last call at the washing machine

many of my favourite products have been discontinued in recent years. scents or flavours or varieties i've loved keep vanishing from store shelves seemingly overnight.

shampoos, conditioners, lotions, soaps, deodorants, detergents, fabric softeners, ice cream, chips, cookies, beverages... pretty much anything manufactured. even maxi pads, fer cryin' out loud! it's hard to be brand loyal to anything when brands keep needlessly switching up their product lines every three to five years. i've lost count of how many times TIDE has changed its scent, or how many different types of deodorant i've used in my life, or how often i've gone shopping to pick up a refill of whatever, only to discover to my profound horror that its spot on the shelf has been taken away and yet another item has been added to the "nope, we don't make that anymore" list.

sometimes, when i get a whiff that a product might be discontinued (as in: supply seems to be dwindling or disappearing), i race around and scramble to stock up with as much as i can before it's gone. i did this back in the early 2000s when the fleecy brand of fabric softener – which my grandmother, mother and i had used since i was born – suddenly changed its fragrance. it hadn't changed for decades, but someone somewhere thought it needed a "refresh." the new scent was like strong cologne and i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated it instantly.

i'm super-sensitive to scent and even more particular when it comes to which fragrances i like. or love. original-scent fleecy falls squarely into the LOVE category. love love love.

so, at the time (i think it was probably around 2001) and knowing how important fragrance is when it comes to my laundry, YB and i went looking for big bottles of the original scent. it was challenging: the old scent was called "fresh fragrance" on the label, and the new version was called "fresh air." a fine line, but a crucial one.

after searching through umpteen stores without success, we hit the motherlode: a zellers (ironically, a store chain that has also vanished in the years since) had some classic scent left and i bought EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE.

the actual last bottle i have

each bottle was more than 3L in volume, and i think i bought ten of them. maybe 12, maybe nine. i don't remember the exact number anymore. but i do know it was every one they had, and that i marked each one "vickie's magic blend" in sharpie before storing them in my parents' basement, lest they be used by anyone else by accident.

and i wasn't able to find any more (not even ONE bottle) at any other stores thereafter. i did manage to find a couple of boxes of the "fresh fragrance" dryer sheets, but even those were yanked from shelves pretty quickly. i felt like i was some kind of bizarre laundry conservationist, working to preserve the essence of (literally and figuratively) of loads gone by.

in the nearly two decades since, i've carefully rationed that fleecy, using it only for bedding because that's what i associate most with the fragrance. it's a familiar, cozy, comforting scent that i will forever associate with childhood and sleep, even though everything i owned was rinsed in it for many, many years. i wasn't as sparing as i could have been at the outset, using the full amount per load for numerous loads. it's only in the past six or seven years that i started mixing the fleecy with other fabric softeners as a way to extend its rapidly dwindling life.

as of this blog post, i still have about 2/3 of a box of the sheets left (i'm saving those for last – the open box currently sits in my linen closet, infusing it with fleecy-smelling goodness) – but my very last surviving bottle of the liquid is almost empty. i'd say i have about half a cup remaining.

HALF A CUP.

and then it will be gone.

forever.

after almost 50 years of that fragrance being a part of my life, it's quickly coming to an end.

i've taken to using just over a tablespoon per load – again, only bedding – and mixing it with downy (another fabric softener whose original scent was long ago replaced with a poor-but-tolerable substitute) + a store-brand dryer sheet, all in a bid to stretch those last remaining drops of fleecy as far as they can possibly be stretched.

remarkably, and perhaps as a testament to why i love it so much, the fleecy liquid did not deteriorate in quality, consistency OR scent after all these years. it still works and smells exactly the same as it always did! (by contrast: bottles of downy will congeal into unusable, unpourable, undissolve-able glop if not used within about a year. i learned this the hard way more than once.)

it's all hugely depressing, if i'm being honest. i know it might seem silly – after all, it's fabric softener! – but it's like a big part of my life will evaporate when i pour that final tablespoon into the rinse water. the smell of fleecy is home. it's my mom. it's bedtime. it's all things good and warm and known. *sigh*

and i'm about three loads from it ceasing to exist.

but i am impressed that i somehow managed to make those bottles i scored almost 20 years (!) ago last as long as they did. that final load will be be sad, i think.

what i'm watching: february 2020 edition

for me, one of the interesting things about going back through old posts is seeing what i was excited about, entertainment-wise, over the years. specifically: which TV shows was i faithfully watching? and how many of them am i still watching now, all these years later? (spoiler alert: save for Friends reruns and Big Brother every summer, zero.)

in the same way that a song or piece of music can instantly conjure memories or feelings for some people, a TV character or series or even a key plot point immediately brings me right back to who i was and what i was doing and what was happening in the world when a given show was on the air.

flipping back through this blog, there was So You Think You Can Dance, which is still on but which i abandoned a long time ago. there were the amazing but short-lived ABC dramas -- like Once & Again and Relativity and Six Degrees -- which were all cancelled well before their time. and Gilmore Girls, to which i bid adieu in network form but never picked up again in its netflix reboot.

so, i figured it might be nice to take a look at my current viewing habits and record them for posterity. that way, years from now, i can look back at this post with fondness and remember a bit about what was going on in my life.

these days, i have very few "must-watch" series. among them, though, are:

* This is Us. easily one of the best TV dramas out there right now, and a worthy successor to those ABC series listed above (even though this one is on NBC). i don't think there's been a single episode that hasn't made me cry, often more than once. the way the writers seamlessly weave the past, present and future into the narrative is astounding to me.

