thresholds

earlier this week, i mused that maybe i was getting too used to being at home and not at the office, and wondered if i’d be ready to return if i was suddenly summoned back early. i’d had this feeling for the past week or so that it might happen – originally, i was to go return at the end of october, but that was pushed back to the end of november. okee doke. i settled into my home routine and planned out the weeks in a very rough, maybe-i'll-do-this-or-that way.

still, i had this a nagging feeling that maybe i should get my ducks in a row and start crossing stuff of my “to do while i’m off” list lest that time off be unexpectedly cut short.

sure enough, yesterday afternoon (nov. 2nd), my editor emailed me to ask if i’d be interested in returning earlier than planned.

“how much earlier?” i replied, fearing the answer would be “tomorrow.”

turns out, not tomorrow... but next week. three days a week for the next few weeks, gradually (possibly) moving up to five days a week by december.

when i finished my last in-office stint back in september, it felt kind of weird to be back at home. now that i’ve been home for about six weeks – though, not really “off” since i never actually stopped working during those weeks – it feels kind of weird to be heading back to the office.

but that’s not the point of this particular blog post.

over the course of 2011 i’ve been employed. i’ve earned an income. as the months passed and i started to reach financial goals i’d set, i realized that i might be on course for the most successful freelance year i’ve ever had. when, yesterday, i agreed to return to the office, i decided to calculate my gross annual income up to this point and what i estimated i'd earn by year's end. i’d calculated it back in september, but hadn’t updated the figure to include all the work i did in october (and it was a LOT of work).

as i tallied and totalled, i was stunned.

as of right now, this minute, i’ve earned as much as i did the first year i worked full-time at the magazine. and i still have the rest of november and most of december to go. you would think that finding that out would send me over the moon with delight and, in some ways, it did.

but, more than anything, it filled me with a curious sense of anxiety and fear.

partly, i couldn’t believe that i’d done it. that i’d gone from back-to-back years of earning next to nothing, and having to file net losses on my last two tax returns, to earning enough on which to live and to contribute to my RRSP and to put into savings. i’d actually earned a living as a freelancer for the first time in years, and done better than i ever thought i would.

so much so that i actually have to start charging HST (that is: sales tax, for the non-canadian readers). as a freelancer, you only have to do that once you hit a certain income threshold, and then it’s mandatory. and, to be honest, i never thought i would ever hit that number. ever. i always figured that my freelancing would max out at maybe $25K a year, which would be fine and would pay for all my living expenses and would keep me in the black without major issue.

but i’ve already exceeded that.

something i never really thought i’d do.

and that threw me for a major loop. hitting that mark means i've reached a point in my career i didn't imagine possible (for me). and one i wasn't even sure i ever wanted.

but i’ve done it.

so, mainly, instead of feeling like i should celebrate it, my brain immediately went into its all too familiar mode of self-doubt and panic. “what if next year is a bust? what if this is just an anomaly and next year i go back to the income template of 2010 or 2009, where there was no money coming in? what if this is too good to be true? i can’t get comfortable with this reality. it might be fleeting. i shouldn’t celebrate, i should be very cautious moving forward.”

even though i mentally talked myself through it, that uncertain feeling lingers. as though 2011 was a fluke. i’m really hoping 2012 blows 2011 out of the water, and that i can rack up a few more years just like this one, but there’s a part of me that – however crazy it sounds – still braces for the opposite. (this is part of the reason i’m seeing a therapist, btw. ;-))

in the meantime, i’m meeting mom for a celebratory lunch today. and then maybe some shopping for winter work clothes. tuesday morning will roll around very quickly.