FtB: from the inside out

[originally posted at feelings: the blog on june 1st, 2010.]

over the past few months, i’ve thought – and written – a lot about healing. its importance, the time it takes, and the hows and whys of the process.

lefty notwithstanding, it was my soul that needed healing, not my body. and the damage was all of my own doing. i fell into a dark hole of self-loathing and couldn’t understand why i was seemingly unable to pull myself together. i was struggling – i’d get a foothold and then slip again. feeling like a failure and a disappointment in all aspects of my life had fuelled the downward spiral, but my inability to shake it off just became further grist for the mill of despair – more proof that, obviously, i was a defective human being who ruins everything. including herself.

there were certainly periods of relief, and even joy, but inevitably they would be followed soon after by sadness, depression and guilt. i said little to anyone about any of it, and isolated myself more and more. often, in trying to fix things and make them better, i only wind up creating a bigger mess and causing collateral damage to others, so i just sat alone with those feelings and let them fester. grow. multiply. outwardly, i tried to be upbeat and positive; inside, i was covered in bruises.

you see, i am quite excellent at being my own worst enemy. at pointing out my own flaws, criticizing myself for my behaviour, and punishing myself endlessly for it all. no one will ever say to me the discouraging, destructive things i say to myself, and i’m the one who consistently treats me most poorly.

it wasn’t until a day a couple of months ago, after i’d spun myself so very, very low, that a tiny lightbulb somehow clicked on amid the darkness and began to glow brighter the more i looked towards it: how could i ever expect anything to heal when the person repeatedly causing me hurt, beating me down, slicing open new wounds and relentlessly picking at the scabs of old ones... is me?

i also began to understand that even if something truly is ruined because of me, condemning myself over and over again will never, and can never, un-ruin it. cultivating and nurturing those self-abusive feelings won’t actually change anything. it’s just a fruitless -- and deeply ingrained, unfortunately -- pattern with dangerously corrosive side effects. but one i'm trying to break.

the only thing i can do, and should do, and am learning to do, is to accept and forgive myself for who i am, learn whatever lesson(s) i'm meant to learn from my experience(s), and direct inwardly some of the love and comfort and kindness i give freely to others. only then will the healing truly begin... with me, because of me, from the inside out.

and, on that day, it did.