* New Amsterdam. this medical series is sort of ER Lite – deeper and less soapy than Grey's Anatomy, but lacking the gravitas and girt of the multi-emmy-winning drama. ryan eggold is a fabulously likeable lead, and the supporting cast are all charming.

* The Magicians. super-smart, sexy, sassy and insanely inventive sci-fi/fantasy. it's a seriously niche show and i only know a couple of other people who actually watch it, but i look forward to its return every january.

* the Mad About You reboot. unlike every other reboot so far – i'm looking at you Will & Grace (shrill), Murphy Brown (TERRIBLE) and The Conners (ruined by the obnoxious kids) – i loved loved loved this revival. the original series ended long before this blog started, but i'd been a devoted fan. YB and i still quote from the original series to this day! so, settling back in with the buchmans was like revisiting old friends. and they still had the same spark, the same cadence, the same affection as they did back in the 1990s. though it was only a 12-episode run, i'm hoping it returns again.

* How to Get Away with Murder. i'm hanging on until the end, which will happen later this spring. it's been a bizarre, sometimes-satisfying-sometimes-not series, but it's managed to hold my interest with each season's cliffhanger ending. kudos to the writers for knowing how to hook viewers year in and year out.

* Better Call Saul. i was a late convert to Breaking Bad (i binged it on Netflix years after its TV run) and fell into BCS thereafter. it was a tough sell at first -- i struggled to get through the first season. but it grew on me. season five just started and i'm still on board.

* Top Chef. LOVE THIS SHOW. even the canadian version! that is all. see also: The Great British Baking Show and The Great Canadian Baking Show. cooking series are incredibly relaxing. and the upcoming new season of Top Chef will be an all-stars edition. WHOO-HOO!

* Homeland. still watching, though a year after the rest of the world (i don't have HBO, so i always have to wait for the seasons to be released on DVD, after which i can borrow them from the library). the new season will be its last, and i predict carrie mathison will not survive the finale or live happily ever after. she will become one of the anonymous stars at CIA headquarters. i look forward to finding out if i'm right.

* Claws. this weird and wacky ensemble dramedy about a florida nail salon and its ties to organized crime stars neicy nash, which is enough in and of itself. the fact that it's easily one of the strangest series on TV at the moment is a bonus, as is the amazing supporting cast.

there are others – limited series like The Sinner, which is excellent, or on-the-bubble series which i might drop, like The Good Fight (loved season one but have struggled to care since), or moronic fare like Ridiculousness (which i'm embarrassed to admit i can watch for hours) – that fill my to-watch list. and of course all the stuff on netflix, from Queer Eye to Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt to OitNB. frankly, there's just too much good TV to watch.

and i'm always looking for something new and awesome.

which, i guess, is part of the reason it's been three days since my last entry on this blog. i am nothing if not a slave to mindless distraction. but, hopefully, good mindless distraction.

perimeno-pain-in-my-ass

let the record show: i can't wait to be done with perimenopause. i suspect it started, however quietly or subtly, several years ago but has stomped in like an exuberant high-school marching band – complete with the requisite out-of-control hormones – over the past 12 months.

thankfully, i've thus far been able to avoid hot flashes of any kind, so that's nice. but the other stuff?

i'm pretty sure my pal "peri" is responsible for, or at least contributed to, all my digestive woes of a couple of years back, when i would be hit with intense cycle-related abdominal pain and cramping once a month, post-period, like clockwork. myriad tests revealed absolutely nothing – my colon and abdomen and ovaries and everything else were A-OK – so it was chalked up to IBS. it all began during a ridiculously stressful time professionally, when i was working myself to death (so that helped, too, i'm sure), but didn't really let up once that stress went away. then, suddenly, it did. PHEW. it still flares up occasionally, but a lot less often. for now. thanks, wild and crazy hormonal imbalances!

speaking of periods: good grief. i used to be a well-oiled machine, with periods arriving right on schedule. i could predict their arrival with an impressive degree of accuracy, i knew how they'd play out, and when each one was done, it was done.

now? your guess is as good as mine. go ahead and throw a dart at a calendar – you have as good a shot as i do of getting it right! cycles range from 16 days (WTF?!) to – and, so far, this has only happened one blissful time – 56 days. oh, that was a good couple of months. the periods themselves might be four days, or seven, or five, or eight... starting slowly, then stopping outright (?!), then starting again. off and on. or just on. and on. being perpetually "prepared" for unexpected arrivals has likewise become hilarious. "is it now? no. oh, now? today? yes? wait. nope. or, hang on, YES. dammit! no."

most dramatically, i now choke up at just about everything. anything from a church hymn to a commercial to a TV show to a news story will now very easily elicit tears... even if there's nothing at all sad about what i'm reading, hearing or watching. it's like the same biological mechanisms that have thrown my hormones out of whack have also decided to pool their resources and go into hyperdrive when it comes to my weepiness threshold and my (ever-growing, apparently!) emotional triggers. this new ability to practically cry at will would be super-handy if i were an actor. but i'm not, so it's annoying.

which, i'm learning, is par for the course when it comes to perimenopause, i guess: changes that are, at times, funny... but annoying. onwards i go!

news & notes

• mom and i have started booking our annual jaunt to flo-rida. we've booked a flight down... but that's it so far. airfares have been insanely high since before christmas – we could fly to europe for less than a flight to tampa! – so we're waiting a bit longer to see if the cost of the return leg goes down. for now, our preferred condo remains available, but we'll need to book that soon, too, lest it get taken and we wind up with confirmed flights but nowhere to actually stay.

