vickie's home hunt - day one: it begins

for a moment, i thought about starting a whole new blog dedicated solely to my search for a home. it could be like the anti-Hell House Nightmares blog. but then i figured: it would likely wind up one more neglected space on the internet, and would result in me trying to double-blog.

so, i'm going to write about it here. for now.

and, today, the search officially gets underway. i'm meeting with my amazing real-estate agent at 10:30am. we'll have an intensive Home Buying 101 refresher course (it's been six years since i last browsed the market in any kind of serious capacity), review my finances (turns out, i can afford more than i thought... comfortably) and then head out to see five properties.

all the places today are condos, and all are in the north suburbs. i have zero interest in living downtown, so condominiums in the core of the city -- of which there are, quite literally, tens of thousands -- are not, and won't ever be, on the to-see list. i'd love to live where i live now, but this is an EXTREMELY expensive neighbourhood. the condos a block away *start* at almost $1 million... and that's for the bachelor unit next to the garbage bay.

four of the condos today are more than 1000 square feet. all have two bedrooms. all also have their own dedicated laundry rooms (about 5' x 8'). but they're in older high-rise buildings and, despite a very-affordable-for-that-kind-of-massive-space purchase price (and evidently motivated sellers), their condo fees are quite high. and the complexes are very, very large. and they have forced-air heat. and i don't know that i want to live anywhere where i'm going to wake up every day worried that someone in the building has bed bugs that might have crawled through the ductwork to my place under cover of night.

my mom is all for these particular units because they're gigantic and have killer views and did i mention, gigantic? plus, they're a 20-minute walk from my parents' house in one direction, and a 20-minute walk to YB's house in the other. but there's a tiny voice in the back of my brain saying, "this might not be the right option for you..." when i think of this particular complex.

the fifth place is a pricier -- and smaller (by about 350 square feet) -- one bedroom + den in a better neighbourhood. but it's not handy to the subway, so i'd be at the mercy of the bus system.

more and more, i am leaning towards purchasing a house. not a big house -- two bedrooms would be more than fine -- but a detached home that would be all mine and would not share walls or roofing with anyone else's home. in toronto, even the tiniest detached houses in decent neighbourhoods start around $450K, which is way too much for me. the tiny toronto houses i *can* afford are in neighbourhoods where i'd be afraid to walk home alone at night... so, they're out.

but if i look north of the city (newmarket) or west of the city (mimico), suddenly i have options. i would be trading my current, heavenly commute -- namely, that i can walk to work in 40 minutes, and to the center of the city in about the same -- for affordability, and it's a trade-off i'm considering. i could afford a three-bedroom detached house with an in-ground pool if i wanted one. [note: as nice as it sounds in theory, i do not want to own an in-ground pool.] i could have two storeys and a yard. of course, it would take me more than an hour to get to the office, but still. it's food for thought.

and i suspect i'll be gnawing on it all for a while.

in the meantime, for today, i have packed my notebook and camera and open mind. i have no idea where this Big Fat Journey will ultimately end up, but i'm looking forward to finding out.

making the call

earlier today, for the first time in my life, i called the police.

i've always assumed that my inaugural call to the authorities would be to complain about noise or a psychotic neighbour or an accident, but no. turns out, my first ever call to police was because an old man needed help.

i was heading to the post office and library, and i came upon a clearly disoriented elderly man at a major intersection. he was standing on one corner opposite me, sort of talking to himself and waving his arms, and folks were giving him a very w-i-d-e berth when passing.

thing is, he didn't look homeless. as i approached, i saw that the bridge of his nose was bruised and bloodied, as though maybe he'd fallen and hit his face. he was dressed normally -- golf shirt, shorts, visor -- but was obviously not aware of his surroundings. i felt like i should help him, but wasn't sure what to do... and, like so many others, i hoped someone else would step in.

no one did. instead, this man began crossing the intersection and then stopped right in the middle of the street. a young guy hurrying past him told him, "the light just changed!", but didn't actually help the old man to the curb. instead, much to my horror, the elderly man just stood there, IN TRAFFIC. others around me craned their necks to see, but i didn't notice anyone whip out a cell phone to call for help.

the elderly man made it safely to the other side of the street (thankfully, the oncoming cars stopped to let him finish crossing) and there were a few folks standing near him. surely, i thought, one of them has a cell phone and will call police to have them come help him. the man might have wandered away from a nursing home, or might have been out for a walk (he also had a black cloth shopping bag with him) and become confused. either way, surely someone would do something.

by now, i was kitty corner to where he was, and i continued on to finish my errands.

but when i came back to the intersection 10 minutes later, he was still there. still talking to himself. still criss-crossing through the intersection dangerously slowly.

so, i went for help.

because i don't have a cell phone, i went into one of the nearby office buildings and headed to the security desk. i explained the situation to the (thankfully) very concerned security guard. even though the elderly man was on an opposite corner a block away, and out of this guard's jurisdiction, he came outside to get a look at him, then said i could call police from his desk phone.

and that's what i did. i was wary of calling 911, since it wasn't an emergency, per se, so i called the main police-inquiry line. i figured if, after hearing my story, they deemed it an emergency, they could be the ones to connect me to 911.

funnily enough, as i waited for someone to answer, i also wondered if whomever answered would think this was unworthy of police intervention. but then i remembered how many times over the years i've seen "missing senior" alerts on the news, and how it's always been the police who have handled the matter.

after about seven seconds, a very nice woman answered the phone. she agreed this was a potentially dangerous situation for this man, so she took down the location and all the info i had on him (i made sure to note everything he had on, and which direction i'd last seen him walking, before going into the building to call), then asked for my first name.

