how to get a free bag of two-bite brownies at the grocery store

1. go to the grocery store.

2. plan to buy sensible food items. things with protein and fibre and vitamins and all sorts of other things that would no doubt please your dietician sister.

3. as you gather the aforementioned sensible food items, realize you also crave dessert but have nary a single dessert item at home.

4. decide to remedy #3 immediately.

5. weigh your dessert options: cookies? cake? cupcakes? pie? tarts? already made? bake at home? all of the above? realize you’re losing yourself in a sugar-and-chocolate-craving daydream and make your way towards the two-bite brownies.

6. examine the best-before dates on all the bags: sept. 22nd, sept. 25th and sept. 27th. begin putting a bag of the sept. 27th brownies into your basket, because clearly they are the freshest, but stop yourself when you realize the sign on the rack says “$3.99.” hem and haw over whether you really, truly want to pay $3.99 for a bag of brownies.

7. begin to put the bag back, but stop as soon as you realize that, despite the sign, these identically sized bags of two-bite brownies are, in fact, all priced differently.

8. survey the bags more closely until you discover all the sept. 25th bags are $2.99, but the rest of the brownies are all priced at $3.99. tell yourself there was obviously a sale at some point, and no one had bothered to correct the mis-priced bags when it was over. since $2.99 is a better price than $3.99, topple off the fence to the “buy the brownies!” side, take a sept. 25th bag and press on.

9. as you wander off, suddenly realize the store you’re in has a scanner guarantee, so that if an item scans at the incorrect price upon checkout, you get that item free. FREE! begin to get very excited about the possibility the assorted prices on the brownie racks mean your bag of two-bite brownies might turn out to cost you much much less than $2.99.

10. proceed to the checkout, trying not to tip your hand about the bakery gaffe. secretly hope the brownies scan at $3.99 and practice your “surprised” face so your shameless scheme for free brownies is somewhat less obvious to the cashier.

11. wait in line.

12. watch carefully as the cashier runs each of your items over the scanner. feel your heart skip a beat when she reaches for the bag of two-bite brownies and quickly sweeps them past the infra-red lights.

13. practically leap across the conveyor belt to point out that the bag of two-bite brownies scanned in at $3.99 when, in fact, “they’re supposed to be $2.99.”

14. witness the cashier sigh as she picks up your bag of two-bite brownies to call the bakery for a price check. gently point out the price tag right on the front of the bag. the price tag that very clearly reads “$2.99 – best before sept. 25/10.” feel time stand still, just for a nanosecond.

15. hear the words you’d so hoped to hear. “oh. then this is free. if it scans in wrong, you get it free.” feign surprise and a careful mélange of gratitude and glee. it’s always important to be happy about one’s good fortune.

16. collect your things, thanks the cashier and wish her a nice day, and then head home from the grocery store with your free bag of two-bite brownies and a little extra spring in your step.