a collection of updates

storm clouds this past sunday.

* as of last friday, july 25th, i've transitioned to the "work from home, and only part-time" portion of my job. it's been odd, as i expected it would be, and it's felt strange to be knocked out of my daily routine. i'm still getting up at 6:30am, but without someplace i need to be. i'm checking in at the office via email, but it's (obviously) not the same as being there. i have a bunch of writing assignments, so that's good, but i also miss the camaraderie of the workplace. and, yes, i know it's only been two days... so hopefully i'll figure stuff out.

* yesterday, i reported for jury duty. i'd received my summons in early june, and had thought i might try to get myself excused (since i'm self-employed and only get paid if i work). but, once in the jury lounge, listening to the jury officer go over all the details of what jury duty would entail, i resigned myself to being there for the week. phil, our jury officer, basically said, "unless you're absolutely unable to serve AT ALL beyond just today, wait until you're actually selected for a trial before you ask to be excused." so, when phil was done, i found my favourite spot from 2007 – the tucked-away alcove where the lockers and the men's room are – and started reading a magazine. about 40 minutes later, phil returned to address the entire room. he told us we were dismissed for the day... and then, after a long preamble, told us we were ALL dismissed for the rest of the week! there were no jury trials scheduled to go before the courts, so our collective jury-duty service was officially COMPLETE. done in about two hours and 20 minutes! it was amazing, and the entire room erupted into cheers and applause. leaving the courthouse, i kept passing fellow jury-pool members who were just beaming.

* larry came for his first sleepover last weekend and, though he settled in nicely, he proved to be a mischief-filled rascal once the sun went down. he wandered around the condo, touching everything he shouldn't touch, and trying to get into every nook, cranny, cupboard, box or tiny space he could find. i had to watch him constantly. and, when it was bedtime, he did NOT want to be closed in the guest room by himself, so each time i closed the door he'd start YOWLING. if i had been in a house, i would have just let him do his thing until he gave up and went to sleep. but in a condo? where there are neighbours and strict noise rules? not an option. so, after 90 minutes of trying to get him to quiet down, i gave up, grabbed a blanket and pillow, and went into the guest room to keep him company and sleep on the floor ('cause there still isn't any furniture in there). once i did, he calmed right down. and i actually managed to get a couple of hours of sleep. as a result of this exercise, i think i'll be cat-sitting him at YB's house next weekend when she and mom go on a three-day road trip.

* earlier today, my father fell for a phone scam and not only gave out his credit-card info (!!!!), but also went online and gave the caller (at the caller's request) ACCESS TO THE COMPUTER. evidently, someone called claiming to be from windows support, offering some kind of upgraded security or some such... and dad took the phish bait. as soon as he got off the phone, he realized what he'd done and immediately called his credit-card company to cancel the card and report the incident. the fraud-division rep told him to unplug the computer and modem, and to have a technician evaluate it all because, you know, hi malware! hi keystroke-capture software! hi horrible nightmare! dad did all this, and then called YB... who is, as i type this, probably still over at my parents' house reinstalling the entire operating system from the (hopefully) wiped-clean hard drive. one of her friends heads the IT department where she works, so he's helping her with what needs to be done. in some ways, i actually feel bad for my dad -- it has to be embarrassing to realize you've done something EVERYONE knows not to do. thankfully, he realized it right away and before anyone went online to do any banking.

* i'm having heart palpitations daily. it's starting to freak me out a bit, but i did have dr. textbook check my heart when i went to see her a couple of weeks ago. i'm hoping it's just stress/anxiety, or a result of too much sugar... but if it continues, i expect a holter monitor may be in my future.

* it has been wonderfully cool this july, with temperatures well below seasonal. that means long pants and socks. in JULY!

when it counts

much to my surprise, and delight, i arrived at work this morning to find a box of cupcakes, a card and a note of encouragement all waiting for me on my desk. i'd sort of been dreading the day, since it was my last as (acting) managing editor, and – even though i hoped i'd be wrong – i feared it would be depressing. that no one would notice. or care.

but i was wrong.

the note was from one my friends, who'd obviously left it for me last night because she was on vacation today. it said "don't let today get you down!" and it was pasted to a funny photo of a cat leaping into the air. cute.

the card was from my boss, and i was very touched. inside was a long note, thanking me (in detail) for everything i've done over the past year, and saying that they couldn't have done it without me.

it was exactly what i needed to hear. (well, read.)

i'd spoken to my therapist earlier this week about feeling unappreciated, and she said it's actually super-common for most employees to feel that way. she said that it's rare for managers to properly thank and acknowledge their staff (in a specific way) for their work and contributions.