"thank you, vickie," she said, "we'll have a car there as soon as we can to check it out."

i thanked her and said i hoped the elderly man would still be in the vicinity when they arrived.

and that was that.

the security guard thanked me for my concern, and said he's never had anyone come to his desk to do something like that before. i told him i just did what i would hope someone else would do for my parent or grandparent if they were spotted walking into traffic.

when i left and carried on towards home, i looked to see if the man was still around. it took me a few seconds to spot him, but i did -- he'd wandered about another half block south. i went back inside to the security guard and updated him on the man's location, just in case police came inside to ask him what had happened or where the guy had gone (i'd told the operator where i was calling from when i spoke to her).

then i went home. part of me feels like i should have chased after the man and stayed with him, but i didn't. i only hope the police arrived soon after and that they took him back to wherever it was he needed to be, or that some other good samaritan along the way felt the same way i did and also stepped in to do his or her good deed for the day. i want to believe someone would and did.

5 quickies

* my apartment building was sold to a new property management company. after a night of worry (what if they ruin the building? what if they turn it into hell house v.2.0? what if everyone i like moves out and i'm stuck here with nightmare neighbours???), i decided it's time for me to buy a home. to take control of my living quarters. not to think about doing it in a few years, but to get the ball rolling. now. so, i emailed my real estate agent and we're arranging an official sit-down.

* in related news, i think i might have found a great condo building with massive units. it's an older property, but it's in a good location. i'd have my OWN LAUNDRY! in its own LAUNDRY ROOM! (not tucked in a closet or planted in the kitchen!)

* YB has not adopted any cats. my mother has declared she's not going to even LOOK at cats anytime soon. seems our weekend visit to toronto animal services -- and subsequent cat therapy with a young mother cat and her five kittens -- proved too much her. and YB is realizing how hard it is to make this kind of decision.

* in related news, *i* actually started seriously considering adopting a couple of those siblings. or just a cat or two, in general. i had a lengthy discussion with my therapist about it and why i keep talking myself out of it. though, if i do plan to move within the next year, it might be better to wait until i'm settled in a new place.

* it's been ridiculously hot in toronto for the past few days. it's cooler tonight and will be comparatively cool tomorrow... before it gets hot again on the weekend.

office vignette: distracted driving

the other day, my editor and i were going up a central set of stairs in our office building. as we ascended, a stunningly beautiful woman began to come down the stairs and passed us. i wondered who she was, and i wondered if my editor knew.

when we reached the landing at the top of the staircase, my editor whispered, "wow."

i thought, "ah, he noticed her, too!", but decided to play dumb.

"what?" said i, as we continued walking to our department.

"he's lost about 35 pounds and he looks phenomenal."

wait. what?

"who has?"

"that guy on the web team."

huh? i wondered if this was a weird non sequitur or if i had clearly missed something.

"who? the guy who worked on our father's day project?"

"yeah. he looks amazing."

"did we pass him or something?" i said.

"yes! didn't you see him? he was standing by the kitchen when we came up."

"he was?"

"yes," said my editor -- who's gay and who knows i am, too -- with a laugh.

"oh! i didn't even see him! i was totally distracted by that beautiful woman we passed on the stairs!"

my editor paused. "there was a woman on the stairs?"

fin.

a round on me

* today, one of the magazines at the publishing company launched its iPad app and, to celebrate, hosted a candy buffet! there was SO MUCH CANDY. a bunch of us gathered to enjoy it and to make repeated return visits to the enormous bowls full of candy (jelly bellies, M&Ms, pearson's mints, wine gums, sour keys and red licorice!) until we'd filled our cupboards (and stomachs) with enough to last a lifetime. or, at least, until next wednesday. mmmmm, free candy!

* both mom and YB are thinking about adopting cats. in mom's case, and especially now that my visiting aunt (read: a distraction) has left, the house feels empty and she misses the constant company kyle provided. she wants to wait until after my father's radiation treatments are done, though… or, at least until they've settled into a routine with it. for trix, it's the need for a pet (she would go for "cat therapy" chez mes parents, but can no longer do that) and the desire to perhaps discourage wayward mice from taking up residence behind her walls or in her attic. she's heard tiny scratching sounds of late, and i think that's amped up her desire to have a four-legged friend padding around her pad before autumn hits. oh, and she says she'd actually get two so they wouldn't be lonely during the say while she's at work. two cats! :-D

* it continues to be hot in toronto, though we did have a few days of much more moderate, breathable, livable weather, which was very nice. today, though, the heat has returned and, with it, my after-work loitering at the office. i'll likely be here until about 7pm today, and then i'll walk home so that i don't get into my apartment until closer to 8, when the sun is already lower in the sky and isn't baking my north-facing windows so much. on the upside, being at work late means i stay cool for a few more hours; on the downside, it means i get home more much later than normal… so, it'll probably be cereal for dinner tonight.

* unless i stop at whole foods on the way home and pick up something easily portable and heatable there. but whole foods isn't cheap, and i'm not sure i want to carry a container of spillable food for 20 minutes. going uphill. the waffling continues.

* yesterday, i did seven phone interviews in a row. one right after another. it was for a testimonials-based story, and i was chatting with many seniors who'd all gone on the same cruise. initially, i thought the day would be an absolute nightmare (based on what the client wanted me to mine from these folks for the piece), but it turned out really well. everyone was very chatty, even the ones i'd feared would be monosyllabic and uncooperative. now, of course, i have to transcribe all these interviews, which is not an easy or speedy process. i am procrastinating as i type.

* i have found a new writer whose work i enjoy tremendously. well, she's not new to the world or anything, but i've just newly found out about her. her name is sloane crosley, and she writes hugely witty, smart and clever essays that make me want to be a better, wittier, smarter and more clever writer. plus, her first book is called I Was Told There'd Be Cake… so, you know. sold.

* Big Brother starts tonight! and, thus, for the next 14 weeks or so, i will spend sunday, wednesday and thursday nights with julie chen and company. bring on the slop pass! in related TV news, i have started watching The Big C and like it very much.

