the funny thing about feelings

for a while, and i’ve mentioned this before, i’ve thought about launching an off-shoot blog called feelings: the blog.

i’ve written about feelings here in the past, but it always seemed like the wrong venue... especially given the jaunty sub-hed below the title above, and the occasionally darker emotions about which i've written. feelings often don’t fall under the “all things silly” banner and, even though they may spawn writing, they’re not exactly about writing or being a writer much of the time.

at first, it was more of a lark – what if i had a whole blog devoted to feelings? – but the urge to create that outlet has actually become greater as time’s gone on. i’m not sure why, it just has. there have been days when i’ve been out for a walk, trying to block out the negative soundtrack that often plays on a loop in my head as i go, and i’ve thought, “ugh, i should write about this and just get rid of it. i should have started that feelings blog!”

on those days, i realize if i’d built the blog already, i could just log in and write as soon as i got home. it would be so handy to have it all set up and ready to go when needed because, really, who wants to worry about choosing background colours and rewriting HTML code to format a blog template when a strong feeling suddenly wants to come out? it’s a bit like an emergency-preparedness kit: you put it together in advance so that you have it at the ready the instant you need it instead of scrambling around looking for bottles of water and flashlights and band-aids when the earthquake hits or the tornado blows through town.

but then the other half of my brain would promptly chime in, pointing out how self-absorbed and self-indulgent and eyeroll-worthy a feelings blog would be. “who the hell wants to read about you feeling sad or afraid or insecure? how lame and precious can you get? it'll be the online equivalent of a notebook of bad, angst-ridden teenage poetry... or, worse, leelee sobieski poetry. besides, you know what happens when you talk about feelings -- people flee!”

and, to some extent, that’s true. it is self-indulgent, and most people do scatter to the four winds when i bring up feelings... but maybe that’s okay in this context.

rather than having all my doubts and fears and insecurities and worries filling up every iota of space in my brain, and slowly eating away at it in the process, maybe – for my own sake – i need to put them somewhere else.

“but why in a blog?” i hear some of you say.

well, partly because i need to feel like i’m getting it out and away. that i’m in conversation with someone, even if that someone is just silently reading along, because it’s often in talking about things (or, for me, writing about them) that epiphanies can happen and understanding can emerge.

but i’m also going the blog route because i think many of the things i feel might, in some small way, be felt by other people. maybe the specific details or the circumstances or the colours of a situation are different, but the feelings are relatable. (or maybe not. who knows?) so there’s always a chance that someone else reading might think, “oh, you know what? i’ve been there, too. that’s happened to me. i’ve felt just like that.”

so, today, after much waffling, i broke metaphorical ground on feelings: the blog.

and, like the halting brrrrrrrrrpppt of a record-needle scratch, all the feelings that had been clamouring for attention for so long immediately froze, afraid to express themselves, as if overcome with a paralyzing case of performance anxiety.