• on tuesday, i discovered that the self-absorbed asshat creative director who made my life and work very challenging – and who seemed to do the same for all his frustrated colleagues – while working on the photography magazine has left the company with whom we'd been working, rebranded himself a "brand-strategy consultant" and is taking full credit (on his fancy website) for the magazine *we* created. no mention of me, or anyone on the editorial/design team, or our content-marketing company... he's painted himself as a brilliant saviour when, in fact, the magazine performed much better and won awards BEFORE he ever signed on. during his tenure, it won nothing and eventually died. i really hope any of his potential new clients checks his references before hiring him. oh, how i would LOVE to be one of those references...

• right now, i'm in the middle of my annual health exams. doctor's check up last week, dentist appointment later this morning, blood work tomorrow, mammogram next week. i'm keeping all appendages crossed that everything everywhere is fine. this is always a stressful hurdle-like time of year as i wait and hope for the all-clear across the board.

the great – and probably unnecessary – shoe dilemma of 2019/2020

as many people know, i am frequently plagued with (by?) indecisiveness. this is especially true when it comes to shopping. for most things. unless i'm browsing at dollar tree, i will often weigh pros and cons ad infinitum before actually committing to a purchase. sometimes, my head will spin so much from the hemming and hawing and researching and reviewing that i end up completely inert, unable to make any decision, so i wind up doing nothing. buying nothing. (to be honest, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.)

one time, i read some advice on getting oneself out of such vortexes of perpetual hesitation and ovethinking: figure out your key criteria and ask yourself, "does this item meet all or most of those criteria?" if the answer is yes, just buy it and stop comparison shopping.

that's been somewhat useful and has come in handy multiple times since. it's taught me that sometimes i just need to yank off the bandaid and do it. if i realize afterward that whatever it is was a mistake, i can always return it. that, in turn, has allowed me to take some risks (which aren't actual risks – they just feel risky to me) with online purchases. stuff i haven't seen or felt or tried on in person because they're only available online.

some of those purchases have been fantastic – i scored three awesome pairs of insanely comfortable and functional thermal leggings for $7 each.

some have been unsuccessful – three times, i ordered zero-drop running shoes (not available to actually try on in any store anywhere in the toronto area) and had to return them because they didn't quite fit right or just didn't fit well enough that i could justify the cost of keeping them. for someone who walks as much as i do, finding great-quality, great-fitting shoes is very important. and as someone who's currently unemployed, i'd nonetheless also like them to be a good value. i don't mind spending a bit more, but i also have a mental threshhold beyond which i can't reasonably justify a shoe purchase.

that's how i arrived at the great shoe dilemma of 2019/2020... which has, as of today, stretched on for nearly three months. THREE MONTHS!

you see, back in november, i stumbled upon a stunningly gorgeous pair of merrell winter hiking boots. i found them completely by accident while looking for merrell running shoes, and was instantly smitten. they were SO pretty... so stylish... and so completely me. just LOOK at them!

i could totally see myself trekking all over the place with these pretty puppies, which are totally waterproof and filled with some kind of aerogel insulation developed by NASA, making them insanely lightweight. and my winter-hiking keens, which have served me well but are about 14 years old, are getting to the point that they should probably be retired. their treads have practically been worn bald, the seams are starting to split and the fabric in/around the boot shaft was worn away long ago.

but there were three big strikes against the beautiful new merrells:

1. they were only available online, so it would be impossible to try them on before buying

2. multiple online reviews cited a particularly painful spot in the boot around the inner ankles which caused 100% of those reviewers to return their purchases

and

3. these boots cost nearly $300. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS! for a pair of hiking boots!

there was no way, at all, that i was going to spend that kind of money. period. BYE BOOTS!

top price limit for me for boots would be $150... and even that would be very hard to swallow. i'm a much bigger fan of the $75 and under price point.

as much as i tried to forget them, the boots haunted me. "just TRY us on... come on, we'll be great! you'll love us! just try..."

so, i figured i'd wait for black friday sales to see if the price dropped (it didn't). then i thought maybe the price would drop on boxing day... and it did, but only to $202 plus tax. an improvement, sure, but still a lot more than i'd feel comfortable paying. one store in toronto was clearing them for $150 (what?! where can i place my order?!), but only in a men's size 11 (oh), which is gigantic and, obviously, nowhere near what i need (NEVERMIND THEN).

since the end of december, i've been keeping an eye on those boots. waiting. hemming. hawing. reading online reviews. i even emailed merrell in the interim to see if they redesigned the boots to get rid of the ankle-spot issue, since the majority of reviews citing that problem were written during the 2018/2019 model year. (merrell responded that it was not a known issue, and didn't actually answer my question.)

at last check, and thanks to an online bonus discount, they were $182.67, before taxes. total with tax: $202.97. inching closer.

and here's the kicker to this whole dilemma: i'm not worried about ordering the boots, having them arrive and trying them on only to discover they fit poorly or cause ankle pain, meaning i'll have to schlep to a nearby store to return them. that's actually a really easy "problem" to solve.

