five things on a monday night

* this weekend, i did two loads of laundry. i pride myself on brilliant custom blends of detergent and fabric softener, so that my clothes or bedding or towels or whatever i've washed smells uniquely amazing. yet, for some inexplicable reason, i decided to "just try" a new fabric softener my mom had purchased. i took of its cap, smelled it, and it seemed okay. cut to an hour later, as i took my fluffy and dry clothes out of the dryer to discover they all smelled like cologne. UGH. because my parents' washer and dryer are very large, i was able to launder a LOT of clothing all in that one tragic load. and, now, i have nearly a month's worth of shirts that smell like a dude.

* this coming weekend, YB and i might make homemade pasta and sauce. we haven't done that in nearly two years, and there's nothing quite as delicious as from-scratch pasta.

* i had my meeting with my boss this afternoon, and everything is still up in the air. my role, my hourly rate, an ETA for a new editor for the tech magazine. he did, however, thank me for everything i've done over the past five and a half months, and said i've been doing an amazing job, which was very much appreciated and (i think) deserved. he said he'll make a case (to the powers that be) to up my fee as much as he can... but he'd also spent the hours before our meeting hearing about budget cuts, so there will likely be a limit to what's feasible. or, more to the point, approve-able.

* of the new crop of fall shows, the only one i've enjoyed enough to keep watching beyond two episodes is The Blacklist. i like james spader.

* it's time to get my flu shot.

distractions, developments and down time

oh, hey, look! it's been TWO WEEKS (?!) since my last blog post. that ain't cool, and i kind of can't believe time has flown as it has. lou speculated in the comments of the last entry that i've been busy -- that's sort of true. more true is that i've just been tired.

this past week was the first week in a long while wherein i didn't work until after 7pm each night. it was a small oasis in an ocean of long hours, and i'm almost certain it ends tomorrow. but tomorrow i also have a sit-down with my boss to discuss what happens after december 31st. my contract (which runs for six months at a time) ends then, and nothing has been cemented for january 1st or beyond.

so, it's time to figure out what my new hourly rate will be (because i want, and feel i more than deserve, a hike), what my responsibilities will be (because they have continued to grow, week after week) and what my actual role will be (because, though i was asked to be a managing editor, i've in fact been more of an editor-in-chief).

and, seriously, i'm so tired of complaining about my job. there are actually aspects of it that i enjoy -- all involving the people with whom i work, and the sense of community that emerges when you spend eight hours a day with your colleagues, five days a week.

in other news since my last entry...

larry, YB's newly adopted cat, has settled in. he is an excellent snuggler, and will spend hours nestled next to you on the couch -- his upper body sprawled across your lap, and his hind quarters tucked snugly along your hips. and he purrs. purrs and purrs and purrs. i swear, he is undeniably happy to have been adopted.

his pee, however, is SUUUPER-strong. neither george nor mr. poo had stinky pee (i mean, it's pee, so it will never smell "good," i know, but george's is virtually odorless), but larry's is pungent and can be smelled from two floors away when he's just been to the litter box. i call him "stinker" when trix – who doesn't think it's funny – isn't within earshot. ;-)

he had his inaugural check-up at the vet, though, and everything's normal. he had a urinalysis and blood work, and everything is A-OK. so, he's just a stinky pee-er. plus, he turned out to be younger than the shelter had guessed -- the vet said he's probably just over a year old. awwwwwwwwww. and, now that he's out of the shelter and transitioning to better food, being brushed regularly and able to relax, his coat is getting shiny and fluffy. hence my second nickname for him: fluffernutter.

this past saturday, i catsat for YB while she spent the night out. and it was wonderful -- i'd spent the day baking with my mom, who's prepping three batches of cookies for a church bake sale, and had then gone for a big walk to trix's place. as soon as i arrived, i changed into my comfy home clothes, made myself spaghetti and settled in on the couch with larry for a quiet evening of movie watching.

and that one great day was exactly the relief i needed from my work week. i'd actually looked forward to saturday, and its homey activities, all week... and the day unfolded exactly as i'd hoped it would. i capped off the weekend by making a big pot of vegetable soup, which the family had for dinner tonight.

now, i'm in my pyjamas, lunch made for tomorrow and laundry all put away. i'll watch Long Island Medium, read a back issue of Prevention and then head to bed by 10:30pm (at the latest). another week starts tomorrow and, hopefully, new directions at the office.

larry!

weekend planz

will george be willing to share his toys?

