at my meditation group last night, we were talking about articles we’d read that relate to the meditation practice or spirituality or simply how to get through one’s day.
one of the women in the group mentioned this article about baths as meditative undertakings. basically, if one is trying to live a mindful life, then the process of disrobing, bathing, stepping out of the tub, drying off and getting dressed again (or not) should be viewed as an opportunity for being present. that one should be fully engaged in this activity that, normally, we all perform on auto-pilot. i mean, when was the last time you really and truly paid attention to your bathing – and ONLY your bathing – while you were in the shower? not thinking about work, or family, or that argument you had earlier, or that event you have to go to in a few days, or what you’’ll make for dinner, or where you can pick up those socks you need, or countless other things that float around in your head on any given day. just being fully there, alone in your shower.
it’s a great practice if you can manage it. shut the world out for a short while. i, for one, am never able to do it for more than about eight seconds at a time. though, i am learning to pay closer attention to the times when i’m not paying attention.
but i digress...
towards the end of that linked article, the author suggests that a person could write their autobiography based on important or memorable baths in his or her life.
and that concept sparked discussion in our meditation group. i thought it was a brilliant idea – using some sort of key task or object or theme and writing one’s life story around it. it wouldn’t have to be baths, it could be anything that’s repeated at different times, on different occasions, with different meaning and different feelings.
the group tossed out ideas: a life as told through beds. or houses. or kitchens. or breakfasts. or weddings. or schools. or shoes. or jobs. or cakes (my contribution, thankyouverymuch).
eventually, we moved on to other topics and other readings, but my mind stayed stuck on this autobiographical idea. i really like it. using baths as a touchstone wouldn’t necessarily work for me, because – though i’ve had some great baths – i’m mostly a shower girl and the bathing process hasn’t been a marker, per se. but the bigger-picture concept... i just love it, and from it a wealth of writing projects could spring. the thinking cap is on.
so, at some point, i’ll decide on an object and get to writing. not sure what it’ll be yet (it may very well wind up being cake), but i’m kind of excited about the process as a whole.
sometimes i wish i could stand in the middle of nowhere and just scream as loud as i can for as long as it takes to get it all out.
woke up
went to IKEA with mom
waded through wet parking lots
waited for our waitress
wandered through wal-mart
wanted cookies
witnessed my toilet being silenced
washed carrots
wished
walked to the subway
watched Up
wiped away tears
wished harder
waited
wondered
wrote a blog entry
whatever
* the flapper valve in my toilet tank isn’t sealing properly. this means that the water verrrrrry slowly leaks into the bowl, and the tank partially refills itself every 20 minutes or so. i could probably fix it myself, but if i break anything in the process i’m liable. ergo, i’ve called the super, and she’s coming to fix it sometime this week. it’s not urgent – it doesn’t affect the toilet’s functioning, but it does waste water. i’m standing by.
* in related news, the up-and-down nature of temperatures in toronto lately means that the heat in my building occasionally goes on... and then off for a day or two... and then back on... which results in a quiet, gentle tip-tip-tap-tapping behind the radiators as the pipes expand and contract.
* i bought a head of garlic that’s kind of purple. at first, i thought this was a sign of dead-old garlic, but my mom loves it. so, tonight, i will grate and sautée a few cloves for spaghetti sauce.
* today’s horoscope on my page-a-day calendar reads: “even though the universe’s timetable (soon) and yours (yesterday!) could differ, list your wishes. that way, you can have it put on the itinerary when you’re asked – which you will be.” i find this very interesting... given my affinity for universe lists, signs and the current state of my emotional affairs. i wouldn’t mind the universe stopping by for cake and asking me for my list. like, right now.
* to that end, i mentioned last week that i need some paid work, and the universe did, apparently, hear me. i have two good-sized writing assignments now, with one more pending. i’d sent out a bunch of pitches last week, and a few of them stuck.
* on the non-paying-writing front, another set of lyrics are done and being shaped into a song. i look forward to hearing the words and music (which had already been written) put together.
