perspectives
when january 1st rolled around, i thought i’d be doing a lot of looking back over the past decade... but i haven’t really.
it wasn’t until this afternoon that i actually began reflecting on that chunk of time, and all that's happened or not happened, and the contrast between then and now became, in its simplest form, somewhat tangible.
i was chatting online with a friend of mine, and we were discussing the fact that we’re starting a new decade (note to matt: technicalities over decades notwithstanding). it was one of those “where do you think we’ll be ten years from now?” conversations.
she theorized that maybe, over the next decade, all things i’ve hoped for might finally happen. that, ten years from now, my dreams will have come true and my life will be everything i want it to be.
and, in that moment, i flashed back to ten years ago.
because, ten years ago, when my life was rock-solid stable, when i had a full-time job with a salary and benefits and four weeks of paid vacation and a tight-knit family of colleagues, when i'd newly moved into my former apartment, when i'd just come out and when life seemed filled with wonderful possibilities... i thought all of those things were going to happen in the decade to come.
yet they did not.
but before i could plummet headlong into a gloom spiral, i was reminded that, even though the dreams i had (and still have) weren't realized over the past ten years, the possibility of them happening in the future hasn't gone away.
at least, i hope it hasn't.
because sometimes i'm scared that it has.
9 comments:
Oh gosh no. There are so many possibilities for you that it's like when Pensive Girl sits on that cliff and contemplates the zillion stars in the sky. That many.
aw, thanks {{{{{{{{{{*lou*}}}}}}}}}}}.
i know there are myriad possibilities open to me. my fear is that the possibility of my dreams coming true may be one that's passed.
as time goes on, some of those dreams have died, just because they're literally no longer possible.
and, as they're crossed off the dreams list, i get a tightening in my chest that says, "how many more are you going to lose?"
perhaps it's a matter of finding new dreams to replace the ones that are gone...
Those technicalities are supposed to help save you from gloom spirals.
And consider this: ten years ago it looked like you'd found a great place to live for a long time, but you'd later liken that apartment to an abusive relationship. Sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold for a bit to preserve things you thought you'd already crossed-off your to-do list.
true. hell house was also one of the examples *i* used when talking about how some things had gone awry in the past decade. i'm just sorry i stayed there as long as i did.
and i love my current place way way more than i ever loved my last one. so that's good.
oh, and to clarify (i just edited the post accordingly), i didn't actually plummet into a gloom spiral -- i was stopped by the reminder of possibility.
I didn't actually think you had -- but I can't edit my comment accordingly to clarify that...
:-)
As a wise old woman says (me)......dreams are good. Get all the pleasure you can from those dreams. Use them to push you through life, but remember that they won't all come true and that's okay, some new dream will come along to excite you!
Go watch "Yes Man". ;¬)
(((Vickie))) gosh I've known you for those 10 years! I dreamed I'd find good friends online and look...it happened!
{{{{{{{{{moob}}}}}}}}}
i think we've actually known each other more than 10 years... i'm thinking something like 12 or 13?
wow.
:-D
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