three cool things i saw today

1. on my way to work this morning, i rode the subway. i got on a somewhat full car, took a position next to the doors, looked up and saw a balloon flower -- as in, a flower made out of balloons, the kind a clown would make for a child -- wrapped around the safety bar. just tucked up there by who knows who, all cheerful, looking down on all the commuters.

2. on my way out of the office this afternoon, i saw a little card -- sort of like a business card -- that had been left lying on a ledge in a covered walkway. on the card was printed simply "you are spectacular."

3. as i was checking out at the library, there was a huge, elaborate chinese-dragon head (like one of these) sitting on the counter. then i looked up and saw four more sitting in a line atop a large crossbeam.

i regret not having a camera with me today.

transit vignette: spits mcgee

though toronto has a pretty great transit system, it's often the people riding it who can make the experience decidedly unpleasant.

there are the seat hogs (and those guilty of "man spreading"), the riders who play music on their smartphones (on speaker), the weirdos, the folks who eat very smelly food (i once saw a guy peel open a can of sardines and go to town), the gaggles of teenagers who possess no concept of JUST HOW LOUD THEY ARE, the inconsiderate gits who won't get up from courtesy seating to allow an elderly person or pregnant woman to sit down... and, of course, my favourite: the men who – obviously believing themselves to be cloaked in invisibility – unzip and pee right on the subway platforms, in full of view of whomever might be passing by. stay classy, guys!

today, though, i waited for my bus next to a teenager i'm going to call spits mcgee.

spits, as you may have surmised, spit. a lot. really really a lot.

in the eight minutes or so we stood waiting in the bus bay – him about ten feet away, shuffling his feet and bopping to whatever music was being pumped into his skull via his earbuds – he must have let loose at least a dozen huge globs of spit, which he deposited on the ground beside his feet by tilting his head down and then letting the spit... just... drop out of his mouth.

no lead up, no hacking. he just opened his mouth and let gravity do its thing. then he'd resume bopping. then he'd spit again. and so on.

with each successive SPLAT, he'd earn a glance from someone nearby.

i, meanwhile, was shooting him death rays almost non-stop.

by the time the bus pulled in, spits was standing in what i can only describe as a saliva explosion, splattered around his feet like the world's most disgusting abstract painting.

i so badly wanted to ask him about whatever medical condition he has that causes his salivary glands to overproduce to such an extent that he simply CANNOT contain the volume of spit.

because, seriously, WTF?

instead, i just watched him get on the bus and take his seat. i wondered how on earth he'd manage to withhold from spitting for however long it might take to reach his destination. or, worse, whether he'd keep up the act once inside the bus.

thankfully, he did not.

but i'm pretty sure he let loose the SECOND he stepped off.

stalled

that's how i've felt lately. stalled.

as though i'm somehow stuck but unable or unwilling to get myself started again. or, perhaps more accurately, unsure of exactly where i want to go, so i just stay where i am until i figure out a direction.

work has been uneven at best. parts of it so frustrating and infuriating that i almost resigned from one key component of my gig; other parts hinting enough at new things to come that i put up with the crap in the hopes of something awesome manifesting itself around the next corner.

just now, i typed out a paragraphs-long diatribe about the former (that i was going to include in this post), but deleted it. honestly, i'm so tired of complaining about my apathetic colleagues. it gets me absolutely nowhere, and the more energy and focus i give to how much they frustrate me, the worse i make myself feel.

my body is so filled with cortisol that i've begun to actively seek out stress-relief advice. cortisol is very bad for your mind and body, but it's like a vicious circle: the more of it there is, the poorer your response to stress, which then creates more cortisol. i've lost about 12 pounds since august, and i know my hormones are all out of whack. i have my annual check-up with dr. textbook tomorrow, so i'm going to ask her to test everything when she sends me for blood work.

anyway...

the main reason i continue to work in the job that i do is the money. i make very good money and, as a new homeowner, that's vital right now. so, at present, it's a matter of figuring out healthy coping mechanisms to offset the stressors of that steady income. but i never wanted to be stuck doing a job i don't enjoy just for the money.

i suspect this inner conflict is why i'm stalling.

in other news:

* mom and i are booked for florida. after skipping the trip last year, we decided to return this year. i also suggested mom only stay one week instead of two -- by the end of that second week, she's usually SO OVER florida. this way, she'll leave wanting more. oh, and we're staying in a different condo! if you recall, we used to rent the same one every year, and had noticed it falling into disrepair for a while. so, we're renting the unit directly below – which is renovated and, per the rental office, one of the nicest in the complex. fingers crossed.

