“expect nothing”
i have a friend who lives by that credo.
“expect nothing.”
he feels it’s a concept that can apply to all areas of our lives and that, in removing expectation from our day-to-day equations, we can seriously reduce the disappointment we experience. rather, the door would be left open to whatever might (or might not) waltz through it, and the opportunity for unexpected delight would increase.
he frequently encourages me to adopt this practice. i’ve tried but, thus far, it’s been a challenge.
i know the intended sentiment is “be neutral.” don’t anticipate, don’t judge, just live in the moment... whatever that moment might be. but even though i do try to live in the moment, i still have a hard time expecting nothing, especially when it comes to other people. as such, and not surprisingly, i sometimes find myself disappointed.
because sometimes i actually want something. maybe i don’t expect it, but i certainly hope for it. it’s a fine line, and i think that’s the root of my problem.
many years ago, i had a different friend who proudly lived by the same “expect nothing” motto but, in her case, she used it as an excuse for her poor treatment of other people (me included). the justification for behaving badly or insensitively or thoughtlessly was simply, “well, you shouldn’t have expectations.” it was, in her mind, not her problem but an issue the rest of us had.
and, to some extent, she was correct. we knew better. if someone always displays negative personality trait A, it’s kind of silly to expect that they’ll suddenly surprise everyone by embracing positive personality trait B. one can hope for it, certainly, but to expect it? foolish.
i mention all this because i find myself grappling with expectation vs. hope vs. disappointment. i know that placing my own expectations on situations outside my control is a completely futile exercise. i know it. but that doesn’t mean i’m able to stop hoping for the outcome i desire.
the struggle, i guess, lies in finding a happy medium between expecting nothing and hoping for everything, then simply accepting whatever comes.
9 comments:
In thinking about this, I know that I expect honesty. Not wish or hope for it. I expect honesty.
That said, we have to be careful about expectations, because they obligate others in ways that we don't really want.
So while we might expect honesty in the way anyone has a right to expect justice or decency, we can make a mess of things if we expect to be treasured or praised or thanked.
but how does one stop hoping for those things?
or is the "hope" just thinly veiled expectation?
This whole exchange is brilliantly koan-like. The more you look at it the deeper it seems. I think you're so right about the accepting whatever comes. Maybe it's like what Noel Coward said.... (Did I just write that?) Here it comes. He said, "Everything turns out for the best for me because I am damn well determined that it shall." (Which can be applied after the fact too.)
you know, i may just write that quote on a piece of paper and stick it on my fridge.
i like it, and it sort of harkens back to my jan. 1st entry... which i clearly need to reread, reabsorb and remember.
Only if "the best" is what we let it be, because it is rarely what we hoped or planned or expected. It seems a useful idea to "make" the best of whatever plows into us.
Hope is a very powerful, positive force, and not something I'd recommend trying to give up.
As for how hope is different than expectation, I'd put it this way: hope includes the unexpected. As a specific thing, an expectation can easily be shattered by events beyond your control. Of course, hopes may look more distant at times, but because they aren't so specific there's always the possibility your hopes will be fulfilled in some way you haven't imagined. Hopes are yours alone, as safe from disappointment as you choose to make them.
oh, i love that hope vs. expectation analysis! thank you, matt.
and lou, you're right -- it goes back to accepting whatever comes. but maybe more than just accepting it, celebrating it or coping with it, depending on the scenario?
A celebration seems like the best we could make of anything, yes. :)
(with cake.)
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