no, i'm worried that they'll arrive, i'll try them on and they'll be perfect, and then i'll have to find a way to justify KEEPING them.

more news as it breaks.

roux-ed awakening

actual image of yesterday's fare

for a while now, i've had this idea in my head that i should find (and try) a homemade-mac-and-cheese recipe.

up until about a year ago, i was a fan of the classic kraft boxed mac and cheese – you know, the neon orange, made-of-chemicals stovetop concoction that takes all of about eight minutes to make. i'd had it since i was a kid, when my grandmother would make it for my dad. the best boxed mac and cheese was, hands down, catelli... but they stopped making it a long, long time ago, so i had to settle for kraft – or, as it's been rebranded in canada, "KD." not nearly as good (it's all about the cheese sauce), but certainly better than all the other brands i tried once catelli's mac and cheese went to the great, and ever-expanding, "vickie's favourite products which have now been discontinued" graveyard in the sky.

one box of KD usually yielded two very generous servings, as well, so it was also a very very cheap option for a pair of very filling meals. but then they changed the cheese-sauce recipe. WTF? and the new-recipe sauce tasted terrible.

it wasn't just a rogue dud box – i tried a few boxes over the course of several months and all delivered the same bizarrely flavoured sauce. i won't even get into what they did to the macaroni noodles, which used to be nicely al dente after seven minutes in boiling water but which suddenly turned to mush after about four. i assume it was the company's attempt at making the prep even faster for those on-the-go types. but i am not on the go. and i do not like mushy noodles.

so...

after a mac-and-cheese-free year or so, i started to really get a hankering for it and reasoned that a homemade version – created from some fabulously reviewed online recipe and devoid of chemical additives – would surely be better than KD v.2.0. i asked mom if she'd be up for trying our hands at a from-scratch batch, and she said yes.

at this time i feel it important to make a confession: before yesterday, i'd never had homemade mac and cheese. in fact, i'd only ever had boxed varieties. (let me know if you need the smelling salts.) and i don't like cream sauces. full stop. these two facts should have informed me how this story would likely turn out, but they did not. live and learn.

anyway...

i scoured the internet and browsed dozens of recipes and read a seemingly endless stream of user ratings and reviews. i found a recipe that sounded good, seemed fairly straightforward and had a couple hundred positive comments from people who'd tried it out. "this could be it," i thought. "this could be AMAZING." it had a variety of cheeses, a crunchy topping and it sounded perfect for a february afternoon. my expectations immediately became unrealistically high.

mom and i gathered our ingredients and met at her place yesterday, "family day" in ontario, to create cheesy, noodle-y greatness.

only... it was not great.

wait.

correction: *i* did not think it was great. both my parents LOVED it. my father, who almost never compliments a meal, said it was the best macaroni and cheese he's ever had. he even had two helpings! and mom was over the moon with how it turned out. she is a mac-and-cheese connoisseur and has fairly high standards, so she knows of what she raves.

but i could barely finish the small serving i took.

i found it bland and pasty, even though it was very gooey and creamy. to me, it tasted like pasta in a milky roux sauce with a hint of cheese. i did like the crispy seasoned-panko-breadcrumb topping, which i applied quite liberally before the whole thing went into the oven, but that was about it. if i had to choose between a box of KD v.2.0 and the homemade mac and cheese, i'd actually take the box.

and that's when i discovered i am not a gastronome. i am a gastronot. though i fancy myself a decidedly discerning dessert fan, when it comes to certain foods, i go low(brow). i like lardy slab cakes and hostess sno-balls and, apparently, neon-orange macaroni and cheese that comes in a box.

and, as long as mom and dad are relishing the bounty of the leftovers, i'm okay with that.

just a break in my stride

for better or worse, i like a routine. structure. and, when i'm on a roll, i'm pretty good at keeping things going – regular exercise, taking photos every day, practicing meditation each night. whatever. there's a part of my brain that thrives on seeing how long i can keep a streak going once it's underway.

but as soon as, for whatever reason, that streak breaks, i always find it surprisingly difficult to get it going again. "meh, i'll start again tomorrow..." starts to stretch day after day, until weeks have gone by and i realize that i haven't been doing that thing i'd been doing so regularly for so long.

so it is/was that this blog seemed to go on hiatus soon after i turned the lights back on in here. i thought i'd write somewhat regularly, even if it was only once a week, but that didn't happen. i sort of blame the flu, which knocked me off my game (and out of my routine) for a couple of weeks. i still forced myself (barely) to keep up the photo blog, but this one became a non-priority. "meh, i'll start again tomorrow..."

slowly, though, i'm getting back into the swing of things. i've pushed myself back into the groove of writing almost every day – i've been working on outlines for three different screenplays, ping-ponging between them whenever i hit a creative block in one of the stories. they're vastly different in tone and content: one's a magical-realism horror-comedy; one's a tech thriller; and one's a straight-out sports drama.

what i've started to realize is that writing anything begets more writing. when i force myself to sit down and write... ideas and stories bubble to the surface – usually in fragments, but still. and more than a few times, i've surprised myself. the more i focus on the stories or characters or ideas – or just writing itself – the clearer and stronger it all becomes. and then those ideas beget more ideas, and a fabulous, sometimes scary, snowball barrels down the hillside towards me.

all this to say: i'm starting a blogging "streak" today and will see how long i can keep it going.