* toronto animal services is having a "sale" on cats this weekend – $25 to adopt a cat or kitten – and YB is ready to adopt. she's got all her gear (litter box, litter, food bowls et al.) and had said last week that she'd start looking during the next $25 sale (they happen a few times each year). then, unexpectedly, my mom said she might consider a second cat. a friend for george, who has separation anxiety and doesn't like to be left alone, especially at night. i think we're heading to one of the shelters this afternoon to see who might want a new home.

* mom gets her new car on monday, so we'll take her white intrigue out for one last spin or two. it was a great car, and still in good condition (with mileage under 150K) but, in order to get the insurance money, she has to hand it over. we'll be cleaning out all its pockets and compartments.

* it's rainy and windy here today, and the perfect day for making soup.

* tomorrow is supposed to be crisp and cold and mainly sunny. mom bought herself a ticket to an afternoon concert at roy thomson hall, so we'll go to lunch, she'll go hear the military bands and i'll maybe go for a big walk OR see a movie OR who knows. the fall colours have peaked, so it might be time for a stroll through the botanical gardens or the toronto islands. either way, i think we'll be having tacos before we each head off in search of sunday-afternoon fun.

lady, bugged.

on monday, i was walking back to the office from an appointment with my therapist. i'd spent the past hour discussing work, and my stress levels, and my dissatisfaction with it all. i was feeling a bit worked up and generally annoyed, and was making my way along the sidewalk, lost in my own grumbly thoughts.

at one point, i looked up and, for the briefest of moments, saw something orange flying straight for my face. it hit my forehead and, in a mild panic, i thought it might have been a wasp.

i looked down and there, sitting on my lapel like a cheerful little pin, was a ladybug.

i stopped walking. "this has to be some kind of good luck, or a sign," i thought.

i moved my finger over to my tiny new friend and it climbed aboard.

then just... sat there on my knuckle. i didn't want to fling him into the air so, as i waited to cross the street, i looked for somewhere appropriate for him to perch. (though, for a minute, i did consider letting him ride my finger all the way to my desk.)

he stayed put on my extended finger, as though he were my pet and we were out for a stroll. when i crossed the street, i found some shrubs and tried to get him to climb off onto a leaf. at first, he resisted, climbing farther onto my hand instead of anywhere near the shrub. so, i had to redirect him, nudge him off and, a few moments later, bid him adieu as he settled in to his leafy new respite spot.

as i walked back to work, i said a quiet "thank you" to the universe for snapping me out of my own head in a such an adorable way. in a split second, i'd gone from "arrrrgh, arrrrgh, arrrrgh" to "awww! look at you! hi, little guy!", and so needed it.

sunday-night updates

* my parents just bought a new car. a honda civic. a couple of weeks ago, they were in a minor fender bender with a young girl who was waiting in a left-turn lane and decided to pull *out* of the lane... but didn't check her blind spot and, thus, clipped the rear driver-side wheel well of my mom's car (because mom was driving in the lane into which this young woman pulled about 10 seconds too soon). at first, the girl wanted to avoid alerting the insurance companies... then balked when my parents' mechanic quoted an $950 repair fee. so, they went through the insurance companies and their mechanics quoted a repair fee of more than $2000. oh well! but my parents' insurance company actually said the price of the repair was more than the value of the car... so they paid 'em out $3500. and, within 48 hours and after some hugely stress-inducing car shopping with my father (omg), mom settled on a civic. they're waiting to hear if the colour mom wants is available, but she should be driving around in new wheels by halloween. (note: their current car is not undrive-able, and the dent is small... but it's in a location that can't be pounded out without essentially taking the car apart.)

* i have an editorial assistant starting tomorrow. the good news: she will take on work that would otherwise have been assigned to me. the bad news: she won't actually be alleviating any of my current workload, just preventing more from landing on my desk.

* after all the crap i ate on our recent road trip, i've decided to resume eating healthier. i'd basically fallen off the quinoa/salad/whole grain bandwagon a few months ago, and i've noticed some doughiness around my middle. turns out, that's where your body stores fat when you're under stress. GO FIGURE. so, today, mom, trix and i had lunch at whole foods where, for only $3.74, i loaded up at their hot/cold buffet with all kinds of superfoods and dark, leafy greens. we went grocery shopping thereafter (not at whole foods), and i bought broccoli, baby spinach and apples. YB made a delicious vegetarian shepherd's pie on friday, so i took home leftovers of that and of the pesto-bean-potato fettuccine she made for a dinner party she hosted yesterday. i also brought home leftover grapes (they are huge and delicious), some jarlsberg cheese and a sleeve of bran crunch cookies... which are much tastier than they sound.