* facebook has, once again, become a source of frustration for me. more and more, i find my FB friends are using the site almost exclusively for repeated marketing messages, and are confusing "friend" with "fan" or "client." in my opinion, if you have a business or a project or an event, create a page or group for it, let your friends know, let those who are interested join, and then direct all your online marketing to THAT page and its members. not your friend list. a few messages are fine. daily reminders? exhausting and annoying and cause to embrace the "hide" function. i'm pretty sure the CEO of sears isn't regaling his personal contact list with announcements about appliance sales or discounts on towels, and i can almost guarantee the president of ford isn't inundating his college buddies and grandkids with status updates detailing new leasing options for the fusion. working for the business magazine, i've learned a lot about how best to maximize social media as a marketing tool, and having your friends (on FB, twitter or wherever) turn you off completely because you've buried them in self-promotion, advertising or pleas for cash is not the way to go. smart businesses follow the 1-in-10 rule: for every marketing message you put out, you need to engage your followers with 10 non-marketing messages. not the other way around. and i would think that goes doubly when it comes to your friends. /end of rant.

burying the lead

at about 8:45am this past monday, my phone rang. since it was a holiday in toronto, and since i'd just seen everyone in my family the night before, i found this pre-9am ringing curious. "who'd be calling me at this time?"

i picked up the phone and it was my father. super. he rarely calls (thank goodness), and certainly not this early in the day, so this was odd.

after he'd identified himself, he paused. then he said, rather solemnly, "there's been an emergency."

immediately, my heart raced -- what had happened?!?! had mom fallen or had a heart attack??? did something happen to trixie??? had my visiting aunt choked on a cookie??

quickly, and slightly panicked, i said, "what happened????"

"well..." he began, and then paused again. why? because he's been self-medicating with tranquilizers and anti-depressants since his cancer diagnosis, so his reaction time is now only slightly quicker than that of a napping sloth and his brain processes ingoing and outgoing information very s-l-o-w-l-y.

"WHAT IS IT?! JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!!!" i shouted.

"tony had a heart attack."

huh?

WTF?

"tony WHO?" i asked, feeling my blood pressure slowly returning to normal.

he went on to explain that it was a cousin of mine -- the one who'd gotten married the weekend before. blah blah blah. and then he said, "so, i just thought you should know your aunt's staying with us for a few more days."

THAT'S IT?!?!?!

"so, trixie's fine and mom is fine and that's all you called to tell me?" i said, trying to swallow my frustration.

"yeah, that's it," he said.

i told him perhaps he should have OPENED with "your aunt is staying with us for a few more days" and then proceeded to the heart-attack story. geez.

updates: volume two!

* it has been exceedingly hot in toronto this past week, as it has been in much of north america. i know there are people who enjoy this weather, but i would be willing to bet almost everything i own that those same people ALL have air conditioning. that is, they love the heat to an extent and because they can choose to escape it if needed, but wouldn't actually want to live in it for any longer than tolerable. no un-air-conditioned person i know enjoys temperatures in the 90s and low-100s. not a one. why? because we all know what it means to have no choice but to exist, night and day, in that kind of heat. to sweat just because you're breathing. to have hot toothpaste and hot shampoo and hot floors. to eat only cold meals -- nothing boiled or baked or toasted. to sleep spread-eagled, not moving. to watch TV with your feet in buckets of cold water. i've lived without air conditioning for the past 13 summers, so i've grown used to it and have learned how to cope. but i still hate it and long for autumn and winter.

 * due to the heat, i will likely forgo the annual outdoor art exhibition downtown. it doesn't open until 10:30am daily and, by that time, the sun is already baking the city.

 * last night, i had an odd dream about jillian michaels. for the uninitiated, she's the fairly-newly-out-but-long-known-to-be lesbian fitness guru most recently seen as a loud, maniacal trainer on TV's The Biggest Loser. i've always found JM to be super-hot in kind of a terrifying way (you know, because she is always screaming but still gorgeous), but this was her inaugural appearance in my subconscious. in the dream, she was a designer and she was redecorating my bedroom (not a metaphor) for a TV show. the bedroom in question was not my bedroom in my waking life but, instead, this enormous space filled with the ugliest colours and patterns and upholstery and linens. everything was loud and mismatched, which a very calm and very sweet jillian kept pointing out to me. as she explained the design makeover she had in mind, i remember thinking how incredibly lovely she seemed -- nothing at all like the shrieking crazy lady audiences had come to know. i also remember thinking, "if she didn't have a partner, i might have a shot." we were getting along really well, she was funny and smart, and we wound up sitting on the massive (like, double-king) bed talking about her life. then i woke up… and wondered what it all meant.

 * much to my delight, esthero has returned from oblivion and is releasing new music. i've played her first, and best, CD -- released waaaay back in 1998 -- at least several thousand times over the years.

* mr. poo's ashes arrived. they came in a teeny, adorable urn with a certificate of cremation and a really moving condolence card from the pet hospital. for now, the urn and its contents are still in their box, tucked away in a cupboard with some of kyle's other things, because none of us are ready to have them on display yet. it's still brings up sad memories of our velvety little buddy's last few days. in time, though, my parents will move the urn to a special spot somewhere.

* a while ago, my friend lou wrote about finding the meaning in one's life and one's days. right now, i'm having some trouble finding the meaning in what i'm doing with mine. not to say, at all, that i find my life meaningless, but i am struggling to feel fulfilled at the end of each day. it's part of the reason i stopped the photo blog and left this blog sporadically attended-to for so long -- i was wondering why i was keeping up either, and whether i was actually getting anything out of them anymore or if posting had become a duty rather than a form of creative expression. i'm still not sure. i'm just feeling like i'm not really getting as much out of my days -- or my life -- as i could, and i'm trying to figure out how to remedy that.