12:34

multiple times over the past two months or so, i've looked at a clock at exactly 12:34. once it happened for the fourth or fifth time, i started to wonder if there was some hidden meaning or message. by the eighth or ninth time, i mentioned the seeming phenomenon to my mom and YB, who both found it interesting.

and it's kept happening.

this morning, i decided to google it to find out if there really might be some meaning to it.

and, per numerology, THERE IS.

every site i checked says that seeing 12:34 (or the numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4 in sequence anywhere) is a magical thing. 1234 is an "angel number," meaning it equals "one" when you add the numbers until you reach a single digit.

that is: 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = 10. and 1 + 0 = 1

turns out, "1" isn't the loneliest number – it's one of the most powerful.

the short version of everything i read says that seeing 12:34 is a sign that you're on a journey of self-discovery, and that the universe wants you to know you're supported. more specifically, it's a sign of two key things:

1) that you're in a place where you need/want to "declutter" your life (either literally or metaphorically) to better facilitate clarity

and

2) that you're on the right track to finding your life's true purpose

i find it fascinating that this whole 12:34 thing started shortly after my contract ended at work, and i decided to get back into my creative writing. i've started to work on a screenplay again, and move back towards the direction of creating movies or TV series. it was the path i was on years ago, and one from which i was diverted for a fairly long while.

admittedly, i've been questioning this "new" direction a lot and trying to silence (or ignore) the inner voice of anxiety, which frequently whispers, "whaaaaaaaaaat?! are you sure you should be taking a few months off? without ANY paid work??? WHAT IF YOU NEVER WORK AGAIN, THOUGH?!?!?"

hush.

for now, i'm going to take that 12:34 and run with it. thanks for the vote of confidence, universe. :-)

pulling on a thread

spotted on a walk. january 2019.

the operating system on my computer is woefully out-of-date. i should have upgraded years ago, and again multiple times since, but i did not. doing so would have meant that much of my software – including oft-used programs such as Word – would then not work, and would need to be replaced because it wouldn't work on the newer OS. i scored much of my current software for free way back when, from someone i no longer know or keep in touch with, so purchasing anew could be a costly endeavour.

replacing the software would, in turn, mean that i would need to buy a new printer (well, if i wanted to ever print anything, anyway), since the one i have – a fabulous compact laser printer purchased about 19 years ago – was long ago discontinued by its manufacturer, and patches/drivers long since scrapped. toner cartridges are no longer sold for this printer, but i'm about 85% sure i can get the existing one refilled. haven't had to cross that bridge yet.

the thing is, everything still works fine. sure, there are websites that don't quite function properly because my old OS means an old web browser that's no longer supported on many sites, but for *work* purposes, all my equipment and software works.

and herein lies the dilemma. upgrading one thing will mean updating EVERYTHING. so, do i take the plunge or just carry on until i HAVE to take the plunge?

this pulling-on-a-thread quandary has come up often in the past couple of years. there's work i should do in the condo – new pieces of furniture to buy, repairs and updates that should probably be done – but i can't just cherry pick. most of those tasks would mean OTHER stuff needs to be done (either before or after). if i finally sort out the storage solution for my microwave and kitchen wares, i can move the filing cabinet in my kitchen where it belongs: in the office. but before i can move it into the office, i need to find a tall(ish) dresser onto which i can sit the office TV, so that i can then get rid of the plastic storage unit *it* sits on. and so on and so on.

soon, everything snowballs into an overwhelming avalanche of to-dos barrelling towards a wall of "oh nevermind, it's fine as is." and nothing really gets done.

all of this reared its frustrating head again this week when i decided to explore whether my old version of final draft – a popular screenwriting software i'd purchased sometime in the mid-2000s – was even installed on my current laptop. (it was not.) turns out, like everything else, that software has since undergone multiple updates and, say it with me, is no longer supported on my OS.

because if i'm going to turn any of my current ideas into a screenplay, i need screenwriting software.

so, what to do?

and then it hit me: was the software maybe still installed on my ancient iBook, which had been sitting on a shelf – and not even opened – for about the past nine years? did that iBook even still work? and where had i stored the power cord????

i found the cord, plugged in the iBook and the familiar apple chorus played as it booted up. okay, step one: complete! (as an aside, i'd forgotten how comparatively loud the iBook's fan is and how tinny its speakers are.) once it had booted, i searched for the FD software and, lo!, there it was. but would it work?

YES!

this iBook still works with my existing printer and, though i can't really use it for much else (it's now sort of like an old word processor), i CAN use it to write my screenplays, save them as PDFs and transfer those PDFs to my new(er) computer for sharing purposes via a flash drive. problem solved!

and then i realized: is the problem really solved? or am i just postponing the inevitable?

gracie: four fun facts

1. she makes "paddle paws" when she's happy. paddle paws are pretty much what they sound like – she moves her front paws in a paddle-like way, as though she's swimming. she'll do this when she's getting cuddles (usually when she's flopped over on her back), or when she WANTS cuddles (again, flopped over on her back), and it's extra-cute when she's sitting in what i call "loaf pose" with her front paws tucked in but poking out from her chest. i'll start talking to her quietly ("are you ready for suppertime? do you want your supper? do you?") and just the very tips of her toes will begin to get paddle-paw-y. it's adorable.