* much of the work in the condo is finally done. at long, long last, i have my own washer and dryer, and have been enjoying the luxury of doing laundry in my own machines in my own home. there's a load spinning as i type this.

* i've been catching up on movies lately. now that christmas/new year's has passed, the selection of DVDs at our local libraries is much less picked over. there's something weirdly thrilling about scanning the racks and finding something brand new.

* i will be shocked if leeza gibbons doesn't win Celebrity Apprentice.

so, clearly, i need to pick up the ball again...

... because writing (or, in this case, blogging) about oneself and one's experiences can actually have physical and emotional benefits:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/19/writing-your-way-to-happiness/?ref=health&_r=2

points

* i'm starting to enjoy working from home, and am starting to prefer it to being in the office. for a number of reasons. and i don't know that i'd want to go back full-time at this point. i think my brain and body are finally readjusting to freelance life.

* hopefully, my laundry room will be done – with a washer and dryer installed – before december 1st. what i need to do is figure out what to do about the horrible floor. paint it, lay a sheet of linoleum or apply peel-and-stick tiles? the amount of viewable floor space (once the machines are in place) will be about 4", so i'm looking for the fastest, cheapest option.

* every time i look at the shoddy work that was previously done in the condo, i get tired. today's revelation: the entire backsplash is crooked – or slanted. whichever the correct term for tiles that have been laid higher at one end of the wall than the other.

* the handyman has to re-open the wall in my master bathroom to repair a mistake he made. he's not charging me for it, and apologized profusely, but man. it means the toilet has to be taken off and moved back out, the wall has to be cut open and then re-patched and re-plastered and repainted.

* my neighbourhood is as beautiful in the autumn as i thought it would be all those years when i'd drive through it to get to my previous apartment. i can still get to mount pleasant cemetery, which is stunning right now.

* i attended my first AGM at the condo last week, and haven't stopped thinking about the delicious mini sprinkle donuts they served. i have no idea where they got them, but i want more.

* last week, i also started a potentially lucrative new gig copy editing medical-grant proposals. i'd never done it before, but the doctors really liked my work and will have more for me in november. it's meant working both of the past two weekends, but it's been surprisingly challenging and fun. new parts of my brain were engaged.

* i have a craving for cookies right now.

new month, new updates, new directions

* this past week, my handyman went to work on the hot mess that was the master bathroom. he removed the ancient toilet, removed the rotted piece of drywall and removed the broken faucet. in the process, he opened what i affectionately dubbed "the hellmouth" -- a gaping hole in the bathroom's wall, that revealed the innards of the plumbing system for both bathrooms (which are back to back). thankfully, we did not find epic amounts of mould (which i'd feared). we did find that the spout on the guest-bath side had apparently been leaking (just a few drops per shower) for years, and the result was a badly decayed section of wall. BUT... no mould. so, the hellmouth stayed open for four days to dry out completely – during which time only one scutigera and one alien spider (with red legs!) emerged from its depths, and during which time i discovered (by accident) that the bathtub drain was leaking. the wall has been drywalled and plastered shut, a new kohler toilet was installed, the leaky drain was removed and repaired, and the shower now works just fine. oh, and did i mention that whomever the previous owner hired to "fix" things actually used roofing tar to "repair" the leaky bathtub drain? getting it off was like picking 20-year-old chewing gum out of braces.

* the situation at work has become such that i'd rather not go in to the office unless my physical presence is needed there. the woman who'd been on mat leave continues to half-ass her job, and i've grown tired of pointing it out over and over again.

* to that end, this past friday, after a couple of weeks of waking up sad every morning, i also realized that i feel sad because i've been trying to hang on to something that doesn't exist anymore: my experience over the past year. as stressful and exhausting as it was, it was also fun (at times) and a terrific learning opportunity. but it's now over, and it's not my job anymore, and the situation has changed... and i suddenly realized the futility of trying to prolong/preserve/perpetuate what is no longer there. it was like i woke up friday morning with a "you know what? f**k it!" attitude and, from then on, i've felt a lot better. i continue to hope for new business to come into the department, and will be delighted when it does. then, i can work on that. in the meantime, i'll keep writing and proofing and letting the slackers drop the ball.

