sleep and saudade

i had the hug dream again last night.

it's been many, many months since i've had a hug dream, but this one was no less pronounced and powerful than its predecessors... though in a somewhat different way.

this time, the dream was long and detailed, with arcs and emotional movements and assorted locations and the distinct passage of time, with hours elapsing in the dream itself.

i awoke from it at 3:26am, left in the familiar grasp of saudade. i felt it so intensely that i almost got up out of bed to write this blog entry in the hopes that i might shake some of it off before morning. but i didn't, and it lingered as i got dressed, packed my bag for work and rode the bus.

while the themes and feelings were largely the same as those of hug dreams past, in this incarnation it was not i who was seeking forgiveness.

though there were assorted "scenes" and events that preceded it, the key moment came when my hug-ee tearfully slipped a long letter under my apartment door. i could not open the door to speak to her, and hit my fists against it. pleading. yelling "why don't you just talk to me?!" as she walked away.

i opened the letter and it was not addressed to me; it discussed me. it was addressed, almost like a memo, to a long list of her family and friends, and i realized i'd been given the copy as a way of being shown rather than directly told how my hug-ee felt. in the letter, she wrote honestly and openly, and talked about me with kindness and gratitude and regret. she said she missed me. she said she was sorry. and she expressed how much she wished things could go back to the way they once were.

i wasted no time and went to find her. when i did, she was walking down a long set of cement stairs and i was behind her. she was wearing a red suede jacket, which made her stand out against the grey of the steps. i called her name and she turned. she seemed nervous and, as i walked down to her, she started to say something about how angry i must be, but i cut her off and just pulled her in for a long, tight hug. again, as always, there was nothing sexual or seductive about the embrace. it was about love. forgiveness. and a profound sense of peace. when i started to let go, she held on. and i felt this enormous wave of relief and contentment wash over me.

then, the dream disappeared. upon waking, saudade.

i don't know what sparked this dream, or why it happened now. the subconscious is a weird and complex thing, i suppose. but, each time i have the hug dream, for a fleeting moment afterwards, a tiny part of my heart wonders if it happens because my hug-ee is having the same dream about me.