* in antithetical-to-finding-meaning news: Big Brother starts in one week. and my summer evenings will once again involve words like veto, slop and HoH. the news that four of the houseguests will be power players from seasons past fills me with anticipation and dread.

 * work has been going well, though it's been fairly quiet at the office. i've been doing more editing and freelancer management in recent weeks, which is fine. i've written a bunch, too, but nothing that's been super-exciting. i did get to write two articles for the august issue of the entertainment magazine, which my bank account appreciated. actually, i'm on track to have an excellent 2012, income-wise… which is good, because the idea of purchasing my own home (be it a condo or house) is still in my head as a goal for 2013 or 2014.

* today's photo was taken on may 1st. it's a small café table shot through a waterfall.

updates: volume one!

* my birthday road trip with YB was delightful… despite the fact that she came down with a nasty cold the day before we left and we actually came thisclose to cancelling the trip as a result. but she was a trooper and did all the driving even though she had a killer sore throat (first two days) and a totally congested head (last two days). we ate lots of junk, scored a number of deals ($3 shirts! $1 socks! $15 shoes!) and, thankfully, did not find any bed bugs when we thoroughly tossed the hotel rooms upon check-in. [honestly, it amazes me that anyone would check in to a hotel and not give the beds a once-over before climbing in. in this day and age, that's just foolish.]

* at our first hotel, which was advertised as a smoke-free facility, we encountered cigarette smoke coming in under our door both nights of our stay. after extended (and futile) back and forths with the front desk, and after filling out an automated "how was your stay?" survey a few days after we got home, i was actually contacted via email by the general manager… who informed me that, despite their "policy," they can't actually do anything to a guest who's found smoking. "we can only politely ask them to stop," she wrote, "and some of them just refuse." when i replied to her message, i asked what the point of having ANY policy is if there are no actual consequences that might encourage guests to actually follow the rules. she had no response, but emailed back to say she hopes we'll consider staying at that hotel on our next visit to cleveland. meh.

* my father has been diagnosed with cancer. again. this time, it's his prostate. it's not serious, though he now has to undergo radiation treatment: five days a week for the next eight weeks. i mention this not because i'm at all concerned about my dad -- he's done nothing at all to improve his health or even follow his doctors' most basic instructions (evidently, "drink water" and "get out of your recliner" are simply too difficult and taxing for him), so i have zero sympathy for him -- but because it means my mother will spend the next two months shuttling him back and forth to his treatment. monday to friday. 40 appointments, not including follow-ups and the like. and i am already fuming that he is not thanking her every waking second.

* instead of thanking her every waking second, he's complaining. and i am ASTOUNDED at his complete lack of perspective and gratitude. did i mention my parents have been hosting my visiting aunt (my dad's sister) on and off for the past two weeks? she's in town from arizona and has been staying with assorted relatives -- a few days here, a few days there -- since mid-june. of course, when i say my parents have been hosting her, what i really mean is that my mother has been hosting her and my dad (her brother!) has been sitting on his ass in his recliner. complaining. about everything. my aunt says she's having a great time with my mother… and she says it in such a pointed way that her subtext might as well be actual text: "but your father is an asshat."

* i was somewhat surprised by how many friends of mine either forgot about, or chose to ignore, my birthday this year. i'm not saying i wanted a pony and balloons and a fireworks show, but there were a few people who didn't acknowledge it at all. no card, no phone call, no email, no facebook message… nothing. at first i thought it might have been because so many folks knew i would be away over the weekend, and had maybe decided to withhold greetings until they knew i was home, so i held out hope that maybe i'd get belated birthday wishes upon my return. nope! after a lengthy discussion about this with my therapist today, i feel better about things and have my own sense of gratitude back.

* as some of you may have realized, i have abandoned the photo blog. posting photos and then having no one actually visit the blog -- despite linking to it elsewhere -- was discouraging. after a while, the whole thing felt pointless. i would get maybe four or five hits per week, and they were usually my own visits. i'd started that blog as a way to kick start my creativity and to see whether i'd be able to maintain it for 365 days. turns out, yep, i could! every day for a year (actually, a year and several months), i took a photo. i proved to myself i could do it. no need to keep proving it to myself over and over again. so, the image above is one of several remaining daily shots that i'll be burning off. i took that one on may 6th.

yep, hang on a second...

i've had lots to write about. i've also been feeling apathetic about writing. or i've been tired. or i've been away. or it's just been too effing hot. lots of reasons. pick the one you like best.

but i do have a big pile of updates. hopefully, i'll post them tomorrow. it'll be a slow day at the office, so maybe i'll do it there. in the air conditioning.

in the meantime, i leave you with this belated photo from the june 21st office "party" (read: afternoon snacks) to celebrate those of us with birthdays in late june:

musical interlude

how had i not heard of this group until now?!

FrapLap™ 2012

one of trixie's favourite junk-food items in the states is the mcdonald's mccafé caramel frappé. she LURVES them, and having one was tops on her "what i want to do in america" list during our recent sojurn south of the border.

on our second day in the U.S., her wish came true. we'd spotted a mcdonald's (right next to a whole foods!) and decided to pull in for some icy cool -- and delicious -- refreshment. i'd had my eye on mcd's frozen strawberry lemonade, which i'd first seen (but never had) back when mom and i were in florida. it looked like a swirly tropical delight, so that's what i wanted.

we ordered our beverages and a medium fries (so we'd have something salty to balance the sweet), then sat in one the franchise's brand new booths. we each took a sip of our respective frozen concoctions and promptly "MMmMMmmmmmm"-ed with glee. SO GOOD!