* further to the apple note above, i have discovered sweetango apples. they are nothing short of SPECTACULAR. and, unfortunately, expensive. a half-dozen of them cost me $8 today. but they're so worth it.

* and further to the image accompanying today's entry: i, like thousands of other torontonians, received a notice from the sheriff's office several weeks ago, alerting me to the fact that i might be called for jury duty in 2014. i was required (by law) to fill out a prospective-juror survey -- wherein i answer questions about any criminal convictions in my past, whether i'm a veterinarian (or any other profession exempt from serving) and the like -- which had to be returned in a postage-paid envelope that bore the return address you see above.

* for a fleeting moment yesterday, i considered this property. it popped up in my listings. isn't it cool?! if i were working from home (and didn't need to go downtown daily), and had a car, i might have considered it... because it's totally me... but it's in the middle of nowhere, amenities- and commute-wise, and not having laundry is a deal-breaker. plus, i also suspect houseboat ownership comes with all sorts of headaches (e.g., insurance, partyboat neighbours) that condo or house ownership might not. anyway, enjoy the virtual tour. i did!

i'm giving serious thought to resigning...

... not from the company, because i really like my colleagues, but certainly from this position. after a wonderful five-day escape to the U.S. (filled with junk food and misadventures), i went back to work today and walked face first into a mountain of work. it's amazing how much accumulated in only 48 hours (monday was a holiday here in canada).

more than the sheer volume of work, though, it's the thanklessness of the work that's getting to me. it's like being in a job where you only ever do things wrong. and then hear about how wrong it all is.

no matter what i put before the clients, no matter what's been written or how a page has been designed or how much effort has gone into something, it's always wrong. there is no pleasing them, and their tastes change by the day.

one issue, the colours are too bright. so we mute them. the next issue? the colours are too boring and need to be "more exciting."

copy is too serious and needs to be "more fun." so, we write "fun" copy and it's deemed too lighthearted and fluffy.

they want black, so we give them black. then they want white, so we delete the black and give them white. then they decide they want brown. then purple. then back to black.

it's like banging your head against a wall.

and no one ever says, "thank you." thanks for doing a good job, thanks for staying until 8pm, thanks for keeping things moving, thanks for not quitting, thanks for picking up everyone's slack.

unfortunately for me, there's no sign of it getting better anytime before, oh, january. and i have my doubts that january will actually bring relief, since it's been promised to me since july.

"next month will be better."

yet every month is actually worse than the last, and i'm growing decreasingly interested in seeing just how bad it can get. i rarely take lunch, i have no life outside the office, i'm always the last to leave the office... and, over the past little while, i've started to reevaluate whether this is the kind of job i want. one where i don't enjoy what i do, and one where i'm tired all the time. i left full-time work for exactly the reasons i'm considering leaving it again.

so, i'm thinking. in the meantime, please enjoy the first photo i took on this weekend's road trip -- it's the rest area in grimsby, just after 7am, as the fog was slowly lifting.

road trippin'!

on saturday morning, before dawn, YB and i will be heading out for four days of shopping and eating in america. we'll go as far as cleveland and then work our way back through erie, PA, and buffalo.

i'm very much looking forward to not being at work. also, to buying new shoes and pants, and to eating at our favourite U.S. chain restaurants, and to picking up more of the delicious shortbread we found at one of the whole foods we visited.

i'm bringing my camera and plan on documenting the trip. i'm hoping for some awesome fall colours, some funny signs, some delicious dishes and at least one photo -- like the one above -- of a moe's burrito.

happy thanksgiving weekend to my canadian pals! i'll be south of the border, celebrating with some columbus day sales. :-D

weekending

here's all you really need to know about this weekend: on saturday evening, i spent five hours playing with a nikon D700 and assorted lenses, and taking 999 photos at the wedding reception for a couple of newly married friends of mine. it was exhausting but incredibly satisfying.

above is one of those photos, which i happen to like quite a bit. :-)

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ

i continue to wait for work to ease up, for solutions to be found, for help to be hired, for office days that end before 7pm, for lunch hours and for a return to a less-busy, more-balanced life.

for now, it ain't happening.

my neighbours above continue to thump so, after a long and stressful day at work, i come home to noise-induced stress. i can't write. i don't want to write. i just want quiet.

