bubbles

living in toronto, i frequently ride the subway.

so do thousands of other people. and, for the most part, each of us remains in his or her own bubble as we rocket along the tracks in a sea of strangers.

sure, sometimes someone steps out of a bubble or bursts into yours, but usually everyone is lost to ipods, blackberries, naps, newspapers, laptops, books or just staring out the window and thinking about dinner.

tonight i saw someone very much in her own bubble, and it was simultaneously fascinating and sad to witness.

she was a young woman, maybe mid-20s, sitting next to a window. she had long black hair, was dressed in men’s clothes (also all black) and had very large, very dark sunglasses on. her jaw was locked shut and she looked like she was frowning. she was listening to an mp3 player. motionless.

at first i thought she was really angry. her body language was rigid, and that frown was cemented in place. she looked mean. and scary. there was no one sitting beside her, and it felt as though the energy she was giving off was a very clear, very strong, very loud “do not f**k with me.”

then i saw her unclench one of her fists to reveal a kleenex, which she moved towards her face.

as nonchalantly as she could, she pushed it under her sunglasses and wiped away tears.

then she immediately resumed her statue-like pose.

and i couldn’t stop glancing over at her.

had i not glimpsed the tissue and tears in those few seconds, i never would have guessed she was crying. she wiped more tears, and let out a couple of barely audible (given the environment) sniffles, over the course of about four stops, and she was still on the subway when i got off.

but for the 10 minutes or so that i sat across the aisle from her, i wondered who she was and what might have happened to precipitate this very public private moment.

why was she crying?

did she just lose her job?

did someone break her heart?

was she coming home from visiting her mom in the hospital?

did she have to put her dog down?

so many questions. but no answers.

because sometimes you have to respect bubbles. and sometimes it’s just too daunting to try to pop one without invitation.