ow... oh, i see... ow...

yesterday, i was a kind of a mess.

then i had a very helpful meeting with my nurse friend and calmed the f**k down.

i'm going to try not to worry about my creepy new neighbour unless he actually does something to merit legitimate worry.

and i've realized that the lack of security and stability i feel, both personally and professionally, is (clearly) beginning to adversely affect my overall well-being. more and more, i feel unmoored and panicked, and i am craving something solid and certain in my life.

to that end, i've actually started thinking about returning to full-time work. at the moment, it's the only thing i can think of that might bring some structure and purpose to my day-to-day existence, so that i might feel less like i'm completely spinning off my axis. it's still just a thought, but the more i examine what my life's become, the more i feel like it has no direction and that so much of me is just atrophying as time ticks on by.

anyway...

amidst all this tumult, or perhaps because of it, lefty has been freaking out.

it woke me up around 4am today, throbbing and pinging until i finally turned over lay on my back. it's been kicking me in the gut on and off all day since, sometimes suddenly and sharply so that i actually let out an audible noise when it hits. i'm not sure what's happening, but i'm choosing to believe that the pain i'm feeling is a result of lefty having a slow leak... which would mean that it's shrinking.

and that would be good.