my little white-noise machine is helping me sleep, though.

save for walking to and/or from work, i'm not really exercising. and my diet has become crap. a poor diet means one's body becomes ill-equipped to handle stress properly. i've noticed.

but YB and i have just booked ourselves on a four-day road trip to cleveland (which, of course, comes with its own hotel- and fear-of-bedbugs-induced stress).

and autumn, my favourite season, is officially here.

and i keep browsing real-estate listings in the hopes that my perfect home will materialize.

and i keep running my numbers to remind myself that i'm earning a good living and can afford to buy a great place when one comes up.

and, speaking of homes, YB just paid off her mortgage, in full, so she's thrilled beyond measure.

well, would you look at that!

i was off for a whole week and didn't blog once. shoot.

despite my best intentions, life and fatigue took turns getting in the way. i didn't really have as much spare time as i thought i would, and often got home much later than expected or realized i had to leave much earlier than planned. the festival was super-busy this year, and i spent many many hours standing in lineups at assorted theatres. i didn't even finish blogging about the fest, and kind of gave up after three entries. sitting down and writing just didn't happen in any form over the past nine days.

here then, in one abbreviated post, is what you need to know about how life's been:

* i saw 10 films at TIFF. the best of the okay lot was probably Tracks, which tells the true story of robyn davidson and her solo trek across the australian desert in 1977. when she was a teenager (!). the most disappointing was A Promise, which will henceforth be referred to by me as The Blah-mise.

* during the fest, i caught up with festival friends and had my annual coffee-and-snacks catch-up with my faraway friend from DC, which was nice. i chatted with friendly people in line and, overall, was grateful to have a one-week break from the office.

* last wednesday was my mom's birthday, so we spent the day out. we picked up as many birthday freebies as we could, went shopping, had lunch and a free slice of cake, and then sat down for a free movie (Closed Circuit, which was okay) to end the day. i had fun, and i think she did, too.

* on thursday, i went to have my passport renewed. it expires in about a month, and i realized that i'll need it if YB and i decide to go on a short U.S. shopping trip next month. much to my extreme delight, the whole process took four minutes! i arrived at a wonderfully empty time (10:30am) and only had to wait about six seconds before being attended to by one of the government staffers. i should have my new, 10-year passport in a week or so!

* i have a new next-door neighbour. he must have moved in sometime last week. i heard him hammering and hammering and hammering until 10pm on saturday, then caught a glimpse of him on sunday as he went to let his obnoxious, rich-kid-type (adult) friends into the building. i am praying he's quiet -- after the hammering, there hasn't been much noise from his side of the walls. the upstairs neighbours, however, continue to thump and thud through their days and nights, which is slowly driving me mental.

* did i mention i'm now the entertainment editor on a new magazine? that's in addition to being managing editor on the current two. it means i'll get to write about DVD releases, and write or assign out as much (or as little) as i'd like. i'm happy to be doing it!

* my therapist finally returns from her long medical leave tomorrow, so i have my first appointment with her in the afternoon. it's been just over nine months since i last saw her, and i'm not sure how i feel about resuming therapy. part of me still wants to do it, and knows i can still benefit from it, but another part of me has enjoyed the freedom of not being locked into that weekly appointment, right smack in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. i'm sure she and i will discuss how to proceed.

* even though i was off for a week, i am exhausted. i didn't really sleep well most nights, and certainly didn't get enough sleep last night. i'm hoping to be in bed by 10:30pm today.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

i'm free!

for the next week, i'm free from work!

free from clients!

free from 10-hour days sitting at a desk!

free from office-related stress!

free from deadlines!

free to see movies!

free to run errands!

free to unwind!

freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

weekend misadventures

so, ericanddan were here this past weekend (yay!), and we did a number of fun things.

on saturday, we had lunch at a restaurant where the food was meh but expensive. then we walked and walked and walked around the city for a few hours. we had iced drinks at starbucks and finished our afternoon together with delicious mini cupcakes.

on sunday, we went to centre island (aka: spider island). it was wonderful. the weather was great (sunny and warm, but not too hot) and the island was packed with people. we each bought a book of 10 ride tickets. i rode the carousel with eric, and the train with dan; they rode the flume and went on the haunted barrels without me (not my thang). i hadn't ridden that carousel since i was a teenager, and it was ever-so-special to ride it again as an adult. we then headed back into the city, had a fantastic dinner of burgers and fries, and capped off the day by seeing Blue Jasmine, which was good but kind of a downer.

monday was the fellas' last day in town. we met up for a 1pm showing of Lee Daniels' The Butler, which was very good and very moving. i think i cried on and off from almost the first frame onwards. something about forest whitaker, i think. afterwards, the guys needed a pre-departure meal, so we ventured into the insanely packed eaton centre, picked up food and went to eat it in one of the empty food courts nearby.

then we said goodbye, which was sad. i love spending time with those two, and their visit provided me with a much-needed break from reality. sadly, we were all so pooped this weekend that we didn't really take too many photos and there will be no post-trip video. but i did take this picture of one of the centre island ferries.