* i don’t care about American Idol. sorry.
* tomorrow morning, i’m meeting my mom for a rainy-day shopping jaunt to IKEA. she was in there lately and said there’s a ton of new stuff *plus* a ton of clearance stuff. so, since the weather promises to be dreary, anyway, we’ve decided to meander indoors. i’m kind of hoping to find a (cheap) new duvet set. normally, i’d wait for my next cross-border shopping trip with young beatrix, but i’m not sure when that will be.
* that said, i *think* my next cross-border shopping trip with young beatrix will be in late june.
* i saw Star Trek and thought it was just okay.
* as an experiment, i picked up a small bottle of “optimism,” the new scent at B&BW. i liked the idea of saying “i bought some `optimism’...”, and i also wanted to see whether it had any effect at all on me. i mean, the relaxing and energizing scents are meant to affect their wearers accordingly, and i felt like i needed some optimism, so why not? turns out, i dig the scent but haven’t noticed any difference, psychologically or emotionally.
* i was supposed to get my semi-annual haircut tomorrow, but it’s been pushed back a day because my stylist won’t be in, after all. i’m about three months overdue for a shearing but, with almost no income for 2009 thus far, i wanted to postpone it as long as possible. so, it’s been about seven months since i sat in the salon chair. i suspect the difference will be negligible, but there are dead ends that need to be cut off. literally and metaphorically, it turns out.
* i am almost out of flavoured coffee syrup.
* there’s nothing on TV tonight.
* it's possible to develop eye strain from searching for the silver lining on the wrong cloud.
a couple of days ago, i wrote about signs from the universe. i mentioned that, on occasion, those signs spring up in the unlikeliest places. this past sunday and the sunday before, they sprang from evangelical speaker joel osteen.
i know.
believe me, no one was more surprised than me.
two sundays ago, i was channel surfing and stumbled upon osteen’s TV ministry. he was speaking in some kind of gigantic indoor stadium to tens of thousands of people.
i clicked right on past. i’m really not a fan of “televangelism,” and wasn’t in the mood to be preached at. plus, he looked so incredibly... happy. surely, i thought, he’s just another pretty huckster looking to fleece his congregation. next!
but in my random surfing, i kept going back to his program. then i started listening. and i was surprised that there was actually very little “preaching” going on. there was no fire-and-brimstone-y quoting from the bible and shouting dire warnings about repentance (or donations) at the massive crowd. instead, it had a very distinct, life-coach-y, tony-robbins-esque vibe to it.
i put down the remote and kept watching.
by the time i’d tuned in, the hour-long program was almost half-over, but i was stunned at how relevant what he was saying was to me and my life on that morning. the theme of the lecture was “never give up.” he talked about hope, and about doubt, and fear, and staying true to your dreams... and it was as though everything coming out of his mouth and through my TV was exactly what i needed to hear. there were the occasional references to the bible but, from where i was sitting, the core of his motivational speech was more about spirituality and self-improvement than Christianity. in fact, you could very easily substitute the word “universe” or the name of any deity you’d like into his words and the meaning would remain the same. (as an aside, i looked up osteen this morning and discovered that he’s actually been criticized by the evangelical community for not being more of a Bible-quoting, wages-of-sin type minister. go figure.)
when the hour ended, i felt strangely moved by what i’d watched, and somehow felt... better. but i kind of shrugged it off and figured maybe i was just hearing what i wanted to hear because, really, how could an evangelical minister have anything that could be truly relevant to me?
but, last night, it happened again. and, once again, it was completely by accident.
i hadn’t thought about osteen or his teaching since last sunday morning, and certainly wasn’t looking for him when i channel-surfed past him again last night.
this time, when i stumbled upon his TV ministry, i stopped right away to pay attention.
