cupcakes and tears

it was a somewhat blue birthday. after having had a couple of good-birthday years, i found myself revisiting old territory today -- just feeling down, and forgotten.

it's my own fault. i had, against my better judgment and despite a wealth of experience that you'd think would have taught me otherwise, built up expectations for the day.

and, of course, what i hoped/expected would happen... didn't. as a result, i felt sad and disappointed most of the day. it's a lesson i seem incapable of learning and retaining: better to expect nothing and to be pleasantly surprised if you get something, than to hope for something and feel disappointed when you get nothing.

many people asked me what i'd be doing tonight, after work, to celebrate. "going home?" was my answer. i had no plans. despite many people saying they hoped i'd have an amazing day, i received not a single offer or invite to do anything or go anywhere or celebrate in any way. and planning my own celebration just feels/felt a little pathetic. same goes for taking myself out for a birthday dinner: too depressing.

so, a friend of mine (who did a lot to celebrate me today) drove me home after work and i gave her a tour of the condo (my unit and the building). then i walked to the grocery store and bought myself some sandwich fixins. mom called to see how my day was, so we chatted for a bit. and now i'm getting ready to shower and change for bed.

i will kick myself if i start crying as i try to fall asleep.

feh. i thought i was past things like this but, evidently, not so much. here's to a brighter tomorrow!

pre-birthday brief

* i have been feeling unusually blue and melancholy of late. i blame a number of things: the impending end of my job (the mat-leave coverage ends on july 7th), almost three weeks of poor sleep (averaging about five hours a night) and my upcoming birthday (which is always a time of reflection and introspection). i've felt near tears many days, and actually started crying while seeing my chiropractor a week and a half ago. i hate feeling like this, and it's part of the reason i haven't blogged in weeks.

* the condo continues to inch along. i still feel like i've got an epic to-do list, and that i'm chipping away SOOOOO slowly at an enormous mountain of stuff that needs to be fixed, replaced, painted, purchased or found.

* living here has been fine, save for the condo corporation's seeming inability to correctly withdraw the monthly maintenance fees from my bank account. first, they double-billed me for april, then didn't withdraw them at all for june. i actually called the office to point out the error, and to say it's doesn't really instil in me much confidence in their accounting department. they apologized profusely, but if things continue to be mishandled, i'll revert to post-dated cheques. otherwise, i love the neighbourhood, and i love my walks home at the end of the work day -- so peaceful.

* i've been called for jury duty. again. it's not until late july, so i'm hoping that the lazy, hazy days of summer mean fewer trials and a reduced need for jury members. (if you recall, i was previously called previously called in the fall of 2007.)

* the above photo is the view of the bedrooms from my foyer, in evening light. there are more colours to come in more rooms (i'm considering orange highlights in the kitchen), but this view makes me happy. :-)

another one bites the dust

today at the office, we were told that the business magazine for which i'm the managing editor will be no more, effective immediately. we'll finish our current issue and then... that's it.

this is bad news for a number of reasons.

1. i really loved working on this magazine.

2. this managing-editor gig was meant to help keep me gainfully employed for the foreseeable future.

after the head of our department made the announcement, my boss called me in to his office and said they plan to give me "as much work as possible" to make up the deficit, and that i'm his #1 go-to person for any new business that comes in. so, that's good.

and i have my current gig (the mat-leave coverage) until about july 20th, so there's still income to be had for a while.

a little homesick

today, as YB and i stripped wallpaper in the condo, and i later set about cleaning a bunch of stuff that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in 25 years, i started to feel a bit homesick.

then, tonight, i finally looked at all the photos i took on my last day in my apartment. i hadn't looked at them since the day i took them. hadn't even downloaded them to my computer. but i did that today.

and, as i looked through the images, i felt a little sad. a little homesick. most days, i don't really miss my old place in any kind of meaningful way -- i'll sometimes miss the shorter commute to work or downtown, or miss the walk along yonge to the office, but not in any kind of pangs-for-the-way-things-once-were kind of way.