4 more days

i have four more days of work and then i'm off for a whole week. FOUR MORE DAYS! i can't begin to express how excited i am that, in a week, i'll be able to exhale. i'll be able to spend my days not sitting at a desk for 12 hours. i won't have to answer emails from clients, won't have to track freelancer invoices, won't have to go to meeting after meeting.

in a week, i'll be able to blog (!) freely. and i'll be able to go to movies, meet friends for mid-afternoon snacks, take a shower at 1pm if i so choose, go for big walks, take photos and generally catch up on life for a while.

work has been a slog. i've given up trying to get through to anyone about the slack editor of the tech magazine. if all goes as planned, he'll be moved to another magazine in the next little while, and they'll hire a new editor who'll (hopefully) actually want to work.

but that's enough about work. YB has an excellent policy that i'm going to try to adopt: don't talk about work when you're not at work. her job is as stressful as mine, and she – like me – has piles of work and tons of responsibility. but, a while back, she realized that even talking about her job raised her stress levels... and she wanted her time away from the office to be stress-free. so, no more work talk on the weekends or in the evenings. she actually stopped me last weekend when i started to get riled up about my work situation. "don't talk about it," she said. "it's just going to make you upset." and she was right.

in other news, i did a lot of reading on white noise last night. the girls living upstairs have been particularly thumpy this past week, and i'm not sleeping well. so, i did what anyone would do when desperately seeking possible remedies: i hopped online. and i learned that white noise (or, more to the point, "pink" noise, which is gentler than true white noise) can be a life-saver when it comes to sound sleep. you can read about the science/benefits here.

anyway, after researching umpteen white-noise machines, i came upon an interesting tip online: instead of buying a machine, just tune your clock radio (or any radio) between stations for that audio "snow," and voila! white noise. sadly, my clock radio just has dead silence between stations – no snow – so that was a bust.

but then i remembered: the TV in my bedroom only goes up to channel 41. beyond that, it doesn't pick up stations, just snow. this could work, thought i.

and you know what? IT DID.

when i went to bed, i popped in my ear plugs (as i do every night, and as i've done ever since i moved into hell house 14 years ago), turned on my TV, flipped to a "dead" station and draped a T-shirt over the screen to eliminate the glow. i pulled out an ear plug to make sure the white noise wasn't deafening (and wouldn't wake my neighbours) and it was perfect. loud enough that i could hear the hissssss through my earplugs, but low enough that it wouldn't disturb anyone else.

and, for the most part, it worked really well. i'd made the mistake of having juice earlier in the evening, so i had to get up to pee a few times in the night, but i swear that white noise made it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep, otherwise. i'm going to try it again tonight.

today, i've got some writing to do for the entertainment magazine. then, just after noon, i'll meet up with ericanddan for some eating and wandering and maybe a movie. the skies have darkened outside, and the forecast is for rain later, so sitting in a (dry) theatre sounds like not a bad idea.

holy crapballs

found this in bew-falo during our road trip in june.

i can't believe it's been more than a week since i last blogged. and, even then, my last entry was a video clip.

there isn't much to report beyond being totally buried at work. i didn't leave the office before 7pm any night this past week. my boss keeps saying, "why don't you just leave on time and do that tomorrow?"

and i keep explaining to him that the amount of work that needs to be done cannot be completed in a seven-hour workday. it could if the editor of the magazine actually, you know, pitched in.

but he continues to slack off. we had an "emergency preparedness" meeting on friday to figure out how stuff will get done during the week i'm off for TIFF. the powers that be seem to think the delinquent editor will, with some help, get it all taken care of.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

this should be good. i don't think any of them have really grasped the sheer volume of the stuff i do... but i suspect they'll have a pretty good idea of it during those five vickie-less days.

speaking of being off, today i finally went through the TIFF film list to make my selections. i'll find out on wednesday how many of those films i'll actually be seeing. i've been given a decent order window, so it should be fine.

in other news, ericanddan are coming to toronto next weekend, so i am very much looking forward to a few days of photo-taking, video-making and general silliness. i just have to get through the upcoming week first.

in the meantime, my grocery shopping is done and, shortly, i will shower and change into my pyjamas to be ready for Big Brother, and a slice of raspberry coffee cake, at 8pm.

i have one episode left to watch...