* this weekend, YB and i are going on a day trip! we're not entirely sure where yet, but the fall colours are exploding right now and we both want to drive north to savour them. so, i'll stay over at her place on friday night and we'll head out first thing on saturday morning. we'll drive and shop and eat and hike, and my fingers are crossed that the weather holds up (right now, the forecast is for showers). i've also been bitten by the thrifting bug that long ago bit trix, so our journey will involve visiting rural thrift stores in the hopes of stumbling upon some awesome treasures. rest assured, there will be many photos of our adventure.

* tomorrow, i have a phone interview for a freelance-writing gig that sounds like it could be super-fun and super-cool. and it would be ongoing, at least through january 2015. it's the first job interview i've had in years, so i'm hoping it goes well, and that i'm given the chance to prove that i can do what's needed.

* this past week was the first time i looked around my place and truly thought, "i love where i live."

oh look! a MONTH has passed!

good grief. i knew i'd been lax in blogging, but i hadn't realized HOW lax until just now.

it doesn't feel like a whole month has passed, but it has. adjusting to not working full-time has been a challenge. because i don't really have a title anymore, or a set schedule, and because there's no clear job description, i feel a bit out of sorts. unfocused. directionless.

back in june, i thought i'd want – and need – to be in the office as much as possible once my mat-leave gig was over, but i quickly realized i was wrong. as time went on, i felt more and more like an interloper – someone uninvited, who was lingering at the party too long. my friends at work were often busy, or growing distant, so the social aspect of being in the office was also evaporating. i was out of sight and, quickly, out of mind for many. for now, i no longer feel like i belong there.

for the past month, maybe a little longer, i've also just been feeling unmotivated to do much of anything. i'm getting all my work done, that's no problem, but actually getting other stuff done – or even wanting to get it done – not so much.

i haven't updated this blog in a month, despite my thought (in my last entry) that i'd actually start a third blog filled with essays. i haven't updated the photo blog in a few weeks, either, because i started to question why i was bothering with it. i forgot my camera at home for a couple of days and, presto, the posting chain was broken. i still want to keep it going, but i don't feel driven to ensure i'm keeping it up.

i thought about volunteering to fill some of the hours in my days, but i have yet to actually pick up the phone or send an email or even investigate opportunities properly.

work on the condo has kind of slowed to a crawl. there seems like so much left to do, and i've just lost the energy or desire to do more of it right now. i find myself saying, "it's fine for now" a lot, even though i know i need to keep it moving or it'll wind up "fine" for years. i did, however, book the handyman for next week, so that the toilets can be replaced and the master bathroom repaired. maybe that'll spark a second wind.

even TIFF felt strangely underwhelming this year. the movies were great, and i enjoyed myself, but i didn't finish the festival feeling inspired or creatively rejuvenated.

when i went to see my therapist this week, i relayed all of the above to her. i'm a little worried about the "bleh-ness" i'm feeling because i don't want it to grow. the natural progression of this familiar feeling is me subsequently becoming more and more critical of myself and my life -- why am i directionless? why am i not better at getting things done? why am i alone? and so on. good times!

my therapist stressed that this is still part of the transition period, and that it will likely take me a while to settle into a new routine. she also suggested i pay attention to how i'm feeling for the next couple of months, in order to assess whether what i'm feeling now is just a product of the transition (and will pass), or a sign that what i really need is a regular job, with a title and responsibilities and structure (if it doesn't pass). she also recommended i be patient with myself, and not so hard on myself. to step back and acknowledge that i'm in this weird place, but not to dwell on it or somehow turn in on myself.

after all, she pointed out, it did take me a long while to get used to being in the office full-time, and to adjust to the routine, so it might take me a while to get used to not being there.

in the meantime, she's advised me to seek fulfilling distraction, so that i have less time to think (and reflect and obsess and fall into a negativity spiral) and so that i'm occupied with something that makes me feel good and somehow helps others. hence the pondering of volunteering.

no idea what shape that will take yet, but i'm hoping to have made some kind of progress, on something, by the next time i post.

which will be sooner rather than later. no more one-month breaks!

ponderings

over the past couple of weeks, and because i'm no longer in the office every day, i've had a lot of time to ponder how i want the rest of the year to unfold. what i want to accomplish (beyond getting the condo in order). how i want to spend my time, especially since i now have more of it on my hands. yes, work could suddenly overtake me again – there's the perpetual promise of new business, which always seems to be just around the corner – but, in the meantime, what to do?