and, once again, it’s as though somehow i was hearing exactly what i needed, right when i needed it. i know it sounds loopy, and (again) i was just as surprised then as you might be right now. to put it into some kind of context: it was the equivalent of me sitting on the couch thinking, “i have a headache, and i wish i had a slice of chocolate cake, a bowl of cheesies and a pony...” and tuning in to hear him say, “so, if you’re sitting on the couch with a headache and thinking you wish you had a slice of chocolate cake, a bowl of cheesies and a pony...”
he was talking about issues with which i’ve been struggling, and the subject matter of last night’s lecture – which was two-fold: getting rid of your “crutches” and learning to live up to your own potential despite naysayers or your own naysaying – was so dead-on for me that i was locked in. when i finally got drowsy i headed to bed, but i felt weirdly comforted... like i’d found osteen again because i was meant to hear what he had to tell me. that the messages he was sharing with this enormous stadium filled with people were also intended as reminders for me.
say what you will, but i found his style – laid-back, funny, charismatic, occasionally self-deprecating but always, always, always encouraging – very much to my liking. it really was motivational more than religious, and what he said was helpful.
and, even though the religious concept of being “born-again” is not one to which i subscribe, there is something to be said for the metaphorical rebirth (however small or on whatever emotional level) that can happen when you take a second to ignore your own prejudices and listen to what might seem like an unexpected, perhaps even unlikely or unusual, messenger.
for a long time, i’ve been a big proponent of signs from the universe.
that, if you stay awake and aware, the universe will send you little hints and suggestions and random bits of guidance to help move you through your life. it could be something you read that strikes a chord, or something you hear that gives you pause, or something you experience that tips your internal scales one way or the other. encouragement or warnings or support or what have you. if you look for them, you can find them often and sometimes in the most unusual places.
for me, some of those places are visited regularly. i have a page-a-day horoscope calendar that is sometimes freakishly accurate, as though its pages remain blank until just before i tear off the previous day’s entry... and whatever i need to read magically materializes within the about-to-be-exposed message a few seconds before i see it.
i have a magic 8-ball that i consult when i’m really torn over a yes-or-no question, and it’s frequently the deciding vote. on occasion, what the magic 8-ball decrees is what i do.
i check my chinese horoscope, my annual forecast (every january 1st) and, as we know, am a firm believer in the retrograding of the solar system’s smallest planet.
i’m also a big fan of rob brezsny’s free will astrology (which is published in assorted newspapers and weeklies across north america), which i find to be perfectly vague but nonetheless interesting.
in addition to those standard-issue consultants, i try to stay open to the appearance of other signs. if i accidentally surf to the wrong bookmark when i’m online, i check out the site on which i land just in case i was meant to go there for some reason. if i’m channel surfing, i pay attention to what’s clicking past and to what suddenly catches my attention. i try to listen mindfully and act mindfully. i try to pay attention... to people, to what they say, to what they do, how they feel... and i try to learn as i go.
but lately i’ve started to wonder if what i’m really getting are legitimate signs or simply affirmations of what i think i want. am i really receiving the messages i’m meant to receive, or have i unknowingly adopted some kind of selective “hearing,” so that anything that doesn’t support what i want is somehow filtered out or omitted?
because what i’ve realized is that, sometimes, i completely ignore signs. and not just teeny, subtle ones. big, gigantic, flashing, neon-lit, billboard-sized signs. the universe is practically screaming in my face and yet, despite my new age-y approach to sign reception and interpretation, i choose to close my ears and plug my ears because whatever sign i’m very clearly seeing doesn’t support what i want. i tell myself that i know best, that the enormous “stop” sign in front of me is, in fact, just the universe challenging me to overcome some obstacle or testing my determination. lame, i know. i mean, sure, sometimes we do face challenges and we do have obstacles to overcome in order to get to where we should be. but, other times, the proverbial road is marked as closed for a reason, and it would be in our best interest to abide by the caution signs and follow the orange traffic cones along a much wiser detour route.
they key, for me, i figuring out which is which.
so, i’ve been pondering that facet of my existence lately, and examining whether i’m really trekking along the path on which i'm meant to be, or simply picking and choosing which signs i choose to follow.
