bug

so, we've had an interesting evening. and no, it had nothing to do with ashley judd's new movie, also called Bug.

young beatrix was tired and decided to retire just before 10:30pm. she went into the bedroom and promptly called me in, saying, "there's another one of those bugs on my pillow!"

uh oh.

several nights ago, trix was lying down to sleep when she noticed a teeny, tiny insect on her pillow. (for those of you who know of my bedbug phobia, fear not: the insect was definitely not one of those nefarious nightcrawlers.) we looked at it, determined that it was probably some kind of young fruit fly or the like, killed it and she went to bed.

and then she found another one, in the exact same spot, tonight. not good. we killed tonight's "guest" and decided to do a thorough bed check. off came the sheets and guess what? two more live insects in the bed, plus one dead one between the sheets and the mattress. aw, f-word.

but, again, i must reiterate: NOT bedbugs. i have researched those little bastards and could spot one on sight. they're more tick-like. this was more...ant-like? these insects were very, very small and slender. dark in colour. six legs. antennae. and did i mention tiny?

our minds started racing (OMG, is it a louse? a termite? something that's going to have babies to send home with us????) and young beatrix was suddenly and not surprisingly no longer the least bit sleepy. i opened my laptop and began surfing for answers. i theorized that perhaps these insects were coming from the closet next to trixie's bed -- a closet which houses at least a half-dozen dirty old pillows, three or four ratty blankets, assorted bedspreads and a locked cabinet containing the unit owner's own linens. trix removed the gym bag we'd stored in there...the one containing all our "stuff to go home for mom" purchases. i said we should check the bag and all the bags within that bag to see if any bugs had fallen/crawled/been birthed therein.

we found two more -- one dead one in a bag containing four 1/2 pound bags of ground coffee, and one live one crawling within the gym bag. then she went back into the bedroom and saw one crawling up the wall next to the closet door.

[i apologize for the heebie jeebies you may currently be experiencing, but please know that we, too, have enjoyed them for the past two hours.]

anyway, very long and skeevy and frustrating story short: after much online researching and thanks to the most excellent website what's that bug?, i discovered that our miniscule little pests are saw-toothed grain beetles. they infest pantry-type food (which can include coffee) and can live off of dustbunnies, hair and all kinds of non-pantry items once they venture out from whatever bag of flour or rice or coffee beans or whatEVER to forage.

this is what they look like (keep in mind that they are, according to the sites i checked, about 1/8" long, so this is super-magnified):

so, i've saved three specimens to show to the building management tomorrow. yesterday, trixie said she saw a workman with fumigation equipment going into the unit across the hall from us, and we're now wondering if perhaps some of these little guys scurried over to escape certain death...or have been making their way through the building's ventilation system into our unit and who knows how many others. either way, i'll be heading down to the front desk in the morning to say, "hi. there are bugs in our bedroom and they're not bedbugs so calm down." (the main office closes daily at 5pm, otherwise i would have been down there tonight.)

in the meantime, we've bagged the coffee (trixie still doesn't think that's the source of the bugs) and put it in the freezer. we've emptied the gym bag completely and turned my big knapsack (which was, thankfully, bug-free) inside out. they'll be washed in the washing machine tomorrow, just in case. we've moved our suitcases away from the closets and trixie has gone to bed...but doesn't think she'll actually be able to sleep. saw-toothed grain beetles are harmless to humans and animals -- they don't bite or spread disease or burrow into your skin to lay eggs. they just take up residence in your cereal or raisins and float in your milk when you unknowingly pour yourself a bowl for breakfast. (and the multiply. so, you know, it's good to get rid of them.)

but finding one staring lovingly back at you from across your own pillow, and knowing there may be more lurking in the shadows, is nonetheless...freaky.

the patron saint of the greater tampa area is...a former American Idol??

is kelly clarkson your personal saviour?

something very curious has been happening throughout our visit to florida: kelly clarkson is EVERYWHERE. on every radio station. playing on every retailer’s sound system. wafting through malls and drifting over the heads of non-plussed shoppers while trix and i search for deals.

every.

single.

day.

we hear kelly clarkson songs at least a dozen times daily. young beatrix and i started to joke about how often one of the local radio stations plays her music...and, sure enough, we can’t turn on that station and listen for more than three songs before kelly starts belting out a tune.

why is this so?

she’s not from here, she’s a texan, so state pride can’t be the reason. has she managed to work her mojo on the people of the greater tampa area so that they revere her as a goddess? is she running for office? has clive davis mandated her music onto radio-station playlists in exchange for access to some of his other RCA artists?

dunno. but it sure is strange.

the pool: a small photo essay

given the amount of time we spend there, and the number of times i've mentioned it, i thought the pool would make a good subject for some pics ce soir. i toted the camera along for our evening swim tonight, and here are the results:

this is how we like it: EMPTY.

kids swim here. then they abandon their toys.

this is my favourite view towards the gulf from the pool deck.

we decided to try some action photography. it was an exercise in multiple frames.
(i'm actually coming up out of the water.)

young beatrix insists on glamour, even in the water. (that, or she'd be blinded by the sun.)

i, on the other hand, prefer the pensive, tousled look.
but, really, it's hard not to be reflective when you're gazing out over...

