i started rolling this entry around in my head yesterday, and it’s kind of fitting that i’m actually finishing it properly and posting it today since the theme of “change” seems to be a thread running through many things around me on this cool and autumn-like afternoon. i’ve done a fair bit of reflection over the past few months... probably since my birthday, which is always a time (like new year’s) when i do some assessment. some evaluation. some inventory. some review. some streamlining. some tweaking.
some changing.
only this year, as the days turned into weeks and then into months, i noticed more inner turmoil than i have in the past. maybe “turmoil” is too angsty a word, but it felt like something just wasn’t right. something was percolating. something, or perhaps various things, were “off” somehow. i was feeling unmoored and directionless, and i could feel myself grabbing at the wrong lifelines. for a while, i actually wound up backtracking where that changing had occurred or was in the process of occurring, which only served to slow things down or needlessly complicate progress.
but i’ve had some time for more in-depth analysis over the past several weeks, with the card deck of my life unexpectedly being reshuffled a few times. and i think i'm finally coming out on the other side. i keep revisiting my friend darren’s advice to “live your truth,” and the comments section of my own earlier blog entry about realizing the life you dreamed isn’t necessarily the life you’re living. as if by divine intervention, amid all this self-examination and ruminating, i’ve also had resources fall into my lap at the exact right times. freakishly coincidental signs (which are not coincidental, i know that) manifested themselves, and slowly but surely the puzzle pieces recently began to come together to form a clearer picture.
in a nutshell, i’ve changed.
despite occasionally feeling like this has all been a very recent thing, i started to look back, further and further, and realized that this entire process actually began a couple of years ago, when i lost my key freelance gig and moved out of hell house. up until that time, everything had pretty much been status quo for a good seven years or so, with little change on a personal, internal level. oh sure, stuff happened and there were ups and downs and such but, overall, life always returned to the same relatively even, predictable keel. but the one-two punch of job loss and apartment loss (even though the latter was my choice) clearly set in motion a huge amount of change.
change that, only now, is manifesting itself in a tangible way.
i can honestly say that the past two years have been unlike any others before them. over and over again, i could feel shifting... good and bad. i could feel change... that i might have initially perceived as bad but that has revealed itself as good. only yesterday did i have the small epiphany that the person i was in october 2006 is vastly different than the person i will be come october 2008. i’m not the same vickie i was two years ago. after a lengthy and frequently turbulent period of unease, discord and the occasional burst of emotional anarchy, i’ve changed.
the dictionary defines “metamorphosis” thusly: a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism. well, yep. that’s what’s been happening to this organism. and, to draw upon a tired, old metaphoric cliché, the caterpillar’s slime-filled struggle to emerge from its cocoon is sort of what i’ve been doing, i think. don’t get me wrong – i’m not likening myself to a butterfly (unless it’s the the one in the intersection) – but i do feel like i’ve been wriggling (with tremendous conscious and subconscious effort) out of a shell in which i’ve lived for a while. perhaps too long. it wasn’t a bad shell, and it served its purpose; it's simply one that i’ve since outgrown.
looking at vickie 2006 vs. vickie 2008, i notice distinct differences. work has changed, tastes have changed, interests have changed, geography’s changed, life has changed, friendships have changed, spirituality has changed and, once again and most importantly, i’ve changed. i feel a bit like i’ve started to go from an observer to a participant in my own life. that i’m starting to get my head out of the imaginary and placing it more squarely in reality, with whatever warts may come along. that i’m starting to pay more attention to me in a self-loving way than to the wants and needs of others, which may be detrimental to (or in direct conflict with) my own. and i’m learning that doing so isn’t actually a sin.
just moments ago, my friend jen emailed me and, within her message, she asked the following (rhetorically, and in relation to a story she’d told about herself, but still):
“do you ever wonder if you might actually want things you've never considered?”
strangely, and simultaneously not strangely at all, that’s exactly what i’ve been wondering. she hit the nail on the head without even knowing about this entry today. the answer to the question is yes. a resounding yes. and i think all this changing – the good, bad and the ugly – has been part of the journey to figure out what those things might be. the breaking of old habits, the discarding of old baggage, the shedding of that old cocoon in order to consider the new.
i’m also starting to realize (yes, perhaps a little later than i should) that rolling with the change and not fighting it at every turn might be the key to getting to wherever it is i’m going. i feel the seeds of new growth starting to sprout beneath the surface. new ideas. new plans. new directions. just poking their tiny heads out for now, but definitely on the brink of popping up through the soil.
and, instead of being fearful or angry or frustrated or resistant that it’s happening, i’m kind of excited to see how everything continues to unfold, and how my life continues to change.