"i don't mean to be a pessimist," she said, "but your boss may not do anything for your last day."

she then reminded me that it's not about me, it's just about the corporate culture. and that i shouldn't take it as a sign i'm not appreciated or liked or valued.

so, finding out that she and i were both wrong was actually really nice.

when i went to find my boss to thank him later in the morning (because he'd left for meetings by the time i got in), i said i was very touched by the gesture, and told him exactly what i'd written above: that it was precisely what i needed after a difficult couple of weeks.

"well, i meant it," he said. "we really could not have done any of this without you."

then, to cap it off, one of my other friends in the department -- whom i like very much but whom i haven't seen much of in the past month -- bought me lunch and hung out to chat for an hour, which was especially nice. it gave us a chance to catch up and clear the air (there had been some weirdness after tuesday's meeting) and to just sort of sink into that fun, familiar vibe.

i asked her if she'd spoken to our boss, and whether she had a hand in the card/cupcakes, and she looked surprised.

"no!" she said. "he did that all on his own. SEE?! you ARE appreciated!"

what began with the potential to be a crappy day turned out to be a very pleasant day. it was all what i needed.

thanks, that makes me feel SWELL!

so, it's been a week and a bit of "transition" at work. namely, the woman i replaced returning, and me struggling to figure out my place. no one seems to *really* know, and – various times over the past seven work days – i've seriously wondered if anyone actually cares.

there were efforts made to help my returning colleague transition back in, but zero made to help me transition out. so, when she arrived back on the scene last monday, in almost an instant, i lost my job, my title, my responsibility, my spot on the team and my sense of place.

and no one acknowledged it.

no one said thank you, or that i'd done a good job over the past 13 months. no one said anything.

it's been difficult for me, and i've felt quite sad. partly because of the end of the job, but mainly because of everyone's seeming apathy about the fact that my term is over.

but today was the kick(inthegut)er.

earlier in the week, i'd been invited to a process meeting (along with the rest of the team) scheduled for this afternoon, to discuss how to improve some of our processes. in a weird way, being included on the invite made me feel... included. "ah, i'm not being kicked to the curb just yet! my participation is still required! i still matter!"

so, imagine how WONDERFUL i felt when, 30 seconds into the meeting and about five seconds after a two-page, step- and task-filled process document was handed out, i realized that my name was nowhere to be seen ON that document.

i was not part of the process anymore.

everyone else had tasks and duties, and the word "team" (followed by everyone else's names, but not mine, in parentheses) appeared repeatedly in the document.

but "vickie"?

nowhere.

as soon as i discovered i'd been omitted, i wanted to leave. what was the point of being there? why had i even been invited if i'm not actually going to be a PART of this process? i wanted the floor to just open up and swallow me. seeing "team" (over and over again) and not seeing my name was like being junk-punched each time it appeared.

to add insult to injury, the meeting then dragged on for 90 MINUTES. 90 minutes of me having to sit there, nodding and trying to contribute, and feeling like a completely disposable, forgettable afterthought.

finally, at the very end of the meeting, the head of our department asked if anyone had anything to add, or if any steps had been overlooked. so, i chimed in and said, "i know my name is nowhere on this entire document, but..." and then proceeded to point out the oversight of one of my core tasks (namely, proofreading), which had been left out of the process and not assigned to anyone.

i reminded everyone that perhaps i should be given that task.

"that's a good idea," came the response. how no one thought to include it, or me, is (again) disappointing.

when the meeting was finally over, i just wanted to go home. and i felt as though the only person who apparently recognizes my value is me.

a reminder

i'm posting daily over at the photo blog. :-)

better saturday

yesterday i felt veryvery low. thankfully, today was better. i spent the day out with YB and mom.

we started with a delicious summerlicious lunch at oliver & bonacini, then spent the afternoon out shopping. none of us bought anything of note – i picked up a half-dozen pairs of socks for $6 at a humungous warehouse store (?) called "brands gone wild" – but we enjoyed the meandering through malls and shops. and i almost bought a $149 TV for the guest room/office.

when we were done, we went back to YB's place and cuddled with larry for a while. i'm looking forward to having him stay with me (which will happen sometime in august when YB goes away for a few days).

in other news, i've booked an appointment with my doctor to have my thyroid and hormone levels checked -- something is clearly off, which may explain why i haven't slept properly in going-on-two-months-now. i stopped taking the melatonin after a horrible nightmare, and because i'd read that it can suppress thyroid function... making symptoms worse for hypos like me.