until today.

i look at the photo above, taken after the movers had carted away all my stuff, when it was just me and the empty space left, and i see my view. my wall of windows. my parquet floors with their loose pieces. the weird thing in the corner next to the radiator that didn't actually work. and i miss it all.

it'll pass, i know. and i'm sure looking at the photos just made the feelings more pronounced. and i'm certain the fact that i'm still eye-deep in work that needs to be done at the condo amplifies the sense of longing for a space that was DONE.

but look at that view. man.

how work is going

in the comments section for my previous entry, lou gave me some ideas of stuff to write about and on which to catch you up. so, i'll start with work.

it's been fine. i'm now 10 1/2 months into the one-year mat leave, and the woman i've been replacing returns on july 7th. my boss says there will likely be a two-week-or-so transition period when we're both in the office full-time and then, after that, no one seems to know.

i feel like i've accomplished a lot in the time that i've been in this position. i've completely retooled and refined the workflow process, i've developed a great relationship with our clients, i've learned more than i thought i ever could about our company's products and services, and i think i've become a respected member of the department.

and i actually really like going in to work every day. having a full-time job, though it has cramped my press-screening style, has been great for my emotional and psychological well-being. i like the people with whom i work (even the ones who sometimes drive me nuts), and i love the feeling of being part of a community.

which is why i'm scared of what july might bring. namely: that i won't be going in to the office full-time anymore, that i won't see my friends every day, and that a return to working from home – after this VERY very long stretch of full-time work – will be difficult. i continue to hope that the woman i'm replacing decides not to return. there are still seven weeks left for that to happen. there's no new business on the horizon at the moment, so no new projects that might need me aboard.

fingers crossed.

holy poop -- i didn't post ANYTHING in april 2014!

not a single entry.

that is SAD.

but, under the circumstances, not surprising.

i hope to get back on the blogging bandwagon (the blandwagon?) soon.

MOVED!

i have no desk yet, and my condo is packed with boxes and chaos, so i haven't had time (or space) to blog about the move.

but it's done.

and now i'm in my new home.

:-)

more later!

easy come...

last week, we found out the retail magazine for which i was entertainment editor has been axed. after one issue and months of negotiations, it imploded. so, that was the end of that.

today, i found out that i've been turfed by the entertainment magazine for which i've been writing for the past three years. the new editor, whom i never liked and who (i suspect) has wanted to phase me out  from the get-go, called me to say that she'll be absorbing my monthly column. so that's the end of that.

and i just bought a condo.

urf.

the next three months will be fine, because i'm on the mat-leave gig until the end of june. after that, though... ???

oh! i forgot one key sign from the universe...

the previous owner of my condo was named violet.

her nickname, though, and the name by which other residents called her?

val.

no joke.

condo update!

* i'm exhausted. i haven't slept properly in days, my neck locked on thursday night, i threw my back out on friday night and i've been eating crap... when i have an appetite. i'm still all nerves, all the time, and i don't know that it'll settle until i've moved.

* work on the condo has been slow. it feels like a mountain of stuff that needs to be done, and i'm moving it one pebble at a time. i tried to remove the painted-popcorn ceiling myself, but gave up 2/3 of the way through my first room. i've hired a pro plasterer to finish the rest of the ceilings. he starts on tuesday, and should be done next weekend (including painting the ceilings).

* in related news, i've gone from saying, "i want everything done before i move in!" to "as long as the ceilings are done, i'll be happy."

* mom and trix have been TREMENDOUS in terms of helping out. they're the only ones pitching in, so without them i'd be completely lost. i'll admit that i'm a little bummed none of my friends here have offered a hand. on the upside: i know the ones who live far away would all be picking up paint brushes, shuttling boxes or unscrewing stubborn doors with me if they were here :-).