... of the most amazing series i have seen in a while.

well, that was a good day!

* i talked to my boss about what happens after the film festival. he told me how happy they am that i've stepped into my role, and agreed that my fee should be upped again (probably another $2/hour or so) based on the amount of work i'm doing. i was able to dictate vacation time -- off between christmas and new year's, for hot docs, for florida and any other time i wish -- so i agreed to continue as managing editor until at least december.

* we're in a bit of a lull, work-wise, so i was able to leave on time today. i also had time to catch up with friends in the office, walk to whole foods for lunch and, best of all, WRITE. (today's assignment: five reasons you need to be watching Homeland.) though it's technically part of my job, the luxury of actually just sitting down and writing something fun during the work day is a rare thing.

* last friday, my chiropractor taped a vaccaria seed in my left ear. it's an acupuncture treatment that uses a small seed in lieu of a needle. its purpose is to stimulate an accupressure point when i press it, and that accupressure point helps relieve stress. she'd tried it in my right ear a week and a half ago, but it didn't really do much. but, ever since friday, i've felt a bit more relaxed. i've been sleeping better. whether it's a coincidence, psychosomatic or legitimately working -- who knows? but i'm happy with the result.

* the new IKEA catalogue arrived last night and, because i'm home "early" tonight, i plan on savouring it over snacks and before i continue watching Orange is the New Black, which i started last night.

i forgot my camera

no joke.

after all my plans to enjoy a relaxing weekend of photo-taking, i forgot my camera at home. i was en route to my parents' place in the 'burbs by the time i remembered. argh!

instead, YB and i had to try to teach our father how to use his new camera -- an expensive nikon with a telephoto lens (all purchased as part of a package) that is, to be honest, way too sophisticated a camera for him to use or understand. despite the fact that he never goes more than 20 feet from his recliner and spends every single day at home, indoors, he decided that, since i bought my rebel a couple of years ago, he, too, wanted a fancy new camera.

to take photos of what? george? the living room? his breakfast? it has been an ongoing source of contention -- largely because he kept browsing online for pricy, fancy cameras that will be, in the end, a colossal waste of money. nevermind that he bought a digital point-and-shoot several years ago that has essentially become an untouched paperweight with a scarcely populated memory card of photos he has no idea how to download.

so it was that, while YB and mom were away for a few days, he decided to go online and buy himself a  nikon 5200. with a telephoto lens. $1000 plus tax. my mother was so upset that she said she doesn't want to know or hear anything more about the camera. and, as predicted, dad has no clue how to use it.

he called me on tuesday and asked if i would come to teach him this past saturday. first, i had to get past the fact that he went ahead and bought this camera. i asked him why he bought such a camera when he doesn't use the one he has. i asked him what, exactly, he planned to take photos of when he doesn't actually go anywhere. and, most importantly, why he wasn't spending the week with the camera in hand and manual in his lap, reading and learning. the sum of his answers amounted to: if i want to buy a camera, i'm going to buy a camera, and if you don't want to help me, then don't help me.

*sigh*

i told him i would come, but that, in the meantime, he was to spend the week practicing. "don't just leave the camera sitting in the box until saturday," i said. "take it out, try out the buttons, get the manual and practice." he muttered that he already tried and felt that he'd done all he could do, but that he still couldn't even turn it on. i pointed out that maybe, if you can't even figure out how to turn on a device, it might mean that device is too sophisticated for you. he argued that he just needed someone to show him how to do it.

when i arrived at my parents' place on saturday, mom was away on a day trip to niagara and a peach festival. (side note: she had a lovely time.) YB was seated at the dining-room table with dad, the camera and all its accessories spread out before them. i could tell by the tone in her voice that she was likely on the fifth explanation of the exact same button. "no, we went over this," i could hear her saying. "you don't need that button."

i sat down and we tried to explain the camera... no easy feat when you've got a fancy digital display with eight thousand readings. "what does THIS do?" dad kept saying, pointing at different buttons. we would explain, he would nod ("right, okay, okay..."), and then ask again two minutes later.