so, tuesday, i'll get that checked... along with the weird chest/back tightness i've been having, and the heart palpitations, and my iffy appetite. my boss thinks it's all stress, and i kind of agree, but i'd feel better having the doctor tell me so after testing everything.

in the meantime, i'm hoping to sleep well tonight. a hot shower, fresh pyjamas and Contagion are up next tonight; many loads of laundry back at my parents' house tomorrow.

some days

there are some days when i feel profoundly, achingly lonely.

there's a pressure in my chest, and tears rise at random, and all i wish is that someone would hold me for a while and tell me that i matter, that i mean something, that everything will be fine.

or even that someone, anyone, would just hug me.

today was one of those days.

and i realized, once again, how desperately starved for human contact i am.

transition lens

remember june 2013? when i first started this managing-editor gig? it seems like forever ago, and yet now, 13 months later, it's drawing to a close. and i'm surprised at how much i don't want it to be over. i feel sad, and panicky, and weirdly disconnected.

it feels as though i'm being laid off, even though i'm not. in some ways, it's actually worse than being laid off, because i'll still be part of the team... but i will no longer be invited to the meetings i've attended every week for the last 50+ weeks. i will no longer be running things or liaising with the clients or making decisions – i'll be on the outside, hoping for assignments. worse, while i'm there, i'll be watching someone else do what feels like my job.

lately, being at the office feels strangely like the last few days of summer camp, when you know it's ending and you're scrambling to spend as much time as possible with your friends, doing fun things, because soon things will change. only, it's just me – camp is only ending for me, not anyone else. i catch myself being annoyingly clingy; spending time alone, at my condo, makes me oddly anxious in an "omg, i need to talk to someone and hang out and feel connected to people" way. 

i talked to my therapist about it, and she acknowledged that this job shift is actually a considerable loss for me -- as in, it brings about feelings of profound loss, even though it's not technically a profound loss. and she's right, but no one except me seems to get that. people keep saying, "but you'll still be here, right?", in a way that suggests they don't understand what i'm feeling.

yes, i'll still be at the office. but not every day. and not (at this point) with any clear sense of what i'll be doing, how often or for how long. i actually wonder if i'm supposed to make those plans instead of waiting for someone else to come up with a workload for me.

regardless, i'm having a tougher time than i ever thought i would letting go of a job that, for a long while, i really didn't enjoy. but i've grown to enjoy it. and to enjoy my colleagues. and to love the relationships i developed with the freelancers (many of whom have expressed their sadness that i won't be working directly with them anymore, which is very sweet).

i have two days left, and then i pass (back) the torch. and i really want to start seeing this as a change for the better, instead of a dread-inducing shift backwards.

pulling on the thread

it's been a few weeks of painting and reno work at the condo. well, a few weekends, and then today – canada day – as well. even though stuff is getting done, it still feels like there's so much left to finish. and with every new project comes the discovery of something else that will require tending to.

for example, the guest bathroom. that room is turning into a never-ending series of fix-it jobs and heavy sighs. first, the ledge above the toilet was sawed off. then every inch of all the walls was sanded, by hand, by me. then it was primed. then painted. then taped off and painted again.

the sink faucet and the light fixture should be replaced, but i can't be bothered at this point. they'll do for now. the toilet is original to construction and should also probably be replaced, along with the faucet in the shower. the shower stall itself has cracks and gaps, and i try not to keep myself awake at night worrying about exactly how much water has crept between the walls over the past 25 years.

a couple of days after we'd finished painting the guest bathroom, i noticed the paint along the edge of the shower was blistering. sure enough, on the other side of the wall (inside the shower), there was a big crack.

since a bathroom reno is not in the cards (or the budget) for quite a few years yet, i decided to put on a band-aid. i had a tube of caulking and a profound desire to plug the crack, so i let the bathroom dry out completely for a couple of days (i showered chez YB and my parents), then set about caulking.

and with every crack i sealed, i found a new one. so i'd seal that, and find another. for the love of mary, did violet or her kids NEVER fix ANYTHING???

then, i made the mistake of getting down on my knees in the shower stall and peering under the marble ledge on which the sliding glass doors sit. below the ledge, there was no caulking at all. nothing. just a 1/3" OPEN GAP TO NOWHERE.

omg.

immediately, my mind raced through every home-renovation show i've ever seen, and all the times i've watched homeowners and show hosts crack open bathroom walls to reveal black mould. no doubt, a ton of water had crept through that big, open gap (which runs the length of the shower doors) for more than two decades.