YB's favorite part of the caramel frappé is the whipped cream and caramel topping so, as she drank, she took off the rounded cup lid and started eating it with her straw.

we sat and ate and drank for a bit, and then we ran out of fries. after about three seconds of deliberation, we decided to get a second order because we each still had about 1/2 a cup of chilled goodness left to drink. "i'll get them," trix said, and headed back to the cashier.

she returned a few moments later with a small bag of fries, which she placed on the table between us. then, as she reached towards the bag to empty the fries, she accidentally connected with her unlidded cup of caramel frappé and sent its contents spilling into her lap.

i'm not exaggerating when i say i don't think i've ever seen a more horrified look on YB's face.

the whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion, yet we were powerless to stop it. so, trix wound up with pants covered in caramel-and-coffee flavoured slush and a big splattering of that precious whipped cream. it had also dropped down over the edge of the table, along her calf and right into one of her teva flip flops.

it was, in a word, messy.

thankfully, the night before, trix had purchased two new pairs of pants from eddie bauer (on sale for $10 each!), so she had something in the trunk of the car into which she could change. neither of us had packed a second pair of pants so, without those new ones, we would have otherwise had to head back to the hotel to do some laundry.

after wiping up as much of the slop as we could, trix walked (sort of bow-legged, so as to prevent wet-pant-to-leg contact as much as possible) out to the car, collected her fresh pants and then headed to the washrooms to clean herself off, change and then rinse the affected pants.

when she returned, we were finally able to laugh about it all. in fact, i was crying laughing at the memory of the expression on her face as her beloved beverage came cascading onto her lap. and it wasn't even so much the mess on the pants that was so distressing to YB -- it was actually the loss of the frappé itself… especially its most wonderful components.

easy come, easy go. (thankfully, she enjoyed two more unspilled frappés in the days that followed.)

birthday road trip: food diary

the amaretto tiramisu. SO DELICIOUS.

when YB and i travel to the states, eating at our favourite chains is usually at or near the top of our to-do list (often, this involves a fair amount of junk food), and the road trip we took this past weekend was no exception. here, then, is a sampling of what i had and where:

* two krispy kreme donuts
* one humungous auntie anne's pretzel
* one mint-chocolate-chip milkshake at DQ
* one mint condition cooler at caribou coffee
* the tomato-basil spaghettini at CPK
* the capellini pomodoro at the olive garden
* an art vandalay burrito at moe's
* a hot dog and fries at ted's
* a half-sandwich (bacon turkey bravo™) + salad at panera
* four designer shortbread cookies (pistachio, orange-almond, lemon-rosemary and white-chocolate/raspberry) from whole foods
* two frozen strawberry lemonades and one caramel frappé from mcdonald's
* one insanely delicious mini amaretto tiramisu (the olive garden) that i will dream of until our next journey across the border. *sigh*

things to do in cleveland (and erie) on your birthday

next weekend, YB and i will be embarking on a vickie's-birthday-weekend road trip to the USA. we haven't been on a road trip together since february 2011, when we went to buffalo for a day and niagara-on-the-lake for a wedding. that's more than a year! and we don't really count that as a "road trip" since it was all of two days and didn't take us farther than bew-falo.

trix has been feeling quite sad about mr. poo, so i'm hoping this return to our road-tripping form will help boost her spirits. it's hard to stay down-in-the-dumps when you're wandering the aisles at target, snacking on donuts at krispy kreme, enjoying mccafé frappés and scoring super deals on tons of stuff that's much more expensive in canada.

plus, it's mah birthday and i want to do something fun!

so, we're heading to cleveland -- a city we haven't visited together in at least two years -- for a couple of days and then stopping for a night in erie, PA, on the way back. [note: erie, and the entire state of pennsylvania, is the land of tax-free shopping. we love this.]

i've already registered for birthday freebies at a bunch of U.S. restaurants and retailers. my coupons for free auntie anne's pretzels, a free birthday beverage at caribou coffee and a BOGO at cold stone creamery have already arrived, and i should be getting my free starbucks drink, free panera surprise and free meal at moe's southwest grill in the coming days.

we're looking forward to a stop at the nordstrom café in beachwood, OH, for one of their delicious frozen-coffee drinks, and we'll probably be dining at CPK on friday afternoon. there's ted's hot dogs in amherst on our way back to toronto, and an interesting-looking stir-fry restaurant we may try.

we each have shopping lists and are delighted that the new duty-free cross-border shopping limit for canadians is a whopping $800 for 48 hours or more. that is, we can each buy $800 worth of stuff and not have to pay a penny of canadian taxes on it when we get back. [this new limit took effect on june 1st, 2012, and cross-border traffic has increased accordingly.]

i'll be looking for running shoes, pants, keens and cool sheet sets. i also have a long list of grocery and pharmacy items to pick up -- stuff that was too heavy to buy and cart home from florida. i know clothes and shoes are also on trix's list, as well as vintage fiestaware at this bargain-basement thrift shop in a sketchy part of erie (the places we'll go for a bargain!).

i'm very excited about this trip, and i'm hoping YB's enthusiasm will grow as the weekend gets closer. in the meantime, i've purchased my travel insurance and have begun packing my veryverysmall bag.

saying goodbye

early morning with mr. poo (january 2008).

my family said hello to my. poo when my parents adopted him on june 17, 2003. just shy of exactly nine years later, we all said goodbye.

as anyone who's been reading this blog knows, it had been a tumultuous and tiring few weeks of ups and downs in mr. poo's health of late. he'd spent the night at the pet hospital on friday, june 8th, and came home on saturday... but he didn't do well. he wasn't eating, and was (as i wrote at the time) spending all his time curled up in a sad little ball in the basement. he was also sneezing and snotty and totally congested. we left him at the vet's overnight again on monday the 11th, and the vet called my parents on tuesday morning to say kyle should probably stay another day. kyle's mass had been biopsied on monday afternoon, and we were all awaiting the test results, and the vet figured another night of being assist-fed would help kyle regain some strength.

