a belated post-easter entry

i’ve been struggling to find a topic about which to write, which is why there’s been a delay in blog updates for the past few days. then last night, in an email, a friend wrote the following when describing what easter’s become for her in recent years (as a result of events in her family):

Easter is a good time to think about life, death, and renewal...I suppose that's more what was intended before we all started scarfing Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

and, not surprisingly because she and i are frequently brain twins, her description gelled perfectly with what i’d been feeling, this year especially.

contemplative.

reflective.

introspective.

i was feeling easter.

it was a weekend of juxtaposition, and one in which those sentiments of the holiday – life, death, hope, renewal – revealed themselves repeatedly and in interesting ways.

good friday is always rather solemn, marked by what’s frequently a very long mass and (sort-of) fasting. but this year i was strangely moved by the whole day, from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.

in the morning, i sat with my mom in a new church (we needed an early mass and decided to test drive an unfamiliar parish), and found myself thinking of the past... of good fridays gone by, of how we used to go to mass with my late grandmother (my mom’s mom), and of how my mother might be feeling on this day that no doubt reminded her of the past, as well. she misses her mother a lot, and holidays are especially challenging. i also listened to the homily – a point which is noteworthy largely because my mind normally drifts off to neverneverland during the sermon, so paying attention to its content is often hit-and-miss. the priest talked about all the means we have at our disposal today to distract us from our feelings... that, as a society, we’ve dreamed up all sorts of ways to help us stay detached, and that we’ve forgotten that it’s okay to be human. it’s okay to feel. i’m sure it will come as no surprise to anyone who’s read this blog before that those words really resonated with me. so, i sat there and let myself feel sad. i thought about death, and life, and people who aren’t here anymore, and people who are. then i took an hour and walked home from mass to be alone with my thoughts.

as mentioned in my entry from saturday, friday night was spent in the company of friends, decorating eggs. unlike the solemnity of the first part of the day, in those hours, i was buoyed by the joys of life and love, and my spirit was renewed in the process. a wonderful contrast and one so perfectly fitting for easter.

saturday was uneventful, event-wise, but the pysanka blog entry took me a couple of hours and gave me the opportunity to enjoy those warm feelings (about which i was writing) for a while longer. i then headed to young beatrix’s for a saturday-night sleepover. whoopie pies for dessert. score another point for spirit renewal through cake.

on sunday, after morning mass with trix, i went for an easter-afternoon walk with a friend. we have amazing walks, and even more amazing talks on those walks. easter sunday in toronto was absolutely gorgeous – cloudless blue skies, sunshine, crisp air and temperatures that were a little brisk but still delightful. it was a perfect day and lots of people were enjoying the weather, so out we went.

around the midway point of our walk, just after we’d turned to head home, she got a call delivering some sad news. strangely enough (or not, actually), a lot of our walk up until then had involved discussions of life and death, of people here and gone, of love, of loss... again, all themes reflected in the holiday itself, even though neither one of us had used that context. then suddenly, in a heartbeat, life delivered a poignant and ironically timed reminder of its fragility. and, even though the walk home took on a different energy, i feel it – like easter – was somehow perfect and profound in its unexpected divergence. though it was sad, through the sadness (or perhaps because of it) emerged a deeper level of connection that i can’t quite articulate, but for which i’m grateful.

life, death and renewal. repeated in various forms. that was my weekend. as a whole and in its individual parts. i felt sad, and happy, and sad, and content, and various grey areas in between depending on the time and day. it was emotionally tiring but wonderfully enriching at the same time. and i’m glad for it all because, just like the priest said, i’m human.

and it’s okay to feel.