so, i filled it. i pumped a ton of caulking in until everything was sealed shut. thankfully (?), because of the cracks on the exterior of the shower, i know air can still get in there to keep drying it out a bit. in a week or so, i'll probably caulk the outside. then, whatever's growing in there can keep on growing. or die. or whatever. i don't want to think about it. i also don't want to think about that odd discolouration in the floor-tile grout next to the toilet... the one that comes and goes. i'm really hoping that tightening the toilet bolts (which weren't tight) will make whatever moisture has apparently been ever-so-slowly creeping out, you know, stop creeping.

i don't want to think about those things because there are at least three dozen other things that need to be addressed first, and i'm trying to stay the course. because turning my attention to every new problem that springs up prevents me from moving forward. i pull on the proverbial thread... and then wind up pulling and pulling and pulling... then pulling more... and, before i know it, i'm eye-deep in an enormous tangle of metaphorical yarn.

it's something i need to work on. the thread-pulling. both in terms of the condo and the rest of my life.

the photo blog...

... is up and running again. :-)

i need to find my battery charger...

... because i need to charge a bunch of batteries for my point-and-shoot camera.

because i think i'm going to revive the 365 photo blog.

this concludes today's news.

also, it is raining and very humid.

and Big Brother starts tonight.

fin.

cupcakes and tears

it was a somewhat blue birthday. after having had a couple of good-birthday years, i found myself revisiting old territory today -- just feeling down, and forgotten.

it's my own fault. i had, against my better judgment and despite a wealth of experience that you'd think would have taught me otherwise, built up expectations for the day.

and, of course, what i hoped/expected would happen... didn't. as a result, i felt sad and disappointed most of the day. it's a lesson i seem incapable of learning and retaining: better to expect nothing and to be pleasantly surprised if you get something, than to hope for something and feel disappointed when you get nothing.

many people asked me what i'd be doing tonight, after work, to celebrate. "going home?" was my answer. i had no plans. despite many people saying they hoped i'd have an amazing day, i received not a single offer or invite to do anything or go anywhere or celebrate in any way. and planning my own celebration just feels/felt a little pathetic. same goes for taking myself out for a birthday dinner: too depressing.

so, a friend of mine (who did a lot to celebrate me today) drove me home after work and i gave her a tour of the condo (my unit and the building). then i walked to the grocery store and bought myself some sandwich fixins. mom called to see how my day was, so we chatted for a bit. and now i'm getting ready to shower and change for bed.

i will kick myself if i start crying as i try to fall asleep.

feh. i thought i was past things like this but, evidently, not so much. here's to a brighter tomorrow!

pre-birthday brief

* i have been feeling unusually blue and melancholy of late. i blame a number of things: the impending end of my job (the mat-leave coverage ends on july 7th), almost three weeks of poor sleep (averaging about five hours a night) and my upcoming birthday (which is always a time of reflection and introspection). i've felt near tears many days, and actually started crying while seeing my chiropractor a week and a half ago. i hate feeling like this, and it's part of the reason i haven't blogged in weeks.

* the condo continues to inch along. i still feel like i've got an epic to-do list, and that i'm chipping away SOOOOO slowly at an enormous mountain of stuff that needs to be fixed, replaced, painted, purchased or found.

* living here has been fine, save for the condo corporation's seeming inability to correctly withdraw the monthly maintenance fees from my bank account. first, they double-billed me for april, then didn't withdraw them at all for june. i actually called the office to point out the error, and to say it's doesn't really instil in me much confidence in their accounting department. they apologized profusely, but if things continue to be mishandled, i'll revert to post-dated cheques. otherwise, i love the neighbourhood, and i love my walks home at the end of the work day -- so peaceful.

* i've been called for jury duty. again. it's not until late july, so i'm hoping that the lazy, hazy days of summer mean fewer trials and a reduced need for jury members. (if you recall, i was previously called previously called in the fall of 2007.)

* the above photo is the view of the bedrooms from my foyer, in evening light. there are more colours to come in more rooms (i'm considering orange highlights in the kitchen), but this view makes me happy. :-)

another one bites the dust

today at the office, we were told that the business magazine for which i'm the managing editor will be no more, effective immediately. we'll finish our current issue and then... that's it.

this is bad news for a number of reasons.

1. i really loved working on this magazine.