on tuesday afternoon, the vet called my parents again to say that mr. poo had tested FIV-negative, which was good news. that meant that his immune system was okay, and that he'd hopefully bounce back sooner from whatever was ailing him. YB and i decided to go visit him in the pet hospital that night to see how he'd been doing and to offer him some cheering up.

a few minutes after we arrived there on the evening of the 12th, the vet came hurrying out into the waiting room and said that he'd been trying to reach us. he ushered us into an exam room and then said, "i don't have good news."

he went on to explain that he'd just gotten off the phone with our parents and had shared the news with them, as well: the mass in kyle's abdomen had turned out to be cancer. and, he added, it was the worst kind of cancer to get -- one that's very aggressive and invasive, and one that does not respond to chemotherapy. he explained that surgery wasn't an advisable option, either, since it was very rarely successful in cases like this. (mom had already decided a while ago that she didn't want to subject kyle to surgery, so we wouldn't have opted for it, anyway.) he went on to say that he felt like the tumour had actually grown slightly since he'd first felt it a few days prior, and that kyle had likely been in a fair amount of pain these past few weeks.

we knew what this meant: it was time to let our little guy go.

the vet began saying we could take kyle home for one more night if we wanted to have him with us to say goodbye, but neither YB nor i wanted to put mr. poo through the stress of travel back and forth. as well, we didn't want to prolong his suffering, and we knew that us going home for the night and knowing we'd have to return to euthanize kyle the following day would be unbearable.

"is there any way we could do this tonight?" i asked the vet.

and he said, "of course." it was already closing time at the clinic, but the vet (who was really wonderful through all this) said he and his colleagues would stay as long as we needed them to. trixie called my parents, who were weeping on the phone, and told them to come to the pet hospital. it was time.

the vet brought mr. poo into the exam room, and it was obvious he (kyle) was suffering. he looked terrible, and was like a limp rag. the vet said he'd given mr. poo some fairly potent painkillers earlier, so he was probably knocked out from those. by now, both trix and i were crying, and the vet gave us some time alone with our furry friend.

trix picked him up and held him in her arms, but he moaned a little with each movement. he'd been moaning and crying anytime we moved or carried him for the preceding few days, and now we knew why. he was hurting. she lay him back down, and we kissed him and stroked his downy-soft fur and told him what a good boy he'd been. i remarked at how frail and thin he looked -- such a contrast from the oafy cat who'd earned the nickname "fattie" years ago.

when my parents arrived, both were sobbing. my mother was absolutely devastated and my father, not surprisingly, had self-medicated himself into a haze. trix and i gave them some alone time with kyle and waited in the waiting room until it was time for all of us to say goodbye to kyle for good.

the vet gave us the option of being present for the euthanasia or waiting outside, and we all said we wanted to stay with kyle until he was gone. my mother sobbed that she didn't want him to die alone.

the vet talked us through what would happen and what he was doing, step by step. first, he gave kyle a sedative so that he'd get drowsy and stay calm. and, to some extent, that worked. unfortunately, kyle's actual passing was not very peaceful or calm. administering the sedative was an exercise in screeching cat, and kyle actually bolted off the table during the shot. the vet gathered him up and finished the sedation, but we were all kind of rattled by then.

after about 10 minutes of petting kyle and comforting him and waiting for the sedative to take effect, which it finally seemed to do, the vet produced the syringe with the life-ending barbiturates, and told us that kyle would be gone within seconds of being injected. he said it would be like a sigh, a last exhalation of breath, and then it would be over. he asked us if we were ready.

tearfully, we all said yes.

as soon as the vet touched kyle with that needle, though, kyle suddenly "woke up" and was panicked. he reeeeowred and tried to swing his head back to bite the vet, so the vet tech had to restrain him. this was what was most upsetting for all of us -- kyle was not calm and was not going peacefully. the last living image we all have of him is, sadly, his face straining, his mouth open in a loud moan and his fang caught in the knit blanket on which he was lying. in many ways, that was the most horrible part -- as if he knew what was happening and was fighting to get away.

once the vet actually did inject mr. poo, though, everything did end in seconds. the vet was right -- it was maybe three seconds after the syringe was emptied that mr. poo's little heart stopped beating and he was gone. mom sat down in a chair and just sobbed, and YB and i stroked mr. poo's head. the vet asked us if we wanted to feel the mass, and i said yes. he guided my hand to where the tumour sat, and it was probably the size of a large plumb. definitely bigger than i'd thought, and definitely very big, relatively speaking, for a cat.

the vet gave my mom a big hug and said she was a good cat mom. he reiterated that there was nothing she could have done to prevent cancer, and that we did the most loving thing we could do for kyle by letting him go. "it was one last favour you did for him," he said.

we all stayed with kyle for another 10 minutes or so. my parents left first, and YB and i stayed a bit longer to collect kyle's things (my mother said she couldn't bear to bring home his empty carrier). my parents had decided to have kyle cremated, and filled out the appropriate paperwork before heading home. trix and i weren't sure mom was in any condition to drive, but she insisted.

trix and i stayed with mr. poo for about another five minutes or so. YB said she felt bad just leaving him in the room, so we asked one of the vet techs if she could carry him out and away. she did, we collected kyle's carrier and walked tearfully to the car.

