that cat's meow

you know, i wish just one person, upon hearing the story of herbie/bones, had said:

“that was such a good thing you did, vickie. even though it was difficult for you and emotionally draining, you did the right thing. you rescued that little cat from the streets, gave it food and shelter and litter and a bed for the night, then brought it somewhere where it could receive the medical attention it needs and perhaps even be reunited with the owner who might have lost it. the cat is now safe and secure, warm and dry, eating and healing. good job.”

that would have been really nice.

but no one said that.

instead, with the exception of YB (whose analytical mind has been able to think rationally about this situation and who understands my concerns), the only thing i’ve heard is one variation after another on: “why didn’t you KEEP it?!? adopt that cat!!!!”

and the only thing that’s done is made me feel like a disappointment. like i’ve failed, or done something wrong, or made a big mistake, or heartlessly abandoned that cat. even though i know everyone meant well and wanted to be encouraging, the inadvertent side effect was me feeling like my kind act was rendered meaningless because, in fact, i hadn’t actually been kind enough.

yes, i LOVE animals and LOVE cats. yes, i’m lonely. but those two things aren’t reason enough for me to simply say, “okay, i’ll adopt!”

for starters, no one would ever dream of saying, “hey, you love babies and you’re lonely – you should adopt a baby!” or “you found a baby in the backyard? you should KEEP IT!”

there are plenty of people in the world who absolutely LOVE AND ADORE children but don’t have any of their own. same goes for pets.

adopting a cat is not something i take lightly. it’s a commitment of, potentially, 20 years. it’s a responsibility, and one that comes with its own set of costs. more importantly, in my opinion, having a support system when embarking on this kind of life-changing course is super-important. (and, make no mistake, it would be a life-changing course for me.)

thing is, i don’t have that support system.

i don’t have anyone around nearby who could help out – who could take care of the cat if i went on holiday, or tend to it for me in the event of an emergency, or just give me a lift to the vet's office so i don't have to take a cab – so i’d very much be a completely single parent... and i’m just not sure i’m ready for that.

likewise, for me, it’s not just a matter of “i like the cat, i’ll get the cat!”, it’s figuring out what that really means in the long run – after the novelty wears off. it’s about being realistic about my needs and expectations, the cat’s needs, and the actual hows of pet ownership.

how will i get to and from the vet? how will i find a good vet who doesn’t overcharge or whose rates are fair? what if the cat falls ill and needs surgery or expensive medication? am i ready to handle unforeseen costs that might be steep?

how will i deal with any behavioural problems that might arise with a cat? what if it won’t use the litter box (again)? what if it pees on my carpets? what if it tears up my furniture? what do i do with all my giant spider plants and assorted houseplants?

how will i cope if i bring this cat home and it’s suddenly not the cat i thought it was?

how will i manage to have a cat, and its stinky litter box, over the summers, when it’s hot and humid and my apartment is consistently above 80ºF?

how will i deal with the ambient litter-box smell? even the cleanest litter box has residual cat-pee odour, as do any carpets or furniture on which the cat walks after using the litter box, so what do i do to make sure my place doesn’t stink?

how will i go on vacation? or spend a weekend away? who’ll look after the cat while i’m gone? i know some people are fine leaving their cats home alone with food and water and then spending a night or two (or three) elsewhere, but i’m not. and boarding isn't free.

the questions go on. and, for me, having the answers, or at least some semblance of answer-like information so i can feel somewhat secure and confident, is key before proceeding. unfortunately, i’m not the kind of person who just dives into something this major and then hopes to figure it out later.

there’s also the issue of cost. amid hours of googling cat-related things today, i learned the estimated cost of basic cat care for a year has been calculated to be around $700 for food, litter, annual vet check-up, etc. if you’ll all recall, i had to declare a net loss on my taxes for 2009, and 2010 has been almost completely barren work-wise. thank god for my savings, because they’ve sustained me for the past two years... but i can’t keep living off them forever. if freelancing doesn’t magically pick up and i were to think about going back to work full-time to earn more money, then the cat would be alone all day... and that sort of defeats the purpose of getting a cat for company.

i also know myself well enough to know that were i to adopt this cat, my life would likely become All About the Cat. even the past few days have been completely consumed with this cat and i don’t even have it in my possession. i’m trying to get myself out of my own anxieties and fears and worries, not add more to the existing collection.

i’ve spent so much of this year trying to figure out my life and what i want and how i can get my shit together in a concrete way, and i still have no real sense of where i’m going or why or how. i’m still trying to get solid footing and find my direction. adopting a cat is a very definitive action at a time when i feel like i’m at my most uncertain. to me, that doesn’t sound like the ideal time to make any kind of long-lasting decisions, least of all expanding the family by adding a dependant.

all this to say, while i appreciate people’s enthusiasm at the notion of me bringing herbie home – and let’s not forget he’s not yet available for adoption, anyway, and must be held as a “found cat” at the shelter until the weekend – i also don’t want to feel guilted or pressured into doing something i might later regret. i'm the one who'd be responsible for the cat, and i really, really, really need to think it through.

this is not a cut-and-dry decision for me. it might be a very easy and obvious decision for someone else but, for me, right now, it isn’t.

so, while i continue to wrestle with what to do, i’ll keep reminding myself that i’m not a bad person if i don’t adopt herbie. if nothing else, at least i was a good samaritan who came into his life for a night when he needed me.