sometimes i forget the universe listens.
earlier today i was reminded that, when the universe finally does get around to returning your call, it can really surprise you.
back at the end of january, i had an idea for a screenplay. i loved the idea and was excited about it... for maybe a couple of days. my enthusiasm and motivation melted away fairly quickly and were eclipsed by depression, and the notion of writing anything at all pretty much evaporated completely along with everything else.
then, in april, i revisited the idea. more seriously this time. i talked about it with a friend, imagined the finished film, put together my dream cast and named my fantasy lead... and i could see it. but, given the subject matter – a group of young women during WWII – i also knew this sort of project would be something much bigger than me. something that i could write but not direct. certainly something that would be more epic than indie in scope, and a film that could only be made with a big studio budget not just government grants and a digital camera and wishful thinking.
at the time, as i lounged in my daydream, i realized the only way this script (which i hadn’t even begun to research, let alone write) would reach people who might actually make it would be for someone else to get it into the right hands. i thought about my fantasy lead – an A-list actress who’s not only universally loved, but widely respected – and wondered if, or how, the myriad pieces of this puzzle might come together to get her on board.
“at some point, you’re gonna need to put out a call,” i thought to myself. “you’re going to have to email everybody you know who might know someone who knows someone who knows her, so that maybe you’ll really get that ball rolling when the time comes.” i decided to put it out to the universe that i somehow stumble upon just such a connection.
as interesting as this daydream was, i also knew i was hurtling the cart liiiight years ahead of the horse. that, really, i was in no mood to write anything halfway decent or worthwhile, and that maybe i should focus on something more tangible and attainable like getting a paying job or crawling out my emotional hole before i start worrying about what to do with a finished screenplay that didn’t even exist.
as i so often do, i talked myself out of proceeding.
i reasoned that it was a crazy idea, silly to think i’d ever be able to reach this fantasy lead and that she’d be interested in what i’d written... blah blah blah. when one is spinning in a gloom spiral as i was, believing in oneself or feeling worthy or having the wherewithall to pursue *any* goals is nearly impossible. crapping on your own dreams, however extravagant or simple they might be? easy. so i put away the imagining and tucked the idea into my back pocket once again.
sort of.
i never really let it go, and it was always floating around the periphery of my brain. after i returned from florida in may, i decided even if i wasn’t willing or able to write a screenplay right then, maybe i should get the research done so that it would already be finished when the day arrived that i was finally ready to get writing. and, given that this idea i’d had involves actual people and actual things that happened at an actual point in actual history, research would actually be very important. so, shortly after i finished unpacking, i requested a bunch of books from the library, bookmarked assorted websites and planned to immerse myself in this world for the summer.
but, once again, my engines stalled. i could feel the desire and determination seeping out of me, and even just the research seemed like an unappealing, unproductive undertaking that would be a waste of time. i picked up the library books when they came in... and they’ve been sitting in a tidy stack on my kitchen table, unopened, ever since. even though i wasn't using them, i didn’t return them early because somewhere inside a teeny part of me was whispering, “hang on to them. you’ll do it tomorrow. don’t give up yet. give it another day.”
the books’ due date was approaching so, yesterday and without having ever flipped through any of them, i renewed them all online. they remained right where they’d been for nearly a month, but they were also still here. in my presence. i told myself at least i hadn’t yet abandoned the dream entirely.
then... today happened.
while sitting in the waiting room before my chiropractor appointment, i overheard the office assistant chatting with a very excited patient about some project on which she (the assistant) had once worked. the patient was all a’twitter and asking all kinds of questions and repeatedly saying how “cool” the whole thing was. i gleaned (via blatant eavesdropping) that the assistant had, at some point, been hired to work on a production of some sort to teach a specific skill to a member of the cast. and then i heard the patient ask, “so, what’s [first name of vickie’s fantasy lead actress] really like?”
my ears perked up. i have no idea why, but just hearing this (fairly common) first name – no last name, no idea of the project, only a vague idea about what they were talking about in the first place – made me think, “OMG, maybe they’re talking about my fantasy lead actress.”
long story short: after the excited patient left, i asked the assistant what all the hoopla had been about and it turns out they had indeed been talking about my fantasy lead actress.
wait. what?
the assistant, i learned, had worked as a technical advisor on one of her films and had worked closely with her for a while. she had nothing but absolutely wonderful, glowing things to say about the experience and my fantasy lead actress.
then i told her the whole story above.
idea.
apathy.
fantasy.
universe.
books.
inertia.
and she said, “well, if you ever have something you want to send to her, i can always email her...”
in that instant, i felt this sudden surge of energy, almost like i’d been hit by a tiny bolt of lightning. it was like an electric elbow to the ribs from the universe, as if it were saying, “see? it’s not a crazy idea, after all! you’re ONE DEGREE away from this woman. one easy degree. you have to do it. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”
i thanked the assistant and explained that i hadn’t even begun research yet, but she once again offered to act as a go-between in whatever way she could if and when i was ready. i know enough about hollywood to know that it takes more than a random email from a long-lost colleague to make this any kind of “sure thing,” but it was a powerful little revelation. a teensy tiny key to a teensy tiny door that might be a way in.
as i lay down in the exam room and waited for my adjustment, i was practically giddy. out of NOWHERE, the universe had dropped in my lap something that i’d half-heartedly asked for months ago, and something i'd convinced myself was a lark.
when my chiropractor came in, i told her the whole story. she’s a firm believer in the universe and the power of intent and the like, and she wholeheartedly agreed that this was a giant neon sign that shouldn’t be ignored. she went on to say that, even though i might have thought i’d dismissed my idea and hadn’t been pursuing it, on some unconscious level i had been. some part of my brain was still processing and working while the rest of it was eye-deep in the proverbial swamp.
and then i remembered the books.
sitting on the table. visible from everywhere in my apartment. always present. at least once every day, i’d look at the stack and think about them, and at least once a day i’d think about the script. even though i didn’t write a word or turn a single page, i’d been acknowledging those books and that idea every day. i had been nurturing intent. it just took a while for those thoughts to transform themselves into some kind of action... even if that “action” was simply me being in the right place at the right time to hear the right name.
now, eventually, i would have discovered this one-degree-of-separation situation anyway, because inevitably i would have included my chiropractor in my “does anybody know this woman or know someone who knows someone who knows her?!” call to arms and she would have directed me to her assistant. but here i stumbled upon it accidentally. had i arrived at the office two minutes later, or five minutes earlier, i would have missed the assistant/patient conversation entirely, and would never have heard the fantasy lead’s first name, and would never have had the valuable nugget of information i now have.
and the motivation and inspiration that has slowly begun working its way through my veins again would still be woefully absent.