"i can't believe he's gone," trix kept saying.

the next couple of days were extremely sad. sorting through kyle's things and putting all his stuff (kibbles, litter box, etc.) away was heartbreaking. kyle had a big basket of playthings -- ranging from lengths of knotted string to ping-pong balls and cat toys -- which we dumped out on the living room floor. one by one, we went through them all so that we could each pick out a few to keep. the ones he'd never really used were bagged to give to a cat shelter; the ones he'd chewed beyond recognition were tossed. trix took home some of his blankets, and we each claimed one of his many collars. we did all this through a fairly constant veil of tears.

in the days that have followed, i've managed to grieve and return to life fairly normally. but i think that's largely because i have the benefit of distance -- i don't live in my parents' house, which is filled with reminders of kyle at every turn, and i never lived with mr. poo for any extended period of time. my parents saw him every day for nine years, and even YB lived at home with him for several years before she bought her house.

so, as is to be expected, they are all having a hard time with things. YB is especially sad and working through her feelings slowly. mom has her ups and downs -- it's most difficult around the times of the day that involved ritual (breakfast, dinner, bedtime) when she had one-on-one time with mr. poo. and dad... well, he's combining antidepressants with sedatives, so he's in a medicated fog and nicely detached from reality.

they've purchased a rose bush, which they're planting in the backyard today in kyle's memory. they're positioning it in a spot that would have been visible from kyle's favourite place at the back window. his ashes, when they're ready, will be kept inside.

what's been really amazing and wonderful is the outpouring of support and love from some of our friends through all this. YB and i have received many messages of condolence, and several of her friends even sent condolence cards. as well, a few weeks ago, i joined an online messageboard for cat owners whose pets had hyperthyroidism and, when i posted on tuesday night that kyle had passed away, the members of that board flooded me with kind, caring and thoughtful condolences. i was so incredibly moved. i copied the messages and passed them on to YB and mom, who were both floored that virtual strangers could be so compassionate. (i was not surprised, though -- i know from experience that you can meet life-long friends on a messageboard. :-))

my parents' house feels weirdly empty these days. its lovable and ornery smallest resident is gone, but the hole he's left behind is enormous and will take some time to fill back up again.

a very sad 24 hours

last night, just over 24 hours ago, we said goodbye to mr. poo. i'll write more about it later, but i wanted to let you know that the mass in his abdomen turned out to be a cancerous tumour, and the type of cancer was very aggressive and very invasive. it does not respond to chemotherapy, and surgery was not advised (the vet said it's rarely successful and would be pointless).

so, we all gathered at the pet hospital, held mr. poo and hugged him and kissed him and then... he was gone. it was extremely difficult but, at the same time, not difficult. we knew we were doing the loving thing by letting him go and ending his suffering. the vet said he figures kyle was likely in a fair amount of pain, and the mr. poo we saw last night was more like an empty shell of a cat -- his spirit had long since moved on.

mr. poo (1997 - 2012)

the saga continues

mr. poo in his "sick room" in the basement. photo taken yesterday.

unfortunately, kyle is still an ailing feline. in the photo above, he's in my mother's sewing room. it had been quite dark in there until i turned on the light to take this photo. he'd been on that little piece of duvet for a while, and he stayed there, like that, for a while after i turned off the light and left. he hasn't been brushed in almost two weeks, and he's got no energy to groom himself, so his velveteen fur has kind of lost its sheen. he looks like such a sad, curled-up clown.

to backtrack a little...

kyle spent friday night at the pet hospital. they called mom around 7pm that night to say that he was doing "very well," eating and responding well to his pain and anti-nausea meds. the vet tech said she saw no reason why he couldn't go home in the morning. it all sounded so positive!

YB, mom and i went to the vet's office on saturday morning to get the full results of all mr. poo's tests and to take him home. the vet told us that kyle had apparently eaten quite well overnight, so that was a relief. and his weekend blood tests revealed that his hyperthyroid condition was now under control after only one week on his meds. we were very pleasantly surprised!

the vet said he'd examined mr. poo again earlier that morning and that, once again, he could feel a mass in his upper abdomen. the plan was for us to take kyle home, monitor his eating (which the vet hoped would continue to be normal) and then touch base today (monday). if all went well over the weekend, the vet would schedule kyle for his biopsy.

as we were checking kyle out of the pet hospital and settling the bill, we noticed him sneezing. a LOT. like, one sneeze after the next. one of the vet techs said he might have inhaled some dust or something in his nose, so we didn't really worry. she also told us about how well kyle had eaten, and that he was "such a sweet cat!"

she added that he takes pills "really well," which was a shock. trying to get a pill in him at home is next to impossible, so we asked her what technique she used (and she showed us). she said she and kyle had played a bit that morning, then added with a laugh, "he does NOT like to have his stomach touched."

we all laughed, because he really really doesn't. "we probably should have mentioned that yesterday," i said. "he also doesn't like other cats." the vet tech said she figured that one out because kyle would hiss whenever one of the resident cats (there are three) would walk past his cage.

the total bill for his previous day's visit and overnight stay and tests and meds and foods was $850. mom gasped (the estimate had been $710 but they'd re-dosed him with extra fluids and meds that morning).

on the way home, kyle meowed in a pitiful way and then lay down in his carrier. when we got home, i opened the carrier door... and he stayed inside. that's unlike him. he wobbled out after a few seconds and then seemed sort of disoriented -- he would wander around the house, then flop down, then get up and wander, then flop down... over and over again, room to room. we figured the pain meds they'd given him just before we'd picked him up were maybe making him totally loopy. he eventually settled down for a nap and i headed home.

given that he was on an appetite stimulant, we figured he'd be ravenous... but he was not. instead, he had a little food and then went back to the basement to lie in his "sick room." and when he's in there, we know he's not feeling well. he spent most of the evening there, didn't eat much dinner and, overnight saturday to sunday, ate only a 1/4 can of food.

long story short: his condition was not improving. it was clear that he'd come down with a nasty cold -- he was sneezing and we could hear the congestion in his sinuses when he'd breathe. it sounded the same way a very snotty child's nasal breathing would be. cats with colds typically don't eat because they can't smell their food. so, because he was fully congested and hadn't eaten much since coming home, mom took him back to the vet this morning and i met them both there.

kyle is being kept at the pet hospital again tonight. his biopsy was scheduled for this afternoon, and the vet is also testing him for FIV/FeLV (the latter of which is the feline leukemia virus). if he has either of those, and the mass turns out to be cancerous, the vet said the outlook is "not good." FIV+/FeLV+ cats do not respond to anti-cancer meds, so there really wouldn't be any treatment options.

