try a little tenderness

first of all, i’d like to thank everyone who put out good thoughts or energy or vibes on my behalf, or sent me supportive messages and emails. sitting in my apartment over the past couple of days, stressing out more and more about the ultrasound and what it might reveal, it was all very comforting... even if i still felt sick to my stomach as i got ready to go this morning.

if you recall, my last experience with an ultrasound was utterly horrible, and i was sore for days afterward, so i’d been dreading this follow-up appointment for weeks. by the time i woke up today, my hands were shaking because i was so nervous. and, though i tried to distract myself or tell myself it would all be fine, i wound up so internally knotted that i could barely eat anything for breakfast.

i decided to walk to the imaging center, which i knew would take an hour and a bit, in the hopes of working off some of the nerves, but i was still crawling out of my skin when i arrived. i’d planned to get there very early, which i did, and i’d tried to time the water-drinking and the peeing accordingly so that i wouldn’t have to sit and wait in bladder-busting agony. unfortunately, the best laid plans mean nothing when you’re me and you’re scared – my kidneys immediately switch to panic mode and become overactive, and today was no exception.

there was also some confusion about my appointment time. i’d made the appointment for 1:30pm, but they had me down for 1:40pm... yes, only a ten-minute difference, but ten minutes are an eternity when your bladder’s reached critical mass.

thus, despite stern instructions to the contrary, i sprinted to the washroom and peed. twice. 20 minutes before my exam.

i could almost hear ludmila cursing me in russian as i flushed.

by the time i was beyond desperate to pee a third time, a slight, bespectacled woman, who looked like a librarian and who spoke with a russian accent, came into the waiting room and called my name.

“oh, thank god. you almost missed me,” i said, motioning towards the washroom. “i was just thinking that i can’t hold it a second longer.”

i braced myself for a reprimand, but none came. instead, to my utter shock, she said, in a very kind voice, “do you still want to go? you can if you really need to.”

wait. what?

“are you sure?” i asked, certain that this was some kind of trick, and that i would inevitably exit the restroom to discover my ultrasound had been angrily cancelled.

“yes,” said the technician. “just count to ten.” (meaning: only pee for a count of ten, and then stop peeing and hold the rest in. no easy feat, let me tell you.)

“oh, i’ll just count to three,” i replied, knowing that a count to ten would mean an empty bladder.

“no, three is too small! do at least five,” she said.

i was stunned that i was being allowed to pee, but even more shocked that the woman granting me permission seemed... friendly. still, memories of ludmila (note: "memories of ludmila," soon to be a president’s choice marinade consisting solely of lemon juice and rancid milk) were swimming around in my head.

“i did a four,” i said as i hurried back into the exam room, hoping she’d laugh. and she did! i took that as a very good sign since, you know, it meant that at least she had a sense of humour.

“my name is rita, and i’ll be doing your exam today,” said the technician warmly. “please open your gown and lie down.”

i did as rita instructed. she squirted the gel onto my abdomen and i was pleasantly surprised – it was delightfully warm! when i commented about it, and said that my previous experience involved gel that felt like it came out of a freezer, she said, “oh, i’ll have to tell ludmila to remember to warm it!”

then came the part i was dreading most: when ludmila performed my previous ultrasound, she jammed that transducer into my stomach so hard and with such force that i was pretty sure she was actually trying to break through my abdominal cavity to touch my spine. and, not surprisingly, that hurt.

but rita? she gently placed the transducer on my stomach and began. i kept waiting for her to apply more pressure, yet she never did. she just moved it around gently, click-click-clicking her way along as the machine snapped images.

and she actually chatted with me as she performed the ultrasound. i told her about lefty and she said, “oh, i know. i looked up your file on the computer before you came in.” when i asked if a re-check would be shorter than the initial test, she sort of sighed apologetically and said, “no, i’m sorry. i still have to do a complete exam.”

“how long do you think that’ll take?” i asked, again ready for a ludmila-esque smackdown for daring to ask any questions.

“a full exam usually takes about 20 minutes,” rita answered.

TWENTY MINUTES?!?!?!?! i nearly soiled myself. i’d already been there for five, and figured i could maybe hold off peeing for another two or three minutes... but another FIFTEEN?!?! there was no way.

“but i’m almost done,” added rita. “i’ve already done one ovary and your uterus, so just one more ovary to go.”

“you’re already 2/3 finished?!?!” i asked, just to be sure i’d heard her correctly.

“yes.”

“rita!” i said. “you are AMAZING. and FAST!”

she laughed.

and i could NOT believe what a vastly different experience i was having.

one minute later, rita began putting the transducer aside.

“rita... are you finished?!” (and, yes, i actually kept using her name because i found it fun to say.)

“yes, you’re all done,” she said.

i was amazed. floored. i was so not in pain that i actually got up slowly and cleaned my stomach off and just kept praising her.

“rita, that was SO much better than my last ultrasound. i wish i could have you do mine every time!”

“if you have to have another one, just let them know at the front when you make your appointment,” she replied.

“you mean, i can actually request you?”

“sure.”

oh, done and done, rita!

as i closed up my gown, she said, “now you can pee. empty everything out!”

“thank you so much, rita! seriously. you are AWESOME,” i said as i was leaving.

she smiled, sort of tilted her head bashfully and said, in her russian accent, “why thank you.”

i was so immensely relieved when it was all said and done that i practically danced out of that office today. all i kept thinking was, “that was so much better than last time! that was so much better than last time!”

and all it took was a little kindness. a good bedside manner. someone being nice when you’re in pain. i mean, don’t get me wrong, it still wasn’t any fun, but it wasn’t anywhere near as horrible or traumatizing as my previous visit simply because rita, unlike her asshatty predecessor, treated me with warmth.

given that patients are assigned to a tech at random (unless, as i now know, the patient has requested someone specific), it’s a crap shoot as to which person does which procedure on which patient. whichever tech is available at the time of your appointment is the one you get. i saw that ludmila was on duty this afternoon, and even ran into her in the hallway, so i could have easily fallen into her hands again today. there was also a rather angry-looking (also russian!) older male tech on duty who could have been the one handling my exam.

but i wound up with rita. calm, chatty, friendly, kind rita.

and i really believe i have the collective power of everybody’s good thoughts to thank for that ever-so-fortunate turn of events. because, in many ways, i was fearing the ultrasound as much as – if not more than – whatever it might find, and i had so hoped that this second experience would somehow, in some way, erase the truly awful memory of the first.

and it did.

so thank you.

(btw, in case anyone’s wondering, i won’t actually get the test results for at least ten days. but i will update accordingly when i do.)