though this blog has been woefully neglected since the winter, blog-entry ideas keep popping up in my mind, usually as i'm trying to fall asleep. but they're for longer-form essay-type entries, as opposed to quick, here's-an-update posts that seem to be all i drop here of late.

then i start to think, "you know, if i write those longer-form essay-type entries, i kind of want people to read them. like, lots of people." and that poses a problem, since there's stuff on this blog that i don't necessarily want shared with the masses, so spreading the URL around doesn't feel like something i want to do. at the same time, there are some entries here that i really really like.

on my long walk home from the office this evening, i thought about starting a new blog specifically for those longer-form essay-type blog posts. posts that i'd want to share more widely. i thought about it for most of the walk, actually. it looks like i'll only really be working one day this week, so i should maybe do something productive for at least part of the other four... and this could fit that bill... and i wouldn't have to post every day...

the more i thought about it, the more excited i started to feel. it would be a challenge, for sure, but who knows where it could lead? i'd still keep this blog for the non-essay stuff and the personal stuff and the nonsensical updates... and the other one would be more like an essay collection. one that i'd likely start with some selections from this blog.

we'll see if i change my mind. i kind of think i won't.

questions

* when you send someone an email, and they don't reply, what you usually assume it means?

* what do you look for in a good armchair?

* what's your favourite thing to have for lunch?

* what did you watch on TV last night?

* how do you overcome feelings of loneliness?

* if you could update any one thing in your home, for free (no matter how expensive), what would it be and why?

house- and catsitting

from today until wednesday evening, i'm staying at YB's house to catsit larry and housesit the chateau. trix and mom are on a three-day road trip to picton, ON, but this is sort of like a mini vacation for me, as well.

trix left at about 8:20 this morning, so larry and i have been on our own since. it's been a quiet day -- i've spent most of it taking photos and watching a marathon of Murder in the First (which is okay, but i'd be fine if i missed seeing the outcome/verdict).

it's been a week and a day since i was in the office, and i'm still adjusting. i suddenly have a lot of thinking time on my hands, and that's not necessarily a good thing. i've been trying to make plans with friends i haven't seen in a while, but i find myself repeatedly caught in the "why am i always the one who reaches out? what if i never called or emailed anyone -- would anyone ever call or email me?" spiral.

tomorrow, i have work to get done, so that'll be a good distraction. i'm hoping to get some sleep tonight -- larry normally spends part of the night sleeping with YB, and the rest of it keeping her awake, so i'm not sure what he'll do without her here. i've been trying to tucker him out and limit his daytime napping in the hopes of him konking out tonight.

there isn't really any point or direction to this post, i know. here's hoping for something a little more cohesive tomorrow!

snapped and shot

hey, have you visited the photo blog lately? it's being updated daily.

a collection of updates

storm clouds this past sunday.

* as of last friday, july 25th, i've transitioned to the "work from home, and only part-time" portion of my job. it's been odd, as i expected it would be, and it's felt strange to be knocked out of my daily routine. i'm still getting up at 6:30am, but without someplace i need to be. i'm checking in at the office via email, but it's (obviously) not the same as being there. i have a bunch of writing assignments, so that's good, but i also miss the camaraderie of the workplace. and, yes, i know it's only been two days... so hopefully i'll figure stuff out.

* yesterday, i reported for jury duty. i'd received my summons in early june, and had thought i might try to get myself excused (since i'm self-employed and only get paid if i work). but, once in the jury lounge, listening to the jury officer go over all the details of what jury duty would entail, i resigned myself to being there for the week. phil, our jury officer, basically said, "unless you're absolutely unable to serve AT ALL beyond just today, wait until you're actually selected for a trial before you ask to be excused." so, when phil was done, i found my favourite spot from 2007 – the tucked-away alcove where the lockers and the men's room are – and started reading a magazine. about 40 minutes later, phil returned to address the entire room. he told us we were dismissed for the day... and then, after a long preamble, told us we were ALL dismissed for the rest of the week! there were no jury trials scheduled to go before the courts, so our collective jury-duty service was officially COMPLETE. done in about two hours and 20 minutes! it was amazing, and the entire room erupted into cheers and applause. leaving the courthouse, i kept passing fellow jury-pool members who were just beaming.

