nerves

tomorrow morning i have to go back to dr. textbook to get my ultrasound results.

and i’m really nervous.

this is the one time where i really want her to say, “well, the test showed nothing at all.” followed immediately by “everything is clear and good.”

the logical, rational part of my brain says, “quit screaming, you’re fine. the ultrasound will be clear, and everything you’ve been experiencing can be chalked up to the physical manifestations of stress, and you're going to feel so foolish for worrying about it at all.” it’s the part of my brain that’s read the countless web pages and articles i’ve googled day after day since last wednesday in a bid to reassure myself that my symptoms don’t match those of anything serious. it’s the part of my brain that paid attention when a number of my symptoms magically disappeared while i was away this weekend. it’s the part of my brain that’s sensible.

but the emotional, anxious part of my brain throws gasoline on the what-if flames and comes up with all kinds of unpleasant scenarios and diagnoses. it’s the part of my brain that read those same web pages and articles and tried to find matches. “aha! see? you’ve got that... oh, and that!” it whispered. it’s the part of my brain that’s given me nightmares. it’s the part of my brain that points out my deficiencies and then reminds me of all the reasons my fears might be well-founded. it’s the part of my brain that thrives on fear and worry.

and, as ever, it’s also the part of my brain that’s much louder, much more insistent and much more prone to grand flights of frantic fictionalizing.

so, tonight i’m trying not to listen.

i’m trying to distract myself.

i’m trying to tell myself that i’m okay, and that everything will go really well tomorrow.

and i’m trying to believe it.

(that said, if you wouldn’t mind thinking some good, all-clear thoughts for me, that’d be much appreciated, too.)