...this.

dear JC Penney: learn math!

yesterday and today, i experienced what can only be described as trickle-down corporate ineptitude at one of america’s leading retailers: the JC Penney department store.

before i launch into the following tale of mathematical angst, allow me to establish the following absolutes:

1. i needed new bras
2. JCP had bras on sale
3. this should have been a simple process

it was not.

the bras were priced thusly: $20 each, or two for $30. last wednesday, i purchased two for $30. this wednesday, the price had dropped to two for $24. the JCP store policy allows for a price adjustment (if the price of the items changes) within seven days of purchase and, since it was a $6 difference and $6 is nothing to sneeze at, i decided to pursue such an adjustment yesterday afternoon.

and so began The World’s Longest and Most Complicated Price Adjustment Ever (TWLAMCPAE). i can’t even begin to tell you how convoluted a process this was, due largely to the fact that, here in florida, retailers apparently haven’t adequately instructed their staffers what a price adjustment is and how one is handled when requested by a customer. this sort of thing is done all the time in toronto, without much fuss or fanfare, but not here. young beatrix had a similar realization when, one day after buying two pairs of pants, the price went down $2 a pair and she tried to get a price adjustment (also at JC Penney). the clerk looked at her like she was speaking latin when she asked if a price adjustment was possible.

“a what?” said the perplexed clerk.

young beatrix tried to explain the process – “well, i paid $22 a pair, now they’re $20 a pair, so may i please have $4 back?” (i’m paraphrasing) – but it took two confused clerks and a department manager before everyone was on the same page. she got her $4.

then it was my turn.

i won’t bore you with the endless details of TWLAMCPAE because, honestly, i would be typing for pages and pages and pages. the entire process took A FULL HOUR. i kid you not. an hour. we arrived at the store at 2pm and walked out, exhausted, at 3pm. sweet mother of all that is holy, i thought i was on some kind of hidden-camera show. i mean, it’s a simple enough thing, isn’t it? something that was $30 is now $24, so i should get $6. right?

oh, but no. this turned into an extravaganza of having to (fake) return the two items i bought, and then re-buying them at the new, lower price. but the JCP computer system had the incorrect new price in the system ($27), so we had to redo the entire process four hundred times. okay, not four hundred times, but at least three. and it took forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrever. the poor clerk was on the brink of a nervous breakdown by the time the whole ordeal was over (trixie said, “you know she’s going to have PTSD now, right?”), and the helpful and fully understanding department manager asked me if i wanted a job there as she bagged the bras. i wasn't entirely convinced that i won’t wind up with all kinds of extra charges on my amex come bill time but, for the time being, all seemed okay. finally.

until today.

today, at a different JC Penney, i decided to buy two more of the fun, funky bras. there was a big sign on the display that said:

10% off!
2 for $30, now 2 for $24!

aha.

now, logic and rudimentary math skills will tell you that 10% of $30 is $3, and 30 – 3 = 27. so, really, the sale price *should* be $27 if the 10% off part is true; but the sale price should be $24 because, you know, it’s cheaper and better for me and it’s printed right there on the sign for all the world to see.

tell that to the snarky department manager at today’s JCP, who was convinced that i was wrong when the bras rung up at $13.50 apiece and i pointed out that they should be ringing in at $12 each. i explained the two for $24 sign, and she told me i must have been confused and read a sign for a different product. (at this point, i could feel myself bracing for a price fight.) i calmly said that, no, i wasn’t wrong and that the two for $24 sign was on all the displays for this particular line. she shook her head and said she had to go see for herself. fine. young beatrix escorted her to the displays and the two of them stood there for a good five or six minutes before returning to the cashier’s desk.

“well, the sign’s wrong,” said the manager to the clerk (in a very exasperated, dismissive tone) who’d been waiting to process my purchase. “but i’ll give it to her for that price.”

damn right, lady. it’s not my fault some soon-to-be-fired twit at JCP head office doesn’t know how to do percentages. a sign's a sign. so, the manager handled my purchase and, when she’d finished, she stuffed the bras into a bag and thrust them – yes, thrust them – across the counter at me with a decidedly unfriendly, “here you go.” as in, “ooooooh, here you go, you big cheapskate! here’s your big huge savings! now get lost.” i wanted to tell her to lose the attitude because those same signs were appearing at every JC Penney across america right now (seriously, those of you in the U.S. should check the flirtitude displays in the lingerie department at your local JCP anytime between now and monday – betcha they’re the all using the same lame math!), but i refrained.