* larry came for his first sleepover last weekend and, though he settled in nicely, he proved to be a mischief-filled rascal once the sun went down. he wandered around the condo, touching everything he shouldn't touch, and trying to get into every nook, cranny, cupboard, box or tiny space he could find. i had to watch him constantly. and, when it was bedtime, he did NOT want to be closed in the guest room by himself, so each time i closed the door he'd start YOWLING. if i had been in a house, i would have just let him do his thing until he gave up and went to sleep. but in a condo? where there are neighbours and strict noise rules? not an option. so, after 90 minutes of trying to get him to quiet down, i gave up, grabbed a blanket and pillow, and went into the guest room to keep him company and sleep on the floor ('cause there still isn't any furniture in there). once i did, he calmed right down. and i actually managed to get a couple of hours of sleep. as a result of this exercise, i think i'll be cat-sitting him at YB's house next weekend when she and mom go on a three-day road trip.

* earlier today, my father fell for a phone scam and not only gave out his credit-card info (!!!!), but also went online and gave the caller (at the caller's request) ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER. evidently, someone called claiming to be from windows support, offering some kind of upgraded security or some such... and dad took the phish bait. as soon as he got off the phone, he realized what he'd done and immediately called his credit-card company to cancel the card and report the incident. the fraud-division rep told him to unplug the computer and modem, and to have a technician evaluate it all because, you know, hi malware! hi keystroke-capture software! hi horrible nightmare! dad did all this, and then called YB... who is, as i type this, probably still over at my parents' house reinstalling the entire operating system from the (hopefully) wiped-clean hard drive. one of her friends heads the IT department where she works, so he's helping her with what needs to be done. in some ways, i actually feel bad for my dad -- it has to be embarrassing to realize you've done something EVERYONE knows not to do. thankfully, he realized it right away and before anyone went online to do any banking.

* i'm having heart palpitations daily. it's starting to freak me out a bit, but i did have dr. textbook check my heart when i went to see her a couple of weeks ago. i'm hoping it's just stress/anxiety, or a result of too much sugar... but if it continues, i expect a holter monitor may be in my future.

* it has been wonderfully cool this july, with temperatures well below seasonal. that means long pants and socks. in JULY!

when it counts

much to my surprise, and delight, i arrived at work this morning to find a box of cupcakes, a card and a note of encouragement all waiting for me on my desk. i'd sort of been dreading the day, since it was my last as (acting) managing editor, and – even though i hoped i'd be wrong – i feared it would be depressing. that no one would notice. or care.

but i was wrong.

the note was from one my friends, who'd obviously left it for me last night because she was on vacation today. it said "don't let today get you down!" and it was pasted to a funny photo of a cat leaping into the air. cute.

the card was from my boss, and i was very touched. inside was a long note, thanking me (in detail) for everything i've done over the past year, and saying that they couldn't have done it without me.

it was exactly what i needed to hear. (well, read.)

i'd spoken to my therapist earlier this week about feeling unappreciated, and she said it's actually super-common for most employees to feel that way. she said that it's rare for managers to properly thank and acknowledge their staff (in a specific way) for their work and contributions.

"i don't mean to be a pessimist," she said, "but your boss may not do anything for your last day."

she then reminded me that it's not about me, it's just about the corporate culture. and that i shouldn't take it as a sign i'm not appreciated or liked or valued.

so, finding out that she and i were both wrong was actually really nice.

when i went to find my boss to thank him later in the morning (because he'd left for meetings by the time i got in), i said i was very touched by the gesture, and told him exactly what i'd written above: that it was precisely what i needed after a difficult couple of weeks.

"well, i meant it," he said. "we really could not have done any of this without you."

then, to cap it off, one of my other friends in the department -- whom i like very much but whom i haven't seen much of in the past month -- bought me lunch and hung out to chat for an hour, which was especially nice. it gave us a chance to catch up and clear the air (there had been some weirdness after tuesday's meeting) and to just sort of sink into that fun, familiar vibe.

i asked her if she'd spoken to our boss, and whether she had a hand in the card/cupcakes, and she looked surprised.