2. this managing-editor gig was meant to help keep me gainfully employed for the foreseeable future.

after the head of our department made the announcement, my boss called me in to his office and said they plan to give me "as much work as possible" to make up the deficit, and that i'm his #1 go-to person for any new business that comes in. so, that's good.

and i have my current gig (the mat-leave coverage) until about july 20th, so there's still income to be had for a while.

a little homesick

today, as YB and i stripped wallpaper in the condo, and i later set about cleaning a bunch of stuff that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in 25 years, i started to feel a bit homesick.

then, tonight, i finally looked at all the photos i took on my last day in my apartment. i hadn't looked at them since the day i took them. hadn't even downloaded them to my computer. but i did that today.

and, as i looked through the images, i felt a little sad. a little homesick. most days, i don't really miss my old place in any kind of meaningful way -- i'll sometimes miss the shorter commute to work or downtown, or miss the walk along yonge to the office, but not in any kind of pangs-for-the-way-things-once-were kind of way.

until today.

i look at the photo above, taken after the movers had carted away all my stuff, when it was just me and the empty space left, and i see my view. my wall of windows. my parquet floors with their loose pieces. the weird thing in the corner next to the radiator that didn't actually work. and i miss it all.

it'll pass, i know. and i'm sure looking at the photos just made the feelings more pronounced. and i'm certain the fact that i'm still eye-deep in work that needs to be done at the condo amplifies the sense of longing for a space that was DONE.

but look at that view. man.

how work is going

in the comments section for my previous entry, lou gave me some ideas of stuff to write about and on which to catch you up. so, i'll start with work.

it's been fine. i'm now 10 1/2 months into the one-year mat leave, and the woman i've been replacing returns on july 7th. my boss says there will likely be a two-week-or-so transition period when we're both in the office full-time and then, after that, no one seems to know.

i feel like i've accomplished a lot in the time that i've been in this position. i've completely retooled and refined the workflow process, i've developed a great relationship with our clients, i've learned more than i thought i ever could about our company's products and services, and i think i've become a respected member of the department.

and i actually really like going in to work every day. having a full-time job, though it has cramped my press-screening style, has been great for my emotional and psychological well-being. i like the people with whom i work (even the ones who sometimes drive me nuts), and i love the feeling of being part of a community.

which is why i'm scared of what july might bring. namely: that i won't be going in to the office full-time anymore, that i won't see my friends every day, and that a return to working from home – after this VERY very long stretch of full-time work – will be difficult. i continue to hope that the woman i'm replacing decides not to return. there are still seven weeks left for that to happen. there's no new business on the horizon at the moment, so no new projects that might need me aboard.

fingers crossed.

holy poop -- i didn't post ANYTHING in april 2014!

not a single entry.

that is SAD.

but, under the circumstances, not surprising.

i hope to get back on the blogging bandwagon (the blandwagon?) soon.

MOVED!

i have no desk yet, and my condo is packed with boxes and chaos, so i haven't had time (or space) to blog about the move.

but it's done.

and now i'm in my new home.

:-)

more later!

easy come...

last week, we found out the retail magazine for which i was entertainment editor has been axed. after one issue and months of negotiations, it imploded. so, that was the end of that.

today, i found out that i've been turfed by the entertainment magazine for which i've been writing for the past three years. the new editor, whom i never liked and who (i suspect) has wanted to phase me out  from the get-go, called me to say that she'll be absorbing my monthly column. so that's the end of that.

and i just bought a condo.

urf.

the next three months will be fine, because i'm on the mat-leave gig until the end of june. after that, though... ???

oh! i forgot one key sign from the universe...

the previous owner of my condo was named violet.

her nickname, though, and the name by which other residents called her?

val.

no joke.

condo update!

* i'm exhausted. i haven't slept properly in days, my neck locked on thursday night, i threw my back out on friday night and i've been eating crap... when i have an appetite. i'm still all nerves, all the time, and i don't know that it'll settle until i've moved.

* work on the condo has been slow. it feels like a mountain of stuff that needs to be done, and i'm moving it one pebble at a time. i tried to remove the painted-popcorn ceiling myself, but gave up 2/3 of the way through my first room. i've hired a pro plasterer to finish the rest of the ceilings. he starts on tuesday, and should be done next weekend (including painting the ceilings).

* in related news, i've gone from saying, "i want everything done before i move in!" to "as long as the ceilings are done, i'll be happy."

* mom and trix have been TREMENDOUS in terms of helping out. they're the only ones pitching in, so without them i'd be completely lost. i'll admit that i'm a little bummed none of my friends here have offered a hand. on the upside: i know the ones who live far away would all be picking up paint brushes, shuttling boxes or unscrewing stubborn doors with me if they were here :-).

* today, i met my other-side next-door neighbours. they are LOVELY! a couple, probably in their late-60s, who moved in two years ago. (you'll recall my former arch-nemesis lives on one side of me.) they were very welcoming and warm, and told me all about their kitchen reno. when i apologized in advance for any noise they might hear while the plasterers work, they said, "no problem! don't worry about it." they told me it's a great building, which is the refrain i've heard from everyone i've met there so far.