[as an aside, while i was waiting there was another customer buying a stereo at the same checkout, and its price also rang in incorrectly. is there no calculator in the entire JC Penney corporation???]

young beatrix and i finished our shopping at the mall (finding even more sale items at other stores with much less hassle and much better math in place), but we had to pass through the JCP lingerie section on our way back out to the car. as we walked through, we noticed that the peeved manager had taken one of the incorrect signs and turned it backwards (so that the text was hidden) as a way of thwarting other bargain hunters...but hadn’t bothered to adjust any of the other five or six identical signs on other racks three feet away.

i hope she gets one woman after another walking up the checkout with two bras and $24 in hand all weekend long...

*free!*

back at the start of the florida posts, i mentioned that young beatrix and i had a goal of getting at least one thing free per day. here's a list of what we've managed to snag gratis so far:

* assorted frappucino samples from various starbucks locations
* kéva juice smoothie samples
* gourmet bread samples
* trix's free facial and dr. weil cleanser
* a 2L bottle of diet 7UP
* sugar-cookie quarters (i.e., one cookie divided into quarters, not sugar cookies made to look like 25-cent coins)
* grapes
* daily spritzes, slathers or soapings of bath and body works products

i've also found about 17 cents worth of pennies and, today, trixie found a $5 bill in the parking lot at publix. score!

random stuff to read

so, this morning as young beatrix was chatting with our mom on the phone, her face, shoulders and upper chest suddenly turned bright red. we suspect this was an allergic reaction to something – probably the potent new vitamins she’s been taking for a couple of months (since these bizarre flush episodes have happened a few times since she began taking them) – and she has now gone back to bed to let it wear off. normally, she’d take allergy medicine to speed the process, but she wants to remain alert and feels the burning skin will pass within an hour.

obviously, we’re skipping the pool this morning and will play the rest of the day by ear. we still have more shopping to do and more meals to eat but, for the moment, we’re taking it easy.

and, while we wait, a random list of stuff and things from our trip to floria:

* we have become completely, wholly and unapologetically addicted to the Bacon Turkey Bravo™ sandwich at Panera Bread Company. PBC is a delightful chain, with many delicious wares, and I suspect they infuse their breads with crack because, honestly, i don’t know that i’ve ever craved a turkey sandwich as much as i have craved this one. plus, they make a deeeeeelicious raspberry-white chocolate brownie.

* we have also become completely, wholly and unapologetically addicted to Cash Cab, the discovery channel’s “general knowledge trivia” game show that takes place to random passengers in a NYC cab (below left: its kick-ass host, ben bailey). i caught it by accident the other day and i love it. then, like any good addict, i hooked young beatrix on it, as well.

* other things that we’ve become addicted to since arriving here: pepperidge farm’s garlic texas toast (SO good!); yoplait passionfruit yogurt (why is this not available in canada?!); the PT cruiser (they are EVERYWHERE! we see dozens every day! it must be some kind of freaky southern thing ‘cause, man, everybody seems to have one), which drives like a dream and stays relatively cool inside due to its darkly tinted windows; morning swims in the empty pool; evening swims in the empty pool; and living life in flip-flops.

* sunscreen and i are not friends. no matter which brand i use, or how vehemently it claims to be sensitive-skin friendly, i invariably end up with a rash. as such, i’ve begun wearing thin, long-sleeved shirts in lieu of sunscreen whenever we’re out and it’s sunny (strangely enough, those days have been few in number thus far).

* yesterday, while at a petsmart, i spotted a guy with a young corgi and, according to trixie, behaved as though someone had walked into the store with a unicorn. she was laughing out loud because (again, she alleges) i shouted (i don’t remember shouting), “oh my god! that guy has a corgi!” she said she was surprised the man didn’t flee after my over-exuberant declaration. so, as casually and nonchalantly as possible, i made my way over to where he was standing, crouched down and was immediately smothered with corgi love. it leapt up onto my lap, furiously wagging its bum (they don't have tails) and basically going berserk. its owner apologized, but i was quite delighted by the whole episode.

* why is it that the size of a man’s speedo is always inversely proportionate to his girth and amount of body hair? it is frightening what some guys consider appropriate swimwear.

*while i’m at it, an open letter to parents with small children who frequent the condo pool: i am not your kids’ babysitter. i am not swimming so that i can act as a de-facto lifeguard should they suddenly drop into the deep end while you nurse a beer or top up your sunscreen or chat on your cellphone. just because i answer them when they shout random things to me as i swim past (“i can doggie paddle!”, “i went in the ocean today!”, “i have to go potty!”) does not mean i’m magically going to become their personal life preserver. so, if you wouldn’t mind and if it’s not too much trouble, put down your beer (or the sunscreen or the phone), get your ass out of the beach chair and at least pretend to mind your child so he or she doesn’t drown. thanks.