2. she LOVES routine. in fact, she knows our daily routine off by heart and will move from spot to spot in the condo as we progress through various stages. she knows when she gets breakfast and dinner, and when her daytime and overnight kibbles are put out. she knows when we have brushies and when mummy needs to get work done (at which time, she settles in for LONG naps). she does exactly two pees and one poop every day – a pee and poo overnight, and another pee sometime in the afternoon. when her routine is disrupted, she gets snoofly. not sniffly, snoofly... which involves her sneezing and then seemingly trying to blow something OUT of her nose by snoofling. fffffft. ffffffft. FFFFFFFT. once the disruption is done, the snoofliness goes away. (turns out, nasal issues are a common stress response in cats.)

3. she likes watching TV. it's hilarious. she will sit next to me – or, more often, ON me – on the couch and actually position herself so that she can look at the TV. it really is like we're watching it together. and when i put on one of her favourite "shows" (the aquarium channel, or youtube videos featuring birds and squirrels), she is MESMERIZED.

4. she has a new favourite spot in the condo every couple of months. for some reason, the spots change and, as new spots are selected, the old ones are kicked to the proverbial curb. some of it obviously has to do with the seasons – sitting on the window sill, looking out at the world, is much nicer in the warm summer months than it is in winter when the ledge is cold and the panes are frosted over. but others are a mystery. for a while, she loved curling up on an orange cushion on my bed... but she abandoned the cushion a couple of months later in favour of a folded-up blanket. she used THAT for a couple of months, and then opted to just curl up on the bedspread. no cushion, no blanket (both of which were still available). she has a hidey-hole box in the foyer that she LOVED for about two weeks – it's dead to her now. currently, her fave spots are the plush cat bed in the living room and the fuzzy green footstool in the office, both of which she uses for long, LONG naps every day. (and, yes, i realize she is using neither spot in the nap photo accompanying this post.)

looking back

when i stopped posting to this blog several years ago, i pretty much abandoned it outright. i didn't write anything new and didn't come back to reread entries. it went completely dormant.

i even forgot my password and, for a fleeting moment, panicked that i'd actually never be able to log in again. 

now that i'm trying to get back in the habit of (semi-)regular posting, i looked at the archived-posts list in the sidebar. i started this blog TWELVE YEARS AGO! at the time of the first entry, i was living in (at the time) a fairly new location for me, having escaped the horrors of hell house months earlier. i was freelancing, but not steadily. i didn't know many of the people i know now, and many of the people i did know at the time are no longer in my life for one reason or another.

today, i decided to randomly pick through some old entries to see what i'd written.

wow.

for the most part, i say "wow" in sort of the same way i'd say "yikes" or "geez." 

there are people i wrote about whom i can't remember. this is what i get for giving people nicknames! i was reading one post about a friend who gave me a box of questions – something she was going to throw out as she was packing up her place to move – and i racked my brain trying to figure out who the heck it was. "who was moving? to whom would i have given that nickname? and what did i do with that box of questions?!" (i did finally figure it out, thankfully. and i remembered giving the box of questions away when i was packing up MY place to move where i am now.)

throughout, there are comments from my dear friend moob – funny and loving and smart-assy and insightful – who's no longer here on this earth, but always here in spirit.

there are events that i've forgotten; periods of time or incidents that are still tucked away somewhere in my brain, but which i wouldn't have even thought to recall were it not for looking at an old post and going, "OMG! i totally forgot about that day/trip/moment/movie!"

there are also some haikus, poetry, some informative lists, a few entries i remain very proud of today... and a whole lot of rambling.

[i'll admit i also went through old posts and removed a few. too self-indulgent and ridiculously navel-gaze-y and cringe-worthy. yes, i'm sure there's value in having that record of who i was at a given time, but the world doesn't need to read it.]

i wonder what i'll think looking back on this blog in another 12 years. 

atomic habits

sometime back in december, i was eating my lunch and watching The Social – a canadian television talk show akin to The View, featuring a roundtable of four or five (depending on the day) co-hosts of varying backgrounds – and one of their guests was james clear, author of a book called Atomic Habits. the purpose of the book is to help readers accomplish goals by developing good habits and/or breaking bad ones.

the key, according to clear, is to start small. choose your habit and then set out to nurture (or destroy) it one tiny step at a time. for example, if your goal is to be a runner, you need to develop a running habit. or even just an exercise habit. doing so doesn't mean jumping into the deep end and heading our for a 5K right off the bat – you start slowly. incrementally. you maybe that means all you do is aim to put on your running shoes, and walk to the end of your driveway and back, once a day. after a while, maybe you walk to the end of your block and back. then around the block. and so on and so on.

the point is building a habit (however wee) into your routine. ideally, at the same time or same place daily. then, over time, you build on that habit – nurturing it, making it stronger, embedding it more and more deeply into your everyday.

so.

back on january 1st, i decided i wanted to exercise my creative muscles again. to blog again. to start taking photos again. i wanted these things to become habits in the same way that, say, flopping on the couch and losing two hours to reruns of Ridiculousness every evening had started to become habit. (true story. i can watch that show for HOURS.)

because i'm habitual by nature. i like routine. i like consistency. i like structure. but i'd noticed that my "routine" was getting less and less productive. my work contract ended in mid-october, and in the months that followed wasn't really getting a whole lot done. certainly nothing creative. i hadn't been using my time well, and had nothing to show for it, so i decided to turn that around starting on january 1st.

