* the zipper

* the paint roller

* the telephone

* trivial pursuit (the game, not the concept of pursuing trivial matters)

* the sport of basketball

* the pacemaker

* the snowblower

* insulin

* the IMAX film system

* the mcintosh apple

and you thought all we gave the world were jim carrey and celine dion. pishaw!

happy canada day, all.