when bad things happen to bad ideas

this morning, young beatrix and i made an error in judgment when it came to choosing a parish at which to attend easter sunday mass.

my parents’ church, which has an excellent priest (sarcastic, funny, dry, contemporary and fully “with it”) known for his speedy masses, is unfortunately usually packed, so we opted to visit a church near to YB’s house. it was the same one we went to on christmas eve, and it was fairly empty when we went, so we figured we’d try it again.

and so began our experience at the worst easter sunday mass ever.

the parish is obviously launching some kind of “let’s make church cool!” initiative aimed at... i really have no idea. maybe attracting a younger demographic? doesn’t matter, though, because if this morning’s service was any indication, it’s an idea filled to overflowing with fail.

for starters, they had a band. not a trio, not an ensemble, not a collection of chorale singers, a band. as in, the kind of awful, painfully amateur band – made up adults! – you’d see playing at a wedding or at the office christmas party. maybe nine members (i couldn’t really see), with electric guitars and an electric bass, and a synthesizer with a built-in drum machine. the lead singer was also on lead guitar, and there were three clueless women who were, i think, supposed to be his backing vocals.

i can’t be certain but, based on their lacklustre performance, this morning’s mass might have been the first time they’d ever played together. in fact, it might have been the first time any of them had ever met.

they were that bad.

as people filed into the church, the band was still working out (somewhat unsuccessfully) the “kinks,” which only drew further attention to their woeful inadequacy. they couldn’t get the projectors to show the correct lyrics to the songs they were singing. half of their microphones weren’t working. the bass wasn’t amped properly. and, no one – i mean NO ONE – in the congregation was following any of their pre-show instructions.

they tried to get the parishioners to practice the refrains. no one did.

they tried to get the parishioners to practice the new songs. no one did.

when the lead singer implored folks to join in because “the refrain to this one is really catchy!”, i almost wanted to throw a hymnal at him.

YB leaned over to me and said, “this is stuff they should have worked out an hour ago, not now!”

“this is stuff they should have worked out a week ago at a rehearsal,” i replied.

every single piece of music they played was beyond cheesy and fully terrible. it was all this really bad pseudo-pop music (again, in a misguided effort to appear hip) that smacked of something you’d see at a grade seven religious retreat. just because you throw “jesus” or “hallelujah” into the lyrics doesn’t make it a church-appropriate song. and adding a rumba beat (indeed) doesn’t really class up the tune, either.

for the duration of the mass, not one single hymn was sung. not one. nary a song that anyone had ever heard before, and none written anytime before the mid-1990s.

i suppose it might have helped a tiny bit if this band, oh i don’t know, knew the lyrics to the songs they were trying to sing. multiple times during the actual mass, they just sort of stopped singing, either because they’d lost their place or forgot the next verse or who knows why. or worse, they MUMBLE-SANG! they just kind of made weird mumbling noises instead of singing words until they re-found their spot in the sheet music.

sometimes, one or more of them were off-key. and the lead singer, clearly his own biggest fan, eventually began SHOUTING out random words within a song as though trying to pump up the crowd.

at one point, he actually shouted, “COME ON, SEND IT UP TO JESUS!”

and in my head i quietly replied, “if i was ever going to send anything up to jesus, it wouldn’t be THIS.”

i’m not sure where exactly he thought his group was performing, but we were in a catholic church on easter sunday. not at a revival, not at a faith healing, not at a christian-rock festival.

in addition to the musical mess, it seemed as though the presiding priest was completely lost. maybe he was thrown by the band, or maybe he just wasn’t prepared, but he kept losing his place. (note: this wasn’t some nervous, fresh-out-of-the-seminary priest who was given his first big gig, either.)

then, during his homily, he decided to use a really terrible metaphor to make his point. i *think* he wanted to convey the idea of having an open heart without negativity, but he opted to keep repeating “the empty tomb of your heart.” over and over again. “empty tomb.” i’m pretty sure i heard the faint wail of a sad trumpet blowing a “wah-waaaah” each time he said it. metaphors really should not be employed by the inexperienced or unpoetic.

oh, and by the way, he read his entire sermon. as in, the way you’d read a book report. head down. reading aloud. and, let me tell you, there’s nothing more boring than a homily with a sub-par metaphor that’s read and not spoken.

when it came time for the renewal of the baptismal vows, and the accompanying blessing of the congregation with holy water, the priests – again, keepin’ it fresh! – behaved as though they were about to pull super-soakers from under their vestments.

“... and now we’re gonna come out an splash you with water, so get ready to get really wet!”

seriously.

that’s what the priest said.

as if all of the above wasn’t enough, there was a robin trapped in the church.

it must have flown in earlier in the morning, and all it did for the EIGHTY-MINUTE service (note: easter sunday mass is usually about 50 minutes) was swoop back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, occasionally landing on a beam or, at one point, on the hand of a statue of jesus (which i actually thought was rather lovely). it did provide a welcome distraction, but it also preoccupied me with worry – how would it get out? what if it flew into a window pane and fell into the crowd? what if it was in distress and panicking?

poor robin.

and, really, poor churchgoers this morning. the entire mass was like an amateur hour run amok.

don’t get me wrong, i’m not a hardcore catholic. i’m lapsed, if anything. i don’t need my masses recited in latin and i don’t live my life by the rules of the vatican council. but decades of going to mass every single sunday means i’m familiar with tradition and process and structure. there are certain things i expect, and even appreciate, about a catholic mass on a major holiday. yet this easter sunday mass had none of them. i don’t even feel like i was at an easter sunday mass... which, perhaps, was the goal of the organizers. maybe they figured that by taking the church-iness out of church, they’d attract more parishioners.

then again, maybe they’re trying to cleverly thin out the congregation... because, after today’s embarrassment, i don’t think trix nor i will be visiting this parish again anytime soon.