happily, restarting my 365 photo blog has forced me to take my point-and-shoot camera with me everywhere again. i'm redeveloping the habit of looking more closely at the world around me, looking for great angles or cool shots or just weird and interesting stuff at which to train my lens.

i thought that daily habit would somehow naturally cascade into writing a blog post every day, or at least every few days, too. ha! it's now two weeks later, and despite having many blog-post ideas pop into my head since the start of the year, i haven't posted anything.

because i'm not yet back in THAT habit.

part of it is lack of motivation, i think. part of it is apathy. part of it is figuring out when (during the day) to write -- sometimes, i feel inspired while i'm out and about, but by the time i get home i think, "meh. it's 8pm. too late to sit at the computer now."

so, i'm going to try working blogging into my morning routine somehow. right now, i give myself until 10am for personal stuff (exercise, eating breakfast, feeding/playing with gracie, meandering around the internet, whatever). from 10am to noon, if i'm at home, i try to sit down and write – creative writing, i mean. i've currently got what i think are two very strong screenplay (or novel?) ideas, and am working on those. i've got two more, less-developed ideas in the hopper.

anyway, once lunch hits, the afternoons typically get a bit derailed with distraction. watching a movie, cleaning the condo, doing laundry, whatever. and i try to be off the computer by 7pm.

that means blogging, if i really want to get any done, should happen in that up-to-10am window. (i say this as i type right now, at 12:48pm!). i'm gonna give it a shot. we'll see if i can make it a habit, even if the posts are short.

the uncertainty of change

change of any kind has always made me anxious. it doesn't seem to matter if it's a big change, like a career move, or a small change, like choosing where to put a shelf, the side effect is consistent: anxiety. doubt. endless weighing of options and rethinking of ideas and worrying about outcomes. yes, even about shelves.

as the new year gets underway, i seem to be eye-deep in change or perceived change. i'm basically unemployed again – the magazine of which i was editor-in-chief has been in limbo since october, and i'm pretty sure it's dead. even if it were to resurrect itself somehow, i'm not sure i'd go back. our department was purchased by a new company and, as a freelancer, i was not part of the sale. my full-time colleagues have had nothing but terrible things to say about their new overlords and the working environment, so i don't know that i actually want to go back if an offer were to be extended to me.

all this to say, my life has changed. i now have a lot of free time on my hands... and, for me, that's often not a good thing, as it gives my brain way too much time to conjure up new things about which to (often needlessly) stress. while i don't *feel* particularly worried about my professional prospects, i do feel somewhat directionless at the moment.

where do i want to go from here?

what do i want to do with my life?

yes, i've made a very good living in content marketing for the past eight years, but is that *really* how i want to spend the next fifteen or so years? what kind of contribution am i, or is my work, really making to society?

where will i be a year from now?

and how/where/when do i take that first step... and towards what???

all these things start to spiral into a vortex of self-doubt and worry and regret if i'm not careful. i spent 2019 getting back on the meditation and mindfulness wagon, at least more than i had been in the preceding few years, so i'm a bit better at catching myself before i feel like my mind's too spun.

while i work on figuring out a plan before possibly making a professional change, i've been trying to focus on making small changes. stuff that makes me feel like i'm making progress of some kind in some way.

for example, i moved into my condo almost six years ago, yet there are many items i had on my to-do list in 2014 which have remained undone. some of it is very minor (fixing a loose, screwless switch plate where the TV cable meets the wall) to more significant (figuring out how to replace the wonky old shelves in the living room and what should be installed – and where – in their place).

i remember shortly after i moved in, a friend of mine cautioned that i should get everything fixed/replaced/done as soon as possible, because the more time that passed the more i'd simply get used to everything as is... and the more likely it would be to stay exactly as is in the long term. and he was right! six years on, and i've gotten used to the place as it is, with loose switch plates and wonky shelves.

"why bother changing it now?" i tell myself. "it's fine! i'm used to the way it is. i'm comfortable with things where/the way they are. if i change it, i might ruin it all!"

and therein, i've just discovered, is the lesson: my condo has sort of become a reflection of myself and my life. in my life, i'm comfortable with the way things are, i feel "safe," if i make any big change i might ruin it all.

but without change, there won't be any growth. everything will be the same... which may sound OK and soothing to the anxious part of my brain, but isn't actually healthy for the rest of me. i want to keep growing as a human being.

so, small changes which will hopefully beget easier big(ger) changes. it started on friday: i bought a new desk and some new shelves for my guest room/office. they're the first items on a very long to-do list of tasks, which i wrote up a couple of days ago. i took inventory in each room of the condo and wrote down whatever still needed doing/fixing/buying/moving. bit by bit, i'm hoping to get most, if not all, of the items checked off by december 31st. assembling the desk and installing the shelves will happen over the next couple of days.

in the process, and as i chip away at the list, i'm hoping the side effects will be:

• gaining confidence in my decision making ("THIS is where that shelf is going!")

• an improved sense of ease with/acceptance of change ("okay, it might feel weird now, but i'll get used to that new shelf")

• a speedier exit from change-related anxiety ("huh, i can't believe how quickly i've grown to love that shelf!")

