H

a short trip to the library turned into a nearly two-hour walk this afternoon for two reasons:

1. the weather outside, though cold, was so wonderfully gorgeous that it practically demanded a nice, long walk.

and

2. i left the library and began a mental exercise that took another 90 minutes to complete, and i decided when i began that i wouldn’t go home until i was done.

lately, despite the clear blue skies and sunshine, my walks have been clouded with unsettling mental noise. no matter what my intent when heading out, it’s only a few blocks before the negativity soundtrack begins to play incessantly in my brain. it often starts with just a stray thought but, before i know it, my mind is trapped in a relentless loop of self-criticism, reminding me of all my problems, each of my failures, everything i’ve done wrong. and, no matter how often i try to hit the “stop” button or redirect my thoughts elsewhere, the soundtrack only fades out for a minute before it keeps right on playing.

sometimes, it’s not until i’m actually on the verge of tears as i’m walking that i snap out of my gloom spiral and realize what’s happening: that i’ve let the soundtrack play too long and too loudly. it’s embarrassing and frustrating, and i try to block that infernal playlist... but am often unsuccessful.

so, today, i was on my way home from the library when i realized it was too lovely a day not to extend my walk home. and, sure enough, a few steps later the soundtrack started up... but i stopped it.

angry at myself for doing it yet again, i decided to shut it off immediately and to come up with some kind of distracting mental activity so that my brain would be too occupied to focus on all the things wrong with my life and with myself. it’s so very easy, especially for me, to dwell on the lack or the loss or the leftover feelings, but hard to remember there are always good things present right alongside the not-so-good.

that’s when i had the idea to go through the alphabet and, letter by letter, mentally list all the good things in my life – people, places, things, feelings, whatever... stuff that makes me happy or stuff i like or just good stuff – that start with each letter, listing everything i could think of for one letter before moving on to the next.

i really didn’t think it would take me that long, but i was surprised that, as i went, i was coming up with more than just a handful of words... likely because i hadn’t factored in exactly how many seemingly insignificant things are actually good.

apples, babies laughing, cat whiskers, december... and on it went, each letter bringing unexpected results.

but one letter turned out to hold more meaning than the rest.

H.

H was a powerful letter. and, as i slowly began to realize H’s importance, i made a mental note to remember the words that were coming to mind:

heart
home
happiness
humour
hellos
help
horses
hounds
harps
hummingbirds
hamburgers
hot dogs
hot chocolate
health
holidays
hula hoops
halloween
honey
hoodies
honeycrisps
history
hats
heaven
hope
hugs
healing
i enjoyed all the letters, and the tiny reminders i was giving myself, but H was my favourite. i kept going, finishing off the alphabet just as i arrived at my apartment... repeatedly drifting back to H.

as i walked through my door and took off my jacket, i felt very satisfied.

because not only had i come up with all sorts of words but, for an hour and a half of walking, thinking of things i like meant the self-destructive soundtrack stayed completely, blissfully silent.