is the "wrong" path actually somehow the right one in the bigger picture, so that i learn a much-needed lesson as i go?
do i treat all “signs” with the same consideration, or do i omit the ones that i don’t particularly like, no matter how painfully obvious they might be?
more specifically, am i simply looking for “permission” from the universe to do what i want to do (and probably will do), anyway... even if it’s to my own detriment?
methinks, yes.
so, i’ve been a weird funk for the past few days... just feeling generally irritated and fed up. it was like there was a little ziggy rain cloud hovering over my head, and i was standing in a puddle of my own disgruntlement. (as an aside, maybe a bad mood makes me productive because, despite everything, i managed to get quite a bit of work done.)
i’ve felt like just holing up in my apartment for the next month and not talking to anybody or doing anything.
but tonight, my mood brightened and i’m writing this feeling much better. because, sometimes, the cure for what ails you is $99 seats at a sub-par production of Riverdance, with some excellent company.
in the same way i get free movie tickets, my friend j-dub gets free event tickets, so she generously invited me along to tonight’s performance of the irish-dance extravaganza, which is currently on the five-week (!) toronto stop of its “farewell tour.” only, the extravagance is kind of gone and the show is now a cheesy shadow of its former self.
when Riverdance was first unleashed on the world in the mid-1990s, i was ALL over it. my mom and i went to see it when it came through town, and we watched gobsmacked as original principal dancers michael flatley and jean butler lit up the stage. we loved it. the precision with which the dancers performed was mesmerizing, the music was beautiful and, for a good time after we left the theater (like, two years or so) we were obsessed with all things Riverdance-y. my parents bought the soundtrack AND the DVD, and we were well-versed in the world of celtic dance.
cut to tonight...
ummm.... not so great any more. say what you will about michael flatley, but the man knew how to put together a crisp, polished, perfect show. unfortunately, a lot of that meticulous attention to detail was nowhere to be seen onstage ce soir. synchronization was off repeatedly, so knees and toes and arms and shoulders that should have been in unison were not. the two principal dancers had no chemistry and were mostly uninteresting, and a number of the troupe members were equally meh. the flamenco dancer, though, was spectacular, as were the two tap dancers, who had the crowd cheering. their work was stellar. nonetheless, we both agreed that, had we had to pay for those $99 seats, we would have felt seriously cheated.
but the evening wasn’t so much about the show as simply having a really wonderful night out with a friend. despite the lacklustre event, we had a great time just talking and laughing and sharing and making fun of the lead guy’s horrible hairdo.
it was exactly what i needed, right when i needed it. frivolous, fun and filled with flying feet.
fantastic.
given yesterday’s more serious, introspective entry, i thought perhaps i’d lighten the mood a bit.
anyone who’s been on facebook within the past six months or so has no doubt read or written (or both) one of those 25 Random Things notes, wherein its author lists stuff – sometimes very personal and thoughtful, sometimes silly and outrageous, sometimes informative but guarded – about him- or herself. it’s meant to be an exercise in self-examination and/or simply allowing folks a glimpse into you and your life that they might not otherwise get.
for some, like me, it turned into an unexpectedly revealing undertaking. sure, i included the frivolous, but i also shared (perhaps overshared) minutiae of a deeper, somewhat darker, more truthful nature. as i’ve discussed here previously, i was reminded that some people prefer to know their friends on only a superficial level. so they’d rather read (or write) “i like kittens” over a lengthy bit of prose about loneliness or self-doubt or what have you. i get that. it’s not how *i* choose to operate, but i understand that, for some people, it’s much easier and much safer to keep the proverbial gates closed.
anyhoo...
i thought today i’d combine that 25 Things thing with one of my favourite challenges – the five-word sentence, i last used for a similarly tallied blog entry back in january.
i’m also going to attempt to not repeat any of the things i included in my previous list (which can still be found on FB).
so, voila:
1. i eat dessert for breakfast.
2. animal movies make me cry.
3. i really love my apartment.