"no!" she said. "he did that all on his own. SEE?! you ARE appreciated!"

what began with the potential to be a crappy day turned out to be a very pleasant day. it was all what i needed.

thanks, that makes me feel SWELL!

so, it's been a week and a bit of "transition" at work. namely, the woman i replaced returning, and me struggling to figure out my place. no one seems to *really* know, and – various times over the past seven work days – i've seriously wondered if anyone actually cares.

there were efforts made to help my returning colleague transition back in, but zero made to help me transition out. so, when she arrived back on the scene last monday, in almost an instant, i lost my job, my title, my responsibility, my spot on the team and my sense of place.

and no one acknowledged it.

no one said thank you, or that i'd done a good job over the past 13 months. no one said anything.

it's been difficult for me, and i've felt quite sad. partly because of the end of the job, but mainly because of everyone's seeming apathy about the fact that my term is over.

but today was the kick(inthegut)er.

earlier in the week, i'd been invited to a process meeting (along with the rest of the team) scheduled for this afternoon, to discuss how to improve some of our processes. in a weird way, being included on the invite made me feel... included. "ah, i'm not being kicked to the curb just yet! my participation is still required! i still matter!"

so, imagine how WONDERFUL i felt when, 30 seconds into the meeting and about five seconds after a two-page, step- and task-filled process document was handed out, i realized that my name was nowhere to be seen ON that document.

i was not part of the process anymore.

everyone else had tasks and duties, and the word "team" (followed by everyone else's names, but not mine, in parentheses) appeared repeatedly in the document.

but "vickie"?

nowhere.

as soon as i discovered i'd been omitted, i wanted to leave. what was the point of being there? why had i even been invited if i'm not actually going to be a PART of this process? i wanted the floor to just open up and swallow me. seeing "team" (over and over again) and not seeing my name was like being junk-punched each time it appeared.

to add insult to injury, the meeting then dragged on for 90 MINUTES. 90 minutes of me having to sit there, nodding and trying to contribute, and feeling like a completely disposable, forgettable afterthought.

finally, at the very end of the meeting, the head of our department asked if anyone had anything to add, or if any steps had been overlooked. so, i chimed in and said, "i know my name is nowhere on this entire document, but..." and then proceeded to point out the oversight of one of my core tasks (namely, proofreading), which had been left out of the process and not assigned to anyone.

i reminded everyone that perhaps i should be given that task.

"that's a good idea," came the response. how no one thought to include it, or me, is (again) disappointing.

when the meeting was finally over, i just wanted to go home. and i felt as though the only person who apparently recognizes my value is me.

a reminder

i'm posting daily over at the photo blog. :-)

better saturday

yesterday i felt veryvery low. thankfully, today was better. i spent the day out with YB and mom.

we started with a delicious summerlicious lunch at oliver & bonacini, then spent the afternoon out shopping. none of us bought anything of note – i picked up a half-dozen pairs of socks for $6 at a humungous warehouse store (?) called "brands gone wild" – but we enjoyed the meandering through malls and shops. and i almost bought a $149 TV for the guest room/office.

when we were done, we went back to YB's place and cuddled with larry for a while. i'm looking forward to having him stay with me (which will happen sometime in august when YB goes away for a few days).

in other news, i've booked an appointment with my doctor to have my thyroid and hormone levels checked -- something is clearly off, which may explain why i haven't slept properly in going-on-two-months-now. i stopped taking the melatonin after a horrible nightmare, and because i'd read that it can suppress thyroid function... making symptoms worse for hypos like me.

so, tuesday, i'll get that checked... along with the weird chest/back tightness i've been having, and the heart palpitations, and my iffy appetite. my boss thinks it's all stress, and i kind of agree, but i'd feel better having the doctor tell me so after testing everything.

in the meantime, i'm hoping to sleep well tonight. a hot shower, fresh pyjamas and Contagion are up next tonight; many loads of laundry back at my parents' house tomorrow.

some days

there are some days when i feel profoundly, achingly lonely.

there's a pressure in my chest, and tears rise at random, and all i wish is that someone would hold me for a while and tell me that i matter, that i mean something, that everything will be fine.

or even that someone, anyone, would just hug me.

today was one of those days.

and i realized, once again, how desperately starved for human contact i am.

transition lens

remember june 2013? when i first started this managing-editor gig? it seems like forever ago, and yet now, 13 months later, it's drawing to a close. and i'm surprised at how much i don't want it to be over. i feel sad, and panicky, and weirdly disconnected.

it feels as though i'm being laid off, even though i'm not. in some ways, it's actually worse than being laid off, because i'll still be part of the team... but i will no longer be invited to the meetings i've attended every week for the last 50+ weeks. i will no longer be running things or liaising with the clients or making decisions – i'll be on the outside, hoping for assignments. worse, while i'm there, i'll be watching someone else do what feels like my job.