* today, i met my other-side next-door neighbours. they are LOVELY! a couple, probably in their late-60s, who moved in two years ago. (you'll recall my former arch-nemesis lives on one side of me.) they were very welcoming and warm, and told me all about their kitchen reno. when i apologized in advance for any noise they might hear while the plasterers work, they said, "no problem! don't worry about it." they told me it's a great building, which is the refrain i've heard from everyone i've met there so far.

today's news

* my hives are slowly receding. my cooties seem to have plateaued.

* in related news, mom has now been struck down by cooties.

* this morning, i dropped off my down-payment cheque with the lawyer, and signed all my condo papers. all that's left is to get the keys on friday.

* no, scratch that. there's a TON of stuff left. figuring out insurance. arranging my cable and internet hookups. painting and painting and painting and painting. for starters.

* further to the above, my boss imparted an invaluable piece of information on me this evening: prime the popcorn ceiling before painting. apparently, if a popcorn ceiling hasn't been painted previously, a water-based ceiling paint (like the giant vat i bought) will be absorbed into the popcorniness and cause it all to crumble right off. so, evidently, i will be buying a giant vat of primer this weekend, and spending much more time than anticipated tackling the ceilings.

hive got some news

today, i spent the day wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck sweater made of hives and cooties. the rash broke out -- all across my chest, neck, throat, shoulders and upper arms -- last night, and only became more pronounced this morning.

so, i booked an appointment with dr. textbook, who diagnosed: a rather extensive case of hives. likely brought on by a combination of stress, the cold virus (i am once again FULLY ENCOOTIFIED) and a very pooped immune system.

GOOD TIMES.

i was here

tonight, as i was purging old press kits and magazines, i realized – with some degree of sadness and regret – that, amid the whirlwind, i'd completely forgotten to take photos of my current apartment before i started packing it up to move. photos of how it looked when i was living here. photos of it being lived in.

now, its shelves are half-empty, boxes are stacked around, and i can feel myself slowly disappearing from the space.

tomorrow morning...

... it's condo-visit time.

as part of my purchase agreement, i get two pre-closing visits to measure, doublecheck things and make sure the previous owner hasn't, you know, trashed the place. ;-)

so, with tape measures and note paper in hand, YB, mom, my real estate agent and i will head to my new home and set about inspecting it closely.

it'll be the first time i really REALLY look at it, spend time in the space and see what i've bought. and i'm really REALLY hoping i find only good things.

why i will not sleep tonight

earlier, i realized i haven't prepaid nearly enough in taxes for 2013, which means i will be writing the government a much-much-bigger-than-i-expected cheque come late april.

it also means the financial cushion i thought i'd have (after making my condo down payment + paying for all the purchase- and moving-related expenses) is a lot flatter than i thought it would be.

things i am looking forward to

* walking in the well-treed neighbourhood, especially in the fall and winter

* visiting the brownie lady down the street

* using the charming, renovated library

* exploring my options at the new community centre

* having my own washer and dryer, and doing laundry in my own home

* planting basil and chives in pots and growing them on the little balcony

* morning sun

* walking to work along the most expensive street in the city

* air conditioning in summer!

* playing pool in the building's snooker room :-D

* not having ANYONE living above me

* having a dedicated office... with four walls AND a door

* tons of storage space

* living among grown-ups

* putting money into something i own (or, as my real-estate agent put it: "into the house bank")

* strolling to all the shops on bayview

* taking a big, empty space and making it mine

* the QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

things i will miss

* living within a 25-minute walk of the centre of the city

* my neighbourhood, with its multitude of old churches and schools

* being an eight-minute walk from two subway stations

* claire on 9, francia on 2 and cliff – who's in his 80s and has lived here for more than 40 years – on 5

* living next door to the chief of police

* the sound of streetcars passing outside

* the smell of june wafting in my windows

* the huge, fancy loblaws... which was only recently made fancy

* my aesthetically perfect address (the actual letters and numbers, i mean)