* young beatrix is afraid of lovebugs. she squeals and shrieks and makes strange fanning/swatting motions anytime a pair float nearby. (they do seems to like her a lot, though, which is odd. they always leave me alone.) for those unfamiliar with lovebugs, they fly in pairs when mating...and, based on what we’ve seen these last nine days, it must be mating season right now. like, hardcore mating season. the front of our PT cruiser is covered with the bodies of enamored insects we’ve hit while driving. now, this is all very amusing because trix is an avid gardener and happily spends hours at home in the garden surrounded by bees, wasps, hornets, dragonflies, mosquitoes and all manner of things that make me avoid the area altogether. none of those insects phase her, but lovebugs? terrifying. weird.

* speaking of mating in the natural world, yesterday young beatrix and i witnessed two seagulls mating on the beach. it was a little disturbing to behold, and i started to have flashbacks of the avian necrophilia incident i witnessed last month, and Moviepie Eric’s recent blog post about duck rape (warning: do not click that link unless you’re prepared to be horrified).

* why is Veronica Mars sucking in a big way lately? it has gone from a smart, sassy series about a teenage detective to a lame, boring, tiresome mish-mash of The O.C., Dawson’s Creek and Murder, She Wrote. sad. has it been officially cancelled yet?

* and in the “shows not sucking” category, we have Heroes, which rawked this week.

that is all. for now. i must go check on young beatrix to see if her skin has returned to a normal, human colour yet.

we are nothing if not well-advised

the smoke was still here this morning. so was the humidity. the temperature crept up around 91F by afternoon. all combined? SUPER fun.

*cough*

yesterday, the weather people on the assorted news broadcasts issued multiple advisories about the poor air quality -- specifically issuing a "dense smoke advisory" and showing viewers all kinds of readings (from unseen measuring devices) to illustrate just how nasty the air was in case we'd somehow failed to notice. health experts appeared to talk about respiratory issues and excessively watery eyes. they even had a rep from an animal hospital on to discuss protecting your pets from the airborne irritants.

today, the warnings and portents of doom continued in the form of an "air stagnancy advisory." apparently, light winds would mean that all that craptacular air from yesterday would not only persist, but would just sit there in the atmosphere. stagnating.

i don't think i need to explain how unappealing doing anything outdoors is in this kind of weather. who wants to be outside when it's like you're stuck in a sauna downwind from a campfire?

young beatrix and i therefore retreated to the safety of ridiculously busy shopping malls in order to escape the stagnant, dirty air. we drove into tampa and popped around to a few malls before a verrrrry late lunch at CPK. by the time we returned to the condo, the air had improved significantly (though still hot and humid) so we trekked north along the beach for about 20 minutes, then back. then a late-evening swim. then treats from the freezer. and now i'm typing and trix is watching Raising Helen. again.

a girls' day out

today was our afternoon out with moob! hooray!

when we got up, both young beatrix and i were kind of tired and, since the weather was meh (the fire smoke had returned with a vengeance and is supposed to hover until at least sunday *cough*choke*), we opted to skip our morning swim and head out early for sarasota. we has counted on a 90-minute drive, which would give us plenty of buffer room if there were any traffic delays or visibility problems or any sudden panic attacks before driving over the sunshine skyway.


[for those who aren’t familiar with the skyway, it’s basically a five-mile-long “bridge” that runs over land and water, and contains one reeeeeally high section that has terrified our mother since her first visit to florida decades ago. her fear had seeped into young beatrix’s subconscious, because she found herself inexplicably stressed out about it despite never having crossed it before.]

thankfully, there were no traffic delays or panic attacks – the skyway was a breeze! it took exactly eight minutes to cross and, once we’d finished it, we wondered what the heck the big deal was/is. but there were visibility problems. the air was thick and dirty, and it was extremely humid out which made the atmosphere that much more unpleasant.

we met up with moob in front of bath & body works at sarasota square. none of us could believe it had been more than six years since we last saw each other (that time, it was on vacation in chicago) – where did the time go?? we proceeded to work our way through the mall – trixie picked up some clearance shirts at the gap, i bought a deeeelicious pina-colada smoothie and moob tried on countless pairs of cargo pants without success – before settling down for lunch. we chatted about our pals lou and biker (were your ears on fire? *g*), and our respective families. young beatrix and i opted for soup and salad combos, while moob had her eye on the quesadillas.

we loitered in the restaurant for a while but moob, like a new mom who’s left her baby alone with a sitter for the first time, was anxious to get home to mr. moob, who’d had surgery earlier in the week, so we bid adieu.

this photo doesn't do the smoky air justice.

neither does this one. but it was nasty!

trixie and i then proceeded to a few sarasota-area stores and, on the way home, stopped in at the prime outlets mall in ellenton. it’s an outdoor shopping complex and being outside in the thick, heavy, dirty air wasn’t much fun, so we didn’t spend a huge amount of time there...just enough for me to buy a funky pair of purple teva flip-flops (seriously, their flip-flops are beyond amazing for walking!) and for both of us to have ice cream cones in the deserted food court.