and we kept showing him the big diagram of the camera and all its buttons, right at the front of the manual. "when you see a button," trixie would say slowly. "you turn to this page and you find the button on the picture. then you go to the corresponding number in the list to see what that button is. then you turn to the page beside the description to see how to use that button."

i swear, between the two of us, we must have said that to him at least a dozen times. and we were only explaining the auto functions, not any of the manual settings, buttons or features.

dad wanted to go through every page of the manual and read each one as a group. trix and i explained that a manual is not a novel, and one doesn't need to read it cover to cover, in page order. "you use it when you need to know something," YB said. besides, there was no way either one of us wanted to spend the next eight hours reading aloud.

we eventually finished after about an hour and a half. dad packed his camera into its accompanying, part-of-the-package camera bag (after YB cut off the tags and attached the strap, and i attached the camera strap to the camera), and then put it aside. i reminded him that he shouldn't be putting it away, but that he should now be putting into practice all the things we'd just taught him.

instead, he went to take a nap.

and that camera stayed in the bag for most of the weekend. he took it out momentarily to try to take a photo of "kyle's rose" in the backyard (a rose with which he is completely obsessed, btw). then he told YB and me we should use the camera to take shots of george.

"no, YOU should be using the camera," i said, my comments falling on deaf ears for the umpteenth time.

years ago, when we were growing up, dad was the family photographer. he had several cameras, multiple lenses, flashes, a tripod, the whole deal. but all his gear was more about having stuff than actually enhancing the art of photography. (note: all those film cameras are still sitting in his closet.) he doesn't follow the "less is more" approach; for him, more gear = better photos... but i've argued repeatedly that a good photographer can take amazing shots with the crappiest of cameras. you don't need a thousand accessories (especially not for the purpose of snapping four pictures of the cat or a flower in the backyard), you just need a good eye.

but, again, i'd have better luck having that conversation with my microwave or a bus-stop pole.

because, yesterday afternoon, i saw him browsing lenses online.

when, my blood pressure rising, i asked why, he started to explain that he'd heard the blah-blah-blah lens was great for... and i cut him off. i told him he should learn to use the gear he JUST bought first, and then actually USE it, before buying MORE stuff that will just sit and collect dust.

but i fully expect that stupid lens to be in his hands within a couple of weeks, and to get a call asking when i can come over to teach him how to use it.

i'm taking out my camera this weekend

all week, i've been looking forward to the weekend as a chance to de-stress.

between the new stompy neighbours, the leaky bathroom, the wait for a plumber and the ever-present job-related demands, i am mentally and physically wiped.

and, just now, i realized how i can remedy that: taking some photos!

so, that's on the agenda. not sure when, where or of what, but there you have it.

i also have eight pilot episodes for new fall shows, which i plan to watch.

and YB and i will likely resume our swimming on sunday morning. we were both under the weather last weekend and, thus, did not go.

maybe this will help...

my therapist has been out of commission since about last november and, while things have been pretty okay in the interim, the changes in my life over the past couple of months have really amplified for me how much i still need that impartial ear and guidance.

because sitting in my apartment, with my mind racing and my anxiety levels climbing, is becoming increasingly uncool.

as everyone on the planet knows, work has been stressful. a huge amount of work, a huge amount of responsibility, and no signs of any of it letting up anytime soon. my brain is fried, i'm tired all the time and my life revolves almost entirely around the office. even as i drift off to sleep, i'm thinking about what needs to be done the next morning, what didn't get finished in the day that's ended, and how much longer i want to stay on in this role.

my only solace has been coming home at the end of each day to the comparative peace and quiet of my apartment... peace and quiet that have now been thwarted by the arrival of new upstairs neighbours.

last friday, on my way out of the building in the morning, i saw the super. i asked if anyone had yet rented the unit above mine and she said, "yes. they move in today."

my heart sank. "they?"

(if you recall, the property-management company decided to turn the one-bedroom apartment above mine into a two-bedroom unit. the second "bedroom," which is actually a shoebox, is above my office/living room. the management did this so that they could double the rent for the unit.)

the super said that my new neighbours are two girls -- students at the university of toronto.

"oh no," said i.

"they're high-class girls," said the super, in a bid (i think) to reassure me. though, i have no idea what "high-class girls" means.