• comfort in knowing that almost no change is permanent ("if i don't like that shelf or where i put it, i can just move it, and then patch the holes and just touch up the paint – not a big deal")

• a gradual decrease in anticipatory anxiety over change

hopefully, all of the above will cascade to the other areas of change in my life, too. we'll see.

2020 and time to revisit the blogosphere

that's right.

after almost five years of dormancy, i think it might be time to get this puppy going again.

because i'm essentially unemployed and a brand new year is stretched out before me, full of potential.

and my own personal, creative writing has pretty much evaporated since i last posted here.

so i need to exercise those muscles again.

we'll see how it goes. how long it lasts.

but, for now, it's january 1st and i've posted an entry.

oh, hello there...

wow. two months without a single post.

that's because work has been so insanely, relentlessly, exhaustingly busy that my life has become:

* get up
* get ready for work
* go to work
* come home from work
* have dinner
* shower
* put on pyjamas
* brush teeth
* watch TV to unwind for about an hour
* go to bed
* repeat

that's it.

my brain is a puddle of goo, my digestive tract has gone haywire, i have missed countless screenings and all i want to do most of the time is nap.

there's been no time off, no rest, no time to catch one's breath – we start each subsequent issue before the previous issue is even put to bed.

thankfully, we're getting a break over christmas, so there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

and, come february, both sports magazines will go dormant until june, so i'll have a few months of relative calm and inactivity.

until then, i'll be at my desk, doing the work of three full-time employees… but, on the upside, earning good money and, despite the epic volumes of work, enjoying the projects overall. :-)

a further puzzle

while the mystery of the big dead ants remains unsolved, a new one has sprung up. or dropped down, as it were.

a few days ago, i went out onto the balcony to water the geraniums and noticed that at the opposite end of my balcony from the ant graveyard -- which, thankfully, seems to have stopped replenishing itself -- was a large collection of what appeared to be more big dead ants.

but when i stepped closer i saw that the black things weren't big dead ant but, rather, what looked like droppings of some sort.

i'm assuming bird droppings, since there's no way any mammal could get to that spot and poop over and over and over again in what is basically a 10-square-inch area.

but here's the thing -- there's nowhere for birds to actually perch above the spot where the pile of poo has accumulated. there's roof over the area.

so it's sort of the equivalent of finding a pile of bird poop in the middle of your bedroom -- WHERE ARE THE BIRDS SITTING IN ORDER TO HAVE POOP FALL IN THAT SPOT REPEATEDLY?!

are they clinging to the bricks on the wall, pooping, and then moving on? if so, why that exact spot? based on the volume of the wee turds, it would have had to have been several birds over the course of several days. this was no drive-by pooping.

and then YB posited: maybe it's bats.

bats?

again, just sitting there (there's no nest or anything anywhere) on a nocturnal pit stop, pooping and then flapping away come daylight?

WHERE IS THIS POOP COMING FROM?

UPDATE: i have just googled, and it could very well be bat poop from bats that roost/visit at night.

a puzzle

a month or so ago, i put two pink potted geraniums on my balcony. they're in yellow pots sitting on red plates, on the floor, and they get tons of sun so they now have many blooms.

and, inexplicably, ever since, my balcony seems to be collecting a LOT of big, dead ants.

at first, a few weeks ago, i looked outside and saw what i thought were little clumps of soil swirling around the balcony floor in the wind.

then, a couple of days later and after they started to increase in number, i went outside and looked closer: they weren't little clumps of soil, after all, but the bodies of big, dead ants.

yet, despite this veritable killing ground, i failed to see any LIVE ants. only dead ones, as though – based on their numbers – someone had somehow been sweeping their wee corpses off the building roof and onto my balcony (which i know is not the case).

and, every day, there'd be a few more.

where are these bodies coming from?

are big, fat ants crawling up the walls of the building so they can die on my balcony?

are they leaping to their deaths from the roof?

is there some bird living in the nearby trees who carries them over and drops them off because it thinks this is HILARIOUS?

i have no idea.

i have news...

nothing major, just some new developments at work.

i'm housesitting for YB next week, so i'll have time to blog about it then.

maybe sooner.

but i wanted to post this now so that july doesn't end post-less.

requisite reflective birthday post

it's mah birthday! and, as always, it signals a somewhat reflective period for me.

this year, though, i'm choosing to focus on everything that's good in my life, and all the things for which i'm grateful. (so, a day more like thanksgiving, i suppose, only with more cake.)

i've got family and friends who love me. i'm healthy and mobile. i'm financially independent. i have a job i enjoy. i've got a roof over my head and cable TV and can hear the birds chirping outside my window as i type this. that's cause enough for celebration!

there's always room to grow and learn and expand, and i hope to do at least a little of that in the year to come. 

for today, i've put on my red party pants, am heading out shortly for a day of shopping with mom, and will have something for lunch i've never had before.  :-D

headin' south!

we skipped flo-rida last year, but mom and i have decided to head south again! we leave tomorrow, and will be staying in a different condo unit in the same complex we always visit.

i'm super-psyched for this holiday – it's been two years since i took a proper, completely-off-the-grid vacation. as you know, it's been an especially stressful year or so due to work, and all the cortisol has done a number on my body and hormones.

things are finally starting to calm down, but a week of beach walks and U.S. chain restaurants and shopping and american cable TV will be divine. and, hopefully, restorative.

back in a while, with photos and stories!