tonight, the vet techs will syringe-feed mr. poo if he doesn't eat on his own. he'll get IV fluids again, and more anti-nausea + pain meds. because feline colds are very contagious, he's actually being housed in the dog room. and trixie's going to stop in to check on him on her way home from work. (the vet said this would be okay.)

i asked the vet if it's possible that mr. poo's current state could be entirely due to his cold, and the vet said yes. it's possible that his poor eating and all the stress of the vet visits and new medications and the like just threw his immune system for a loop, and the cold virus will just run its course within the week and everything will be fine. the first step will be the FIV/FeLV results. if those turn out to be negative, the prognosis gets quite a bit rosier.

i'm really hoping that's the case. 

oh, mr. poo...

it was a sad and scary morning. the short version of the story: mr. poo is sick.

the long version of the story:

the new vet (dr. andre) said he thinks there's more going on than just the hyperthyroidism, and that he felt "a mass" when he examined kyle's abdomen. he said he wanted to be honest with us and told us it could be cancer, it could be pancreatitis or it could be something as simple as a stuck hairball.

his exam was VERY thorough (mr. poo even had a rectal temperature taken), and much more so than the one from the previous vet. dr. andre also showed us how to administer the ear cream and was very detailed in his explanation of things. and he answered all our questions honestly and thoroughly.

he was surprised (not in a good way) that the previous vet would not give us the high-cal food and would not prescribe anti-nausea drugs. "i don't want to say bad things about my colleagues, but..." and then he shook his head. he didn't think her refusal/reluctance was a sound decision, and he agreed that the most important thing is to get mr. poo to eat, NOW, no matter what.

so, he recommended keeping kyle at the clinic overnight. we agreed, because we know he'll be better off under medical supervision, being fed and medicated and monitored and tested. and we can rest assured that someone's looking after him and that his condition is being treated.

while he's there, they're going to run another full blood panel to check his liver, pancreas and kidneys, along with his T4 (thyroid hormone). they're doing X-rays to find out what's in his belly and, if it turns out to be a tumour, will do a needle biopsy, as well. they're going to give kyle pain meds (because the vet believes he is in pain from whatever's in his abdomen) and IV fluids. they'll also syringe feed him high-calorie food and give him anti-nausea medication.

they're going to call mom with some or all of the test results later today, and we'll go back to meet with the vet again tomorrow morning, when he'll go over all the results with us and discuss next steps. 

dr. andre seems very nice and very understanding, and i liked the way he handled mr. poo. he would apologize to kyle after each examination and stroked mr. poo's head as he talked to us -- the previous vet would just manhandle him and didn't really touch him unless she had to.

as for the patient, mr. poo looked SO SAD and pitiful throughout the visit. he just lay on the exam table the same way he lies under my mother's sewing table in the basement -- on his side, head on the table, deflated, collapsed, not moving. (except, of course, during the physical exam, when he was VERY angry... then completely exhausted.)

dr. andre said all anyone has to do is look at kyle to see that something is not right. his vet tech said the same thing when she came in to talk to us.

i'm very glad we went to get a second opinion instead of following the first vet's "wait and see" plan. hopefully, we haven't already waited too long. and i'm worried about what they might find. both mom and i were in tears by the time we left.

if it does turn out to be cancer or something more serious, we may have to decide whether to pursue treatment. if mr. poo's quality of life will be compromised (pancreatitis is apparently painful and i'm sure cancer is no cakewalk, either), i don't know that having him endure more suffering would be the humane thing to do.

hopefully, though, it'll be something simple and easily fixable, like the hairball or some stool, and mr. poo will bounce back once he's got some food in him.

please think good thoughts for mr. poo

we're taking him to a new vet tomorrow morning. he's thrown up twice today and hasn't eaten a thing since last night. he's curled up in my parents' basement at the moment and hasn't come upstairs all day.

we are all completely knotted with worry and are saying (more) prayers tonight for our furry little friend.

highlights: real

unfortunately, mr. poo has still not improved. his appetite is very weak, and he looks like a furry, deflated balloon when he lies on his side.

mom went to the vet today to see about getting an anti-nausea prescription because we suspect he's not eating due to nausea, but the vet refused and said we need to wait to see how kyle does on the meds first (because she believes the nausea will go away once the meds start working).

in the meantime, he hasn't eaten more than a couple of tablespoons of food each day (sometimes not even that) for the past TWO WEEKS. and, just now, i read that nausea could be a side effect *of* the medication and that it should go away... over the next few MONTHS. his tiny stomach cannot wait that long.

mom is stressed out of her mind and has taken to being very curt and falsely chirpy when YB and i call or offer suggestions or stop in to visit mr. poo. she doesn't want to talk about kyle and doesn't want to hear what we have to say anymore.

we will have to talk about him, though, because i discovered tonight that both his vets (there are two who work at the clinic where he goes) had their licenses suspended for a month in 2009 for "professional misconduct"! they failed to properly care for a sick dog and the owners brought them before the provincial veterinary board.

so, i've spent the past four hours researching area vets. mr. poo is going to get a second opinion if trixie and i have to take him to a new vet ourselves (which, in all likelihood and based on mom's resistance, we will on saturday).

i am exhausted. i worry about kyle every waking hour. i just want him to EAT. i don't know how much longer he can survive on this few calories, and i fear that, if he doesn't get a good amount of food into him veryverysoon, i'm going to get a phone call that he collapsed or had a seizure... or worse.

update: mom called this morning to say that kyle did eat overnight. PHEW. not a lot: a tablespoon or so of kitten kibbles (which are high in calories, thank goodness!), some chicken flavour baby food and a little of his adult wet food. so, that's a relief. she reported that he's also a little peppier this morning, which is also good.