we drove home through the ca-ca air, skipped our evening swim and beach walk due to said air, and watched Dog Whisperer as we ate our treats-from-the-freezer dinner.

wild kingdom ii

i completely forgot to include the most important part of the day, especially since it relates directly to the post title: dolphins!

how cute are they?! (i didn't take this photo, btw)
one of the coolest things about this condo is that it overlooks the intercoastal waterway, which means we can watch boats, fishermen, water fowl and, when we’re lucky, dolphins (!) right from our balcony. the dolphin sightings are comparatively rare (usually only once or twice per visit, sometimes not at all), but this morning as i was waiting for my bagel to toast, young beatrix – who had been gazing out over the water, shouted, “dolphins! dolphins! vic, hurry up!”

and, sure enough, there in the relatively still waters were three little dorsal fins popping up to get some air every 10 feet or so...slowly making their way northwards. we watched them until they were out of range.

wild kingdom

this morning, the air was clean(ish) and the sky was clear(ish), so young beatrix and i decided that today would be the day we’d visit fort desoto, which had been voted the #1 beach in all of the continental U.S.

unfortunately, the universe had other plans for us, and did its best to crap all over our best-laid plans.

young beatrix decided that today would also be a super day to try out a bunch of breakfast fixins she’d bought yesterday – specifically, a big package of thick-cut bacon (keep in mind that she has never, ever expressed an interest in thick-cut bacon before...and, therefore, has never prepared it before, either), eggs and hash-browns. she figured it would be a good idea to have a big meal before our day-long outing...you know, to give us energy for all that our field trip would entail. i said perhaps we should hold off on the BB (big breakfast) until another day so as to make the most of our time. she persisted. long story short: the bacon, which was too big for the pan, wound up charred beyond recognition in the middle and near-raw at the ends; the hash browns weren’t cooked long enough (despite being in their pan for longer than the suggested cooking time) and were mildly crunchy; and she gave up on the eggs. she did her best to eat as much of her meal as she could...which, unfortunately, then made her feel ill.

the morning trip to fort desoto was cancelled. enter pepto-bismol.

we decided to move the trip to the afternoon and go shopping this morning instead. that turned out just as well...which is to say, not well. we found nothing, ventured to disappointing stores and had the exact same lunch we had yesterday (the bacon turkey bravo sandwich at panera). we cut our losses* and came back to the condo to rest and snack before heading out again.

(*even the cutest thing EVER, a mother duck and her wee gaggle of ducklings, was cause for us to furrow our brows because we saw them as they tried to cross a major thoroughfare! they made it safely to the grassy median between four lanes of busy traffic, but neither my sister nor i wanted to travel back along that route lest we see that they didn't make it across the final portion of their trek.)

the intrepid beachcombers head out to fort desoto!
(please note the frightfully w-h-i-t-e skin on my arms and body...thank you SPF 30!)
after refueling on panera brownies (white-chocolate raspberry for me, caramel-pecan for young beatrix) and subjecting ourselves to the equivalent of a human sunscreen dip (seriously, we used a LOT), we hopped in the ‘cruiser and headed south. time for fort desoto! yeah, baby! it was time to re-start the fun!

yeah, no.

about 2/3 of the way there, we encountered An Idiot. in fact, all the drivers going in our direction encountered An Idiot. we were all on a busy, well-traveled two-lane road with virtually zero shoulder and leading onto a long bridge, and The Idiot had run out of gas right at the start of the bridge, thereby completely blocking all traffic behind his vehicle. the road was too narrow for anyone to go around, there were no stoplights to regulate the flow of traffic (i.e., to get oncoming cars to stop for a freakin’ second and let some of us go around The Idiot’s heap of junk (which it was)) and The Idiot, in all his Idiot-doofus glory, was walking along the side of the road, carrying an empty gas can and grinning like a fool as he surveyed the dozens and dozens (and growing) cars lining up behind his now-abandoned vehicle. [note: for those of you working on conjuring an image of The Idiot, just picture any twentysomething stoner you’d like: that’s him.] in hindsight, i should have taken his photo.

after a few minutes, oncoming cars began realizing the dilemma of those of us in the southbound lane, and every so often gaps would occur that would allow a few of us to scoot past and shoot evil looks at the empty jalopy. once we cleared the impromptu road block, it was smooth, clear sailing.

yay! we're entering fort desoto! wait, where is everybody?
in fact, it was eerily smooth and clear. completely empty was more like it. we only saw one other car as we wound our way along the lush, green (deserted) roadways leading into fort desoto.

seriously...where are all the people????
we parked our car in the virtually empty lot near the north beach. there was only one other car in the lot that could very easily hold several hundred vehicles. i thought it amusing that said other car was also a PT cruiser, so i took a photo to illustrate the vast emptiness.

see the yellow PT cruiser waaaaaay in the distance?
we were filled with hope as we walked along the path to the beach. i mean, this beach was, by all accounts we’d read and heard, breathtakingly amazing. gorgeous. beyond beautiful.