4. i need to restart meditating.
5. hugging kyle makes me happy.
6. i have never eaten sushi.
7. eating sushi doesn’t interest me.
8. i eat dessert for lunch.
9. i am scared of wasps.
10. i do not like spiders.
11. i think walks are heavenly.
12. i want more keen shoes.
13. i’ve let my writing slack.
14. i need some paid work.
15. i love swimming very much.
16. i eat dessert for dinner.
17. i watch less TV now.
18. big parties make me nervous.
19. i think target popcorn rocks.
20. i miss going to chicago.
21. free samples make me giddy.
22. free cake makes me giddier.
23. (the above doesn’t include fruitcake.)
24. i must value myself more.
25. i am a good person.
i have a friend who lives by that credo.
“expect nothing.”
he feels it’s a concept that can apply to all areas of our lives and that, in removing expectation from our day-to-day equations, we can seriously reduce the disappointment we experience. rather, the door would be left open to whatever might (or might not) waltz through it, and the opportunity for unexpected delight would increase.
he frequently encourages me to adopt this practice. i’ve tried but, thus far, it’s been a challenge.
i know the intended sentiment is “be neutral.” don’t anticipate, don’t judge, just live in the moment... whatever that moment might be. but even though i do try to live in the moment, i still have a hard time expecting nothing, especially when it comes to other people. as such, and not surprisingly, i sometimes find myself disappointed.
because sometimes i actually want something. maybe i don’t expect it, but i certainly hope for it. it’s a fine line, and i think that’s the root of my problem.
many years ago, i had a different friend who proudly lived by the same “expect nothing” motto but, in her case, she used it as an excuse for her poor treatment of other people (me included). the justification for behaving badly or insensitively or thoughtlessly was simply, “well, you shouldn’t have expectations.” it was, in her mind, not her problem but an issue the rest of us had.
and, to some extent, she was correct. we knew better. if someone always displays negative personality trait A, it’s kind of silly to expect that they’ll suddenly surprise everyone by embracing positive personality trait B. one can hope for it, certainly, but to expect it? foolish.
i mention all this because i find myself grappling with expectation vs. hope vs. disappointment. i know that placing my own expectations on situations outside my control is a completely futile exercise. i know it. but that doesn’t mean i’m able to stop hoping for the outcome i desire.
the struggle, i guess, lies in finding a happy medium between expecting nothing and hoping for everything, then simply accepting whatever comes.
apologies for the excessive delay in proper blogging.
when last we left our heroine, she was throwing out lofty promises like an entry-a-day plan and then... zip. but sometimes life gets in the way of things, and other times you simply just lose your mojo. it was a bit of both in my case. i hit a stretch where i felt like i really didn’t have anything to say about anything, so i said nothing.
it’s been a very tough 2009 so far, work-wise, with only a tiny handful of paid writing gigs. i’ve tried not to panic about it, tried to use the time to pursue creative opportunities instead, and i’m not in dire financial straits or anything. but it has been weighing on my mind more and more as time passes and assignments fail to materialize. fingers crossed that the money train resumes stops at my station in the second half of the year.
so, i figure now is as good a time as any to force myself to pick up the daily entry baton and run (or walk briskly) with it for a spell. so, "the plan" is back in effect, indefinitely. instead of setting a 30-day goal this time, i’ll just see how long i can keep it up.
to start, a random collection of minutiae:
* young beatrix and our mom returned from florida this weekend and brought me treats. sure, some folks might not consider a bottle of germ-X a “treat,” but i sure do.
* tonight, FOX is airing the premiere of a new dramedy series called Glee. i’m very much looking forward to this show, as it was created by the fella who brought the world Popular -- a show i lurrrrrrved, and one which had some of the same biting humour this new series seems to possess. unfortunately, FOX has also decided to air this lone episode now, with the rest of the show airing in the fall. i’m half-tempted not to watch, since i’ll have to re-watch it in september, anyway.
* my birthday is just over a month away.
