the night before

tomorrow is a big day.

i haven’t written anything about it here until now for a number of reasons. for starters, i didn’t want to jinx anything by speaking too soon. you know, like mentioning some exciting news only to have to retract it down the line because whatever it was had fallen through, or been cancelled, or just failed miserably.

i also didn’t really know what to say about it – i mean, i have a lot to say, but i didn’t know which part of it to write about or when. i felt i might wind up pouring out epic entry after epic entry if i began trying to sort through my thoughts via this blog, and i didn’t necessarily want that on display for the world to read. it’s been something of a tornado of emotions for me so, depending on the day, i might have written something exuberant or depressing or delighted or utterly panicked, and i didn’t want to inadvertently appear to pin any singular feeling to it one way or another. more importantly, i wanted to make sure that if i did write about it, i would do so eloquently and elegantly and poetically... which, in turn, just added unnecessary pressure to an already pressurized situation.

and, even though this blog itself is (purportedly) about my writing, this writing-related news felt, in some strange way, too personal to broadcast. too delicate. too precious. too mine. but, completely ineloquently and inelegantly and without much poetry, here’s the skinny:

tomorrow, i’m having my first-ever table read of a screenplay i’ve written.

eleven actors – like, actual actors who act, not just random friends and acquaintances who know how to read words off a page – will sit down at a large table and read my script aloud.

all of it.

all 102 pages.

all 31 speaking parts.

every last word from “fade in” through “the end.”

and that’s kind of a huge deal for me.

in fact, it’s basically been the only thing on my mind for the past few weeks. every waking hour, and plenty of the unconscious ones, as well. it has, at times, felt like the most amazing thing ever... and, at other times, like the most terrifying undertaking i could imagine. often, both at the same time. why? because it’s quite literally a life-changing moment that’s about to take place.

it’s a big step, this reading. in the grand scheme of the universe (or even my career) it may be minor, but in the snapshot of my life thus far, it’s major. it’s me going from the hypothetical to the actual for the first time ever. it’s me crossing a threshold into unexplored territory. it's me putting myself out there in a big, bold, brand new way. i realize it’s just a table read and only one component of a greater process that could take years, but it remains a significant – and previously untaken – step for me.

because it’s something that’s been so long imagined suddenly becoming reality.

tomorrow.

so, tonight, i’m nervous. i haven’t slept or eaten properly in days, and i know that’s only made the jitters – and the self-doubt and the anxiety and all that super-unhelpful stuff – worse. a thousand worries (both personal and professional) have flitted in and out of my brain since the planning for this reading began, and a thousand more fears (ditto) followed suit after that. to the point of distraction some days. over the past week or so, i’ve struggled to understand why, exactly, it’s been a bit of a rough go. i'm able to pinpoint a number of reasons, from fear of failure to fear of success and everything in between, but i think i may have accidentally stumbled upon a revelatory one yesterday.

i was talking with a friend on the phone, and she asked how i was feeling about tomorrow. without really thinking about it, and in the midst of a ramble, i said i was really anxious because more than anything else, for the first time, “it’s all about me.” meaning: i’m not used to being the center of attention, let alone in this way, but that’s what’s going to happen tomorrow night. the whole event is a reflection of me – my writing, my food, my friends, my future. all of it. and what if people don't like it? don't like the script? don't like the food? don't like each other? don't like me anymore once it's all done?

as such, i feel a bit like i’m getting ready to walk completely naked into a room full of people, who will then sit and judge me for about three hours. intellectually i know it’s not true. but, emotionally, it feels true. and that’s a bit of a scary proposition... but one i’m trying very hard to kick to the curb.

on a more positive note, though my stomach is knotted up quite nicely, i am looking forward to seeing how everything plays out, literally and figuratively. thankfully, i have some truly wonderful friends who have pitched in to help put it together, and i’ve been promised that the room will be a warm, friendly and “nice” one. i won’t know half the people there (which is also rather daunting), but i’m hoping for the best. all appendages are crossed.

if given the option, i would always much rather stand off to the side in the shadows than to be right smack dab in the spotlight. but, tomorrow night, that bright canon of light is going to be pointed squarely at yours truly.

and, you know, maybe it’s time, whether i feel ready or not. heck, one of the lines in the script is "leap, and i promise you the net will appear!"

so, tomorrow is a big day. because tomorrow, i'll be leaping...

(note: tomorrow is also lou's birthday. :-D)