travel tales: the bathing suit bummer

i love swimming. always have, always will. but it had been three years since my last swim when i suited up again on my first day in florida.

i couldn’t wait to get in the pool – something about being in water is just instantly relaxing for me, and i knew it would be fairly empty after 6pm – so i unpacked my bathing suit, put it on, grabbed my towel and headed downstairs.

success! empty pool! the water was warm (i’m choosing to believe it was from the heat of the all-day sun, and not from a dozen small children peeing in it en masse an hour earlier or something) and i got right in. i did some laps, treaded water for a while to work my stiff-from-the-plane muscles and floated on my back so that i could just gaze up at the cloudless blue sky with my ears underwater to muffle the (admittedly limited at that time in that location) sounds of the world around me. it was wonderful.

i swam for about half an hour, taking breaks to sit on the steps in the shallow end. when i did, i noticed that the bum area of my bathing suit felt strangely pill-y. you know, like a sweater when it gets pill-y. i wondered if years of use had perhaps compromised the integrity of the fabric, and if repeated seatings on steps like this might have “scuffed” the rear of the suit. after all, i’d worn this same suit for, i dunno, at least six years so a little wear and tear was to be expected.

i got out of the pool and walked over to where my mom had reclined on a deck chair. i dried off, wandering around the pool deck to look out at the beach and the setting sun, and then just kind of stood and absorbed the fact that i was on vacation.

it was only about an hour later, when we returned to the condo and i decided to doublecheck the questionable fabric on my bathing suit, that i came to the horrifying realization that the material was not only pill-y, it was TRANSPARENT.

yes, evidently my bathing suit – which i’d not worn in three years and which i didn’t test drive before that night’s swim – had reached its breaking point, and the fabric gave out on me, just dissolving or melting or floating away once i’d entered the water. i’m not exactly sure *what* happened to it, but it was nicely see-through. the bum area, along with a strip along each side of my ribcage, was THREADBARE.

i had a good hard laugh, then showed my mother, who – bless her – kept saying, “it’s fine! you can’t see anything!”

it wasn’t until after my shower, when the bathing suit was hung up to dry and i held it up to a light to demonstrate its newly installed “windows,” that she said, “oh. you’re right.”

and then laughed.

unsurprisingly, i wasn’t about to put that suit back on. like, EVER. so we spent almost all day the next day searching for a replacement. apparently, despite being florida, florida has precious few swim suits. lots of “fashion” suits – things made of dental floss, or embroidered with large flowers, or with a froofy skirt attached – but nary a speedo to be seen or found anywhere.

at dillard’s, i approached the saleswoman in the swimwear department to inquire after such a speedo.

“hi, do you carry speedos?”

she looked at me blankly.

“carry what?”

“speedos.”

“what do they look like?” (did i mention this was IN the swimwear department? i instantly lost any confidence i might have had that this woman would be able to help me.)

“well, they’re bathing suits.”

she looked around at the racks surrounding us, none of which were holding speedos or anything resembling something that wouldn’t leave me as naked as my threadbare suit.

“well, we have these...”

she pointed half-heartedly towards some very clearly labeled reebok bathing suits. i shook my head. (i’m sorry, but i refuse to buy a bathing suit manufactured by a shoe company.)

“thanks, anyway.”

this happened at every single department store we visited, as well as at ross and marshall’s, so i finally stopped a guy while he was buying a pretzel at auntie anne’s (OMG) and said, “excuse me, do you know if there are any sporting goods stores around here? like, within five miles or so?”

and he immediately suggested a nearby sports authority.

where they had racks and racks of speedos. and TYRs. and swimsuits people use to actually swim in.

and there, amid the vast selection, i found my new bathing suit.

on sale.

thus, with bum safely covered, i was able to swim freely once again.

fin.