young beatrix...filled with hope!
yet, what we found, while very nice, was hardly the best beach we’d ever seen in our lives. the sand for the first several hundred yards was extremely rough and made up almost entirely of broken shells. (this made the walk back to the car incredibly painful.) we finally hit the much-ballyhooed “soft white sands,” but it didn’t last long. the waters were very choppy and rough, and there were only a handful of beachgoers scattered around. we saw some herons and other water fowl, but were mightily disappointed that this was all there was to be had at fort desoto. we debated going to the east beach, and agreed that we’d drive there and see if it was worth getting out of the car and further scarring the soles of our feet in the name of beachgoing.

needless to say, we arrived at the equally vacant east beach, hemmed for about a half-second before we hawed our way back to the condo for an evening swim and a filling dinner.

alas.

tomorrow...OMG...tomorrow we’re spending the afternoon with moob in sarasota! shopping and eating and, of course, taking pictures. (moob, fix your cowlick!)

sorry, where was i?

apologies for the lack of updates – i underestimated how draining being on vacation can be. once you factor in more exercise than i’m used to + galavanting (that’s right, i said it, GALAVANTING) about town + lack of sleep (i have yet to find the right pillow amongst the dozens of ratty, discoloured ones in the closets) + the lure of american cable television, you get one pooped puppy.

for starters tonight, installment updates. first off, the much-delayed report on day one. by now, the excitement of the stories has faded, so i’ll understand if you skip this post and move up the page.

flying with morons
there were really obnoxious kids on our plane, with even more obnoxious parents. they sat right behind us. and kicked our seats. and scuh-REAMED bloody murder on and off for about two hours as the parents tried to use sing-songy voices and logic (whaaa...???) to quiet them. not surprisingly, it didn’t work.

free wi-fi from heaven?
somehow, in some way, our condo has free wi-fi. i just turned my airport on and, presto!, there it was. i don’t know how and i don’t know why and i don’t want to question it. who am i to look an internet gift horse in the mouth?

”pull your vehicle off the road right now."
en route to our condo from the airport, young beatrix and i witnessed a take-down! okay, not so much a take-down as a very peeved police officer instructing a teenage girl and her male passenger to move their car – which they had stopped dead in the middle of the road – into a nearby parking lot. all traffic in all directions, us included, had stopped around them (strange how the flashing lights of a police car and the booming voice of law enforcement vibrating through the air can magically make drivers sit up and take notice), but this girl was just sitting there smack in the middle of the road. i think the cop thought she was pausing before making a run for it, hence the tone of his voice, but he managed to scare the rest of us, too. no one moved because none of us were 100% sure he wasn’t talking to us. anyway, she eventually pulled over and i turned around to see the police officer leap out of his car and towards the driver’s side of the delinquent vehicle. “oh, he’s MAD!” i said as young beatrix drove us away.

the perils of brushfires to the north
already explained in enough detail, i think. refer to the cloudy, coughing post below for more!

i can see clearly now

the view this morning at about 7:40am
MUCH better.

smoke on the water

the view this morning
so, there are brush fires raging in northern florida and parts of georgia (there are currently 210 fires burning, covering some 44,000 acres) and, this morning, we discovered their airborne side effects. namely: drifting smoke.

we both got up just before 8am and noticed that the view through our balcony doors was unusually hazy. since we’re used to humid weather, this wasn’t anything major...until we realized that it was actually getting worse instead of better. in fact, about a half-hour later, it was like our condo had suddenly been dropped into a dense fog. still, we didn’t realize that what we were seeing was smoke...until we opened the balcony door and stepped outside.

the air smelled strongly of fire smoke and visibility was pretty bad. we turned on the local news and heard one dire warning after another: stay inside! don’t exert yourself! use recirculated air in your car’s air-conditioning unit! for the love of all that is holy, do not breathe this air or you will drop dead within thirty seconds!

okay, so the last one is an exaggeration, but you’d seriously think the air was polluted with fatal toxins given the tone of the alarmist newscasters. young beatrix and i debated what to do with the day – the forecast said that, due to winds from the north (where the fires are), the smoke would linger in the atmosphere until the afternoon. we decided to venture down to the pool, but agreed that we’d come back upstairs if the air was too bad.

thankfully, the air wasn’t as horrible as we’d anticipated, but it was obviously bad enough to deter all our neighbours. the pool was completely deserted, as was the beach. sure, the sky was grey and the winds were rather chilly but, dammit, we were going to swim! so, swim we did. then we walked along the beach. then we had a big, healthy breakfast.

then we shopped.

our goal on this trip, as with every other trip to the U.S. we’ve ever taken, is to get at least one thing free every day. this could be something as small as a chocolate sample at godiva or, as happened once in south carolina years ago, a completely free meal (we still have no idea why our waiter comped us, but he did). so, as you’ve already heard, young beatrix successfully completed her origins consultation (which she now refers to as a “wellness sales pitch”) and snagged her full-sized dr. weil cleanser.