* i have a craving for a toasted panera everything bagel with veggie cream cheese. instead, i will be having a leftover oprah’s favorite turkey burger™ with carrots for dinner. homemade chocolate-chocolate-pecan cookies for dessert.
* two sundays ago, i had a migraine. i don’t get them very often, but what they lack in quantity they make up for in quality. so, even though the migraine dissipated later that day, i was left with a four-day tension headache that would not die. my shoulders felt swollen and my entire shoulder-neck-head area was sore to the touch. i mention this because i have another headache right now, but it is much milder. that’s all.
* i love doing laundry at my parents’ house over doing it here in my building. for starters, it’s free. but my clothes also come out of the dryer smelling the way i want to them smell (i.e., like the detergent and fabric softener i use) instead of some dank amalgam of decades’ worth of residue which has accumulated in the apartment machines. i swear, no matter what i use when i wash stuff here, it comes out with the same non-descript chemical smell, and i don’t like it. i mention this because i did four loads of laundry chez maman and papa yesterday, so everything i own is now fresh and clean.
* long, long walks with good friends are food for the body, mind and spirit. yeah, i know, i’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.
* summer is approaching. the weather today is nice – sunny and breezy and about 20ºC (68ºF) – but i’m dreading the heat to come. i wish it could be like today every day for the next three months. and then autumn would arrive with its brisk nights, changing leaves and sweaters.
* i discovered that my favourite hair-care product (suave professionals sleek anti-frizz liqui-gel) has gone the way of so many of my favourite products: discontinued. dammit. so, last night, i tried out suave professionals sleek anti-frizz cream and the results were... disappointing. it was a bit like smearing lard all over my head, and i’m pretty sure it’s actually a frizz enhancing product.
* if you aren’t watching Southland, you’re missing the best new show to come along in ages. it’s fantastic. brilliantly written and acted. it’s my sole must-see series on the air right now (since the season finale of LOST aired last week). thursday nights at 10 on NBC. you’re welcome.
addendum: i did, indeed, watch Glee... and it was great.
for the past eight or nine years, i've bought a small page-a-day horoscope calendar for my astrological sign. i consult it daily, as though it might be some kind of oracle. occasionally, its messages are so freakishly, alarmingly spot-on that it feels otherworldly. other times, it's completely meh.
nonetheless, i liked today's horoscope, which was this:
Be proactive. Provided that you take the initiative (instead of sitting there politely waiting for them to find you), doors should start swinging open and things should start to happen.
now, i realize that the above could apply to anyone at any time in his or her life, and is the kind of malleable, all-purpose message that fits just about everybody at some point. but i'm trying to be proactive. i'm trying to take initiative.
and i'm really ready for some new doors to start opening, and for some partially opened doors to finally stay open.
regular blogging will resume shortly.
and i'm thinking of another post-a-day initiative.
today was my last day housesitting and, because she was sick at home anyway, young beatrix came over early to relieve me of my duties. she’d come over for dinner last night – i made baked marinated chicken breasts, roasted carrots and yukon gold potatoes with browned butter and chives (i know! fancy!) – despite not feeling great, and woke up today feeling just as crappy.
before she arrived late this morning, i set about returning the house to the condition in which i found it. actually, better condition. i cleaned all the bathrooms and the kitchen sink. refolded blankets, and fluffed and rearranged pillows. i put all my stuff away – the toothbrush, the toothpaste, the conditioner, the soap, etc. – and made sure everything was perfect before packing up my stuff and heading home.
despite my initial concerns that i’d basically be spending a week in exile on the outskirts of the city, i really enjoyed my stay. i loved having mr. poo follow me around, anxious to curl up in my lap anytime i sat down. i liked having a choice of rooms in which to eat or watch TV, and i found the comparative silence rather soothing. i liked feeling responsible for the house in which i grew up.
even the emotionally exhausting sorting process left me feeling strangely cleansed by week’s end.
so, it was good.
today's casualties: none. strange. perhaps they finally learned their collective lesson...
