done

a few minutes ago, i finished the outline for a brand new screenplay. on time. on deadline.

and though this might not amount to much in the grand scheme of the universe or seem like anything significant to anyone else, for me, right now, this is a big deal.

for starters, i now have before me a detailed blueprint from which to create a whole new project, with a collection of eclectic new characters, born of a fresh idea. and that's pretty cool. admittedly, that "fresh" idea is one that first sprang to my mind about five years ago. but, at the time, i simply jotted down a few sentences about what i thought the story might be and who the central players were. then i put it away, moved on to something else, and never really revisited it in any kind of serious way. i didn't forget about it; i just chalked it up to one of those fleeting ideas that maybe, someday in the future, i might look at again if i felt like it.

and, to be honest, i didn't feel like looking at it but, just over a month ago, i did anyway. though reluctant and relatively unmotivated, i knew i had to get writing again. i hoped having someone else hold me accountable and set deadlines for me might spur me to action and get the creative juices flowing again after a looooong drought. yet, even as recently as last week, i thought, "this was a dumb idea. i can't finish this. i've set myself up to fail. what was i thinking?"

but i didn't fail. and i made myself write. and words started coming out. not a flood right away, just a trickle at first. but it got easier and got better, even though i thought about throwing in the towel. several times.

so, to sit here and have a completed, coloured-in story -- with a solid beginning, middle and ending -- from which i can build a two-hour script is immensely satisfying.

more importantly, though, this finished outline is something that, six or seven months ago, i didn't think i'd ever want to do again. it was like a giant light had been turned off. back then, i had no interest in writing anything, least of all a screenplay, and the thought of sitting down to write an outline (or anything longer than a haiku) was the equivalent of thinking i'd sit down and write the entire dictionary. oxford, not webster's. it seemed too big, too daunting, too difficult... and i certainly wasn't in any shape, emotionally, to even contemplate embarking on that journey, let alone believe i might actually be able to finish it.

yet, i did.

and it's done.