i, meanwhile, picked up a small vial of dr. brandt’s poreless mask from a very unenthused sales rep at sephora.

we also bought super-cheap (but super-cute) toques (yes, toques...we’re canadian!) from marshall’s, and assorted groceries. by about 4pm, the air had improved dramatically and was once again crisp and clear. but we’re watching the weather now and see that the smoke is scheduled to return tomorrow. they’re also reporting some fires springing up in sarasota county...which is where we’re supposed to meet up with moob.

more news as it develops. (did i mention there’s also a tropical storm a’brewin’ on florida’s east coast?)

the world's shortest, fastest update

i am typing this at the mall kiosk for the st. petersburg times, where you can buy a copy of the paper and check your email/surf the 'net. young beatrix is having an epidermal consultation at the origins store here at tampa's international plaza mall, so i have about 40 minutes to kill. (she's doing it to get the free, full-size cleanser that comes with every assessment.)

i'd shop, but we "finished" going through the stores before i dropped her off with the overly perky sales rep...who, by the way, was exceptionally disappointed that i didn't want to partake of a facial analysis. ah well.

there is much to report but not much time at the moment so, here then, is a brief highlights package of what's to come:

* flying with morons
* free wi-fi from heaven?
* "pull your vehicle off the road right now."
* the perils of brushfires to the north (*cough*)
* the simultaneous cool factor and cheese factor of having a PT cruiser as one's rental car (seriously)
* and, of course, photos!

more later. the nice lady running this kiosk is eyeing the clock. one is supposed to use these free machines for a maximum of 15 minutes, and i think my time is almost up...

leavin'...

photo temporarily removed for security reasons
young beatrix and i fly out tomorrow morning. i'll be posting from "flo" (thanks, linda!) every couple of days or so...more often if the weather becomes inclement or my sister and i stop speaking to each other or i suddenly luck into an available cushy sofa at a nearby panera bread company. more news as it happens...until then, later!

three more sleeps

this is the actual ladder to the pool in which i'll swim daily

i should probably pack at some point. instead, i've been finishing up several writing assignments (one more to go!), running errands, catching up on taped television so i can leave with a clean viewing slate, and calling the credit-card companies to say, "hi. i'll be in florida for two weeks. please don't freeze my card when you suddenly see a purchase from the sarasota target or the tampa cheesecake factory. thanks." (apparently, it's wise to do this every time you travel outside your home town. who knew?)

things i'm looking forward to in the sunshine state: meeting up with moob and, possibly, mr. moob (omg! it's been YEARS!); starting every day in the pool; U.S. cable television; sales! (only in america are items marked 60% off, with an extra 20% off at checkout); supertarget; fort desoto park and caladesi island state park; and, of course, the pure gastronomical delights of my favourite chain restaurants and random junk-food items.

sad but true factoid: the TV and the snacks are probably the most exciting items on that list for me after the moobs.

short and sweet

one of my favourite short films from last year's WWSFF was Park Foot Ball. it's adorable and ties in nicely with my pigeon post of a few days ago, i think.

and yes, the little dots are supposed to be that small -- even when the film is projected on a big screen, you can't really make out the figures because they're so wee. enjoy!

the last post about my stupid kitchen sink, i swear

so, after spending last night wondering and worrying whether my apartment would be flooded as a result of faulty, drippy valvage, i arrived home this afternoon to discover (much to my relief and delight) dry floors, a dry kitchen...and a whole brand-new set of pipes under my sink! shiny, new copper piping! everything that had been there had obviously been torn out at some point last night, because gone was the ancient, leaky kit-and-kaboodle and, in its place, solid, clean, well-soldered new fixtures with proper handles and taps and valves. no more massive shower-sized junk culled from some kind of spare-parts drawer – this set-up was clearly installed by a pro, as evidenced by the charred, post-blowtorch markings around each new pipe.

no leaks. no drips. no rusted pipes. all new. i called the super to find out what had happened to necessitate such an overhaul, and she said that, when the hot water was turned back on in the building, the valve leaked and "it was leaking too much." so, buh-bye!

and, as if that wasn’t enough of a treat, the plumber also installed a new faucet** on the sink, with brand new taps. sweet! my kitchen sink has been made over! it’s all pretty and secure.

i’d hug it if i could.