* the stripe on my living-room wall

* snow walks along the beltline (which, technically, i can still take... but they'll require a bus ride there and back)

* the light in my living room on fall evenings

* the sound of the timothy eaton church bells

* my office nook

* the open shelves in my open kitchen, and the built-in book nook that runs under the counter

* the retro tiles, and high ceiling, in my bathroom

* having a ceiling light in the bedroom

* radiant heat

* smooth ceilings

* my wall of windows in the living room, and the one in the bedroom

* my view... my beautiful, beautiful view. i will miss that most of all.

things i will not miss

* my upstairs neighbours and their incessant thudding and thumping and banging and clanging

* the neighbour one floor up and one door over, who randomly BLASTS top-40 music for 15-minute stretches

* the smell of weed on the 2nd floor

* not being able to control the heat in my home

* not having air conditioning

* the drafty windows, with their cracked caulking and filthy grooves

* the cracked window ledges, where condensation pools and soaks the bottom of my blinds when it's very cold out

* the leaky bathtub faucet

* the off-centre light fixture above the sink

* the fact that, if i turn on the hot water in the kitchen, i have to run the cold water for a few seconds when i'm done or else the faucet drips

* having to schelp my laundry to my parents' house... and back

* being at the mercy of the management company's idiotic decisions

* CONSTRUCTION NOISE, construction workers, construction dust

* that weird bug that always finds its way into my place every june and flies out at me in the darkness

palette

fun thing #58 about the new condo? picking paint colours.

and then my body cried, "UNCLE!"

not surprisingly (to me), i appear to be coming down with a cold. i woke up at about 2am with an inexplicably sore left side of my throat. it had been totally fine when i went to bed just four hours earlier but, suddenly, swallowing hurt. i told myself it was a side effect of having walked to and from work yesterday, that i must have breathed in too much of the dusty-with-road-salt air and that the air had irritated my sinuses and throat. i drank some water and went back to bed, but didn't sleep.

i tossed and turned until 6:30am, repeatedly checking on my throat by swallowing. yep, still sore. it improved a little when i finally got up at 7 and had breakfast... but, a few hours later, i knew it wasn't leaving.

as i say, i'm not surprised. i've been going full-tilt for the past two weeks. i haven't slept properly at all and, many nights, wind up with just three or four hours of fitful sleep. i've been working long-ish hours, exercising, walking back and forth from the office... in short: my body has been under a LOT of physical and mental stress.

add to that a slew of über-germy colleagues who insist on coming in to work while sick, coughing and sneezing and spreading the plague from cubicle to cubicle. i'd been dosing up on vitamins and bathing in hand sanitizer but, with a fatigued body and mind, my immune system evidently threw up a white flag to the tsunami of cooties.

so, my body is sending me a message i can't ignore. loud and clear. TAKE IT EASY.

now, i don't feel sick. i just have a sore throat. for now. the normal progression of a cold for me is a sore throat (a day or two), followed by sinus congestion (three or four days), followed by a cough (eight thousand years). it's not usually until day two or three that i start to feel like i'm wearing a onesie made of lead and mucous.

BUT... i'm doing my best to recharge my system today and tomorrow (and, probably, monday... when i'll work from home) in the hopes of shortening the length and severity of whatever this is. i'm taking plenty of vitamin C and zinc, and downing a ton of fluids. i've also been trying to kick the sore throat to the curb with a tincture of cayenne, turmeric, honey and warm water that i swallow every 15 minutes. thus far, the results are middling at best. every website i've read says, "stick with it! it might take several hours!", but i'm now entering hour three. we'll see.

of course, there's also nyquil, which i may use tonight. not a full dose -- i'm not sick yet -- but enough to create that warm, fuzzy haze that spells S-L-E-E-P. because, i think, i need that more than anything at this point. fingers crossed i wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and sore-throat-free!