"i'm not worried about that," i said, "i'm worried about noise."

my super said that she's already told the girls this is a "quiet, professional building" and that they should "keep it down." i did not feel any sense of reassurance that this would actually work.

university students have spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e almost everywhere i've encountered them as neighbours. back at hell house, before all the ex-cons and crack addicts moved in, my across-the-hall neighbours were, for a while, a young brother and sister who were students and living away from home for the first time. recurrent DEAFENING music, friends coming and going at all hours of the day and night, parties... all despite repeated warnings from, and being yelled at by, the super. good times. in this building, i had the asshat next door for a while -- he of the 3am hammering! -- and more than a few elsewhere in the complex, who trashed their places, had loud parties and the like.

and let us not forget the big house next door to my building, where most of its four or five apartments have been inhabited by assorted university of toronto asshats and loud, obnoxious drunk girls for most of the six years i've lived here.

my previous super would never have put two students above me. but the new property management company (and, by proxy, the new super) would love it if my apartment were to be vacated so they can transform it to a two-bedroom, as well, and likewise jack up the rent. as such, they don't care if a herd of buffalo move in above me -- if it means i move out sooner, great!

so, ever since my previous upstairs neighbour (who was very quiet and who i only ever heard on occasion, usually when she'd clickclickclick her way to her front door in the morning to leave for work in her heels) moved out, i have lived in fear of who might take up residence upstairs. i'd prayed it would be a quiet, middle-aged woman who'd live alone and use the extra bedroom as her office. or a family of pillows.

instead, it's two university girls.

and, on friday, they moved in.

saturday was, understandably, a little noisy... but surprisingly quiet. almost as though they'd moved stuff in on friday and then went away for the weekend. i wasn't home all day yesterday and spent last night chez mes parents so, when i came home in the middle of the afternoon today, i actually ran into one of the girls in the elevator and, for the first time, got a look at what i'll be dealing with.

she was petite, maybe 5'1", and looked like a teenager. not especially "high-class," just very young. when we got on the elevator and she pressed the floor above mine, i said, "are you new in the building?"

she said she'd moved in two days ago, and i asked which unit. then i told her i was her downstairs neighbour. "oh! did you just move in, too?" she asked.

"no, i've lived here for almost seven years."

we didn't have a lot of time to chat (we weren't going up that many floors), but i introduced myself and she told me her name is cara. i got off the elevator and, as i walked to my door, i could hear her in the (carpeted!) hallway overhead, clomping to her front door above mine. the floors are cement under that carpet, btw.

that was around 3:30pm, and she and her roommate (or just her by herself?) have been thudding back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for the past six hours. they've been moving furniture, opening and closing doors, moving furniture again and, from the sounds of it, bouncing a giant yoga ball to and fro (i have no idea if that last on is what they've been doing, but it's what it SOUNDS like they've been doing).

and all it's done is send my anxiety through the roof. what if they're like all the other university students i've lived near? what if they throw a loud party? what if they keep on thudding day after day and night after night? the more i thought about it, the more panicked i felt. i started searching rental apartments in toronto. i started looking for rental houses, reasoning that i clearly can't cope with the stress of neighbours. i started recalculating down payments and mortgage payments and the like, trying to figure out what i can afford now should i choose to buy. i even started to figure out how i might manage moving in with YB if i had to.

and so on and so on and so on. i wound myself up so tightly that i didn't finish any of the work i needed to get done today. i didn't have dinner until 8 o'clock and, even then, it was a toasted baguette with butter and some juice. i keep trying to talk myself down off the anxiety ledge, because i know my mind is catastrophizing everything. my hell house PTSD is flaring up -- as it did when my first super left, and then when the building was sold, and then when they announced a condo building might be going up next door, and then when my second super left.

and i keep telling myself that, when each of those things happened, i felt the same sort of jittery panic i feel now but that, in each of those instances, my fears were somewhat unfounded. only the change in management has proven to be an ongoing challenge, but that's largely because of the non-stop construction noise in the building.

now, its choice of tenants. and, this time, the anxiety is triggered by the constant thudding and the fear of what else might come with it.

this is exactly the type of stuff i'd be going over in depth with my therapist, but she's not back for another month. and i don't want to work myself into a frenzy (or any more of a frenzy, anyway) in the meantime.

i thought maybe typing this all out in a stream of semi-consciousness way might be helpful. i put headphones on and have been listening to music... but i can still hear/feel the thudding.

and now, i think there's a leak in their bathroom/shower. the wall above my showerhead has suddenly (as in: within the last two days) started to blister, and i can hear a "drip drip" behind the wall.

f-word.