lately, being at the office feels strangely like the last few days of summer camp, when you know it's ending and you're scrambling to spend as much time as possible with your friends, doing fun things, because soon things will change. only, it's just me – camp is only ending for me, not anyone else. i catch myself being annoyingly clingy; spending time alone, at my condo, makes me oddly anxious in an "omg, i need to talk to someone and hang out and feel connected to people" way. 

i talked to my therapist about it, and she acknowledged that this job shift is actually a considerable loss for me -- as in, it brings about feelings of profound loss, even though it's not technically a profound loss. and she's right, but no one except me seems to get that. people keep saying, "but you'll still be here, right?", in a way that suggests they don't understand what i'm feeling.

yes, i'll still be at the office. but not every day. and not (at this point) with any clear sense of what i'll be doing, how often or for how long. i actually wonder if i'm supposed to make those plans instead of waiting for someone else to come up with a workload for me.

regardless, i'm having a tougher time than i ever thought i would letting go of a job that, for a long while, i really didn't enjoy. but i've grown to enjoy it. and to enjoy my colleagues. and to love the relationships i developed with the freelancers (many of whom have expressed their sadness that i won't be working directly with them anymore, which is very sweet).

i have two days left, and then i pass (back) the torch. and i really want to start seeing this as a change for the better, instead of a dread-inducing shift backwards.

pulling on the thread

it's been a few weeks of painting and reno work at the condo. well, a few weekends, and then today – canada day – as well. even though stuff is getting done, it still feels like there's so much left to finish. and with every new project comes the discovery of something else that will require tending to.

for example, the guest bathroom. that room is turning into a never-ending series of fix-it jobs and heavy sighs. first, the ledge above the toilet was sawed off. then every inch of all the walls was sanded, by hand, by me. then it was primed. then painted. then taped off and painted again.

the sink faucet and the light fixture should be replaced, but i can't be bothered at this point. they'll do for now. the toilet is original to construction and should also probably be replaced, along with the faucet in the shower. the shower stall itself has cracks and gaps, and i try not to keep myself awake at night worrying about exactly how much water has crept between the walls over the past 25 years.

a couple of days after we'd finished painting the guest bathroom, i noticed the paint along the edge of the shower was blistering. sure enough, on the other side of the wall (inside the shower), there was a big crack.

since a bathroom reno is not in the cards (or the budget) for quite a few years yet, i decided to put on a band-aid. i had a tube of caulking and a profound desire to plug the crack, so i let the bathroom dry out completely for a couple of days (i showered chez YB and my parents), then set about caulking.

and with every crack i sealed, i found a new one. so i'd seal that, and find another. for the love of mary, did violet or her kids NEVER fix ANYTHING???

then, i made the mistake of getting down on my knees in the shower stall and peering under the marble ledge on which the sliding glass doors sit. below the ledge, there was no caulking at all. nothing. just a 1/3" OPEN GAP TO NOWHERE.

omg.

immediately, my mind raced through every home-renovation show i've ever seen, and all the times i've watched homeowners and show hosts crack open bathroom walls to reveal black mould. no doubt, a ton of water had crept through that big, open gap (which runs the length of the shower doors) for more than two decades.

so, i filled it. i pumped a ton of caulking in until everything was sealed shut. thankfully (?), because of the cracks on the exterior of the shower, i know air can still get in there to keep drying it out a bit. in a week or so, i'll probably caulk the outside. then, whatever's growing in there can keep on growing. or die. or whatever. i don't want to think about it. i also don't want to think about that odd discolouration in the floor-tile grout next to the toilet... the one that comes and goes. i'm really hoping that tightening the toilet bolts (which weren't tight) will make whatever moisture has apparently been ever-so-slowly creeping out, you know, stop creeping.

i don't want to think about those things because there are at least three dozen other things that need to be addressed first, and i'm trying to stay the course. because turning my attention to every new problem that springs up prevents me from moving forward. i pull on the proverbial thread... and then wind up pulling and pulling and pulling... then pulling more... and, before i know it, i'm eye-deep in an enormous tangle of metaphorical yarn.

it's something i need to work on. the thread-pulling. both in terms of the condo and the rest of my life.

the photo blog...

... is up and running again. :-)