**note: the faucet shown isn't what's on my sink. but it, too, is pretty spiffy.

water works...or, you know, doesn't

remember that ancient water filter fused to the bottom of my sink? the one that i'd hoped would be removed so that i could, you know, drink the cold water from my tap without worrying about being poisoned?

well, it was finally removed about two weeks ago. finally, i had cold water that smelled and tasted fine, and that was actually cold.

but on the day it was yanked free, while i was out of the apartment and the repair was taking place, the plumber did some kind of fancy switcheroo with faucet handles on the hot and cold water valves. when i got home, i noticed that the knob that used to be on the hot-water valve was gone, and the spot where the knob used to be was now covered with white teflon tape. there was a message from the super on my voicemail: apparently, the plumber noticed a "drip" coming very, very slowly from the hot-water pipe and had fixed it. the super said it might drip for a day or two and then stop, but if it hadn't stopped after four days i should call her and he'd come back to fix it.

i thought to myself, "well, why didn't he just err on the side of caution and fix it completely the first time instead of doing a half-assed patch job that might work???"

so, i watched the drip. every day, i checked. and, every day, the drip was still there. it only resulted in about a 1/2 teaspoon of accumulated water a day (i positioned a plastic tub underneath the drip to monitor its output)...until this past monday. suddenly, and inexplicably, i was getting about a tablespoon of water a day. so i called the super, filled her in and she said "the guy" (the plumber) would be back to fix it today.

coincidentally, today was also the day where more plumbing repairs were scheduled for the whole building. repairs that necessitated the shut-off of all the water from 9am to 4pm.

i managed to keep myself out of my apartment until about 1pm. i came home, checked under the sink and saw that the previously naked end of the hot-water pipe now had a MASSIVE shower-sized faucet handle attached. seriously, i envisioned someone taking it out of their bathtub and installing it below my kitchen counter. anyway, i realized this meant that the plumber had been there, and i didn't see any more dripping.

of course, i also forgot that the water in the building had been (and was still) turned off.

nonetheless, i decided to check my email. just before 2pm, there was a knock at my door. it was mr. super, the super's husband. "i just need to check the cold water," he said in broken english.

so, he came in, looked under the sink, assessed whatever he was assessing, decided all was well and said, "when they turn on the hot water, i have to come back to check the hot water." it was then that i realized he was checking on whatever work the plumber had done...though, i was beginning to suspect that the plumber hadn't done the work, but that mr. super had. suddenly, i began to get nervous about the workmanship.

about 20 minutes after mr. super left, i decided to check under the sink myself. and guess what i saw?

a puddle. not a tablespoon of water, not a drip, a puddle. under the cold-water pipe! i tried to tighten the valve, and the drip immediately sped up. it was almost a stream of water. uh oh.

i called mr. super, told him what was happening, and he was back at my door within about three minutes. he came in, saw the ever-accelerating drip/stream, whipped out a big wrench and tightened whatever could be tightened. the drip/stream stopped. phew!

"when they turn on the hot water, i have to come back to check the hot water," he said again. i told him that was fine, that i'd likely be out but that he could do whatever needed doing when it needed to be done.

i packed up a bunch of my stuff to trek to my parents' house, where i am now. before i left my apartment (around 3:45pm) i did a quick pipe check and the cold-water valve was, evvvvvvvver so slowly, dripping again. i taped a note to the cupboard door that read, "hi! the cold water is still dripping! thanks, vickie." i'm hoping mr. super re-fixes it whenever he returns to check its hot-water companion, since the hot water was still off when i departed.

given what transpired this afternoon, i've spent the past eight hours imagining the hot water being turned back on in the building, and that massive shower-sized faucet handle attached to the end of my kitchen sink's hot-water valve BURSTING right off as a fountain of hot water explodes out, flooding my apartment.

so far, i haven't heard anything. i keep checking the messages on my apartment voicemail because i'm spending the night here, and no one has called to say, "hi, your water is pouring into your downstairs neighbour's kitchen so we have to fix it."

i'm hoping to return to a dry, drip-free apartment tomorrow morning. but i'm also bracing myself for a mess that drags out until after i've left for florida.

omg. what if my kitchen floods while i'm away????

the most disturbing thing i saw last week...

...wasn't actually a documentary. it was what i can only describe as a shocking incident of avian necrophilia.

in short: i was waiting for the bus that would take me downtown to a hotdocs screening. the bus stop is right next to this quaint little parkette that has some benches, a few swings and other play-area equipment, an interesting statue, a lot of trees and a resident flock of pigeons.

as i waited for my bus, i noticed a bunch of pigeons milling about in the grass. it's spring in toronto, so it's also mating season in the pigeon world. (come to think of it, it's probably always mating season when it comes to the social life of the average pigeon. anyway...) i saw one rather brazen male pigeon mount another one that was sort of lying in the grass as though it had tripped and fallen beak-first into the ground in face-plant fashion. the "top" went to town on the "bottom" for a second or two, then dismounted.

but the bottom just lay there. not moving. face in the dirt.

omg.

i realized the bottom pigeon was, in fact, a dead pigeon.

but that didn't stop another pigeon from mounting it, as well.

holy hell! what is WRONG with these birds?!?!

to make matters worse, when the second pigeon dismounted, it began pecking and tearing at the head of its feathery, dead concubine...lifting the head up and down out of the dirt with every peck. avian necrophiliac cannibalism?!?!

it was like Wild Kingdom gone oh-so-horribly awry.