remember when i used to take photos?

the above photo is the last one i took -- way back on the night of june 16th, around 9:40pm, when a series of strong storms rolled through north of the city. the clouds you see are the storm clouds, which were probably some 80km away. it's not a good photo, by any means, but it was part of a series i took over about five minutes that night. other than those shots, though, my cameras have been dormant since, well, florida.

work has been insanely busy. last week, my work week was 47 hours. and i'm a freelancer! every night, i was the last one to leave the office... by a good hour or two. and yet i didn't finish the week with a cleared plate.

nonetheless, i vowed not to do any work this weekend. so, in no particular order, i made soup and granola, drove a car, played with george, went grocery shopping, went swimming and enjoyed a dinner of jerk chicken. thankfully, the blisteringly hot temperatures of last week broke on friday, so the weekend was also nice and breezy and comparatively cool (temperatures in the mid-70s instead of mid-90s).

this morning, i began my day by opening an email in which one of my colleagues unloaded on me in a huge way. he's the one who's "helping out," but whose work is inconsistent in terms of its quality. we've had to speak to him several times about stepping up his game, and he's repeatedly said he would... only to revert to bad habits over and over again. sometimes, he nails it. sometimes, it's a hot mess. last week, he submitted copy in the latter category, my editor and i discussed it, and i sent feedback with the copy i'd revised.

and he did not take kindly to it.

frankly, i was so shocked by his email that i missed many of the details and nuances, and only later (when rereading it) realized he'd basically said i didn't know what i was doing and that, among other things, i was tactless. i made the mistake of checking my work email before leaving the apartment this morning, so i was shaking by the time i left for the office. not with fear, but with frustration.

the email -- which i forwarded to my boss and the publication's editor -- resulted in a big meeting between the three of us this morning. i was asked to coddle this offended colleague "because we don't want to lose him," and i tried my best to stand up for myself. i could feel myself getting more and more upset, and caught my voice cracking a few times, but i vowed i wouldn't cry. and i didn't.

i explained how i see things -- i have higher standards than the publication's editor (which he agreed was true), and this offended colleague has been told REPEATEDLY to improve. very nicely at first, and gradually more sternly. was my feedback tough? yes. was i rude? no. "tactless"? no. i pointed out that the magazine in its current form is not the magazine for which this colleague was writing two or three years ago. the demands and expectations from the client have increased, the quality of the work has to improve dramatically and the sheer volume of work we're being asked to produce means we have to get it right on the first try -- we don't have time to send stories back and forth so they can be revised. especially not by someone who should know (and do) better in the first place.

long story short, my boss and the editor agreed with me and took my side. mostly. i sent my colleague a quick and insincere apology for my email tone (to defuse the tension), he apologized for his, and we agreed to move on. my boss told the publication's editor that he (the editor) "needs to have a talk"with the offended colleague... who also happens to be one of his good friends. not surprisingly, by the end of the day, that talk hadn't happened. i made sure to ask after it while my boss was present, so he could see that yet another task was not completed by the editor.

whatever.

i'm tired of being asked to do a job inside a framework that guarantees i cannot actually DO that job. i can't ensure the quality of the publications if, when i take action and challenge someone who's not turning in quality work, i'm told i'm being too firm. if they want me to fix what's wrong, they need to let me fix what's wrong. and, instead of worrying about "losing" someone else, maybe someone should be worrying about losing me.

because, right now, i'm not interested in continuing in this role past the film festival. and i'm not convinced that's sunk in with anyone in any kind of real way, no matter how many discussions we have or how many times i point out how and why the current setup isn't working.

so, i'm taking my life back a little at a time. tomorrow morning, i've told (not asked) my colleagues that i won't be in in the morning because i'm going to a screening. later this week, i'll be letting them know i'll be in late because i have to return a pair of shoes to a store downtown, and that store only opens at 10am. next week, i have another morning screening that i don't plan on missing. and, who knows, maybe someday before september i'll have unwound enough to grab the camera and bernard and head out on a photo expedition.

i'm fed up with shoving all my non-work to-do items to the weekend when the editor of the publication freely comes in late and leaves early due to childcare-related errands. and i'm tired of having no life outside of the office.