bring the crazy

portia degeneres – formerly portia de rossi – was the guest on oprah today.

she was on to promote the release of her book, Unbearable Lightness, and to discuss its subject matter. namely: her life. her struggles with eating disorders, her years as a closeted gay woman hiding her sexuality, and the eventual escape she found from those physical and emotional prisons. she said she’d wanted to write the book for a long time, but feared everyone would think her crazy if they knew what had really gone on in her head. it reminded me of my own conflicting feelings about this blog and what i write.

anyway...

you’ll recall the last time she was on oprah, with ellen, their appearance brought me to tears. so, not surprisingly i’m sure, i was on my couch at 4pm sharp this afternoon, ready to watch the whole hour.

and i’m glad i did.

partly because i think it was an important step in terms of the visibility of gay women, especially famous ones. there are plenty of people who still believe someone who looks like portia can’t be gay.

partly because the whole ellen/portia romance has been a source of hope for me, so i’m on board whenever either of them wants to share some of it. (if you haven’t watched their lovely wedding video before, i highly recommend it.)

but mainly because, somewhat to my surprise, i discovered portia and i share some common ground. and what she revealed, very openly and sometimes heartbreakingly, really struck a chord with me.

she talked about her shame and self-loathing – in her case, related to her eating disorder as well as her sexuality – and did so in such an honest way that i instantly recognized myself in her. the reasons behind the self-hatred might have been different, but the way in which she saw herself, and the way she treated herself as a result, felt very familiar.

i’ve never had an eating disorder, but i’ve certainly done a fair bit of damage to myself psychologically with deeply negative self-talk. hearing her recount the harsh words she would literally speak aloud to herself (because she believed speaking burned more calories than thinking and would, thus, make her thinner) was like listening to a transcript of some of my own thoughts about myself. if not the exact same content, certainly the identical sentiment. the pain in her voice was obvious as she read excerpts from the book, and i know that pain. i know that crazy. and, however über-clichéd or cheesy it might sound, it was comforting to know there are other women – even beautiful, successful, famous ones – like me out there.

perhaps the most moving moments, though, came towards the end of the interview, when portia talked about finding love, and what her relationship with ellen has done for her head as much as her heart. ellen had appeared earlier and talked about how loving and generous portia is, and how shocked ellen was when she learned of her wife’s inner demons given how amazing she is. portia, in turn, explained how her life has been turned around for the better in so many ways since meeting, falling for, and marrying ellen. choking back tears, she said, “love really does heal you.” i felt a lump swell in my throat. then, a fleeting epiphany.

for so long, i’ve seen myself as an ellen, fumbling around in search of a portia. but, in that instant, i realized perhaps i’m just as much a portia, hoping to find her ellen someday.